Even William and Kate changed up their Christmas plans this year and went to her parents’ home rather than Scotland with the Queen. Now if the Queen doesn’t have the pull to get all the kids home for Christmas, what hope do the rest of us have?
Now that ‘the DAY’ is over and I’ve had a few moments to reflect, I find myself with a surprising realization. With the pressure taken off of ‘the DAY’- H, S, my mom, his mom some other family members - had a wonderfully relaxed and joyful time. In fact, H commented last night that he really enjoyed the lower key approach to ‘the DAY’.
D is spending a few days with the future in laws and we are having our family Christmas celebration on the 29th. As their gift to us, D and finance are taking us, as well as her brother and his GF, to a wonderful local restaurant for dinner. I LOVE this idea since we get to just hang out and enjoy each other on the 29th without needed to cook/clean, cook/clean, cook/clean.
Recently for a birthday, D gifted her dad a weekend trip to visit with her and spend a day at one of his favorite theme parks. H talks about this trip to anyone who will listen. That’s when I realized that what we all really want is the gift of each others’ time, and the particular day just wasn’t that important.
As much as I love the memories of Christmas past, I am actually very hopeful about our Christmas futures.
Last year on NYE we took D and her SO to a theater event. We will be doing the same this year with S and GF included. Both kids have said…well…looks like you guys own NYE.
I suspect sometime in the next 5 years a grand kiddle will come into the mix. I suspect it will be another time of change and adjustment.
And, on my schedule for today is the task of identifying possible times and activities for a whole family vacation sometime in 2017.
It’s surprising - given that I am probably the least flexible person in the mix of characters - how this is coming to pass with ease and grace.
OP, I hope that you will find your path to joy in this season. Letting go is hard. We expect there to be loss when they leave for college, we expect there to be loss when they find SO’s and possibly move away. I think the holiday loss sneaks up on us and then can hit like a ton of bricks. Be kind to yourself, hug them when they are with you and maybe leave some space in your heart for a new normal to take root - and to sneak joy in with it.
^^^lovely!
We are celebrating Christmas Eve tomorrow night…and Christmas morning on the 28th…because that’s when we all can be here.
I think the issue here is how the OPs son handled the situation. Clearly, things come up, times change…and predicting what you will do in the future is not possible.
Even for families who do get together every Christmas now, there could come a time that this just won’t be a possibility.
Yes, one niece couldn’t get away for the holidays this year and in prior years sometimes at least one nephew or someone isn’t able to make it for the holidays. At least everyone WANTS to come but logistics and the high cost of fares can make it tough at times.
I still used the phrase, “my kids,” until someone savvy pointed out they’re not really kids, anymore. I still believe they are mine, though, even if I have to share.
It’s important, imo, to make the distinction between what you can control and what you can’t. Be open to new definitions, new ways of expressing togetherness and keeping the affection going.
If the issue is OP’s son’s delivery, by all means, I am still the Mom. I would speak up about how it was said. Sometimes, we need to take a breath first, think how to put it. Not all about our hurt, but our hopes there is some way to compromise, still celebrate our bonds.
That’s what we really want, the good relations, going forward. Not necessarily the same routines as when they were “kids.”
We’re talking a vacation next December, too. And one this summer. (Same one we nearly always do, a laid back rental in Maine. Last year, all of us went and were happy. They’re willing to talk about it now, forward plan.)
Best wishes, OP.
@VaBluebird, It’s one thing to hear that your kid can’t make it every Christmas, but I also would be incredibly hurt if my child said that to me! D1 brought her SO to our house last Christmas, so this year she traveled to his family’s home in another state. We missed her a lot since it was her first Christmas away from home. But I understand she is trying to be fair to her BF.
I could be on board with every other year, but I would definitely express my hurt feelings (respectfully) if my D made this same declaration.
The saying about sons and daughters has not been remotely true in our family. In fact, it has been closer to the opposite in our family, to some resentment and personal regret that I didn’t stand my ground more firmly.
I just spoke to a friend of mine and the conversation made me think of this thread.
Her in-laws are PO’d at her because she and her husband (and their kid) always spend Christmas at her folks’ place. Her in-laws think she could “compromise.”
What she explained to me was that she and her husband have designed their lives around the best opportunities for him. She had the best job prospects in her home town where she wanted to settle, but she agreed to move to a place she had no interest in for his career, and they’ve made several moves after that that have allowed him to progress but have put a very significant damper on her career.
Their “deal” was that they would make these moves but she would be able to spend Christmas in her home town.
It irks her when her in-laws complain about her “rigid” “unwillingness to compromise.”
My point is that it is hard to know what subtle or express negotiations go on in long-term relationships / marriages.
I think I will always refer to my daughter and my son as my “kids” even if I’m 90 and they’re 60. " The kids are coming by " is a loving expression I heard my mom use many, many times.
It’s nice at my age to still hear my sister and myself called ‘the girls’. Makes me feel younger.
Mom of two sons here. The SO’s we have liked the least have treated our boys like accessories, and us like nuisances. The headed-for-the-altar pair communicate with each other well, and then with the families. We remind ourselves that everything we can do to make the couple’s holidays easier makes us more likely yo see them. My own MIL does not seem to understand that the only reason she sees her son at all is because I insist on it – she is oblivious to her extremely high maintenance. And when mine were older, I had an epiphany and started sending DH to see his mom for a ling weekend, once or twice a year, just him. She doesn’t have to share, or worry about me for 3 days.
OP, hugs to you. I would have a broken heart too. It’s okay to express that to your son, we are allowed to be people, as well as parents. I am myself learning to say things very directly, but without commanding – " my priority is being together for your brother’s birthday at some point, so what would work for you?" when I want to say " for God’s sake I’ll be dead someday and he’s all you have, so couldn’t you get here by 6 just this once."
“My evil plan: when we are ready to retire, we will get a house in HI. You fill in the blanks as to why the kids will want to visit us for the holidays…”
My mother has been implementing this evil plan for about 15 years now. Right now, I’m working from the apartment in San Francisco that she rented for the purpose of gathering us all in one place. After a week here, my husband and I will go stay with his parents at their rented place in Scottsdale. Over the years, my parents have rented Christmastime houses in Hawaii, Tucson, Key West, etc. It’s not hard to persuade us to get out of Chicago to go to such places! There are lots of problems money cannot solve, but it solved this one for my mom…the house-in-Hawaii thing totally works.
I have a son and a daughter - neither in relationships so we’re good there. I get why you’d have a tough time hearing “never” will I come to you for Christmas. I tried alternating holidays when we were first married. Hubby’s parents barely cared about them, my family made a big fuss. Once my oldest was 2 we decided we were staying home, if anyone wanted to come they were welcome. Hubby’s parents never came. My parents would be here before Christmas and we’d have a big Christmas Eve, they’d stay for the present opening, (which would happen at 5/6am) and be home to take a nap and spend the afternoon/evening with the rest of the family that lived in their town. Mom and dad are gone now so it’s just the 4 of us. I’ve invited hubby’s parents, they continually choose not to come.
I realize the time will be sooner than I like that jobs, relationships, etc may mean sharing the holiday. I’d celebrate Christmas with whoever was there that day in whatever fashion I wanted. Then also have a special meal and presents with whoever I saw on different days.
I was thinking - if ever my kids can’t both be home, I’d be off on an island for the holiday.
When my kids were growing up, I used to drag them to Asia to visit my brother. I still remember they would complain about the long trip and how tired they would be. We also took many family oversea trips. They didn’t all turn out to be fabulous. If I have left it up to them I think they probably would have preferred to stay home to hang out with friends, so I did put pressure on them to go. Now they are adults, they remember those trips very fondly. We laugh about some mishaps we had while traveling (I lost a 20 seater mini van in middle of night, we had no way of getting back to our hotel and we didn’t speak Italian).
My kids did not eat at friends’ house or had people over during meal time. They ate at home most nights when they didn’t have ECs. I came home at 8pm and they always waited for me to eat together. Did we put pressure on them to eat as a family? Yes, but it just became way of life for them.
I know it is not the same when they are young adults and some parents are reluctant to “pressure” their kids. I guess I don’t necessary feel the same. I was the one who carried them for 9 months and stayed up with them when they were puking their guts out, so I think I kind of trump over their friends, employers and even their BFs’ families.
I am a bit surprised so many parents on CC say their adult kids do not go home for xmas (for those who celebrate). I don’t know that many of my kids’ friends who do not go home for the holidays. Unless it is hospitality or retail business, many employers let people work remotely.
OP, how are you doing today? Do you feel any relief that “the day” is over?
I think an approach that could be taken now is giving you the confidence to approach your son about his hurtful words. It’s not too late to address his terribly cold approach with you.
@VaBluebird First of all hugs to you. We are currently moving out of state with my parents living here, and my son marrying a girl from here, so I wonder if they will ever come to visit us for the holidays. I think there is a way you can tell your son that was hurtful without being the “overbearing” mother. You should enjoy your son that is there, dont wait to celebrate until after the new year, tomorrow is never promised.
@VaBluebird - I feel for you! I totally understand where you are coming from when you say things will never be the same again. Yes, I do think you intellectually understand that changes were bound to happen, but that doesn’t mean you can’t mourn the past celebrations you had.
I hope that you are wrong and that your DS’s will chose to come home for a future Christmas. We alternated years, as our families only lived 2 hours apart. But the first Christmas I was married, we went to my in laws and I remember feeling sad that it wasn’t a “real” Christmas even though I knew it was best to be together as a married couple.
Once we had children we decided we were staying put for the holiday. Grandparents were welcome to come visit and stay with us and luckily for us they chose to do so.
When I read the thread title, **
** I immediately thought of 2 friends of mine, one woman lost her husband suddenly and unexpectedly (after 39 years) and another friend lost her 30 yr old son to suicide. For them, Christmas will never be the same. As for us, our younger son came home for Christmas after spending Thanksgiving with his serious girlfriend - first holiday he wasn’t with us, so I see it coming, but I would think there could ultimately be some “sharing” in your case as I hope there will be in ours.
" Unless it is hospitality or retail business, many employers let people work remotely."
Is this really true? Maybe it is but hasn’t and isn’t from my experience. I didn’t work in retail or hospitality but never had the option of working remotely, basically due to the function of my employment which meant collaborating with others face to face and involved privacy concerns in terms of data and information. One of my kids recently started a professional job and working remotely isn’t an option.
Many employers need a bare minimum in the office every day to keep things functioning even during the holiday weeks. For me, that meant many years I had only Christmas day and Thanksgiving Day off not days surrounding those holidays. As contributing members of a team, we need to take turns to allow our coworkers the flexibility to have some time off with their families and relatives. They were quiet weeks with skeletal staffing but someone had to be there. If you don’t live within a few hours drive from family, that meant not spending the holidays with family that year.
Reading through the posts, I’m amazed how many of you do spend the holidays together year in and year out. I would think that limited vacation time would also get in the way sometimes. It sounds like many are fortunate to live in fairly close geographic proximity.
I do think the OP’s son’s word choice and delivery method left very much to be desired.
^ That. Death. In the meantime, if you can repair bridges, go for it.