My daughters are out of college. Currently, neither lives at home (one 2000 miles away, the other 1000 miles away). They might both be in the 1000 miles away location in a few months. It’s likely they’ll be sad but not surprised to learn that their father and I are getting a divorce, if that is the decision that is reached in the next few weeks.
I don’t see why you should delay once the decision is final, since they are adults now. Is your relationship civil enough with your soon-to-be ex to discuss how to tell them, as it is his news as well?
Yes, civil enough. I’m more wondering about the how. Being in different locations, a face-to-face conversation would be hard to arrange, and I think it would be weird and awkward for me to visit them and tell them while visiting.
Skype or FaceTime?
What about FaceTime?
One of my girlfriends just went through this. They have 2 children, one just starting college and one graduated last year. She and her H sat the children down together and told them. The younger one took it quite well, the other not so much. I think the younger one saw more of the discord at home during the last few years and better understood the situation.
I do think it makes sense to approach it together and as a family. If it is an amicable divorce, which I see more and more of lately, then all the better. The children can be told that you will all continue to spend time together as a family. One of my closest girlfriends invited her ex to Thanksgiving dinner for years. It made her children happy and it was fine with both of them.
I am sorry. Wishing you all well as you take on this difficult journey.
I see no reason why you can’t tell them individually. I would just say to each of them that you need to have an important phone conversation with them and ask when it would be convenient to talk for an hour or so, uninterrupted. Then call at that time. You might want to have your soon-to-be-ex on the call or not; I think that depends on the nature of your relationship with each of your children.
A few things you might want to think about in advance (because they may ask):
- How will this impact travel and family visits for Thanksgiving and/or Christmas? This might be especially important if they have already paid for plane tickets.
- If they have left any possessions in your home, they may wonder whether the house is going to be sold and, if so, what will happen to their stuff.
- If either of them is financially dependent on you for anything (for example, if they are graduate students and you are contributing to their support), how will that be affected?
I bring these things up because you might be anticipating that the conversation will focus mostly on the dissolution of the marriage and how it affects you and your soon-to-be-ex. But your children may focus on the practical aspects of how the decision affects them.
My parents divorced when I was 9, and my husband’s parents divorced when he was in college. My first concern was whether I was going to have to change schools. His first concern was what was going to happen to his possessions that were in the house that was soon to be sold. So I wouldn’t be startled if your children’s first questions were about similar practicalities.
They are very likely to ask why as well. You and your ex may have different answers to that! You may want to think about what you want to reveal to them. For example, if your ex cheated, do you want to tell your kids? That is a whole can of worms with pros and cons. My take is that if you aren’t sure, take the high road for now and don’t share details. You can always tell them more later, but you can’t take back once you tell them. But the flip side is that it is their family, too, and maybe you feel they have a right to know. Or you might be angry if your spouse behaved badly, and feel that he doesn’t deserve for you to cover for him. It can get quite fraught with each party trying to get sympathy for “their” viewpoint, though. Again… I wouldn’t tell too much now, tempting as that might be.
If you truly can come up with a joint reason with your spouse that you feel okay telling them, that is good. Not all couples can. And even if they can at the start, it doesn’t always hold up in the long run.
@Marian, a significant aspect of the marriage breakdown is that I think about things like holidays and vacations and the house and support of adult children (and money and the future) and my spouse doesn’t. So these topics have been much on my mind, and I do plan to continue to be a parent who thinks about them and provides emotional, physical, and financial support to my children to the best of my ability. Unfortunately, it’s very unclear what their father will do. His recent (past five years at least) track record concerning attentiveness to such matters is not good.
Your kids will know which parent(s) have their backs based on your behavior and his in the next few years.
I kind of figured that. The type of parent who gives careful consideration to how to tell their adult children about a divorce is probably careful about other family things, too.
My main point was to warn you that their initial (and probably startled) responses might seem selfish, but it’s natural for people to wonder how an event is going to affect them. After a little time has passed, they will probably be very interested in your future plans – and those of your soon-to-be-ex as well. But in the first few minutes, they may be thinking of themselves.
rosered55 - is that the only or real reason? If so, one thing to remember is once the divorce is final, you will never take a vacation as a family ever again or have family holidays. For adult children, they have more memories of those vacations and holidays, and some how it is harder on them than on younger kids.
We were a very close knit family. We had dinners almost daily, took several vacations a year and had holiday rituals. My adult kids cried over what would never be again. That being said, my younger daughter told me yesterday that she is happier than she has been in a long time.
The real reasons are this: my husband has been withdrawing from the relationship for years. He has had long periods of voluntary unemployment. He has told me that it was my fault that he didn’t look for work. (Recently he did say, in a moment of astonishing honesty, that he has never been able to form close relationships.) He now is caregiver for his elderly parents, in a city 2 hours away, and he doesn’t call me, doesn’t email me, comes to town only when our daughters are visiting and even then, I have to push him to come, provides me with no financial support, and rarely contacts our children, as far as I can tell. I’ve asked him to decide if he wants to stay married and, if he does, to propose some changes. He’s not answering the phone this weekend.
My kids were hugely relieved to not have to go on vacation frequently with my ex. He is very hard to vacation with… so not every set of kids will mourn the same things in the demise of your marriage. My guess is that your kids aren’t going to be too surprised – do you think they will be?
I don’t think they will be very surprised. But they’ll likely still be sad, as I am, despite the poor condition of the relationship.
@rosered55. I am very sorry to hear you are going through this. At least the children are older and almost out of college. I wish you strength as you go through this difficult journey. Are the children going to be visiting you anytime soon? It would be nice if you could discuss this with them in person. If this is not possible I would let them know that you have something important you would like to discuss with them and perhaps on a weekend if they could set aside some time to talk to you over the phone. (where they won’t be interrupted and can speak privately with you.)
Now is the time to think about how you want to handle things and maybe have a consultation with an attorney would best advice you in regards to what things need to be sorted especially in regards to finances and assets.
" I’ve asked him to decide if he wants to stay married and, if he does, to propose some changes. He’s not answering the phone this weekend."
- So the divorce is just "on the table" but not definite. You're waiting for him to decide whether he wants to end it or not
“He has had long periods of voluntary unemployment. He has told me that it was my fault that he didn’t look for work. (Recently he did say, in a moment of astonishing honesty, that he has never been able to form close relationships.) He now is caregiver for his elderly parents, in a city 2 hours away,”
- He told you it was your fault that he didn't look for work? How strange. Does he typically blame you for his own flaws?
- Interesting about the "close relationship" confession. Either he has a relationship with his parents, or is that an excuse to not get a job and "be away" from his own family and the obligations associated with it. Is "the caregiver" job really a 40 hour job or is it one that just requires help "here or there" and still allows him a lot of free time?
“provides me with no financial support”
- So does this mean that his parents are paying him a salary? If he's living with them, and likely eating their food, would he have many/any expenses? Is he saving the money in some secret account...maybe one with his parents' name on it so you couldn't find it? If this does move onto divorce, you may need to explore where his money is going.
Getting back to your question… Your DD’s likely expect that a divorce is coming anyway. When you do decide/file, you can tell them by phone.
BTW…If your husband’s parents are paying him in cash, and he hides the income, then YOU could be req’d to pay spousal support and/or pay for all of HIS atty fees. All while he pretends to be poor and w/o much/any income.
I just started therapy with a 10 year old girl. She stated that while she loved her father, she didn’t like him. He was always so critical and angry. I find that many children are far more aware of problems with their parents than they let on. She is well aware of parental fighting.
You deserve a better relationship or just to NOT worry about this marriage rosered55. Sounds like you have been managing day to day on your own for awhile. None the less, I’m sure this is hard but perhaps necessary.
Sending good thoughts your way.