I have talked to my best friend several times after the diagnosis but I have not talked to her husband. We are friendly but we don’t talk on the phone or anything (they live about 8 hours away from me). I’m not sure what to do- send a card? Call the husband? This is the first time I’ve been in a situation like this and I’m not sure what to do.
I would ask the friend if she thinks her husband would appreciate receiving a card from you. If she says yes, send one. And keep being a good friend to your BF.
My husband sadly had a terminal illness (cancer). First thing is that “terminal” can mean many things. He was told several times that he had 6-12 months to live…in fact he lived 13 yrs – a testament to his doctors and his own indomitable will and spirit. So, if you send a card, which would always be appreciated, don’t make it doom and gloom but don’t make it “wishing you a speedy recovery” card either. I agree with rosered – call your friend and see if she thinks he’d appreciate the card.
I would not call the husband. He may not have the energy to talk, but may feel obliged to do so. My husband didn’t have the strength to read cards either. Just continue to be a friend.
I would send something like a gift card from a local restaurant
or honey baked ham and simply say “thinking of you” addressed to both of them.
I think a card is very much appropriate, but agree with @Debrina as far as what not to say. I wouldn’t call him. If it were my DH, he would appreciate the card, but not enjoy talking on the phone, especiallynto,someone he doesn’t really know. If he’s too weak to read the card, she can read it too him. They will both remember you took the time to do that.
I would just continue to be a good friend to your friend. Send a gift card for someplace that they can order in from. I would not call or even ask my friend about sending a card. Even with a close friend the wife might feel awkward saying “ no Dave would think it’s really odd if you sent him a card”. Don’t place people in that situation.
I have a friend whose husband found out a week ago tht he has untreatable liver cancer, and is on home hospice. We have mealtrain going. i recommend that. You can set it up online.
Send a card. I would not ask, as it puts your friend in a difficult place. It does acknowledge that you know, and are thinking of him. Otherwise, he may not know that you are aware. If the card is not read in the rush of diagnosis and initial treatment, it may be found at a later point and appreciated. I have had a few friends die of cancer. Besides exhausting, it can be just plain boring. A bit of personal mail does lighten up the moment.
I went through this 2 years ago. I sent the sick person saying I heard they were ill and that I was thinking of them. I offered to be there if they needed a ride to the doctor or just wanted to grab a coffee or something.
The person was so happy that I reached out and felt that a lot of people were avoiding them during this tough time.
We ended up going out for a drink before a sports game, and we kept conversation light and talked about the kids and other stuff. They were very thankful and it made me feel glad I reached out.
I have stage 4 rectal cancer. It became stage 4 a few years ago so I go from scan to scan. I’m basically in a good place now, but I haven’t always been. Anyway, I’ve loved receiving cards, notes, email etc. I’ve had cards from people I don’t even know (people that work with my husband, people that know my family members) and I’m so grateful and touched by every one of them. I don’t love awkward phone calls so I would always choose to receive a card. Be there for your friend. That will make her husband happy.
Do not call the husband. It’s hard to talk.
Send notes to the husband and wife. Keep in touch with your friend to see if she needs anything. Invite her out for a glass of wine, coffee whatever. Provide pleasant distractions
Thank you to everyone who replied. I appreciate the advice!
Send the H a pleasant card along the lines of "thinking of you,’ and continue to support you friend, When one is diagnosed with cancer, it can be very trying to have to talk on the phone with a lot of people, even good friends. After a few calls, you just want to turn the phone off.
Don’t forget that they are still people with interests and such. It can be grand to get an article or clipping in a blank card, just to say “hey, this reminded me of you. Hope today is a good day”. No sign that they are not forgotten is a bad idea.