<p>I just found out that my best friend who I am very close to has cancer. I feel more upset that we won’t get to do our usual fun things together than I feel sad for her. This happens whenever anyone I care about gets sick. I feel annoyed because I will now have to play the supportive role and I am terrified of showing emotion. I can’t ever cry and have to force myself to hug people and when I do I am only doing it because I know I should. I really don’t feel close and love to anyone.</p>
<p>I’m sorry about your friend. I think that sometimes people will block their real feelings and replace them with more superficial ones as a way to prevent the pain of the reality they face. I don’t know if this is the case with you. </p>
<p>I wonder, from reading some of your other posts, if you have ever been screened for depression or anxiety. A lot of people who suffer from these disorders tend to be very self focused and wrapped up in the way that situations effect them rather than the people around them. I am not saying this in a judgemental way but rather from the viewpoint of someone who has seen a lot of this. If you do have symptoms of depression or anxiety, you should seek out a good therapist who can help you identify the cause of the problem and offer effective treatment. This would not only help you but would help you to be there for your friend.</p>
<p>Try not to be too hard on yourself about your feelings. We tend to go through various phases of emotions around illness. none of it is right or wrong, necessarily. it varies from person to person.</p>
<p>One thing that is right with you is that you are very honest about your own feelings. But you do, from all of your threads that I have read, seem quite unhappy in your friendships/social relationships.</p>
<p>If you take that willingness to be honest with yourself, and your openness to questioning what is going on with you and your relationships, you can build on these. As EPTR suggest, some form of counseling might really work for you right now.</p>
<p>I hope you will do that and come back and tell us how it is going.</p>
<p>Maybe you’re still in the ‘denial’ phase. As if your friend said she’s too busy to play, not that she has a possible terminal illness. If you’re a good friend, you’ll get over this phase and enter the next - gratitude that you’re healthy, and warm support to someone in need.</p>
<p>I have always been unable to show emotion, happy or sad, even as a child. I never cried or laughed very much. I hear so much about aspergers…could this explain any of my behavior?</p>
<p>A lot of people protect themselves from emotional trauma by not getting close to anyone…so there’s nobody close enough to them to hurt them.</p>
<p>I’ve seen this happen to people who moved around a lot as kids, and eventually learned to insulate themselves from tearful goodbyes by not getting to know people very well.</p>
<p>Also people who had a close friend or relative die when they themselves were kids…they learn that they don’t ever want to feel that pain again, so they don’t allow themselves to forge any bonds with anybody.</p>
<p>Could this be aspergers?</p>
<p>I agree with EPTR that it would be good to be screened by a mental health professional. That person could also screen for Asperger’s. Of course, you could get a basic idea about Asperger’s through your own online research or online Asperger’s quizzes.</p>
<p>Please don’t expect strangers on a public forum to give you a diagnosis. That comes from learning about Asperger’s and working with a professional. More important than giving you a label is what you do with that information.</p>