When do you pay for a meal?

Parent Cafe
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I didn’t want to derail the thread about being thanked when one pays for a meal so I started this thread about something I considered posting about for years. Seriously, years.

Let’s say you are visiting family in another town, spending a night or two with them. If you go out, who do you think “should” pay for the meal? The family hosting? The family visiting, as a thank-you? Are there some mitigating factors, such as wealth or age?

Example 1: We often go see dh’s much older brother, who at this point is the patriarch of the family. He and his wife often put us up in one of their hotels. We arrive with something in hand – special delicacy they can’t get in their town, for instance. Or we’ll make a grocery run and pay. If we go out to dinner, who would you expect to pay?

Example 2: We host a couple, related by marriage, who have never been to our home/hometown, for a week. We considered their visit our staycation and planned accordingly, both in terms of fun activities and picking up the bill for most everything, even if they insisted. We appreciated that they traveled so far to see us and were happy to spend so much time with them. Of course, just like us in the previous example, they found ways to chip in.

Example 3: We recently visited ds2 while he was working out of state. We stayed with him at his hotel for free. We intended to pay for all groceries and meals, but he wouldn’t hear of it. We Venmo’d him money when we got home anyway! We celebrated our anniversary while we were there, so that’s why he wanted to pick up the fancy dinner, but it was our anniversary and fully expected to pay, which is why we agreed to the fancy dinner in the first place.

Do y’all have some criteria/algorithm for who picks up a check? Clearly, it seems like we think it defaults to the “host,” but not when it comes to our kids! lol And no one should come across as a cheapskate or moocher, but when hosting do you have the expectation that you will pick up most things? Or do you think that you’re already hosting so your guests should carry much/most of the load?

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I have been hosting a lot of people in the last few months. I always make a pretty big grocery run before guests arrive and make sure we are stocked with food and drink to put out when they arrive as well as breakfast/lunch items. I don’t expect anyone to offer to pay if we go out/ order takeout but I do appreciate it when someone does.

When I visit someone I always ask to pick up the check for a meal out or ordered in.

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No specific criteria and no one rule fits every situation.

But in general, if someone hosts us we arrive with (what we hope is) a generous and thoughtful gift (often wine and/or food – we discuss in advance.with hosts) and we always offer (and typically do) pay for a nice dinner out. And of course H and I do our best to help around the house (hopefully without getting in the host’s way) while we’re there.

With kids we usually treat, but they have paid for us at times now that they are adults.

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As a child and as a parent, there is great accomplishment when as the child, to be solvent enough to pick up the check. As a parent, I think we feel that we must always pay. Seems like there’s some disconnect with those feelings. :wink:

Anymore, we do enough for our parents that when they want to pick up the check we are happy to let them.

My husband’s brother hosted us many times when he owned a vacation home that we pick up the check now. When we vacationed together, we brought dinners and food. When we went out to dinner, the check was split.

A couple of reasons. One, they were in a different tax bracket than us, picked restaurants that were much more expensive than we ever ate at. And they ordered all the courses and all the drinks. At the time, it would have been a budget buster and we would have declined vacationing at their place. But we definitely contributed in ways we could. Also my in laws would split the check, they didn’t pick up the check for everyone. See above :up_arrow:

With friends, we usually split the check. We don’t have many visitors but when we have, we are the hosts.

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When we are being hosted by someone we always take them out for a meal as a thank you. We’ll often do it when visiting family too even if we’re not staying with them. I would not expect people hosting us to pay for us as well when we go out.

When we go out with friends we always split the bill, and unless (hardly ever happens) there’s a big discrepancy in prices of what we’ve ordered we’ll just split it down the middle and assume it comes out in the wash over time.

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With just the info you presented -
Example 1 - I would try to take them out to at least 1 meal.

Example 2 - I would expect them to offer to pay for at least 1 meal.

Example 3 - I would expect you would pay for a fair amount of meals.

In our case, generally if we are with a younger generation, we will pay, even if it’s not our kids (Nieces/nephews kind of thing).

I have some relatives that are the generation before me, but I try hard NOT to let them pay, because they don’t have any money to speak of.

If it’s couple’s we go out with regularly, we split the check, but occasionally will “surprise” the other couple with paying.

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You’ve hit on an unspoken distinction: The places my wealthy BIL and SIL chose were out of our price range. They knew it. We knew it. No pretending who was going to pick up that check. But if we specifically invited them to dinner, we picked a less expensive place and paid.

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With friends we have our own check. With the kids we pay usually as they are still getting started in life. We are about to host a cousin who we know is in a lower tax bracket. I expect to do a grocery run for breakfast and lunch and pay for dinners.

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It’s funny to me how the generational thing works. Why did me and my siblings let my mom pay for dinner into her 90s??? And, yeah, we almost always pay for our kids, too, and nieces/nephews. And I imagine we will think we should keep paying into our 90s!

ETA: The former roommate of ds2 visits here for work every year and texts me to set up a dinner. Of course we pay for him! I’m so delighted that he thinks of us and wants to spend time with us. That’s partly a generational thing, too.

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10

For me, it depends. If I know I have more resources and the other person has more limited resources, I generally offer or we will both provide our cards and split the bill. It’s whatever everyone is comfortable with. Our kids allow us to pay when we are staying with them (that way we don’t have to get an expensive hotel room). Same when we visit my BIL. We can afford it and we enjoy it.

Whenever I stay at someone’s place, I bring a generous gift and buy groceries and a meal or several meals.

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My parents paid when we went out to eat until my mom passed and my dad’s illness (Alzheimer’s) got worse, and then we paid. So far only two of our kids picked up a check as a surprise (tbd two oldest, who are launched, I wouldn’t be comfortable with the other three paying yet, but in a few more years…

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If we book a pricey place (whether in absolute terms or relative to who are taking out) for family or hosting friends we always make it clear when booking - “we’d love to treat you guys”.

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My ex sil, her parents never paid for a meal. Never hosted a meal.

It became a family joke.

My mil would loudly exclaim at family dinners when they were present, that they were splitting the bill, so not to stick her son and his wife with the whole check.

They also ordered the most expensive dish on the menu and always and I mean always complained. About the food, the service, you name it. Once they made a big stink about the free glass of wine they didn’t received. They don’t drink.

We tried to avoid those occasions if we possibly could. Don’t miss that.

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As I mentioned in the earlier thread, I’d prefer some form of splitting bill or each party pays own share. However, that preference isn’t always a good option. Many people have strong feelings about who pays, and money is generally a sensitive topic for most person. Ignoring those strong feelings may have lasting negative repercussions, regardless of what is the standard rule about who pays in that particular circumstance. So my default is try to pick up on signals from other party and follow along.

For example, when my parents visit, any time we go out to eat, my father insists on paying for the meal. It doesn’t matter if I offer, what I say, who has higher income/wealth, whose food composed the bulk of the meal cost, or how many people are being served; he is going to pay. If I sent him money afterwards, I expect he would find that extremely offensive. My mother justifies it as when staying at my home, their lodging savings are far more than the meal cost, but I doubt has anything to do with the reasoning. I expect it’s more than my father views himself as the patriarch of the family who pays for family meals. The best strategy in this situation is to let him pay for meals.

When there are less clear signals from the other party, I try to clarify some kind of rule or pattern beforehand. Sometimes it works well. Some times it does not. For example, many years ago when I was dating, we’d sometimes go on day trips, with a lot of driving. I thought we had established one person drives and pays for gas + wear on car, and the other person pays for the meal(s). It didn’t work as well as I hoped, as I later learned there were some unspoken hard feelings.

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If I have visiting guests and we go out…I will pay for dinner out. Usually we go out more than once so the visitor gets to pay also if they offer to. Otherwise, I pay. My feeling is…this is my home and I should be paying. We have gotten nice gift cards to various eateries from friends and relatives who have stayed with us…and those are appreciated.

This isn’t uniform. I have a few friends where we always split the bill evenly…so two couples…bill gets split in half.

Both of our kids have treated us out to eat. And, it was a nice surprise.

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My dad always insisted on paying when the family gathered too. My younger brother made more than all of us but no one wanted to offend dad. We all found other ways to giving back and showing we love them.

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When the kids have their own jobs, we’ll pay for everything.

It’s just coming out of their inheritance anyways.

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We pay for our kids mid 20s but once in awhile they offer but both live out of town and country so… It’s a big deal when we are together. With friend’s everyone puts in a credit card. Mostly splits fairly.

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Relatives hosted my wife and me, our boys, and their significant others at their country club. It is an exclusive place. We had a great meal, excellent wine and craft cocktails. It is obviously a place where credit cards and cash aren’t accepted. I was prepared with cash and I slipped $900 into the pocket of the wife’s coat on the way out.

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When we first moved to Florida in February of 2018, we had so many overnight guests. It was like a revolving door. I think we averaged someone coming to stay every six weeks until Covid hit. It was kind of a relief!

As a hostess, I very much appreciated guests who took us out for one meal when they spent three or more nights with us. It is a lot of work to host people in your home. If we stay with friends in their home when we visit, we take them out for a meal while there. Personally, I am not into stuff, so I prefer hostess gifts which are consumable. Actually, I’d prefer to receive no hostess gifts at all, but many of us (myself included) were raised to never show up empty handed. I try to graciously accept anything I am given. Consumables are also what I like to give as hostess gifts unless I know the recipient loves, “stuff.”

To me, the best practice for handling who’s paying when dining out is communicating a desire to pay/treat beforehand. E.g. As we are headed out to dinner saying, “We are so appreciative of your letting us stay with you! We’d really like dinner to be on us tonight!” Or even before arriving from out of town: “We are so looking forward to spending the weekend with you. We’d love to show our appreciation by treating y’all to dinner one night during our visit! Please let us take you out to one of your favorite spots!”

I have friends whose parents always insist on paying for their entire clan, for every meal out. As @Data10 alluded to, the patriarch would be insulted if he weren’t allowed to pay. These friends are in their 60s and have never once bought a meal for their parents.

In contrast, dh and I were married nearly 30 years before fil passed away. They stayed with us many times (and us with them as well), and I can count on one hand the number of times fil picked up the tab anywhere. We almost always pays for them. Since fil has passed mil, likewise, hardly ever reaches for the check. She expects her adult children to treat her. Different families have different standard operating procedures. Some have proud patriarchs and some have cheap @$$ fils.

Ds has bought us meals, but we usually pay. We are happy to treat him. He’ll sometimes buy drinks if we go for those first.

There are all types/all stripes. The key is communicating well, having an awareness of expectations, and being respectful of the wishes/norms of others.

I swear 95% of frustrations (related to picking up tabs and everything else in life!) could be eliminated with better communication.

Edit to add that when we go out with local friends, it’s pretty much always separate checks.

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