I feel like asking why hasn’t someone retired is another question on the continuum that likely included why are you / aren’t you still working after having kids for us mothers (rarely asked of fathers) who are of retirement age. Hopefully this question is asked less often to new mothers these days. But I remember it being a hot topic in the late 1990s / early 2000s when my kids were young. Ironically, of a close group of friends the one who took time off when her kids were young, of which I was so jealous at the time, is the one still working because she later went into teaching and has another couple of years until she can get her pension. Because I didn’t have that break I was able to get to my desired pension income earlier.
Also on the asking someone about retirement topic- I had someone who owns a nice house and a nice vacation house, takes nice trips, buys expensive gifts and paid for a very nice wedding for her daughter ask how I can afford to retire because she wishes she could but doesn’t feel they’re there financially.
I think not? I’m open to suggestions otherwise, though.
For background, I’ve been using this handle for a long time in various forums. It is based on a passage from Thomas Hardy’s Far from the Madding Crowd, which to me is an inherently funny source for an Internet name. An even dumber joke is it can be shortened to NUM, and I have sometimes been known to write purportedly excessively-long numerical posts (surely not here, though . . . ).
NiceUnparticularMom happened here because originally there was me, there was our S24, and there was our D30, and then I guess I just sort of wanted to refer to her as their mom (as opposed to my wife, or some generic unrelated woman).
I guess that means I should have changed my name to NiceUnparticularDad to complete the set, but it kinda just didn’t occur to me. Also doesn’t seem as funny to me (even though I am the only one laughing anyway).
My BIL is in his late 70s but still practicing dentistry because he loves it & his patients. He also is happy to keep his employee employed. He doesn’t HAVE to work financially but enjoys it and already plays pickleball and bikes and takes walks with his dog.
My hygienist is still going strong at 70, because she loves her job. She is finally going to retire this summer because her D talked her into helping more with the grandkids. She’s happy to do that, but she’s really struggling with the idea of no longer seeing her longtime patients.
I retired before my husband, but I specifically DID NOT “pick up” a lot of what I would say are “his” chores, because I knew that if I did that then he would likely expect me to continue doing them when he retired. I felt like I was still paying my half of everything, so didn’t feel obligated. Honestly, I did do more during the period only I was retired, but only when I chose to and what I chose to.
DW & I are still a bit away from retirement. We do talk about what retirement will look like. What we might want to do if anything. I am golfer so doing something in that area makes sense to get free or discounted golf during retirement. But over the weekend I had an idea, we open up a private investigator firm and become PI’s. We like hanging out together and it sounds fun and a total change from the corporate world. I know there would be a million drawbacks, but kicking around goofy ideas together is also fun. DW had come up with manning an Antique Store that gets little to no foot-traffic.
I’m in the minority here but I stopped working when my oldest was 10 months old and we moved. I wanted to be a different parent than my mom had been. My mom went back to work when I was five years old and I have clear memories of walking home in the rain after school as I didn’t have anyone to come pick me up. My mom was not able to be involved in my school or home to drive us to extracurricular activities. We were latch key kids during a time when most of our friends had stay at home moms.
I worked enough off and on to get enough hours to collect social security but my amount is low. Ironically the past two years I’ve gone back to working on some projects for my husband’s family business. It’s about 10-15 hours a week depending on what project. I enjoy researching and problem solving.
My husband would love to retire but it’s not happening anytime soon.
For sure we all know someone that spend almost or all of there income.
I have always thought those folks are the ones that have issues when income goes down they struggle with changing their lifestyle/spending.
We have always probably over analyzed adding new recurring spending or having a large single expense. I told myself that when we bought our home moving from a townhome that would be the most debt I would ever have and we would just chip away at it over time and new purchases would be funded from current cash rather than adding new debt. It is less fun but the stability feels great.
My wife did something similar. She was a SAHM for 8-9 years. She was the room mom and was there for the kids. She eventually went back to work, but part-time at first and not full-time until the kids were in HS when they didn’t need us as much and even then she worked at our HS. She still beat the kids home most of the time due to sports or after school activities.
I was a SAHM mom too after working full time for 8 years prior to starting a family. When I was ready to go back to work, my mom got sick and I started caregiving for her. I worked part time here and there, but mostly volunteered for the flexibility. I did go back to work for a few years when my D went to college to get over the SS threshold even though it is a small amount.
My H is likely 8-10 years from retirement. He is actually starting a new job on Monday and is crazy excited to have a new challenge.
I stayed at home full-time for about 8+ years after my maternity leave ended and then H’s 6 weeks of working 4 hours/night ended. I was team mom, room mom, co-chair if PTA, whatever was needed, plus chaperone as desired. I only went to work part time after that and often worked for the state who pays NO benefits for part-timers (including no contribution toward SS). My SS is enough to pay Medicare and buy some groceries but not much more. H’s spousal benefit doesn’t fully cover his Medicare, but it helps. I have no regrets and am continuing to volunteer/work part time because I enjoy it and the people I meet in my volunteering.
Fortunately H has a nice pension with cola & gets 70% subsidized medical for the rest of our lives. The pension drops to 55% if I survive him.
I was another one that only worked part time for 16 years after D1 was born. I picked kids up and took them to activities, I was a room mom, etc. I was so fortunate to have a great boss during my part time years. I can’t believe I have been working full time for 18 years now. Time really does fly!
I stayed home with our son for five years (until he was almost seven), but no way was I going to arrange playdates or show my face at his school or events or drive kids around or chaperone anything. I mean, c’mon, it’s hard enough babysitting* your own kid, don’t even think about asking me to interact with strange kids.
*Co-workers gently informed me that when it’s your own kid, it’s not called “babysitting.” Who knew?
My job ended in 2020 when I was 57. I worked for the state of California for 28 years. I have full medical plus a pension. Our house is paid off, our kids are out of college (with no loans) and we helped pay for 3 weddings. I asked my financial planner if I needed a part-time job but between my pension, savings, income generating assets and an inheritance he said I didn’t need to.
I LOVE being retired. We have 5 grandchildren (ages1-6). I play in several tennis leagues and I spend a lot of time with my grandchildren.
I think that’s a reasonable name evolution, but I do pay attention to how people modify their handles for their family. (My IRL child picked FretfulSon to join CC which I thought was hilarious.) I think @shawbridge refers to “shawwife” which I always find charming. In your case, it seemed like man/mom harked a bit to man/wife which reminded me of our general patriarchal soup that we all live in. I think it’s interesting that NUW sounded more generic to you. Again, our patriarchal soup.
ETA: I don’t think the patriarchy is off-topic for this post in case people start wondering. It’s a real thing that women generally have lower lifetime earnings because of much of their lifetime labor being unpaid. (Even for those of us, like me, who always WOH.) In fact, despite the greater earnings, I think men even get more of a pass for taking time to care for children and then grandchildren.
I didn’t want to retire until I could get Medicare, and a string of events resulted in my exit from a workforce mere months after my 65th birthday. In the years leading up to that, I had no clear “retirement plans” but was actively thinking about what work provided me (paycheck, intellectual challenge, updated tech knowledge, social connections, respect of colleagues, purpose, structure, etc) and what it cost me (time and freedom to be with friends and family, to travel, …)
A change in my work situation as the result of a merger greatly shortened the first list, and retirement has been great. I promised myself that since I had really missed flexibility and freedom, I would take on no new commitments for a year outside of deferred personal projects (like house projects), and while there are occasional times when I feel a little bit at loose ends, I think I’d rather be intentional in filling time than just being busy. It’s so easy to feel like you have so much time and that you can agree to so much, and then suddenly, you’re back to no time for your priorities!
I’m also keenly aware that many of the things that excite me require good health and good mobility, and neither is guaranteed for both people in a marriage. Over the years, I’ve watched so many folks put off doing something then not be able to because of health. So “yes” is the answer to all invitations on that front!
I suspect that most people know when this is right for them.
@gardenstategal - that mobility/health piece is one I think about a lot. Have seen many, many friends and colleagues think carefully about ‘just the right time’ to retire - then shortly after leaving they (or their spouse) are hit with a severe/debilitating health issue.
The consciousness of the finite nature of time and the limited window for certain activities really weighs on me - it’s not just a money calculation…
I was widowed at 57 but inherited federal survivor pension and health care access.
I continued in my part time but stressful job until I reached a milestone work anniversary of 40 years for the same organization. I gave myself a birthday gift that year, at 64, of not attending the annual mandatory education requirements and bowing out. This was just pre-Covid. My professional license was still valid and allowed me to volunteer for our county Covid Vaccine initiative when that rolled around.
I now fill my days with adult learning opportunities, pickleball, mah jongg, and exercise classes, and several times a month of volunteering for our local food bank and Meals on Wheels. It’s a good balance of self-care and giving back.
Oh, and grandchildren! All of the above retirement activities are flexible enough to allow chunks of time to visit with the grands, who are now 3000 and 9000 miles away. I have flown to help with daycare/school spring breaks or parent work/pleasure trips.
Though I still miss the people and comaraderie of work, I don’t miss the stress. I am enjoying this phase of life.
