A couple of years ago, I loaned my husband’s nephew about $1500 for his SAT fees, college application fees, CSS fees, etc. The agreement was that he would pay me back from a small educational fund set up by his aunt when he cashed it in. Fast forward to now, two years later. He has dropped out of school and is living at home with his mom and stepdad. He is depressed and his mom is stressed out because she has a depressed son, another son with autism, is newly married and going through a remodel. I sent an email out months ago (to both my nephew and sister-in-law) stating that we needed the money (we do, taxes are killing us this year) and what the plan was for paying us back. No response.
I spent over a year helping my nephew apply to colleges. I flew back and forth from the coast to a mid-west state (on my dime) to help him. I started a Go-fund-me to pay for his SAT prep. I drove him from his mid-west state to the east coast LAC to drop him off for school. The point is, I’ve done a lot and while I didn’t do it for the gratitude, I did make it clear that I expected to be paid back for the actual loan (not the flying back and forth and such). And frankly, since he was a minor at the time and since my sister-in-law has the money, I think she should offer to pay it back.
So, now what? My husband isn’t about to get involved-his motto is keep the peace at all cost. If I let it go, I’ll be resentful. Any advice?
I would also find it unacceptable that your nephew has not responded.
I would call him directly and ask what the plan is to get the money back to you. I’m not sure that his mother should be on the hook for his own loan though.
Is your husband willing to let $1500 go just to keep the peace? That is a lot of money, especially if times are tight for you. IMO, he should be trying to keep the peace with you, in your own home and at least offer to talk to his sister.
IMO this is family and you let it go, only lend family money you can call a gift. Why were you so invested in his college process? Is this your husbands sister? I don’t have the divorce remarried thing straight.
There’s keeping the peace, and there’s being used.
This is tough, because from developments so far it sounds like it’s going to be hard to resolve without a confrontation somewhere… either between you and your SIL, your husband and his sister, or yourself and your husband. None of these are particularly appealing, of course.
I do find myself wondering if this “back down to keep the peace” is a pattern between your husband and his sister.
If it was your own money and not a joint account, is your husband willing to pay you the $1500 back to keep the peace? If not …he really should say something rather than leave you at such a disadvantage when all you did was go out of your way to help.
The loan was from the OP, no wonder the DH wants no part of it. Not his circus.
Our rule has always been and always will be that a family “loan” is a gift. We don’t loan to family. Nice if it gets repaid but don’t expect anything.
I know that doesn’t help you now but I’m afraid the end result will be the same.
Unless you’re willing to take it to small claims court, let it go. I don’t lend anyone money that I’m not willing to lose. We may have a agreement that it’s a loan, but I always consider it a gift in my head. If they pay me back, great. If they don’t, OK. If I can’t look at it that way, I don’t lend the money. Not worth it.
@sybylla Yes, it’s my husband’s sister and her son. I was invested in his college process because a) he had no one else, as his mom was a low-income single mom at the time and dealing with his autistic brother b) he had a 4.24 GPA and good extracurriculars but went to a rural high school in a mid-west state where the college counselor was clueless about schools outside of the area and c) I love him. He’s a good kid overall, and he’s had a rough go in life (incarcerated father, low-income single mother, autistic brother).
There was another thread on CC about someone owing the OP money and another poster mentioned that paying someone back means the person paying back values the relationship. Maybe that’s what’s bothering me more than the money.
Email is not good for this kind of messaging. It’s too easy to delete, ignore, or pretend you never got it.
I agree with the other posters that unless the money is the difference between you eating or not- you will find greater peace but letting this go. BUT- if you choose to pursue it, you need to get on the phone with your sister-in-law, explain to her that you realize she’s got a lot on her plate, but you have a tax liability to you need to fulfill and therefore, are giving her 30 days to put together the $1500 before you initiate “legal action”. What that action is or if you plan to follow through or whatever- don’t get specific. But she’s got a month to get you a certified check for the full amount.
Follow up with an email and a hard copy letter.
You know your husband’s family- I do not. But if you are ever going to get repaid, I think this is how to do it. You may ruin the relationship with this side of the family in doing so- but I think this gives you a shot at repayment.
You do understand the narrative they will spin for the rest of the family, no? That you insisted on being involved in your nephew’s college search; his parents knew he wasn’t ready for college but you wouldn’t take no for an answer so you poured money into his application fees and testing; despite it being clear that he needed a college close to him, which is what his guidance counselor recommended, you ended up bullying him into going to college on the East Coast. And guess what- it didn’t pan out, he’s too depressed to be so far away from home. And they wasted all that money on a partial college education. And instead of you being contrite-- you’re demanding repayment of the very modest help you provided (they paid X in tuition for an unfinished degree, you paid 1/20th of that (or however the math works) in direct application costs.)
And they will tell the rest of the family to watch out the next time you want to get on an airplane to “help”.
So just understand- their narrative is NOT- “how can we repay Aunt Emm for all her thoughtful assistance and kindness?”
Your husband’s nephew is your nephew too - that’s how we see it in my family. Sounds like he lost his way - probably never had his way, which is why you stepped in to help in the first place, and that’s admirable. He and his mom know perfectly well that they owe you the money, so there is no point in pressuring them. She’s pretending that it’s her son’s responsibility, but paying you back is the least of his problems right now and she likely knows that. Your husband knows the situation so he did not want to be involved. They all took advantage of your kind heart and it hurts to have that effort end up fruitless, since he dropped out, and even worse that it’s now not even acknowledged.
Maybe one day when he gets his act together he’ll remember your kindness and pay you back. Maybe that will never happen. I’d let it go and consider it a gift.
@blossom I’d never initiate-or threaten to initiate-legal action. We don’t need the money that badly and even if we did I wouldn’t take family to court.
As for the family narrative, his mom actually wanted him to leave the area because she was worried about his friend group (pot smokers and such)
I guess the question is more “how do I deal with the feelings of resentment?” rather than “how do I get the money?”
I think you rexamine your initial motivations for doing all this and the money is part of the whole package, that you were trying to help expecting no gratitude. If you hadn’t driven this train, those expenses wouldn’t have existed, as per Blossoms narration. No good turn unpunished, etc. I assume you are not out to punish the depressed failed out student, but his mother?
He’s young and probably has no idea how he’s going to pay this back and is feeling ashamed. I wouldn’t chase him for it.
I’d set up a plan he can actually pay, like $50-100 per month. Say that you expected to be paid from the account when you agreed to lend him the money up front, but since that didn’t happen, you need to be paid the $100 per month, without interest, for the next 15 months.
Ah, I suppose I’ll just let it go. Lesson learned.
@sybylla I’m not trying to “punish” anyone. I’m not sure where you got that.
I’d be upset, and have been in a situation where an in-law failed to repay a loan but ultimately had to get over it for my own peace of mind. You might want to try sending one more email to them both, reminding them of your pressing need to pay taxes and asking how soon you can expect repayment. After that email goes unanswered, as it likely will, then I think you’ll need to write this off as a loss - or a gift if you prefer.
Eventually you’ll feel less resentful and perhaps forgive the failure to replay the debt, although that doesn’t mean you ever need to make such a “loan” again. When negative feelings crop up, try to remind yourself that you acted out of love and concern. Maybe if you focus on the positive of feeling good about yourself for being kind and caring that will mitigate the feeling of resentment.
Let it go OP. You gave the nephew money thinking it would be a loan and better his life it didn’t turn out that way. Please don’t double down, he can still turn things around. If he is able to hold a part time job I would rather have him pay $10 to $20 to you each and every month. I think that is better than $100 in February and maybe the next $100 in June.
Hugs @Emsmom1, you did a really nice thing and seem unappreciated. But I think you hit on the right answer.
How do you deal with the resentment when you did a nice thing and no one acknowledged it?
I’m not quite sure how to answer that. Except to know that you are a really, really good person who tried to do a good thing. It didn’t turn out the way you wished and that’s hard. To let go of a dream for someone who you wanted to find a better life for.
It’s not really about the money, it’s about being appreciated.
I hope that by typing up this post, that you get peace from the situation. I know that by doing that here, I’ve received what I needed. To be acknowledged as a good caring person
I just always go on the assumption that any money I give is a gift. I can’t think of it as a loan. My niece borrowed 1500 from me for school and she said she’d pay it back some day. I hope one day she can for her sake because it would mean she’s doing well. I forgot about it until this thread.
The part that stuck out to me is that the mom (your sister in law) is now newly remarried and in the middle of a remodel. So her financial circumstances have improved. If she was in agreement at the outset of your offer of financial assistance with her son that they (she and he) would repay you, then given that she apparently has some disposable cash at present, its not unreasonable to ask her to make a payment on the loan (whatever amount you are comfortable asking for— perhaps a few hundred dollars) as you need it for your taxes. I would do this by phone, not email. Good luck!