I’ll be one of those self-centered daughters/DILs and say that I never enjoyed the holiday season until I considered my own enjoyment to be as important as everyone else’s. I used to pack three kids up the day after Christmas, and sometimes the day before. For 10 years, I’d drive 6 hours in whatever weather, sleep on couches, wait in line for the bathroom, and be battered by noisy TVs and nosy questions all day long. Was it worth it? Not to me. My treasured memories are mostly of how relieved I was to get home. 3/4 of the time my dh wasn’t with us because he had to work, though the destination was his parents’ house for at least half the week. I belatedly realized that he wanted to work instead of doing what I did. I couldn’t blame him.
I wouldn’t have been thrilled to have sleepover guests in my house at Christmas either, but no one ever suggested it (least of all me). Ours was the family that moved away, so it was on us to go back for the holidays. When I said “enough,” it was better than Xanax. If my kids get to that point, I’ll understand why.
All situations are different, so to me it would really depend. If both families live in close proximity, but my son and SO only chose to see her family, that would hurt. If, however, the SO’s family lived far away and we lived near to the kids, and the only time SO’s family gets together is on Christmas, I would understand. I would also not expect my kids to come home every Christmas if it involved expensive flights etc. However, again, if they live within reasonable distance I would want to be considered in their plans.
In our case, my DH’s family lived on the opposite coast or overseas for much of our marriage. Once the kids came along, it just wasn’t feasible to fly out for Christmas. We only had the money for one trip per year (and sometimes not even that) and it made much more sense to go in the summer when we could have more of a vacation and did not have to deal with weather issues. DH often had work obligations at the end of the year which made it difficult as well. We sometimes had holidays with one of DH’s siblings, but once that sibling got divorced it was more difficult as the cousins were divided between the divorced parents. We spent most holidays with my nearby family, but include in-laws of siblings if they were not included elsewhere. We weren’t choosing one family over the other, it was logistical.
I am not clear on what some here consider pressure on the kids. Is it pressure to ask why OP’s son says he will always go to GF’s family (assuming they are headed to marriage)? Is it pressure to tell him it makes you sad, but you will support whatever they decide? I wouldn’t want to pressure my kids, but also would not want them to think it didn’t matter to me and to let them know they would be missed.
Also, OP it sounds like your middle son and his family spend Christmas with you, what about his wife’s family?
I think there’s deeper emotion in all our responses than shown on the surface. I minded that DH flew to his mother’s (when we were on the opposite side of the country from her, early in my career/he was in grad school,) because there was never that same sort of time for “us.” Through the year, his schedule didn’t allow for that. I wasn’t being selfish, we had plenty of togetherness. But every xmas was broken up by his singing, then his flight.
I understood. It was good of him. Twice, she did come to us, we had a great time. But holidays together were very much about their customs, not mine. (She was a very nice lady.) So it was my family that bent. That’s why my famlt started having a dinner a few days earlier.
It’s easy for some to say, fly here, fly there. We never had the funds then. When we lived in Germany, there was no extra for that. So when people recommend it or say how, of course, it was worth it to them, I hope they remember not all young folks are in the same position. Nor their parents, to foot the bill. It’s not a standard to be aimed for. It’s how one family managed.
I just wanted to post that I share your Christmas sadness for a different reason, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. My Christmas Day traditions changed forever due my mother’s death, aging relatives and changing dynamics with my brothers. I used to have a house full of people on Christmas and now it’s just my husband and kids. Believe me, I cherish every moment with them and will experience new pain when they choose to spend the day with their significant others. This was the third year of the quiet Christmas and my heart still aches. I think I bottomed out last year, it was horrible. The sadness is compounded by feeling like everyone else is so happy - I don’t resent their happiness, I just miss that feeling.
I notice that you posted this on Christmas. I hope that since then you have found some peace. Time helps…a little. I used to love the holidays and now it’s just a struggle. Again, I appreciate everything I have, but I absolutely understand the emotional issues of that day. Take care, and know that you are not alone.
Did your son have any explanation on why he will always spend Christmas at the in laws? Does DIL live far from her family’s?>>>>>
yes, we are in N. Va and they are in D.C. (about 30 minutes) and her mom and brothers live in MN.
They also will be spending every summer vacation up there so there goes our family beach vacation in New England all together. LOL. My dh is really disappointed in that one, more than Christmas.
When do kids’ families get to stay home and make their own traditions? They should be allowed that the same as generations before were.>>>>>>>>>>
My dh pointed out to them that when they have kids they probably will want to stay home and do Santa at their own home. I think that is pretty common to want to be in your own environment that morning. So, as I have said, we’ve always realized things would change. This abrupt announcement was just a shock. My boys are older, they aren’t just fresh out of college and I am thankful that we had many, many years with them here both the Eve and the Day. Oldest would come and spend the night in order to be here Christmas morning so I look back and I am truly thankful. It’s time to let him make his own life with his soon to be wife and they will establish their own traditions. We’re always here for them, they know that.
So do you see this DC son often?
And are you by any chance saying that this gal is too demanding, her way or no way? Is she the bigger issue? Gosh. Any chance your son can negotiate?
Hugs @VaBluebird that’s tough. I certainly see that the DIL sees this as she never gets to see her family and yours is close. It stinks for you though
We always took a trip to norther Michigan in the summer. The kids got time with the cousins and extended family. They don’t come anymore and it’s a bit sad. H and I have fun but it’s not the same.
The thing I’m most jealous of is that my sil and family were all able to go away for the holidays this year. It would not happen for us, kids have jobs and other family they need to see.
@VaBluebird could it be that he feels they can see you and your H easily being only 30 minutes away alol ther times of the year and that he thought since they can it’s “fair” that they give up seeing you at the holidays?
Granted I hurt each time I think about the way he seemed to present it to you.
Also, is it possible in some families - I read how many of you are so “gracious” in saying “that’s ok” to offspring who choose to go elsewhere…that because you have said “that’s ok!” they feel “whew - it’s ok with mom if we are not there so that let’s us off the hook to not have to split up/share the holidays” or whatever? In other words, almost like they are grateful that you make it easier on them to NOT come - you are more accepting of their dilemma and they appreciate that?
Which is what makes me want to say, there is nothing wrong with saying “we understand, BUT we will so miss you and hope that we can make other arrangements near the holiday or that we are able to see you alternate years” or something - so they know that you aren’t relinquishing their visit for the long run??
My children are the most important thing in the world to me. I come from a tradition of over-the-top Christmas celebrations and I’ve continued that for my own kids, and their significant others, into adulthood. This year, for the first time ever, not all the kids were home for Christmas. Only one was here. (and I didn’t invite any extended family for the first time ever) I just planned the holiday around him and loved him up and fixed his favorite meal, which he really enjoyed and told me so about a dozen times.
I thought I’d be sad. But husband and I really enjoyed having a quieter holiday. Maybe I’m a bad mom, but I’m more than okay if they decide to spend a few holidays with their partner’s family. I don’t need to own Christmas or Thanksgiving or Easter. I’m ready for someone else to take over. I’d like to go on vacation with my husband. I feel pretty guilty about that.
@abasket I’m sure you didn’t mean it this way, but in this situation the word “relinquish” may not be the best choice of word. It implies that the parent owns the child or has rights to the child. If the parent does have an attitude of “I have rights here”, then it’s going to seep into conversations and actions, which could cause guilt/resentment in the child, and hurt feelings in the parent.
IMO once the child is grown and has a family of their own (even a family which may not be legally recognized by the state), that relationship takes precedence. Which means for a son, his first responsibility is to his wife, not his mother. Of course, it doesn’t mean that he ignores or intentionally hurts his mother. But when there’s a delicate line to walk, as there often is at the holidays, Mom’s wishes no longer weigh as heavily as Wife’s.
That may sound harsh, but think back on all of the “Meddling Mother-In-Law” threads we’ve seen on CC over the years. I always take the wife’s side in those, for the same reason – wife comes first, before mother. That’s true when we’re the wife, and unfortunately it’s also true when we’re the mother.
Not to say this isn’t hard, @VaBluebird . It is, and I also send you hugs.
“You are projecting and putting words in my mouth I didn’t say. If you read it carefully, I was responding to posts about their kids wanting to spend xmas with their friends, employers (boss from work) and their GF/BF families”
In the case of employers, I doubt that it is very often a case of WANTING to spend time with the boss. Really, not every job allows time off for holidays. Not every job can be done remotely. In many jobs someone HAS to be there to cover, and the more senior people will often get dibs on holiday time off–so young adults just starting their careers may be stuck working around the holidays.
I worked in hotels for a few years in my early 20’s. I never had Christmas day off–usually didn’t even ask for it, because I didn’t have kids at the time and some of my co-workers did. I figured it was a bigger deal to them. That didn’t mean I liked my boss more than my parents or that I WANTED to work on Christmas. But it is absolutely true that my job was more important than pleasing my parents–just as my 20YO son now has a job which requires holiday work and it’s more important that he keep that job than that he make me happy on the holidays.
There have been a lot of great comments upthread that i’m echoing but I want to chime in as the DIL many years down that road.
If you cling too tightly to your expectations of what you are owed by your children at the holidays you risk losing it all.
My MIL had lots of expectations. For years we did the best we could to meet those expectations in what felt to us was a fair manner balancing our extended family situations, our jobs, our funds, our own children’s needs. No matter what it was never quite enough. Sometimes we moved heaven and earth to be present for a holiday only to have the entire weekend be MIL sighing, complaining about the family members who didn’t make it and mentioning all the special things she was going to have done if everyone had come. I could tell story after story like this.
The reality was that in the early years of our marriage we spent way more holiday time with DH’s family than mine simply because MIL was so demanding. My parents on the other hand were happy to welcome us whenever we showed up and we always enjoyed our time there.
And then our kids came, three in rapid succession. And we were exhausted, and over stretched. Guess who we started visiting more often and guess whose access to their grandkids dwindled.
There is way more backstory here but I’m going to leave it here.
OP, I suspect you did exactly the right thing by coming on here to vent, to ask if this was normal/reasonable. It hurts. I totally get that. Find people to share that pain with other than your son and his SO. Enjoy your adult children when you do have them around.
I’ve found moving the Day works just fine. Our kids/stepkids have the Day with their other parent every other year. We’ve just started having our own redux the first night/morning they all are home. That way we all go to bed and wake up to “Christmas morning” together. Also, my Christmas celebration with my extended family is now in the week between Cmas and NYE rather than cramming it in on the 24th/25th. More relaxing for everyone. And the spirit is not affected one iota.
@oldfort you said “You are projecting and putting words in my mouth I didn’t say. If you read it carefully, I was responding to posts about their kids wanting to spend xmas with their friends, employers (boss from work) and their GF/BF families”
And grown adults with lives of their own should have that right. They should be able to choose to spend Christmas with friends, the GF/BF/spouse’s family, to work or to take a vacation and lay on the beach without getting all kinds of flak from their mother. You’ve said more than once that you’ve made it clear to your D’s that you don’t really give them that right, that they’re expected to be with you, whoever they need to pull along with them and however long their SO’s need to travel to be with their families-as long as you get what you want. Most adults prefer to have some autonomy in how they live their lives-including where they go on the holidays.
OP got the newborn grandchild at her house on Christmas Day – for me that would have been more than my fair share of joy for the day. I would maybe even have been pleased to have less of a crowd so I could spend more time with the baby.
I can understand the ruffled feathers though. I think the delivery of the message by her S was not thought out. Perhaps it would have been better left to be discussed when they visited on Jan. 2nd and they could have explained as a couple the reasons for their decision.
We don’t have a lot of information here, but I do think her S’s fiancee’ should have foreseen the possibility that this might be interpreted as a slight. When you are coming into a family as a new spouse I do think there is some obligation to tread softly and avoid these kinds of misunderstandings. Now perhaps she did not know OP’s S was going to handle it the way he did, but I would have taken more care with anything that involved my in-laws.
I would say it’s the son’s responsibility to tell his own parents, not the fiancée’s responsibility to tread carefully.
The son doesn’t seem to have been very tactful. But that’s on him, not his fiancée.
OP, hang in there. I hope you can find a way to enjoy some time around the holidays with all of your kids. And who knows “We are always going to go to Minnesota” might change down the line too, especially if kids come along.