when Christmas is never the same again ever

Parent Cafe
21

The older I get and the closer I get to OPs situation, the more I appreciate the conversations/negotiations my parents had with us when we were young adults. My oldest sibling went to his wife’s family the first Christmas that they were together seriously. At that time my parents sat down and expressed how important this holiday was to them and then we decided as a family we would always celebrate the weekend before Christmas. Then we are free to go with our spouses or stay with our own kids at home for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. We have been doing this for the past 30+ years. Sometimes we are flexible in when the “family meal” takes place - sometimes it is breakfast, other years it is a Sunday dinner - all to work around work schedules and now grandkid schedules – but always the weekend before.

On the flip side, my first Christmas away from home with my H’s family at his grandmother’s house (their tradition) - I was so sad and missing my family and family traditions. This was pre cell phones - I remember trying to hid my tears and cracking voice as I called my parents to wish them a Merry Christmas from the kitchen phone in front of everyone in his family coming and going from the very central room. I felt badly to be caught looking sad - and that it made my MIL feel badly that I was sad. That year my brother and SIL got in engaged and hearing all of the excitement and love made me miss home all the more. Those first few years were hard on everyone. Once we had kids we decided to stay home and anyone was welcome to come to us. Through it all we still all get together at my parents the weekend before - now with kids and in the case of my brother – grandkids!

22

Sorry you feel so sad, VAC. No words of advice except to enjoy the time with son/dil/grandson and family

I have one married kid and she and her husband take turns going to his family one Christmas and ours the next. Last year, both families (ours and his) went to visit them. Youngest kid’s significant other is from our town and his folks are still here. They take turns eating Xmas dinner at our house or his. This works for us.

23

I am reminded of that old saying, “A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life”.

I empathize with your pain, at the same time…you cannot and will not be able to control the choices your adult children will make, especially after they choose a partner. It seems like your husband recognizes the autonomy your son has and the fact your son has chosen to make his partner the number one person in his life, not his mother. This says more about how much he values his partner, not really anything about his love for you.

I, personally, think it is very important in spouse/partner relationships for the spouses to be each other’s #1, and not to have ‘competing’ #1 loyalty to either set of parents. My best advice would be not to try to make this a test of family love or loyalty going forward.

It would be generous if your son and his girlfriend/wife/partner wanted to visit you on Christmas Day. But, if he chooses not to - you need to figure out how to make the holiday nice and pleasant for those who are there on that day. Our children are going to live their own lives and make new traditions with the people they choose to build their lives with, it is not reasonable to expect that those decisions will be made with your wishes and desires in mind. It would be nice if they were, but that should never be your expectation.

Also, while it might be tempting to tell your son about your tears, I would highly recommend not doing this. If you are thinking about ever opening the topic with his girlfriend - STOP! The most I would ever recommend saying to the two of them would be something along the lines of, “Please know that while I understand you’ve chosen to spend Christmas at (insert partner’s name) this year, you both are always welcome and wished for at our home as well!” Please only say this if you can say it with a smile and good cheer and NOT with pleading voice and/or tears.

If this girlfriend ends up becoming your dil, the mother of your grandchildren…she will be the person really in charge of what kind of/how much of a relationship you have with your grandchildren until they are old enough (teens) to navigate their own relationship with you. Your son has already told you he intends to defer to her wishes to spend these holidays with her family. My best advice is to make it easy for them to choose to be with you when they want to be with you. And to realize that guilt won’t make your son’s partner feel badly that she brought her partner to her family’s holiday celebration. It will make her feel like she successfully avoided dealing with overly clingy, demanding potential mil. And it will affect how she sees any future responses you may have to the choice they as a couple make (in terms of wedding plans, children, etc).

It’s not easy being the mother of the son in these circumstances. But it is normal for sons to allow their wives to choose who they spend holidays with and how holidays are celebrated. You can work on being an ally to your son’s girlfriend (which may mean swallowing a lot of what you really feel when asked for thoughts and opinions - which is hard to be sure) and build a relationship where seeing you and your family can become a priority added to their lives OR you can try to act like a parental figure who deserves equal billing to her parents (a lot less successful strategy which can end up being even more frustrating than the first). I realize neither of those options probably sound all that appealing when you are missing your baby. So, hugs to you on Christmas, I wish you love and strength. And open the presents with the son & family who are there. It will be fun!

24

D got engaged this year. And so it begins. Actually, it began last year, we just didn’t know it. Last year S was studying abroad and it was just not reasonable to fly home for Christmas. So, one of us was missing. This year D spent Thanksgiving with our extended family and Christmas with the in laws. Future MIL tried to guilt them into spending Thanksgiving with them also due to logistics. D said nope.

H and I have been discussing this and other ‘we’re no long all together as in the past’ situations. So far, each instance gets treated individually.

We had a dinner for the grandmothers last night and are spending Christmas day with my sister, son in tow. We will celebrate with presents and stuff on December 29th. S and his gf as well as D and fiance will be here. It is just a day on the calendar. It is hard on D as she really wants to be here today but they agreed to split Thanksgiving and Christmas. Who knows how things will work next year.

What H and are are trying to put into play is a family vacation every year - on our dime of course. It is so much less stressful when there’s no competition for the day. Frankly, a cruise in late summer sounds much less stressful than trying to get everyone to everywhere on Christmas eve and Christmas day.

I do think sons have more of a tendency to defer to their SO’s when it comes to holiday planning. Something along the line of ‘tell me where to be, when to be there and what to wear’. As the most likely future MIL to a married son I’m trying to set an example with D, I’m encouraging that she spend a fair amount of time with her in laws and I assured her we will adapt and adjust.

25

" Middle son, his wife and our grandbaby are with us"

PLEASE do not do what my MIL used to do us. Do not spend your time focusing on who isn’t there. Instead spend your time enjoying who is. It’s not fair to the son and DIL who showed up.

26

It isn’t the same because your family’s life isn’t the same. Families evolve.

This year, our son is here for Christmas and our daughter is not. On two other occasions, it’s been the other way around. And our daughter will be getting married in September; she has obligations to her future husband’s family now as well as ours, and she and her fiance mostly travel together now, which changes the family dynamics.

And so it goes.

The same sort of thing happened when we were the young adults, right? Sometimes we had our own plans or conflicts. Sometimes we had two families to satisfy. Sometimes more than two. (My husband and I both had divorced parents. For a while there, we had FOUR families.)

You deal with what is. This year, with only three of us here, there’s much more time than usual for my husband and son to talk and catch up – mostly as our son helps out with some heavy chores that my husband has been postponing because of back problems. Last year, when both our kids and our daughter’s future husband were here, Christmas was more of an opportunity for the three young people to bond. Different combinations of people lead to different holiday experiences.

And the most successful of all of the holiday presents this year was the one our daughter bought for her brother. It was a surprise, and it turned out to be a perfect choice. It doesn’t matter that it was shipped from 2000 miles away.

When all else fails, wing it. And try to embrace the changes.

27

While no one here has mentioned this, I do think it’s more difficult for families to choose an alternate day to celebrate if the entire family is practicing a particular religion, such as Christianity, and have a many-decade long tradition of going to services together. While I no longer practice any religion, I do know my parents would have been devastated had we ever chosen to go to H’s family for Christmas, who practice no religion. As it was, once we moved away, we only went to my parent’s house for Christmas every 3-4 years or so. People could accuse us of playing favorites with the wife’s family (mine), but frankly, we never went to H’s family for the holidays because they were so unpleasant (lots of alcoholism). I remember the first time I went to see them for Thanksgiving, our turkey took forever to cook because in her drunken stupor, MIL forgot to defrost the turkey the night before. It was a joke, so yea, we never went back there for holidays. But it had nothing to do with my being the wife; it had to do with my family having more meaningful traditions, which included mass on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. You can’t do that on some random day. So I get it.

D is getting married this spring, and I am cognizant that today might be the last Christmas in a long time she comes home for as her fiancee’s family lives much nearer them, and he has a career that makes getting several days off in a row around the holidays impossible. I won’t like it, but how can I complain when H and I both moved so far away from our own families that it made travel either expensive, or time consuming - things we didn’t have so much of when we were younger.

28

I meant to mention that neither set of parents ever chose to come our way to celebrate the holidays, nor did any siblings (5 between the two of us), so we did not feel an ounce of guilt the years we chose not to go their ways. Heck, those parents visited us very little, maybe a handful of times over the years of grad school and permanent midwest relocation. We do visit our kids during the year at their places. I haven’t spent a holiday with an of my family-of-origin members since we were already in Houston for my dad’s funeral the week of Thanksgiving (2001), and we did not spend any with H’s family since the time his MIL got so drunk she forgot to thaw out the turkey (1982). The last of our four parents died 12.5 years ago, though.

29

Another way to look at it, OP:

Your family, and its holiday celebrations, will never be the same again because you have a new grandbaby. How wonderful!

30

“And a question for mothers of daughters and you’re always the default destination…do you ever feel sorry for the son in laws parents who are excluded every year? Do your daughters even realize that there is a woman out there missing her own child an”

I have daughters and a son, and I would flip this question if the situation ever arises. To the mother of sons, I would say that my daughter is not responsible for your relationship with your son, for good or ill. If you didn’t teach him to honor and prioritize you as a matter of course, then you need to communicate openly with him now that you have a problem. My relationships with my children is the most important thing to me, and I would never put or allow anyone to put themselves between me and my kids. You may not end up getting what you want, but you shouldn’t set your son up to be the innocent victim of a dastardly woman. He has obviously agreed with this choice.

My D is engaged to a young man who has an extremely complicated and painful relationship with his mother. D has decided, and I agree, to follow his lead in developing their couple relationship with his mom. You might be surprised to learn that your son is actually driving that train.

31

"It’s not easy being the mother of the son in these circumstances. But it is normal for sons to allow their wives to choose who they spend holidays with and how holidays are celebrated. "
No it is not normal.

“ou can work on being an ally to your son’s girlfriend (which may mean swallowing a lot of what you really feel when asked for thoughts and opinions - which is hard to be sure) and build a relationship where seeing you and your family can become a priority added to their lives OR you can try to act like a parental figure who deserves equal billing to her parents (”
Or you can act like a mature adult and communicate honestly and respectfully about your feelings and wishes so no one has to read your mind. There is nothing wrong with saying that you are hurt and saddened by this decision and would appreciate it if they would reconsider including your family at Christmas in some fashion. You should indicate that you aren’t making demands, but would like them to think about creative ways that you could share Christmas in some years. Would you be willing to visit them? Would you be willing to host her family? There are plenty of ways to be included if you are open and willing to compromise. However, the starting point for compromise shouldn’t be “never” coming from your son,

My nephew is a young married with small children. In the last year and a half he has lost his mother, both grandmothers, two other close relatives, and his only sibling moved across the world. Two years ago, he had the kind of holiday season of juggling competing interests. That was his mother’s last Christmas. This year, his entire nuclear family and most of his extended family is gone. There is no such thing as forever, just an annual opportunity to cherish those who remain.

32

You know, after I re-reading my post, I realize I should have written “common” because it more accurately conveys my thoughts.

Thank you for the reminder that choosing words carefully is very important, as none of us know which part of our post might speak most loudly to another.

33

Shame on your sons! I am the mother of 3…one married son. On first meeting my future mil said to me that I should enjoy the holiday…in the future all holidays would be at her place. My son and future dil confronted her…and we share. MIL does the religious holidays and we do the secular holidays. But in essence your problem is about respect. Your sons know you and they know your values and love…why won’t they invite you as well? And how could the mothers not include another mother?!

This year our future (I hope) family called me and asked for Thanksgiving. We were invited with all our kids AND anyone we invited or would to our home. I made my famous stuffing…and picked up “our” pies. There were 30 people in their home and it was great.

Respect/love/inclusion/and empathy…

34

This was the first year my newly married nephew not being home with us for xmas eve. He went to his in-law’s house for a week before xmas and then coming back on xmas day to spend with his father side’s family. We have spent every xmas eve together for 20+ years. My nephew was very upset when he saw all of our FB pictures. He left few voice mails for us, but his parents were too busy to return his phone calls… His cousins were also not too happy with him. Next year he will be with us in the beginning of holiday and then to his in-laws. At least they are alternating. It did feel like a big hole without him.

I have already told my girls in the future when they have SOs I would want them to spend xmas eve with my side of family and then go to their SOs’ family on xmas day. There would be no reason why they couldn’t drive or fly on xmas day to get to their in-laws for dinner and then spend few days after xmas with them.

D1’s future in-laws live 2+ hrs from us. Her SO was with us for 2 days prior to xmas and then drove home to be with his family. I think they could continue to do so after they are married.

It wouldn’t be acceptable for me not to have my kids come home for Christmas, and I wouldn’t expect their future husbands not to go home for Christmas either. Everyone has parents and family. It is not fair for one side of family to monopolize a couple’s time.

35

I know my one daughter who is not with us today is wishing that she was, but we have always been close. Still, gender shouldn’t ever become the determining factor in how families spend time together! In fact, H and I spent more time with his family, and they are all filling my house right now, because that is just how it worked out for us.

For @VaBluebird - if your sons seem rigid about spending time with their SOs’ families for Christmas, I suggest you carve some time out at a different time year for yourself with them. Maybe they see you for Thanksgiving? Maybe you all vacation together in July? Whatever works out for you all. Once children come and you have to abide by a school calendar things can get really tight. Stay flexible and be persistent, but don’t guilt them about it. I felt like we would see H’s family, drive home and spend one night, and then go off and see my Dad and Stepmom and it was very hectic. You may want to go to the son’s house one year.

Take care. Enjoy your beautiful little grandchild. If you are hosting the son who has the baby you are doing pretty well!

36

All these ultimatums about kids coming to you. And asking them to “drive or fly on Xmas day” to get to the in laws… it sounds so selfish to me. Especially once they have kids. Part of letting our kids become adults is allowing them to establish their own holiday traditions with their new spouses and kids. Why should they travel to you all the time? Why can’t you travel to them? Or pick a different time or type of celebration?

37

That son is a son until he takes a wife saying is nonsense.

It is about compromise and how best to accommodate each other.

38

I feel bad for your sadness. I think the knock on mother’s of daughters was unnecessary. It’s Christmas Day, and my D is at her in-laws, as she is every year on Christmas. We spent yesterday with her and her H.

As others say, it is a season, not a day.

I think your decision to let those there open on the day next year is the right thing to do–hey, Christmas is not over yet, why not exchange with middle child and family right now!

39

@oldfort I don’t understand why the cousins were upset with your nephew. That seems so unreasonable to me. But I understand how family dynamics are different. I am recently divorced and most likely will never live near either of my kids. I have made it clear that we can travel (which I’m doing this year with my D) or I will come to them. We have 20+ years of memories of a traditional holiday and they will have the opportunity for that as they get married and have families. I’m all for being inclusive and flexible and knowing that families change shapes. I plan on behaving and reacting in such a way that my kids want to include me.

40

When I spoke to son today, I mentioned the family event in May, to which he and his g/f are invited. I said I’d be gold to pay for a hotel room, and if they could find the time, they could take a mini vacation in key west. This is my way to build traditions, to come to family events.

Old fort, for the first time I disagree with you. I would not ask my son to fly 7 hours to be with me on a holiday, after he already flew to g/f’s parents. He is still grading papers for his job as a TA, and he could use a few days of relaxation. IRL, his g/f’s twin couldn’t make it, cuz she is a resident and has to work Xmas. Just life.