<p>Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. </p>
<p>One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” </p>
<p>Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.” </p>
<p>The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?” </p>
<p>Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”</p>
<p>St. Peter looked at Dave and said, “You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge.” Next St. Peter looked at John and said, “You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon.” St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, “You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.” </p>
<p>A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. “What’s wrong, Sam?” they asked. “You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?” Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, “I just saw my wife go by on a skate board.”</p>
<p>^that’s funny!</p>
<p>What is red and green and goes 50 miles per hour?</p>
<p>A frog in a blender!</p>
<p>A smartly-dressed vulture boarded a jetliner dragging 3 rotting hyena carcasses behind him. The alarmed flight attendant stopped him and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but only 2 carrion items are allowed!”</p>
<p>How can you tell the difference between a mathematician and an engineer? Well, suppose you line all the women up on one side of the room and all them men on the other side. Then tell them to take one step that covers half the remaining distance to the center of the room, every second. Now, the mathematician will tell you they never meet… and the engineer will tell you they get close enough for all practical purposes.</p>
<p>A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “we don’t serve your kind!” “Why not,” says the mushroom, “I’m a fungi.”</p>
<p>“Oh my god,” says the hydrogen atom, “I’ve lost an electron.” “Are you sure?” says the oxygen atom. “Yes, I’m positive.”</p>
<p>What’s the difference between an in-law and an outlaw? The outlaw is wanted.</p>
<p>From the “RSI 2015” thread (a student mentioned this as part of his RSI essay):</p>
<p>I’ve realized that LEMMA: my girlfriend is the square root of -100.
PROOF: she is a 10 but also imaginary.</p>
<p>Nurse to psychiatrist: Doctor! There is a man outside who thinks he’s invisible!!</p>
<p>Psychiatrist: Tell him I can’t see him!</p>
<p>Neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink. “how much will that be?” he asks the bartender.</p>
<p>“For you, no charge.”</p>
<p>True story and pretty funny.</p>
<p>Husband has a business with several partners.</p>
<p>Husband comes home from work and daughter (6 at the time) asks “Dad do you have herpes?”
Dad says “What? NO why do you ask?”
Daughter says “Well I saw on TV that you can catch herpes from your partner”</p>
<p>I will always remember this. Daughter is 15 years old now and we tease her about it all the time</p>
<p>One bar patron says to another “Isn’t that Hortense down at the end of the bar?” Second patron says “I don’t know,
she looks pretty relaxed to me.” </p>
<p>OK, @VaBluebird, one from Benny Hill:</p>
<p>What’s the difference between a Hormone and a Vitamin?</p>
<p>You can’t make a Vitamin!</p>
<p>What’s the definition of a proctoscope? It’s a tube with an a’hole at each end.</p>
<p>Joe asks his brother Fred to care for his cat while he’s on vacation, but the first day the cat runs off and gets killed by a passing car. When Joe calls that evening, Fred says “Your cat’s dead.” Joe is devastated, and says “How could you break this kind of news so callously? You should have eased me into the idea. Today you could have said, ‘The cat’s on the roof and she can’t get down.’ Then tomorrow you could have said ‘The cat’s still on the roof and looking poorly.’ Then the next day, “She’s still there, and it doesn’t look promising.” And finally, the last day ‘She got weaker and weaker and passed this morning.’ That way I’d have had a chance to get used to the idea of losing her.” Fred apologizes for how he handled things. The next day Joe calls and ask Fred what’s up. Fred replies “Mom’s on the roof and she can’t get down.”</p>
<p>There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary and those who don’t…</p>
<p>Programmers often confuse Halloween for Christmas because Oct 31 = Dec 25.</p>
<p>It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally</p>
<p>HA! That binary joke I was just coming to post. </p>