When do you know it is Imposter's Syndrome vs truly being out of your depth?

[mondoz]

Hey everyone,

I understand my past posts have been flagged for being reptitive, but I’m confident this one breaks that trend officially.

I am posting here because I have to graduate with my Ph.D per the terms and conditions of my fellowship (or I have to return the funding). After I had fallouts with my Master’s advisor, first Ph.D advisor (who stopped advising me since she thought I wasn’t ready for a Ph.D at this time, she was also leaving the university anyway), and am receiving negative evaluations and course reviews, I’m starting to think I was out of my depth for a Ph.D since I’ve only been functionally capable of getting away with the bare minimum.

Here’s the “evidence” (for lack of a better term) for this:

1.) Was pretty much not in the driver’s seat for my Master’s or Ph.D at all and waited on direction. It got to the point where my Master’s grades my first year were poor (and had a GPA of 3.48 upon graduation).

2.) Was the only one who got an overall grade of B and B+ in one credit hour seminar classes since I got a presentation grade of C both Spring semesters during my Master’s. As a full-time instructor, my presentations are negatively received constantly.

3.) Was the only one who didn’t take a 1 credit hour class for TAing that would’ve let me do so my second year of the program. This was because I was under the impression it was teaching a full class rather than simply assisting. I anticipated that going horribly with my clinically diagnosed social anxiety so I didn’t do it. When the second year of the program came along, I was the only one who didn’t have 20 hours for my assistantship contract since I only stuck to 10 hours of research assistant work. I also didn’t pursue other research related work on campus (the only other person who didn’t TA had another RAship to go up to 20 hours).

4.) At every stage of my education, I’ve had life coaches or career counselors my parents hired to make sure my application materials for graduate school and jobs alike look like what should be expected of one. They’ve even helped me with time management, which is a constant struggle of mine even to this day (example: I still haven’t released grades for two sections of Research Methods that I’m teaching right now).

5.) After I was done with classes, I was only working 10-20 hours a week on my project for qualifiers. My first Ph.D advisor wanted me to work on it the whole time for 40 hours a week. Not only did I not need 40 hours, but I never went out of my way to fill in the extra time with other additional projects (there was only one additional project and I wasn’t allowed to collect data for it until I was done with data collection for my qualifier project).

5.) For those wondering whether others in my Master’s cohort faced similar struggles, they didn’t. All of them had at least one independent project, worked on external research, or sometimes a bit more.

From my perspective, I’ve struggled in just about every domain and there hasn’t been a noticeable improvement in my skills or abilities at all. Rather, I developed PTSD (from how my first advisor treated me) and Major Depressive Disorder at the severe level instead. I think this has set me back, rather than forward.

I was warned by another autistic academic that postdocs and tenure track jobs have much higher productivity expectations, which I don’t want to subject myself to at all.

Is this Imposter’s Syndrome though? Or, am I just not a fit for this at all?

I would like to hear some thoughts.

I should note that I need to graduate with my Ph.D per the terms of a fellowship that I got earlier this academic year so if I quit my Ph.D now (never mind the fact I’d be doing so late) then I need to return the $11k that’s been awarded to me already.

For those also wondering about the full extent of my conditions:

-3rd percentile processing speed
-ADHD-I
-Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) - Severe (without psychotic features)
-PTSD
-Stress (in general)

MDD, PTSD, and the increased stress I all had during my Ph.D. My low processing speed was always like that since I’ve been younger too (and got me a clinical diagnosis of dysgraphia too). My processing speed was literally 0.1 percentile when I was a teen. I stupidly didn’t take peer note taking accommodations when I was an undergrad since I thought I would be found out by my peers in some capacity. However, I did use 1.5x extended time, use of computer (instead of handwriting), and reduced distractions environment. I also didn’t work during undergrad as well since taking classes full time was extremely demanding for me. I also stupidly stuck with a BS track in Psychology despite not doing well on it (I had to take math up to Calc 2 and bombed all but Calc 2 but that’s because I retook Calc 2) because I was told that a BS was more sellable to graduate schools than a BA. I know now that BS vs. BA makes little difference. 3.3 overall GPA and a 3.5 PSY GPA were my final stats.

[parentologist]

You know it’s imposter syndrome when you start the program and immediately do just fine in it. That seems to not have been the case, from what you are reporting. Do you see an alternate career path, that would bring you satisfaction without the horrible stress you’re under?

[mondoz]

I agree that it’s not been the case I’ve been doing well in it.

I’m speaking to a vendor through vocational rehabilitation later today that will help me find jobs that are less stressful. I’m in a tricky spot where I need that guidance and outside help from others since I have to graduate with my Ph.D or forfeit the money I was awarded. I’m hoping to be done by this August.

[compmom]

Can you get a retroactive withdrawal/leave for medical reasons, with your diagnoses? Is it possible you could then avoid having to refund the money? If you are able to return the $11k I would do so, honestly. This sounds hard to endure. What kind of job were you aiming for with this PhD program? Perhaps there is another way to achieve your goals.

[mondoz]

Those are fair questions. I could get a retroactive leave for medical reasons from my Ph.D program, but I dont think that’s viable given my visiting instructor position at this SLAC. Same goes for the fellowship as well.

I was aiming to be a research assistant of some kind. One thing I enjoyed in my undergrad, Master’s, and Ph.D was the assisting part of research. Taking the lead’s been insanely difficult for me. I told the vendor for vocational rehabilitation that I’m looking for a research assistant position so hopefully I can get around overqualification given that I’m technically disabled and they’ll reach out to employers.

[blossom]

OP- I beg you- please share these negative and repetitive thoughts with your medical team.

Being reflective about one’s past experiences and learning from them is a wonderful skill which allows you to move on with your life. But the line between reflection and perseveration is the difference between moving on and getting stuck in an endless cycle of doom and catastrophe.

A few weeks ago you were having trouble with basic hygiene and now you are back to worrying about your GPA. I’m concerned that you can hyper- focus on things you cannot control (what happened while you were an undergrad) while being unable to tackle the important tasks you need to complete RIGHT NOW- " I still haven’t released grades for two sections of Research Methods that I’m teaching right now."

Please work with your mental health team. I know 11K is a lot of money but until your depression is under control, all these ancillary worries and concerns and next steps are just noise in your head.

And stop worrying about being over-qualified. The world is filled with people with advanced degrees who have “regular jobs”. They put food on the table. They pay their rent. They have health insurance. I have a friend teaching pre-school. She has an MBA and had a lot of professional success early on. Her spouse is disabled-- and so she has a job that requires zero travel, regular hours, no stress, and has good health insurance (which most pre-school roles do not offer, but her school is part of a large social service agency which has terrific benefits). Nobody cares about her past life. There are people with doctorates who do all sorts of things they do not require advanced education. Resolve your current health issues and then you can figure out your path.

[Lindagaf]

All of your posts lists reasons why you’re failing. Why try to convince strangers that you believe you’re a failure? Do you want us to say “yes, we see you’re a failure?” That’s not going to happen.

None of us are trained mental health professionals. To me, each time I see your posts I see someone who has tried hard but who has mental health issues that make it very difficult to succeed. I don’t see an imposter. I see a person who has the self-awareness to see they are out of their depth and is looking to justify why they don’t want to do something anymore.

You need to take care of your mental health. Quitting something that is hurting you mentally isn’t failure. It’s called taking care of #1– you! You can quit the program. Work out a repayment program and call it a day. There’s no shame in knowing when it’s time to get away from what is making you ill.

[momofboiler1]

I’m going to give the OP some leeway here but since this is very similar to their other threads, and the help they need is beyond the scope of CC, I’m setting this thread to auto close at midnight tonight.

OP, as previously noted in your other threads, please discuss this with your health care team.

[mondoz]

This is definitely one of the more insightful posts I’ve seen on this subject for sure

I think it is worth mentioning that I’ve collected data for my dissertation already and just need to write up the Results and Discussion before I defend it. I’m going to take a good hard look at myself and determine whether that’s still worth it or not.

If I do that, I can keep the fellowship money and remain a fellow in general, which has connection benefits mainly.

But yeah, I’ve learned this late in the game that academia definitely wasn’t for me. I had other instructor positions I was going to apply to but I might not do that given how severe things have been with my mental health and that it only got worse before it got better. I can’t take of others without taking care of myself first (as the old saying goes).