The new hubby may not want to may expenses for the stepsons.
Well that doesn’t bode well for this marriage!!
This is tough as I see many things wrong here. As stated. Never “loan” money to family and expect it to be paid back. If it is then great.
Also did your sister in law know about the “loan”? If so then just tell her it’s been awhile and you need it for your taxes.
Just because she’s remodeling doesn’t mean she has the money either. She might of taken out a loan for it.
If your verbal contract was with a minor then forget about it. You flew at your own expense to help. You are being seen as the rich aunt. That’s OK also. Your also being seen as someone that cares which is more important!
Don’t expect your nephew to answer the email. It’s a kid thing and he might not be in a place mentally to deal with it.
I would be more worried as to why he dropped out and what is his next move, personally.
Just remember, your a good person and you did a good thing. That will come back to you in spades. Just not from them.
I remember your posts back then when you were helping the nephew and I remember thinking what a nice thing you were doing.
I’d let it go. It sounds like your nephew and his mom have a lot of issues and difficult circumstances they are dealing with. I’d be inclined to pull back and consider it a gift and not a loan.
I’m stuck on the fact that the kid is terribly depressed, left school because he couldn’t hack it for some reason and probably feels like a great big loser right now. I expect that the last place he wants to be is back living at home.
You might consider trying to help him again – get him out of his funk, help him see that he can still have a future. I think that’s the most likely way for you to eventually get repaid.
I agree with others… let it go as much as you can.
It sounds like he’s still in a tough situation, and he may only get more depressed if he feels bad about the money. I know that doesn’t help with your tax bill. Maybe years from now he will surprise you with repayment. Know you did a good thing, and be happy that you could.
Any way to take the unpaid loan as a loss on your taxes (well, a little late for this year, but… in the future…).
Agree that asking a depressed kid who is back at home (and presumably not working?) is not likely emotionally prepared to deal with this. Any idea if he has exhausted the aunt’s educational fund?
In truth, with everything you’ve said, I wouldn’t expect to see any $. IF perchance you do, consider it a bonus.
I think you deal with it by knowing that you helped him out of kindness and concern for his future. Don’t take his failure personally - we can only control our own behavior and not that of others. Also, try not to become too jaded - next time don’t loan money, but it’s okay to help when you can. I’ve mentored and helped financially lots of at risk young men without anywhere near 100% success - it’s complicated and helping is not a guarantee that it will work out.
I also remember you posts about your nephew, all the help you gave him navigating the college admissions process, and driving him to college. My heart sunk a little reading that he dropped out. You put your heart and soul into trying to give him a new start, so I can imagine how disappointing this must have been for you, but keep in mind that if he’s suffering from depression, he’s not himself right now, so try not to assume he doesn’t value your relationship. I don’t think that’s it. When people suffer from depression, it’s not uncommon to withdraw from everyone and everything. he’s also probably embarrassed. Give it (and him) time.
If you’ve mentally let the money go, then yes, there are ways for you to deal with your feelings.
First of all, for a kid who struggles, knowing that someone is in his corner is huge. Whether or not he could hack it at college right now, he is never going to forget that you inconvenienced yourself to try and give him a leg up. Second, he may lack the vocabulary (or bandwidth, or mental awareness) right now to see that you sacrificed something for his future- but that doesn’t mean he won’t wake up one day when he’s 30 and realize he needs to make amends or at least demonstrate some gratitude. Third- it helps to focus on people who helped YOU along the way-- there may be one or two of them that you didn’t adequately thank at the time- and no matter how many years have passed, they will appreciate a kind note.
And finally- in that cosmic reckoning (god, if you believe in one, karma, if that’s your thing) you know you did the right thing. It wasn’t easy (it never is) and it didn’t have the desired effect (it often doesn’t) but in the face of a challenging situation, you stepped up of your own free will. And boy, that’s huge. An act of kindness that may or may not reverberate down the road.
Two quick anecdotes to share with you- I recently had a cousin apologize over a 30 year old insult. It was thoughtless and sort of uncalled for, but it didn’t really penetrate and I’ve had a more or less cordial relationship before and after. Not close- but cordial. But that apology was massive for me. Mostly because I felt bad that someone had been dragging so much baggage around for decades when it could have been cleared up in thirty seconds at the time. But also because it made me so conscious of the need to respect family members and not to take our kinship for granted.
Second (and this one is mortifying)- I did a favor for someone at work about 10 years ago. It cost me nothing but some time, but the person (who I liked and respected but wasn’t close to) got a huge promotion as a result. And the new boss repeatedly referenced my involvement. So I was expecting lunch? drinks? at least a face-to-face thank you?
Nothing, no recognition, zero. Not a “let me take you to breakfast to thank you”.
I admit that I nursed this grudge a little longer than healthy… that’s on me. But we were no longer working together, I didn’t have to deal with this person in real life, so eventually I let it go.
Not that long ago, something incredible happened to me- really a piece of fortune at work that just fell out of the sky. And (you know where this is heading) when I asked, “why me?” I found out that this person had been lobbying, working the network, putting in a good word for me, etc. over a long period of time. Believe me- took MUCH more time and effort than my favor from ten years ago.
So I called to say thank you- I thought it would be a three minute, polite conversation among colleagues. The response? “I never properly thanked you for what you did for me back then. I was going to send flowers but that seemed too insignificant. Then I was going to take you to lunch but that would have been REALLY insulting to you, after all you did. I should have sent a note, or made a donation to your favorite charity but that seemed lame. And then I just felt guilty every time I thought about you. So when I realized I was now in a position to help YOU- I gave it everything I had to make sure I could somehow repay you for the kindness you showed me back when I really needed a hand professionally.”
We both ended the call in tears.
So- all the bad karma from a decade is totally on me. And the kindness was repaid at least 20-fold based on how it all ended up. It’s like lending someone a dollar for the coke machine and they take you to the nicest restaurant in town to pay you back.
I bet you have one of these phone calls in your future. That young man knows that there is a family member out there who not only talks the talk, but walks the walk. An aunt who did everything she could to get his future squared away, a family member who had his best interests at heart even when the rest of his life was somewhat in shambles.
You are a good aunt.
^^^^^^Wonderful post @blossom !
Contrary to my own irritation with my friend, I would let this one go…Family is family and this is not worth a blow up, especially if your H is not game to take it on. You loaned the $ to a boy with every good intention; now, he is ill (depressed) and out of school. He must be feeing pretty down about himself and I don’t think this is a good time to add more to his burden (even though he did agree to repay you) If you can manage without the $, that would be my advice.
wow, I love Blossom’s story!
I wonder if you could talk to the young man and tell him that you are concerned about him, since he has dropped out and is struggling. Maybe tell him that you don’t want to pressure him if he is having a hard time because perhaps the help you gave him before felt like a kind of pressure, even if kindly meant, if on some level he really wasn’t ready to go there. Tell him that at this point, you aren’t going to put yourself in charge of his next steps in any way, but you are available to talk to if he needs to, about his depression, his next steps, whatever. Continue to be the supportive aunt but without being as actively involved this time, and see what happens. The best thing would be if he could get himself out of this trouble, eventually go back to school, and be in a position to pay you back. But right now, he probably isn’t in the best position to do it.
I would certainly not give him any more money right now, but I would think he needs help more now than ever.
You loaned the money to a kid. A kid that is now a depressed mess. I don’t think you should pursue it. It doesn’t sound like you need the money now as badly as he needed it at the time. I would let it go. Unless you want to call the sister in law and start something with her. It doesn’t sound like it is her loan, though, it was your nephew.
^^Yes. That brings tears to my eyes. What a fantastic post.
It seems to me that you are not bothered by the money, perhaps, because you put all your effort and he left the college.
I don’t think that you should go after the money right now, as he is suffering from depression. However, if he gets his life together and ultimately gets married, you could tell him that you forgive the loan as a wedding gift.
@blossom thank you so much. That was a lovely post. And thank you everyone for helping me out. I’m letting it go.
There are good reasons why minors cannot be held to contract for loans. You lent money to a minor. Clearly, an immature minor with some mental health and/or behavioral issues. Any time you lend money to anyone, it is a risk, and you should know what is in that risk. It’s an investment of sorts in good will, gratitude, and in the future accomplishments of the person to whom you give the money. For you, it was a bad investment. Kid doesn’t seem to be in position to repay you. He and his mother seem to have more pressing issues. You lost out.
Yes, I would drop it. Perhaps someday, the young man will have a turn around in life and be in a position and of mind to start to pay you back. Clearly, he is not there yet.
I am thinking about one of my kids who went of the tracks during university. That smart kid had to come home and rebuild a sense of self, had to re-earn self-respect, and did so, one teeny tiny step at a time. Got a local summer type of job, 90 day probation, was made permanent after 60 days and with a $1 raise, that, sadly, was a huge deal. Being recognized by someone outside the family for a job that was actually way beneath her potential, yet it was a turning point. She owed some money on her CC, I told her if she saved up and paid half by a date 6 weeks in the future, that I would match her. She did it and felt good about it.
We held her responsible for the funds spent on her behalf digging out of the hole, but we did it in baby steps, in manageable ways. The first step had to be finding the good in herself, again, getting on track mentally.
I would not focus on the money now, but would focus on whether you can shine a light on a map to help him see his way out of this mess. Can you, gently, offer help finding a new path? If so, once he is experiencing some successes, then bring up the money as something for which he is responsible. I don’t recall if he was 17 or 18 when you lent him the money, but he agreed. Even if he was a minor and not legally responsible, he is ethically responsible. But can he pay it back in some way that helps him build self-respect for doing it? That would be the helpful way.