What's your experience with the "dream school" mindset

Applying to College
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I know many kids have a “dream school” in mind, and while I understand that this can be motivating, I wonder if it would be better to discourage this way of thinking to prevent them from being crushed if they don’t get in.

My older two were not fixated on any specific school; the youngest, however, is obsessed with her dream school, and it seems to be the dream school of many - so chances are slim. I would love to know other people’s experiences on the upside and or downside of this way of thinking.

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If you are asking for opinions…I’ll give mine.

Every student has a favorite (or two) in the application pile. And I think that’s OK. But elevating a single, especially highly rejective college to “dream school” status can be a big recipe for a huge disappointment if not accepted. If the “dream school” has very low acceptance rates, this is particularly true.

Your youngest child should right now be looking for two sure things for admission, that she likes, that are affordable for your family. Then build the list UP from there.

I hope she has found those sure things.

Since we don’t know anything about your youngest student…and we don’t know the dream school, it’s hard to help you find similar colleges with similar characteristics…and the characteristics of the college are THE important thing…again, in my opinion.

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This was a big concern of mine when my daughter first talked about schools. I swear she found a list of the hardest schools to get into and decided, she HAD to go to one of those. We were “lucky” that good friends had a rock star student a few years older that was almost shutout of college admissions because of a very lopsided list. We were also lucky that both of our kids were extremely passionate about a particular extra-curricular activity and wanted to continue it into college. It let them temper some of the “name brand” school mentality as some of them were absolutely terrible for their particular passion.

I would delve deep on WHAT the child is looking for that makes this school a dream - make them actually quantify what they’re looking for in a school. Then look for schools that fit that mold. You will probably be surprised that there are quite a few that have a lot of what your kid is looking for that don’t have insane acceptance rates. And do NOT use safety ever in discussing schools. I think it’s impossible at this point for the word to not have negative connotations.

When we discussed schools’ admissions rates, we used phrases like crazy competitive where even kids with perfect stats and ecs get turned down regularly and reasonable admission rates. I wanted them to be excited about every single school on their list and while it wasn’t as easy as hey I’ll apply to these 10 schools everyone’s heard about and these two state schools as a backup where I don’t want to go - I can confidentially say we found schools they would have been happy to attend with essentially no chance they would not be admitted.

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Neither of my kids had a dream school, or at least if they did it was never discussed.

One does, however, have a dream career that she will hopefully be entering in the near future. That has always been the focus.

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Favorite schools change - my kid’s favorite was AU but it didn’t meet the budget and she had no problem leaving it because - she really deep down inside loved Charleston - after our visit.

All schools have flaws - bad profs, food, roomies, etc. I went to my dream - Syracuse for journalism - it was fine but if I had to do it again, I never would - for myriad reasons. A dream, it wasn’t.

I tried to convey to my kids they can achieve their goals from most anywhere.

And as an exercise - we live in an above average neighborhood - homes $700 - $1.5 million.

Share the names of the colleges with them - they’ll be amazed at how many “successful” people come from no-name or “regular” schools - I think we have one Cornell, one Vandy and I know 30 or 40 schools - and the rest range from religious (Lee, Lipscomb) to local - MTSU, UTK, Mississippi State, to just random - Arizona, Longwood, Purdue, Sotuhern Connecticut State, and more.

Too many things can go wrong with the dream - they don’t get in, it costs more than you want to pay or more than you’re willing to pay and then some.

And for every dream, they can probably find 5 schools that share much of the same things they love about the dream - as a fall back.

Best of luck.

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Just don’t have one. I think kid’s are led by peer pressure and other’s. So many student’s and families on cc are disappointed yearly when they don’t get into “X” school. They got into another school on their list but it wasn’t as prestigious… Ugh…

On the flip side many get into their dream school but the families can’t afford it. They weren’t as honest with their children on the finances and it was a “we will figure it out” talk. No. It’s so heartbreaking for these kids assuming they can go to their dream school, got in, “then” told they can’t go.

Have schools (plural) that your child would love to go to. If they don’t they shouldn’t be on your list. The last few year’s with schools getting more competitive many kids aren’t getting into their 3,4,5 safeties.

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Thank you for your advice. My D isn’t sure about major but is interested in psychology, general humanities, biology, so it would have to be a school with many options. She wants to be in or near a city, but close enough to nature and beaches and hates cold weather. Though she does not want to study politics, D holds strong opinions about protecting women’s rights and like many of the girls in her friend group, will not even consider schools in conservative states.

I think with her stats she should have some good “less competitive” options (you made a good point of avoiding using the word safety).
GPA 4.7
SAT- 1540
ECs - school newspaper, varsity soccer 2 years, volunteers tutoring underprivileged kids, and some school clubs.

Her dream school is UCLA which is known to reject kids that are accepted into Ivys and I wish she would get excited about some other schools so she isn’t crushed if (or more probably when) doesn’t get in.

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If you are a CA resident, there are lots of other fine public university choices…in my opinion.

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And the 1540 doesn’t matter. They are test blind.

I hear UCLA and my backup is cake to get into and fantastic Arizona.

But yes, of course, there are many UCs.

But I find those two to share similarities - ever since I was a kid and visited both.

There are Ivy level kids at every flagship in America.

Even a strong student like her will not be the strongest student, even at far less reputed schools.

UCLA is a fantastic large flagship. There’s lots of those. That’s the message. They all produce successes and all produce non successes.

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A “Match me” thread might get some better general recommendations, and I don’t mean to go far off-topic, but the University of San Francisco and Santa Clara University could both be worth taking a look at.

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I’m in the camp of discouraging a dream school. Try to drill down on what she likes about the #1 and then start looking for easier admits with the same qualities. I guarantee they exist!!

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I’m right there with you. Our older child had no real preference, our younger one has been talking about going to his dream school since 4th grade. Some kids are just wired that way, he has always been way less flexible and easy to please than his sibling, so I think that’s part of it.

We’ve had ALL the conversations MANY times over about not having a ‘dream school’ and about selectivity, chances, alternate plans, transfer scenarios, etc. Like most kids, it’s a long shot. Fortunately he’s got totally fine options already and he knows it, but I know that if he’s not admitted it will be a very tough blow.

The best you can do is to help her be successful with a strong application and everything that goes with it.

In addition to the great advice here, I’d recommend she focus on her PIQ’s when the time comes, and find a way to really communicate who she is to UCLA. As a caveat, biology and psychology are extremely popular majors - but good news, UCLA offers over 140(!) - is there a more specific one that interests her? (before you all chime in, yes, I do understand that UCLA only admits by a few majors!)

In our kid’s case, he selected a major that he has been genuinely super passionate about for the last couple of years, but is also fairly obscure. Many of his EC’s relate to it, and he rounded it out in his PIQ’s - I suspect it may help, but? I’ll let you know in a few weeks… :wink:

Anyway, I send my sympathies. Hopefully you can keep having the conversation with your daughter, and when the time comes it will all work out for the best, it usually does!

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Has she visited ? Often kids have never stepped foot on campus of their dream.

The fear I get with the dream is that they find something wrong with every other school on visits.

Is she ok with 300 person classes and asynchronous classes. Looking at the UCLA Psych classes - many are 200-300 kids.

Things she might not realize up front.

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Dream school was not in the vocabulary in my house.

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Maybe helping her reframe what she refers to it as might be helpful. Maybe she can call it her pie in the sky reach school or something like that. But in my opinion, trying to tell someone not to have a dream school is like telling someone not to think about the word hippopotamus. The more you emphasize what not to do the more the person does it.

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We spent a lot of time visiting schools up and down California to broaden her horizon - her main take was:

SF was lively and fun, with a fabulous location and lots to do, though securing housing is very challenging, and she doesn’t like that bone-cold chilly fog that SF is known for.
Santa Clara, I think, is fabulous (though pricey) - but D felt it did not have the energy she was looking for and didn’ like the residential setting.

Here was her take on the UCs:
UCSC - felt more like a summer camp more than a college
UCSB - a party school vibe, and students we talked to complained about housing.
UC Davis - too rural a location
UC Riverside, Irvine & SD- felt like commuter schools
UCLA - for her, it had no downsides - Gorgeous campus, fabulous location, vibrant energy, the students we talked to were enthusiastic, guaranteed housing for 4 years, endless majors to pick from & world-class profs. The one big downside is their quarter system which I think would be stressful.

Since she loves the weather and vibe in LA we looked at other schools in the area (that had at least 5k students )-
LMU has - a gorgeous campus (amazing location) and small classes, but even though we visited when classes were in session, it felt like a ghost town. I loved it myself (though it has a high price tag)

Finally, we visited USC, which I thought would be similar to UCLA - unfortunately, it was not at all. It is in a dangerous neighborhood, and I would worry myself sick for her to be there. She discounted USC because of its reputation for prioritizing legacies, celebrities kids, and wealthy people (that varsity blues scandal uncovered the fact that USC had been heavily involved in for 20 years). D felt it had a superficial influencer vibe. I must admit she may have a point as our tour guides were kind of arrogant, constantly name-dropping celeb kids who go there. In contrast, the UCLA tour guides bragged about their professors, courses, activities, and diverse student body.

So, while I hoped our college tours would interest her in other schools and diminish any lofty illusions she had about UCLA. Instead, they only strengthened her resolve to go there.
I think all of the schools we visited have a lot to offer and each had plusses and minuses, but it’s not my call, and I should be happy at least that the school she has set her heart on is the least expensive option…but I know full well her odds are slim to none…

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No budget issues - assuming out of state ? You’d be well over $300k.

That she wants to go isn’t relevant - you asked how to handle. Suggestions above - in the thread but most importantly, reach schools are easy.

What are you doing to find the alternatives she might love similarly.

As for party school - hmmm - I gues she missed. UCLA is a big time party school.

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How about Occidental?

My kid is a Santa Clara University grad. What did your daughter find…missing?

What about the Claremont Colleges?

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Are you in state?

I ask because tuition, room, and board at UCLA is $68K and LMU is $84K but there’s merit aid (on average $12K). So not far apart.

But if you are in state it’s different.

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not sure I understand your wording ("she might move similarly??)

it was suggested that we visit other schools to broaden her horizons and dissuade her from focusing on her “dream school”, which we did. I was just sharing the outcome of that.
thank you for sharing your insight that UCLA is a party school, I didn’t get that impression when we visited, but we were just there for a visit. When did you and your kids attend there?