Help me gain some perspective and get myself together, please. Some words of wisdom needed and some empathy from fellow sufferers, LOL.
My oldest son casually announced “you know, Mom, I will always be spending Christmas from now on in MN with A’s family”. Wow. Stabbing me in the chest would have been kinder. My youngest son also is with his girlfriend’s family for the second year in a row. So, in a nutshell we will NEVER have our family together on Christmas again. It is killing me. I cry all the time. I can’t seem to move on, to accept it. Hubby won’t dream of doing anything but being doormats for whenever they want to come here. As it is, it’s going to be Jan. 2nd this year. I’m so deflated, I just want it to be over and done. Middle son, his wife and our grandbaby are with us and I think next year when the baby is older and more fun (he’s only 3.5 months right now) that hopefully it will be better. Also, we have insisted that we all wait till Jan. 2nd to do gifts but I don’t think I’m going to make middle son and family do that next year. I think we should go with full fledged Christmas Eve and Day for whoever is here, which is probably going to be just them. Would that be better? Which way would you do it?
And a question for mothers of daughters and you’re always the default destination…do you ever feel sorry for the son in laws parents who are excluded every year? Do your daughters even realize that there is a woman out there missing her own child and traditions and celebrations like crazy? I say this only because I know one such situation, the woman just takes it for granted and her daughter and children are always with them and my heart goes out to his mom and dad who never have them for Christmas.
I will add that I am surprised because we are a very close family and I never dreamed we wouldn’t get at least an “every other year” consideration.
We are not quite there yet, but I was just thinking about it this morning (as I enjoy being together). I hope to be flexible and find another day. Our own parents live on opposite sides of the country. We couldn’t be with both sets of parents so I get it. We’ve had “Christmas” as early as a couple weeks before and as late as a few days after. So when our kids need the same flexibility I plan to give it. I just hope we can find a day we can all get together.
I would definitely celebrate and give gifts to S2’s family. Having a toddler around will definitely ease the pain.
Also, I think you could ask for sons to come every third year, or so.
I’m more accepting, as son is an only child, and his g/f has siblings. They came once for t-day and a few times for Passover. They live far from each other, and their priority is to be with each other. In the future, I will probably be the one traveling to visit them.
For me, it’s not necessary to be together on The Day Itself. S1 will be spending Christmas with his inlaws – they are Christian, we are not, and it’s more meaningful to them. S2’s GF can’t take time off at the end of the year, so if we want to be together, we have to go visit them. Instead, I’ve decided that we will all be together on Thanksgiving. I’m OK with that. It is what it is.
Remember that one of our objectives for our children was to have them grow up to enjoy adult relationships and find a significant other to spend the rest of their lives with. It sounds like that’s what your kids have done. Congratulations!!
De-emphasize the day itself. It’s just a date on the calendar. Instead create other times when all the family can be together: a summer vacation, an important birthday. It’s not about Christmas really. It’s about family togetherness.
(Is there some reason why your son wants to be with his GFs family every year? Is she an only child?)
A wise friend said once “Christmas is a season, not a day” and I have tried to make that my mantra. However, neither of my kids has children yet and we are still in the alternating years cycle. I know I’ve been lucky in that I’ve always had at least one child home each year, so far. I think it will be harder when they want to spend Christmas in their own homes for my yet unborn grandchildren if I’m not nearby. That’s part of my vision to retire near D & SIL when the time comes.
SIL just called his mom and I know she must be missing him since this is the second year in a row that he & D have been here. They are “off cycle” because he has a cousin getting married on NYE and they will go spend several days with his family later this week for those festivities and they were just there for Thanksgiving as well. I’ll have to give them up next year, but hope S & DIL will be here then. This year, S & DIL come in tomorrow for a few days, so I’ll have a less than 24 hour window with everyone here and I am looking forward to that.
How painful it must have been for your S1 to make that announcement! I can see why you are hurting.
One of the things I appreciated about my inlaws was their flexibility with respect to timing holiday celebrations. Some years we were there on Christmas day, other years at New Year’s, and if it was a problem for MIL, she never let on. I have to admit we didn’t love jumping in the car Christmas morning after opening gifts with our D and then driving 4 hours to make the gathering at the inlaws, but it was important to us that D had Christmas morning at home when she was little. I know it gets exponentially more difficult when there are multiple kids and then they marry (not to mention multiple sets of parents and stepparents), but I hope I manage to remember @VeryHappy’s point about being grateful to have raised an adult who has successfully entered into a long-term relationship and whom other people enjoy being around. I’m sure it will be really hard, though.
This is one reason that I think Hanukkah has it right - many days of merriment.
Try and see if you can enjoy each of the events you do have. How wonderful to have your middle son and family!
I believe this should not be a condition of “sons” - a couple consists of two, that’s what makes it a couple. Both should talk, discuss, be cognizant of their significant others feelings and their families - son or daughter.
@VaBluebird, I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m the mother of three daughters and am not the default holiday destination. Daughters or not, I don’t pull their strings and have no control over where they spend their holidays. NO parent should take for granted that they’ll spend holidays with their adult children. I think it’s a good idea of yours not to insist that you all wait to do gifts until one particular day. I mean this with kindness - when you’re dealing with adult children, it’s best to “insist” on nothing.
I think it’s telling that you say your husband “won’t dream of doing anything but being doormats for whenever they want to come here.” Another POV: your husband is willing to accept that your son and his girlfriend have the right to make their own decisions about where they’ll spend their time, and will be happy for the time he does have with them.
I’m not arguing with your feelings. I hope you can move on and enjoy the time spent with your other two sons this year. You don’t know, at this point, that you’ll never all have three kids together again for the holidays. Your oldest son’s remark was certainly thoughtless, which might mean he hasn’t thought it through.
How long has your son been with this girl? Last year, my D spent Xmas with her bf’s family. Since I’m Jewish, I didn’t really care though H, who’s Catholic, was a little upset. She told us at the time that she would probably spend every Xmas with his family. H was so upset, especially for his mom, who is in her 90’s. One month later - they broke up after more than 2 years together. D is now with a new bf. They spent Thanksgiving Day with a cousin of his because his parents were visiting and his siblings were in from college. We saw them that Saturday and met the bf’s family.
D and bf were supposed to spend today with us. This bf is Jewish. On Wednesday, D called and said that she and bf got a last minute opportunity to travel to bf’s grandparents’ home, where his family is getting together. Only the bf’s brother knows they are coming. H and I gave her our blessing. First of all, the opportunity is an amazing one and second, they live much closer to us than to his family. We will see them in mid-January. D stopped by to see her grandma on Thursday before she left.
Our oldest son has a strange relationship with his gf of almost 10 years. She is half Jewish, half Catholic. Sometimes, they are here and sometimes there. Today, son joined us for breakfast and is now working for a former employer making food deliveries for her restaurant. Our youngest son is with him.
I think that people need to adapt. Maybe you can start a new tradition of spending time with your children and their families at a different time of year? or do the alternating thing? We used to go from place to place but once we had kids, for many years we were ground zero and people came to us. Maybe one of your children can become the new ground zero and everyone can visit with that family?
Once we had our own kids, we stopped going anywhere for Christmas Eve and Christmas. We stayed at home! We invited the grandparents to join us for many years…and they never once came. So after about 15 years of invitations…we just stopped inviting them.
We haven’t had our own kids here for Thanksgiving in years…both have other very significant commitments during that time period.
I think once our kids are grown ups, we need to be flexible in terms of holiday celebrations, and timing.
I have a friend who is not fond of the holidays she says they all fall too closely together (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year) - so this year her family surprised her and on her birthday (August) had Christmas complete with Santa showing up and presents wrapped in Christmas paper. They had “traditional” Christmas food, and someone had an artificial tree, which they snuck in the house and set up. ALL her kids and grandkids were there. She said it was really fun.
My (now adult) D & I don’t celebrate winter holidays now that she’s 3,000 miles away (10 years now). And I’ve gotten used to it - don’t get me wrong, I miss her something fierce, but will hopefully see her in the spring (she’s in Bali today, I’m really not going to see her!).
I really think there’s just too much pressure for things to be “perfect” this time of year, and let’s face it, they aren’t. Today it’s Indian food and movies for my dearest friend and me (we “usually” do Chinese, but are branching out this year). For “fun” we will count the Christmas sweaters we see. Before we know it the day is over.
I have been fortunate. We have always had most of my extended family and both my kids with us for Christmas. When H had relatives, they could tag along if they were in town. If they couldn’t travel, we’d fly up and see them earlier in December.
H now only has a brother and niece and nephew plus some more distance relatives. We keep in contact and make a point to fly and spend time with time at least annually but as much as we can. They are 2500 miles away and rarely travel to see us.
I’m not sure how we will handle things if our kids decide they want to celebrate Christmas away from us–I’d hope they invite us to join them wherever they are, but who knows? S lives 5000 miles away and D 2500 miles. I guess we will all figure it out as we go forward.
This is the first year that we don’t have all three adult children here for Christmas. My oldest daughter is with her husband’s family at a ski resort. His family lives in the same city as we do so it hasn’t been an issue before now. Our daughter didn’t really want to go - no interest in a ski trip in addition to missing festivities here - but her husband’s brother completed chemotherapy around this time last year so they hated to say no. They asked how we’d feel and we gave a sincere “go and have fun.” But it’s a double whammy as my daughter’s birthday is Christmas Day: it’s not only the first Christmas I don’t see her but also the first birthday she hasn’t celebrated with us in 30 years. I miss her and her husband!
My youngest daughter marries this summer and I doubt she’ll be with us next Christmas. Her husband is an only child and seems to want to spend his limited time off with his family. Fortunately, I like his mother so it hurts a little less.
OP: I sympathize and empathize with you. My suggestion: have your full-fledged Christmas for those who are with you (we are) and have a lovely start-to-the-new-year celebration when your son and wife show up on Jan. 2. Make it fun. Instead of one celebration, make it two - Christmas and the New Year (lemons into lemonade).
Adding…I’m one of four and DH is one of six. Everyone is married except one of my siblings. There is no way we could all plan to be in the same place for Christmas with all of those extended families and inlaws involved.
I have a very good friend who is one of 8 with lots of nieces and nephews also. They have been celebrating Christmas the second weekend of January for as long as I can remember. That was their compromise. They invite everyone…and whoever comes…fine.
If my kids can’t spend the holidays with us at some point…and we are invited to…we will join them at their homes. And we also understand that both of our kids might not be there.
I am one of seven and there are 15 grandchildren. Two of my nieces are married and one is engaged. My older sister has been a saint and had the Christmas party for decades. This is one event my kids will do whatever it takes to be sure to attend and have never missed. Everyone was sad that one niece couldn’t be present but S stopped by SF and saw her on his way from D.C. to HNL and gave her a Christmas gift. Niece did call in to say hi to everyone. All the other nieces and nephews came. Santa came as he has for decades too.
My sister’s two married Ds had their in laws present as well.
I guess we will have to figure out what to do when my kids are in serious relationships or not able to travel to us over Christmas. We are just enjoying everyone while we can. My folks are 87 and 92, so not getting younger. My niece has a 4 year old and 8 month old, which adds to the fun. The cousins are very close and make an effort to spend time together whenever they can. Several are currently living 1000s of miles from HI.
