I have read this thread with interest and frustration. H and I are in medicine and were used to spending the “Holiday” on another day as our hospital duties allowed. It was always fun and wonderful and we never spent time on the negatives and what we were missing out on. I loved working on Holidays and making someone else’s day easier. We usually saw our immediate families at another time/neutral site during the year - summer vacation, Easter, birthdays - and always had a great time when we were together.
When we had our own children, we began our own traditions in our home where we didn’t fly all over the country/drive many hours and stress out to attempt to keep everyone else happy. That is what worked for us .
It was never meant as an insult to the experiences we grew up with - we were just doing something different.
Any family was welcome at our home at any step along the way. Some years that was no one and some years everyone. Always good and meaningful and we changed as our situations evolved. There were never hard feelings, never any mention of what was being “missed” and certainly no living in the past because " that is the way it’s always been done". Family friends also became part of our new Holiday celebrations.
I would suggest to the OP that she gradually attempt to let go of these negative feelings and allow her adult children to find their own way. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you and they don’t love their memories of Christmas’ past - it just means they’re ready for something new. It might be time for you to find a new normal - Christmas isn’t always going to be the same and that’s not a bad thing.
All of my siblings and their kids spend few days before xmas with my side of family, and then we all go off to see the other side of family. My ex was the only child and his parents were divorced. I used to arrange for his mother to stay with us for few weeks around the holiday time, so she would go to my parents’ house with us. My FIL and his wife would come to our house on or about after xmas to visit. Sometimes we drove few hours to see them when they didn’t want to travel. My siblings’ in-laws happened to live within few hours of my parents house, so they would drive early xmas morning to see them.
I think it is nice to be flexible with your children, but as their parents I think it is ok to let them know it is important for them to be with you on certain holidays.
My evil plan: when we are ready to retire, we will get a house in HI. You fill in the blanks as to why the kids will want to visit us for the holidays…
@oldfort - I’m wondering what if your 2 D’s husbands wanted to spend Christmas Eve at their parents house and then fly/drive on Christmas to see you? Would that be ok with you? The reason I ask is that flying/driving very far on Christmas day can be stressful especially if there are small children .So if I had a choice I would rather have Christmas Eve instead.
Sure it is okay to tell them you want them with you on the holidays, but it is not okay to pressure them. Sometimes they are getting the exact same request to be with other people (in-laws, another parent, employers, friends). When I was about 30, I had a job in another state and I didn’t have any flexibility with vacation. If Christmas was near a weekend, I could fly home but several years I had one day off. I have 5 siblings so it wasn’t like my parents could just fly to me. One of my brothers almost always works Christmas as he’s at a ski hill.
It’s not possible to have it your way every year. OP can vent away because it is disappointing to not have the Christmas she expected to have, but I think of it as an opportunity to try something new.
To the extent you can be flexible, be flexible. I’m very close to my siblings and mom (my dad is dead), and we’ve attained this despite often celebrating holidays on other than “the day.” This year, my family had our Thanksgiving gathering on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, because, on Thursday, my sister and her son and ex-h were going to see ex-h’s mom and my brother and his wife were going to her family’s gathering. We’ll be having our Christmas gathering on Dec. 29, because that’s the only day that worked amid the in-laws’ get-togethers and work schedules (including my mom’s; she’s 88 and still has a part-time job.) My dad’s last Christmas was in 2003; he had a stroke two weeks before the holiday and died in mid-January. The family holiday gathering was subdued but we still had dinner at my parents’ house and then walked to the nursing home facility to see my dad
Our parents are all local (my parents are divorced so 3 households). Even so, when our kids were younger, we decided at one point that we would always stay home on Christmas Day. Grandparents were welcome here–my mom and my MIL both came at times. My dad never did–but he is remarried and his wife has 4 kids who are scattered all over so they have lots of competing obligatoins.
So I’ve just got to disagree with the idea that there’s no reason that adult kids shouldn’t fly or drive on Christmas Day in order to visit both sides of the family. No way would I have ever wanted to be flying on Christmas Day. ESPECIALLLY once I had kids. That just sounds like a nightmare. If you want to do that, more power to you, but I’d never sign up for Christmas Day travel as a regular thing.
My 20 YO is not in school at the moment. He lives an hour away. He didn’t come home for Thanksgiving, because he wanted to enjoy the day with his roommates and friends. I would have preferred to have him here, but I understood and I am glad he has important friendships (and that he likes the people he lives with). We saw him the Sunday after Thanksgiving and had a great time going to a pro football game together–mind you, he doesn’t even LIKE football and I was mildly surprised he accepted the invitation. But he saw it as a chance to spend some family time and experience something new. That made me happier than I was sad about Thanksgiving dinner.
We did the visit both families on Christmas Day while we were in college and dating. They lived an hour and a half apart. My first year of grad school I said no more. It was just too stressful. And again, that was without kids!
All of the boys got into serious relationships around the same time so it worked out well that the in-laws just adopted the “Family Christmas” the weekend after. No conflicts thus far.
My husband’s family always did the family Christmas at some other time–when we got married, hubby worked rotating shifts and sometimes worked Christmas, and one of his brothers was a police officer. So it was pretty rare for all of the siblings to even have Christmas off. They’d pick day that everyone was available usually the week before. For the many things that drove me nuts about my inlaws, Christmas wasn’t one of them
OP, I’m sorry that your son said what he did to you. I would feel hurt, too, if one of my close family members said that. (Especially because he has no way of knowing whether it actually will be true in the future.) Ouch.
It certainly makes sense to want to spend time with your children/family on a holiday - of course! But if it just can’t happen, then your next choice is flexibility. Seek alternatives. Express your feelings.
think of the time from Thanksgiving to New Year’s as “the holidays”. If you get the chance to celebrate and be together on Nov. 24 or Dec. 24 - that’s together time!
can you consider heading your kids way? Travel sometime for a couple of days to their area to see them??
We live overseas in Asia and have for a lot of years without enough time off at Christmas to make the expense, jet lag, and weather hassles of travel worth it. I noticed our college sophomore daughter a bit blue yesterday on Christmas because while glad to be with us, she was missing her boyfriend. While I kept it to myself, there was a sadness in me realizing that our Christmases as this family are numbered.
OP…my feelings would be hurt if one of my sons had said that. No one knows what the future holds, and more than likely you will have him for the holidays again, but that’s such an “in your face” type of statement it’s hurtful. I would say it’s just some youth and immaturity to make blanket comments like that.
These holidays are just changing more and more. Like their growing up, I think it’s normal to grieve holidays past. I have with my own family of origin, and I know situations like yours, with my boys doing other things, is just around the corner. I’m bracing for that and already trying to figure out how I will deal with that sadness. It will be there, so why deny that?
However, I remember all too well the back and forth when I was first married. Thankfully both mothers were very understanding and neither of us felt guilt. What a gift. So, I will be that mother who will tell the DS and DIL that I will miss them terribly, but have fun! And I will also say it’s important to me to have the whole family together at some time during the holiday…can we figure out when it will be? And it can be different each year! We have to embrace “bending”. I’d like it to be an adult decision with them. But it’s not right to exclude one set of parents all the time.
I just totally understand the grief that comes with change…we all do. But you will have to make new traditions…and know those will change too! Have Xmas with your children that are there! Be happy for them, and tuckaway the bad feelings while celebrating with them. Personally, I think Christmas Day is anticlimactic. Now that the boys aren’t children, it’s not the same anymore anyway. They act half bored in the afternoons. I actually have more fun during the season.
I could see …hey I’m making this up going along…having the whole family together sometime in December to go to a great Christmas show, go out to dinner then come back for dessetrt, opening gifts and hanging out, music. That actually sounds more fun than the actual morning.
As a child I always went to my Grandmothers house on X-mas day. 2 hours away. I was the youngest grandchild by a large margin and I was so lonely. I had to leave my Christmas toys and pack up after breakfast every year. I swore I wouldn’t do that to my kids. So we stay home for christmas. My parents and In-laws were invited here -and a few years they took us up on it. Mostly thought we spend it with the immediate family. I understand that when my kids get married they will create their own traditions.
I am sorry that you are hurting and it does seem they are being a bit thoughtless. I am thinking when we are alone on christmas we may travel.
I think you should make the most of Jan 2 and enjoy the day and try not to think about being left out. I hate change -but it is inevitable
My brother and his family spend Christmas with us because his wife can’t put up with the guilt, etc. from her own mother. Sometimes parents need to look at themselves and ask why their kids are choosing not to spend time with them. Or buy a home in Hawaii!
I love the idea of buying a house in Hawaii (maybe we can get a CC apartment building), but even @HImom said some of her family members couldn’t make it home for the holidays.
My first boss solved all this with “Christmas in July” at his home every year. He and his wife decorated full out with tree included.
They’d wrap all the presents and have turkey. All the kids and spouses came with no in-law conflicts and easier to book flights.
At Christmas time they shopped and just relaxed. I always thought that was a great solution.
First let me give you a cyber hug. To hear your child say they will never be spending xmas with you again is heartbreaking.
I have a friend whose 5 children are ten years older than mine. Many years ago he gave me the best advice I have ever gotten regarding parenting. He told me not to take to heart anything they say between 15 and 25 yrs of age and for some more immature kids until they are 30.
He said they are just trying things out, making bold assertions, declaring their independence. They are also so egocentric during these years that they really are not even aware that they have the power to hurt you so badly.
The other thing I know is that in general all of our kids know that we love them unconditionally. Therefore, they may sometimes take advantage by treating us worse than they would ever treat anybody else because they know we will forgive them. There is safety in lashing out at your family when you are frustrated. There is safety in making outlandish declarations because they believe you will always be there.
And lastly, let people know how they make you feel. Just tell them. For your son it is just fine to say 'Wow, that really hurts my feelings to hear you say that. It never occurred to me that you would just declare one day that you will never see me again on Christmas." Let him hear his words.
So take heart. Nothing is forever. Young adults grow up. They get wiser. I know, for me, I didn’t truly appreciate my own mom until I had kids. The I got it. I understood the sacrifice. Sadly, I never got enough time to tell my mom I was sorry for all those times I was a jerk. She passed away. I do believe though, that she knew i was just immature. That she forgave me for being a jerk because she knew the same to be true for her mom and her mom’s mom and on.
So here is another hug and promise that your sons will grow up and be the caring, thoughtful men you know you raised. I hope that these words help lift your burden and that you can find some joy in the rest of this season.
Life was never the same again when the first child was born. After that, there were so many “never the same again” that this seems like just another tagging onto “never the same again” to me.
