So, my mom was my alternate health care proxy and POA after my husband. My mom passed away last month and we need to update our documents and our will. D is an only child and 19. H’s sister is executor of our will, but she does not align with my view for end of life care. D is the closest to agreeing with my beliefs but I don’t want to burden her with the decision. She says she would want to be the back up agent. After just going through it with my mom and knowing how emotionally hard it is to make the decisions when family is protesting, I don’t know that I want that for her.
We did it last year when updating will and setting up a trust. Kids in their early to mid 20s and my parents are now mid-80s so it seemed like the time to transition over to the younger generation.
Our documents state that DH and I are proxy for each other with our only child next in line in the event that there is no living spouse. We updated these documents when DS turned 14. There is no one on either side of our family we would want making decisions for us ahead of our son. He’s 23 now.
My husband had two back to back life altering medical issues. We called our lawyer from the hospital room during the second event. Our wills are rewritten, and our daughters, who are in their 20s, are named POA. I’m not sure when we would have gotten around to making any changes otherwise, but it’s a relief to have it done.
I redid my will and trust last year. My son is named first in both medical and legal, which is the proper legal action. Second in the medical is my physician, who is also a close friend. Second in the POA is my lawyer, also a close friend. After them comes my cousin, who lives locally.
My sister lives far away. We had issues with the illnesses and care of my parents, as well as legal issues. It was the toughest time in our normally close relationship. (So, please, never tell her my true reasons for leaving her out. )
On the other hand, my sister has shared with me her desire for cremation, who she is leaving her house to, etc. I think I’ll ask her if she has taken some legal steps to avoid probate.
We set things up so that DH and I were each other’s proxy/POA if alive, then our children once they were at least 30, then our siblings.
So when our kids were both under 30 it was spouse then sibling. Now that the oldest is 30 the siblings are out of it, but could serve if kids are unavailable.
I am a widow with 3 adult children and a revokable trust. All arrangements were made after the death of my husband and children were in their twenties - now all in thirties.
In the event of my incapacity, eldest is executor of trust, second is power of attorney and third is health care proxy. Backup of these roles is rotated among the three in the event any one is unable to fulfill their role.
My mom, who passed away 11 years ago at age 93, with a very strong, clear mind, assigned that roll to her lawyer after my dad died a few years before. She did NOT want to be kept alive, was ready to go, etc. she was afraid that in the end, even though her three children were very clear about her her wishes, that we would panic and ask for more to be done to keep her alive.
You have to admire that kind of determination to go on your own terms. The three kids, her lawyer and her physician all had copies, and I think she was also carrying a copy in her purse.
DH and I are proxies for each other. S2 is our secondary proxy. Currently, BIL is our executor, but we want to update our wills to designate S1 as executor. Both sons know to consult with the other, even if only one has ultimate authority.
We redid our wills after my mother died. H has me first, then D1 for medical directive and POA, S1 is executor. I have H as executor and POA, but D1 as medical, S1 second. D1 was 22 and S1 29. H is medically-deficient, and believes in heroics. Not for me, and our kids know it. He was actually relieved to not be listed. So it all worked out for the best.
ETA: our first wills listed each other, but my dad was 2nd for both of us. H said his family wouldn’t be able to make good medical decisions so he thought my dad (retired physician) would be better able to keep him alive. As his relatives have passed away over the years, he was right.They have unusual interpretations of medical care.
We revised things around five years ago- had moved to a different state just a few years before that. Of course we kept each other first on lists. Then we switched from contemporaries- we’re all getting old- to the next generation. We chose a savvy relative of H’s several years older than our son who can handle the paperwork for financial stuff. Would have to look up medical things- H and I are physicians and have clearly state our wishes- plus the lawyer in charge had a very detailed list we could check off boxes on. Years later we likely would place the onus on our son.
Fortunately both of us come from families who have enough medical expertise to draw on now and in the future when the time comes and none will insist on delaying the inevitable. Like draws like in basic philosophies. My siblings and I are very different in many respects with handling some stuff but are all on the same page regarding our elderly father’s end (mother gone decades ago). He’s long past decision making except for staying in his house- the enabler gets to deal with that. Practical bunch.
My advice is to look at your generation if you are still younger than 60’s , After that look at reliable next generation relatives over the age of 30. Kids in their 20’s are still figuring out their path and establishing themselves. They are less likely to have time or knowledge about the types of financial matters.
For health care decisions try to have a detailed plan that conveys your wishes (can vary between spouses)- beyond the minumum set forth in state documents is good. There will always be interpretation but but details help answer questions about “what if’s” more so than just “no tube feeding” does. Ours included probability of recovery in weeks versus months or never. Too many scenarios to want to detail even many possibilities or be too simplistic. Not a fun time going over the 3-4 pages that each had maybe 3-4 options but they set a tone.
I believe H and I named one another. I believe we named our niece as primary after us and then our kids as backup. I think our kids are now old enough (32/30) we will name S and then D as backup.
It depends on the kid. I am so happy to have my kids old enough and competent enough to do these things. No spouse. Both of my siblings have issues where they’d be disasters at deciding. But…make sure you can have discussion with family in general about what you would want. I was sort of the do not intubate mindset previously, but with covid and my risks, heck yes, as people my age survive intubation. The virus has made me proactive in having those discussions with all three.
In filling out the details, I was careful to address and acknowledge ambiguity and whether more conservative action should be taken or not in the case of uncertain outcomes, as that is what really makes it difficult in some scenarios.
I had planned to have signing parties with a group of old friends and a good document, to discuss and then witness for each other. But now with isolation, I dropped off the booklets for my friends to do with other witnesses.
Sadly, neither my husband’s or my siblings have the combo of scruples and investment savvy we desire - they all lack one or the other or both. After each other, we did move it from my aging parents to our kids. At least if they blow it, is their own doing, not others. We’ve also set it up to be parceled out in stages.