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College Essays
1

<p>Hey everyone! So, I am writing a 3000 word essay for a science competition. It’s about The science of Fashion.
I’ve written an introduction and i would love if i could get some feedback. All constructive criticism would be much appreciated! </p>

<p>Here’s my introduction:
Science: the mother nature of Fashion</p>

<p>Fashion is merely a style in clothes, cosmetics and behaviour. Whereas Science stands in more general terms as; the systematic study of the nature and behaviour of the material and physical universe. At first, overt it may be, that there is absolutely no correlation between the two. However, science and all of its complexities are responsible for genetic make-up of Fashion and design. So we owe our clothes to science, our colour to science, our responses to science and ‘Fashion is Science?’… Although it may seem farfetched to claim that vogue is a science magazine, science is actually responsible for the contents of the illustrious publication. Therefore, it is safe to say that Vogue represents a hybrid between the two. </p>

<p>Fashion remains one of the largest industries on the world and spans 100s of centuries into the distant past. The wearing of clothing is an exclusive characteristic adopted by humans. The first ‘clothes’ were originally worn at 70,000 years ago; primitive man and his wife would have worn certain materials to keep stinging flies and other pestering insects. The humans would often shroud animal skins and cloths around themselves, but this proved inconvenient in the extreme climates.
Eventually, adaptations for style and comfortability occurred, resulting in leaves, strips of animal hides and their tails being used. The materials would hang on the wearer, allowing a loose fit and enabling them to move freely. The natural fibres in the plants and hides provided support and durability, making the clothes more ideal. Since then, Fashion has evolved providing humans with more complex items for covering themselves.
The moment that the first item of clothing was placed on a human’s body, Fashion began. After all ‘to have fashion, you must first have clothing’.</p>

2

<p>change the numbers to words (hundreds instead of 100s)</p>

<p>And this is me personally but I think it reads kinda choppily because you use too many commas/semicolons/etc.</p>

3

<p>Some of your word choices do not fit the way you are using them.
(WC) means you might consider a different word choice. (P) means punctuation.</p>

<p>Science: the mother nature (WC) of Fashion <strong>I am not sure what you mean here. Do you mean science is the precursor to fashion? That science begets fashion? That fashion relies on science? The way you use mother nature doesn’t fit.</strong></p>

<p>Fashion is merely <strong>(WC–I would not use the word merely. I also would try to start with a stronger sentence.)</strong> a style in clothes, cosmetics and behaviour. Whereas Science stands in more general terms as; (P) the systematic study of the nature and behaviour of the material and physical universe.(WC–sorry but this sentence just doesn’t work)</p>

<p>At first, overt it may be,(WC “overt it may be” sounds contrived) that there is absolutely(WC–get rid of absolutely) no correlation between the two . However, science and all of its complexities are responsible for genetic (WC) make-up of Fashion and design. So (Delete SO) we owe our clothes to science, our colour to science, our responses to science and ‘Fashion is Science?’…(WC hm…your sentence just trails off here)</p>

<p>Although it may seem farfetched to claim that vogue (you need to capitalize Vogue here) is a science magazine, science is actually (WC get rid of Actually) responsible for the contents of the illustrious publication. (I’d work on stronger sentences. Too much X is Y)</p>

<p>Therefore, it is safe to say that Vogue represents a hybrid between the two. (reword this. Elaborate more on your point and then say it more clearly).</p>