Have been a bit bemused this summer talking to a niece and nephew who’ve gotten their feet wet in college this past year.
Without exception…these kids tell me that they “feel like a fraud”…like the whole environment and pace of college is so much more demanding than expected, that they’ve had to be more adult than expected, make more sacrifices, manage time better.
“I mean I’m doing ok. The classes are hard, but really cool. I’m working so much harder than I ever did in high school. Sometimes I feel like someone made a big mistake…and one day they’re going to tell me I was sent the acceptance letter by mistake. None of this is what I expected. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE college, but sometimes I feel like I really don’t belong here and one day someone’s going to notice.”
I remember having this same talk with my kiddo in her Sophomore year.
I just wanted to know…are other people familiar with this syndrome? Have your own kids ever said they feel like impostors?
I understand imposter syndrome because I have it. A lot of people my age – I’m 62 – feel this way, probably because we’re the children of the legitimately named Greatest Generation (the people who were young adults during World War II). We have never matched our parents’ accomplishments and maturity at the same ages, and we never will.
I’m about to turn off this computer and go to work, but even after all these years, I’m shocked every morning that there’s a company that’s willing to employ me. What could I possibly have to offer them? I think this despite a graduate degree and 40 years of experience!
But it sounds like the OP’s niece and nephew have a different problem – adjusting to the independence and academic demands of college after having attended not-particularly-demanding high schools. That’s a tough challenge, but I don’t think it necessarily indicates a propensity to lifelong imposter syndrome.
Also, for what it’s worth, I don’t think either of my kids felt that way, both because they came from more demanding high schools and because both of them ended up at universities where they were in the top quarter of the population in terms of academic credentials. The adjustment to college work wasn’t a big deal for either of them. But perhaps they missed out on a valuable learning experience because they didn’t need to learn how to step up their game at college?
Neither one of my kids felt this way, but I know of kids who have.
My older daughter is now in grad school and works hard, but came in very prepared from undergrad and transitioned nicely.
My younger daughter came from a very demanding HS as well and now attends what is considered an outstanding public university, but… I also believe that she came in at the top academically… and that helps. As a rising junior she works hard and does very well, but has stated at least twice that HS was harder and more stressful academically.
My kid also graduated from a highly demanding HS. But her college was harder, much harder not even comparable.She had to work hard and she did and got on top of everything by the end of freshman year. It was stressful but she never felt like a fraud. She assumed it was because she was with more equal peers than in HS.
^ A couple of universities have a name for the way that the students on campus conceal these imposter feelings. For instance, the “Stanford duck syndrome” (above the surface all is well, but below the surface paddling furiously) and “Penn face” (smile as if all is well, but inwardly stress out).
My kids went to a school no one here would classify as “demanding.” I don’t think either felt like imposters at the “elite” colleges they attended in any way. They did feel, particularly my D, that they had to do some extra work to catch up on what they didn’t know–I remember her talking about how she and a friend from a rural Midwest school would keep lists of all the references to historical stuff in their poli sci classes (no AP World History in their high schools), and head to the library after class to look up stuff. But she felt that as simply a lack of information, not as a reflection on her abilities.
I don’t think it has ANYTHING to do with a Non-Demanding high school experience, that’s an incorrect assumption…all three of these kids were knock-it outta the park achievers. One valedictorian, one salutatorian, and the other was tied for third in their respective schools. They all did AP everything, decent high schools. They have all gotten into excellent, very challenging colleges and are doing very challenging programs (two pre-med students, and an engineering student). And doing well…so they must have been well prepared.
Personally, I think it’s big fish in little pond… becomes average fish in exceptional pond syndrome. When your whole life you’ve been a top achiever, and suddenly you’re a good solid student…but don’t get the top grade every time…maybe it’s affecting to your identity a little? And it’s a really good lesson in humility, too.
I just thought this was something quirky that sophomores go through. I don’t think any of the kids will feel this way at graduation…lol!
Of course, premed is a competitive weed out process. Most frosh premeds do get weeded out.
Some schools run engineering as a weed out process as well. Something for prospective engineering major to consider when selecting colleges (direct admission versus weed out process versus unrestricted entry to major).
I agree with you on the big fish/little fish theory. My D was also a top achiever in HS - and we all knew she would not do well ( anxiety wise) if she attended a school where everybody was just like her. Instead, she attends a school where there are many just like her… and those who are not, but are still strong students. There is more of a range. She still had no confidence going in initially… but has since changed dramatically, for the better - thank goodness.
Also… These students chose routes that would not be a cake walk regardless of where they went to school. If you take organic chemistry, you are going to be in class with some very strong students, regardless.
Also, GPAs run lower in engineering than most other majors. So if kids from different majors compare their grades, the engineering student is likely to be appalled.
I recall reading in Malcolm Gladwell’s book about a similar situation… google search for that turned up this more relevant editorial on this “Big Fish/Small Pond” issue.
I had posted about this same issue on CC when my oldest was considering his options 3 yrs ago. He went with Big Fish/Smaller Pond and is doing well as a rising Junior now.
Eh. Honestly, I did better in college than high school. Higher GPA, higher honors, etc. I still felt like I shouldn’t be there.
I attended a pretty good high school and was sufficiently challenged. That has nothing to do with my impostor syndrome.
It was the fact that most of the people I knew in college had parents who had gone to college. They were people who had never been on welfare. They didn’t have to pay for their own college. And so on. I felt like I was only pretending to be on the same level as them. It’s basically the same way here in grad school.
It doesn’t logically matter to me how well I do. There is always a large part of me that reminds me that I’m only here by a fluke.
I have it, too. Kind of opposite from @romanigypsyeyes’ situation, though - my dad was (is) amazing - many, many honors, including membership in the National Academy of Engineering and honorary membership in the Russian Academy of Engineering. Well-liked and outgoing, too! Whenever I run into people who know Dad, they say, “Wow, your dad is one of the most amazing people I know…” So I knew I could never live up to his accomplishments, as @Marian wrote. And my parents have helped me out financially over the years. So I’m always aware of the fact that I wouldn’t be where I am without them.
If it is the small fish/big pond issue, why would you feel like a fraud? You would merely feel challenged. Do they have a preconception of who they should be? That would make them feel like a fraud if they feel they don’t live up to the idea of who they should be. If they felt that they should be a superman or wonderwoman and in practice you have to work hard to stay on top, that would make you feel like a fraud since supermen/wonderwomen sail through without a glitch. They could be victims of their own hype.
I have seen this, for some it was kids who were the big fish hitting the big time , friend of mine at work, one of the founders of the company, went to MIT and he said there were a group of kids who are good enough to get in there, who when faced with the reality of the school, end up for example being the ones who major in things like business admin or philosophy, still really bright people but whereas they might have been at the top of the curve at even a competitive high school, at MIT they were average or lower, and they could feel like this.
In music this happens a lot, kids compare themselves and feel like “holy cow” when they get into top level programs and see the level of some of the kids, kids who have artists management, who have done high level soloing, etc. Even though my S kind of already had experienced that, coming out of Juilliard’s pre college program, still it can be daunting when you see those who have seemingly accomplished much. In my S’s case it came out, when he got into all these high level programs with really top level teachers “oh, they did that because they thought it would be fun to work with me because I am very musical” (like, really? These are teachers who have hundreds of kids applying to be in their studio, have the pick of kids at incredibly high levels, and they picked him for ‘fun’? Wanted to slap him around with that one grrr). He even had it with grad school admissions, until he started seeing kids he thought were so much better than him either not getting in or getting good merit packages, and I hope woke up a bit. On the other hand with the way music is, where most kids do go onto grad programs, he is feeling ‘like a fraud’ because he sees kids he knows who went to ‘regular’ college who are coming out, working, and feels like a fraud because they are out of school and he is still in school sigh…it is what happens when you compare yourself to others, in other words, you can always find reasons to put yourself down or feel inadequate:)
My daughter was the opposite. She was petrified going into college, worried she wouldn’t be able to keep up, intimidated by all the kids with 4.0 gpa/33 ACT. Once she got there, eh, she could keep up. She even does pretty well. She’s not perfect but they aren’t either.