<p>This second summer of D home from college has been close to friction free. She remarked upon it and I said, “Yes, you’ve gotten so much more reasonable.” And gave her the classic Mark Twain quote.</p>
<p>Try to find ways of being loving-- just coming over to her hugging her, saying “I love you”, and leaving fast before she can offend you… 
</p>
<p>I liken these years to the ‘screaming toddler in the grocery store’ era… </p>
<p>It is easier not to take it personally when they’re little and nasty than when they are big and nasty. Nasty behavior is often a ‘push off’ act of independence. Couple this with hormones and it can get ugly. (I think PMS is nature’s way of reminding mothers how raging hormones can hijack good humor.) Thinking of her as a melting down toddler will give you more patience.</p>
<p>I do not accept hideous treatment-- I am not a doormat-- so I insist on decent standards. But I do not hold grudges, and I try to find as many ways of creating happy interactions as I can. Just showing up to pick up your kid with a burger and a shake in the car can do wonders. </p>
<p>BTW: My D was “easy” but my son is making up for it!!</p>
<p>Remembering back to my college years, I was amazed at how much my parents changed between my leaving for college and graduation four years later. Before, they were constantly on me about every little thing and trying to run my life for me. Thankfully, they grew out of that, somehow. I imagine it was very difficult for them to undergo a major behavioral change at their age.</p>
<p>They got quite a bit smarter too, and during the same time period.</p>
<p>It’s just a phase… hopefully it will wear off soon… I have some friends that are 25 that still act like they are 15 sometimes…</p>
<p>I have two teenaged daughters, 16 1/2 and 14. The 16 has always had a sweet, even temperment. The other one is Satan. Or possibly possessed. I love her more than my life but I do not enjoy her company a lot of the time lately. However, recently, the nasty, surly, tough girl flung herself on my lap and cried her eyes out. So my little girl is still in there somewhere. I’m just hoping to see more of her and less of the pea soup spewer.</p>
<p>If you go by my son’s reactions, I am the stupidest when he is hungry, tired or anxious. </p>
<p>I have had multiple successes with the phrase, “I don’t want to badger you, but if you want to talk, I want to listen.”</p>
<p>And to repeat Cheers earlier post, “Don’t take it personally.” Even when it sounds pretty personal.</p>
<p>I asked my Ds, who are 15 and 17, and their friends, when do you stop callng “shot gun” (to ride in the coveted passenger seat to be able to control the radio), I asked When do you stop doing that? Cause it is annoying, especially when its teen girls all jocking for that seat getting into a car</p>
<p>“Um, we still have friends in their 20s who call Shot Gun…”</p>
<p>Boppin’ through this thread to extend {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} and sympathy to those struggling with this…</p>
<p>Knock on wood, we have thus far sailed through the teenage years…and on Friday, I will officially have FOUR TEENAGERS, as my middle son turns 13!!! (oldest four are 19, 17, 15, and now, 13!!!)</p>
<p>drb~ hang in there…From what I’ve seen/heard with my friends, most surly teens DO eventually turn into extremely lovable young adults. PLEASE do NOT give up on your relationship with your D!!!
{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>Certainly appears that the adolescence of one kid is no guarentee, either positive or negative, of the adolescence of the subsequent ones.</p>
<p>I have been blessed with the easiest teen boy on the planet…and he is no wussy mama’s boy, just a kid with a very easy going, non-confrontational temperament. He gets to do 99% of what he wants to do, because he is trustworthy and gives us no trouble when we say no (which happens too).</p>
<p>His sister, still a “tween” is my just dessert. </p>
<p>I am stealing myself for her adolescence already, since I know I will feel like running away. Love her spunk, pizzzazz, persistence, etc. but she is going to be a tough cookie during that time, so it’s mom’s payback time for the easy kid!</p>
<p>
hee hee!!! :D</p>
<p>I’ve got one I’m dreadin’ too…my 11-year-old girl. OMG, she is a DOLL, but yeah, “spunk, pizzazz, persistence”–and just good, old-fashioned CHUTZPAH describe mine to to “t.” Hey, wanna run away TOGETHER in a couple of years??? I hear Cancun is nice…<em>lol</em> :D</p>
<p>~b.</p>
<p>Could “1st child easy; 2nd child hard” be due in part to sibling rivalry? </p>
<p>The younger child could be angry at the older child for being good, for being Mom or Dad’s favorite, for getting more stuff, etc. However, instead of triggering conflict between the children, the younger child doesn’t think it’s a good idea to be angry at the older sibling and projects that anger onto the favorite parent or the parent who gets along better with the older child.</p>
<p>Just a wild, amateur-psychologist-type thought. I may have watched too many episodes of the Sopranos.</p>
<p>Part of it is surely genetic… There is scarcely an easy-going person in my entire family tree; we are all intense!</p>
<p>In our house, my first child is my step-D (I married her dad when she was 3) who, I feel, may have been affected by her early-childhood traumas stemming from divorce, abandonment issues, etc. So, while she is a joy, I have always wondered whether/what it has cost her to be so pliant. </p>
<p>I almost wish she’d been a snot. It nags me in the back of my mind that she never felt safe enough to be horrid.</p>
<p>"the younger child could be angry at the older child for being good, for being Mom or Dad’s favorite, for getting more stuff, etc. "</p>
<p>There certainly is an element of that, as older D. is a better student, better athlete, and less the social animal. We try very hard not to compare them (no “why can’t you be like your sister”) but its clearly an issue. Younger D. in fact manipulates it: “Don’t expect me to do well; I’m the dumb one.” Not true, she was the early reader and is a better writer; if she cared the least bit about homework/studying she’d do very well. </p>
<p>In fact, its actually unfair to older D., as we have to be very restrained in our praise for her academic/athletic success so as not to hurt younger D.'s feelings.</p>
<p>The analogy to the “screaming toddler in the grocery store” was quite apropos; the problem is that this tantrum has been going on now for nearly a year. I just cannot imagine another three.</p>
<p>DRB,</p>
<p>If you suspect sibling rivalry, I would tell D2 what I think and ask her how we can deal with this. Ask her to think about it first since she may not realize why she feels hostile, only that she feels that way. Give her time to mull it over without badgering her. Use your personal time alone with her to explore this further. Go get an ice cream, take her shopping, go for a walk in the park, or go anyplace public where tantrums aren’t allowed but private discussions are realistic. Don’t expect to resolve this in one sitting because it’s an ongoing process.</p>
<p>Initially, I would not include D1 or your wife in the discussion with D2 because that seems like the family is ganging up on her and will make it worse. Obviously, you should discuss this with your wife first to make sure she agrees with your “diagnosis” and proposed cure. I would not discuss this with D1. To do so would treat her as an adult who is consulted on kid problems. I know that it’s easy to do that with mature 1st children but they aren’t entitled to fulfill that role no matter how able they are to do it.</p>
<p>The good thing about your problem is that it shows D2 believes you love her enough to let her treat you this way. She’s testing your love. It’s no fun, and you need to tell her that your love will survive this test but your good-will and sanity might not.</p>
<p>Hey, I would just like to remind some of you that (gasp) sometimes it’s the parent’s fault. And it bothers us when you belittle what we say and chock everything up to being our hormones. I know it’s bad to talk back, but what about when the parent IS wrong and it’s something that needs to be discussed. Everytime we say what’s on our mind, if it’s contrary to what the parent says, it’s “talking back.” Well that’s crap.</p>
<p>citygirlsmom, my friends still call shot gun and they’re all in their mid twenties. I just roll my eyes :P</p>
<p>My little sister is 17, and she always pulls the “well so and so is allowed to do this… and this… and this…”… I don’t think she realizes that I’m 23. It’s no big deal if I decide to drive to Florida with my friends for a week, or if I decide to hop on a bus to go to NYC for a weekend… yet she doesn’t understand why she’s not allowed to go to Florida for a week with her friends. This past weekend she flipped out because I went to the beach with a friend and that she’s not allowed to go to the beach with a friend. I asked her if she wants to go with next time and she’s like “NO.” I’m sure my parents would have no problem if she was going with a friend and an… (grasp) adult. They had no problem with her going to the beach with me two weekends ago. She just thinks her and her 17 year old friends should be able to drive three hours to go to the beach. (Aside from the fact that she’s the only one out of all of them who has her license and has enough trouble going to school without getting lost yet alone the Jersey shore.)</p>
<p>Kids.</p>
<p>GreenDayFan,</p>
<p>Parents can be wrong. I’ve certainly said things to my kids I wish I hadn’t and that hurt. Perhaps you should do what I suggested for DRB - take your parent/s to Starbucks, describe how you feel, and ask how you can resolve this. Be persistent and calm, in the adult way that you want to be treated.</p>
<p>DRB – “I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.” ~Hunter S Thompson </p>
<p>Fear and loathing during the teen years, drb. :D</p>
<p>Parents are infallible. That is the mantra of the Parent’s Forum. Can you believe that kid? Geeezzzz.</p>
<p>A few weeks ago, I met the mother of the most well-behaved boy I know. She was steamed. She said “He called me every kind of cow there is!” </p>
<p>Seroiusly, it might not be sibling rivalry–just sibling choice, Isnt’ it a well known fact that younger siblings avoid paths–behavior,sports, whatever-- already taken by older siblings?</p>
<p>GreenDayFan, </p>
<p>Good point.</p>