My older daughter lives in AK and the younger went to her boyfriends family who lives near her. I couldn’t go to my parents 6 hours away because I had my church job til noon and need to be at my hospital class tomorrow. So I worked for my home care employer to allow someone who has a family to be with the day off. I turned it into a gift instead of sitting home feeling sorry for myself.
your son has chosen to make his partner the number one person in his life, not his mother. >>>>>>>
Well, ouch. To be clear, I look upon the two of them as being a couple unit now and that “the unit” is choosing not to be here.
I agree that the son is a son stuff is nonsense. I am about to call out for Chinese food with all 4 of my sons while my D is disembarking from an airplane on another continent.
The male relatives were just as present at our extended gathering as the female relatives. It is really up to the individual, unit and family to figure out what works for them and how they will keep bonds that matter.
This is the first year that Mr R and all of his brothers are married- plus there is now the first grandchild (as of only a few weeks ago!)
Yes, we all spend Christmas Day with the wives’ families but then the weekend after Christmas (though because it’s weird this year on a weekend it’ll be the weekend after New Years) is “Family Christmas” with all of Mr R’s family. Everyone’s there- brothers, wives, etc.
Who cares what day it is as long as everyone celebrates together? (We all live relatively close- within reasonable driving distance as long as it’s not a one day back and forth trip. It would be different if we had to travel by plane.)
Right now, there are a lot of the next generation that have to fly to be present. Fortunately, my folks and all my sibs live on the same island. It’s just the younger generation that is more scattered in school and early in careers. Logistics are much tougher when folks have to fly and have very limited vacation with little muted of no flexibility.
We are fortunate that currently the younger generation is mostly able to and does make the effort to fly to be together.
Interesting replies and judgements. To be clear, I am NOT an interfering mom, oh heck no. They are adults who have their own lives to live. It is what it is. I was just shocked at the all of a sudden, my family will never be together on Christmas again, not the Eve not the Day as they travel a great distance…1500 miles maybe…to be with her family. They are engaged, getting married in May. This is our new reality. I would cut my tongue out before I would say anything. I’m sure I’ll be over the shock by next year.
Youngest son isn’t even engaged yet and this is the second Christmas with the girlfriend’s folks. Oh well.
No, I’m not making waves, just trying to figure out the best way to continue forth and I have found my answer and everything will be okay. There’s no other choice.
I’m sure it is a shock and takes some adjustment. I haven’t read judgments in this thread as much as warnings do that everyone can continue to enjoy close family ties.
To be clear, I was not quoting that “son is a son” line as verbatim fact…I clearly didn’t get my point across correctly because several people misinterpreted my meaning. Apologies. My larger meaning was that the OPs original post seemed to be making this point, especially with the question regarding how families with daughters felt about taking all the sons of families for the holidays and not sharing.
And, I’m sorry the OP was hurt by my statement that her son had made his partner #1 in this choice, not his mother. I didn’t see that as a controversial statement (nor idea) since most of us choose to make our life partner our #1 priority above all others. And I made the assumption that this is OPs presumed life partner since there was the indication that Christmases would be spent with girlfriend’s family going forward (hence the reason for OPs sadness).
I really am sympathetic to not getting the holiday experience you had in your mind, though I am also a big believer in reframing situations to try and see the best possible read. I hope you received comfort and joy from your husband and your youngest son, dil, and 1st (newborn!) grandchild.
Since you asked for a reality check/advice, I gave you another way to look at the situation from the perspective of the only person you can change is yourself and the only expectations that you can control are your own. When you use phrases like “A knife through the heart would have been kinder” in relation to having an adult child choose to spend Christmas Day with his life partner and her family instead of you while still planning on seeing you in the same holiday season, I feel like your reaction is the one that might need to change, not your adult son’s decisions. I believe when you are the person who wants something that another person has said won’t happen - you are the person who needs to flex/compromise in how your needs can be met.
But, as I have said in other threads, most of the advice you will receive says more about the poster than it does about your situation. Not taking my advice is more than ok. My regret is having inadvertently cause you any more pain on this day. Again, my hope is you enjoyed more of this day than you regretted. Merry Christmas. And peace to you.
You can’t get in between your children and their spouses. But you can make it clear you’d like to see them at some point, make some balanced arrangement. I wonder what OP did say, if anything. Or if this just stews.
We had friends who traded off, alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas with his and hers. When we lived near mine, DH sang xmas eve and always flew across the country to see his mother on xmas day. (Sometimes, I went, too.) So we celebrated with mine a few days earlier. It wasn’t always about the exact day, whether Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, etc.
I’m clear about preferences, but phrase it flexibly. “I’d like to think we make this work for all of us.” But I’ve always told them that, no matter what, we will always be family, that there needs to be fairness on both sides.
One last thing, it helps if our family times together are pleasant and meaningful to each. We step outside fixed expectations or the idea everything has to be exactly as it always was or please one individual. Make them feel good to be with us.
An alternative view: the DIL may be under lots of pressure from HER family to attend their holiday celebrating and is not yet ready/willing to stand up to them about holiday visits. Clearly this should be an ongoing conversation between DS and his spouse. At some point he may realalize that he needs to insist that his family is part of the holiday celebrations.
We grew up having the holidays at our own house because the military took us far from everyone. My parents (and now my dad) expect all five of us (with our kids) to schlep down to GA. At least for DH and me, we go to NJ for TG and Paasover and GA for winter break – but we are pretty much away from home every Hanukkah, and that bothers me.
“my family will never be together on Christmas again.” Why do you say that? Or is it just the disappointment speaking now?
No, there won’t be the same exact traditions, but life changes and we make lemonade. Both of mine missed T day, this year. One had to leave last night, unexpectedly. We talked about regrouping around Epiphany (my own family is Slavic and that was always when we visited the older relatives. It was treated same as 12/25.)
As I said, I can be open with them. But in the long run, what matters us family closeness, not a particular date.
Hugs. It’s hard.
“This is our new reality. I would cut my tongue out before I would say anything. I’m sure I’ll be over the shock by next year.”
Why? That is so odd. How can you expect them to consider your wishes if they don’t know what they are? I always think misunderstandings with hurt feelings are very sad when easily cleared up. Your son could easily be saying that it’s fine for him to go there for every Christmas because you don’t care. I really don’t get the silent martyrdom when communication and resolution is so much easier.
S is married with a child. They lived next door to her large family for 3 years. There are literally 100 plus relatives in the immediate area. So far all holidays have been with her family. I think it would upset DIL to miss being with her sister and brother when they are home from college. They come here either the week before or the week after Christmas. They were here in November before Thanksgiving. We get together about every other month.
We travel there, also.
We have talked with DIL and S and explained that they are always wanted and welcome here. We also told her them that they need to decide what their own family traditions are going to be in the future. H and I made ours and now they get to make theirs.
We missed them today, H and D and I proceeded with our Eve and Day traditions. They will arrive Tuesday for a brief stay as S has little vacation time.
My bigger need is to have a few family vacations in a fun place.
Also, H and I have decided that the year neither S nor D can be with us we will take a trip.
It is hard–it is “different”. I guess I am more invested in being the kind of MIL/Mom that DIL AND S look forward to being with than which day we see each other.
I do think some of this comes as a big surprise to many of us when it actually begins happening…
and there certainly is sadness as most of us have good memories when our kids were small and with us.
I guess now we are showing them how to treat their adult children someday
:x
@beebee3, really it’s like you haven’t even read what I actually wrote. I’m not going to go back over it all.
@bookworm - I understand what you are saying. I know it is not always easy to come home for holidays. My brother lived in Asia for 15+ years. He brought his family home to see my parents every Christmas. My sister lived 10 hrs driving distance away and my other brother lived across country. When I lived overseas I took 2 weeks off so we could be home. I know there were times when we all felt it would be easier if we stayed at our own home for the holidays. My niece and nephews were never in their own home to open their xmas presents. My sister told her kids that Santa came early for kids who had to travel far to see their families. The flip side is all of our kids are very close. They count on seeing each others every xmas (and annual family vacations in the summer). It is their tradition.
I have 5 Ds and not a single one of them would even think of doing this every year. We are incredibly flexible and are happy to have our Ds spend some of the holiday time with their in-laws. We had our big entire family dinner on Christmas Eve this year, and everyone was together for Christmas breakfast, after which three of them and their significant others went off to their other families.
Christmas & Thanksgiving are both VERY important to DH’s family. I will be forever grateful to my parents (who lived across the country) for understanding that and being flexible on when they celebrated with us. We, in turn, made sure to appreciate them 365 and make up for it as best as travel schedules would allow.
25 years later, my mom (still across the country, my father passed away) is closer to my kids than my in-town MIL. And that isn’t at all a jab at my MIL, it’s a compliment to my mom for making an effort to make the most of our family time together.
Okay, I know that’s getting ahead of your current situation @VaBluebird, and it’s okay to be sad about the changes in your traditions. In fact we’re facing that as our kids start splitting holidays with their significant others’ families. I’m okay to be the flexible one, since I know how much it meant to me when my back was against the wall.
@oldfort I’m just curious. You said that your family was together on Christmas and very close. When did you celebrate Christmas with your H’s family? Did your brother and sister’s SO have family that lived close to yours.
I’m just curious how people do this? My sister lives in Ohio, my mom in Tennessee and I live in Michigan. My in laws live 2 hours from us. My one kid lives in Pittsburgh and the other is in eastern PA. My S is engaged and her parents live in another part of Michigan (Michigan is a big state). She works a job where she’s on call for Christmas every other year and she’s an only child.
I just drove 600 miles to appease everyone. Our nuclear family spent less than 24 hours together. I’m exhausted and just want to run away to warm place next year.
I haven’t had my children with me several times for Christmas and often their birthdays, starting when they were about 14. We moved that year and my children really wanted to spend Christmas with their grandparents and cousins, so I sent them ‘home’ but I stayed to work. I was fine with it as I want them to be happy. Two years ago my daughter went with her uncle to Nepal and they were supposed to return on Christmas Eve but missed a flight and arrived late on the 25th. This year they are in Cambodia and will not return until NYE. It’s the schedule that works best for them because of her school schedule and his business schedule. Her birthday is in Dec so she’s often gone for that too. Her adoption day is in June - almost always away at band camp or girl scout camp or traveling. One year we went on a cruise and that worked for us, but I’m not sure the grandparents were that happy.
Two of my friends from college married brothers from a big family. I think all the kids live in the city still, but there are competing families wanting everyone on Christmas and who wants to spend the day driving around? (also Mass, kids’ obligations to sign in the church choir at a certain Mass, activities just before or after 'the day). MIL declared her day the second Sunday in Jan and took no excuses. Everyone was welcomed on Christmas and all the days surrounding it, but that second Sunday was all hers. The MIL has died but the kids still do it, now with their own kids having in-law conflicts. It was a great compromise and removed the guilt of not wanting to disappoint the MIL but still wanting to have their own Christmases, traditions, time with their kids and family.
The OP is lucky that until now she hasn’t had to share her own children. Many getting married now are not negotiating only with the new in-laws but with their own divorced parents and the new spouse’s two sets of parents and lots of career obligations, weather issues, cost of transportation issues.