<p>My Dad died in 1974 at 53. Mom was 49. I was almost 12. After that it was just her and me (two older siblings already out of the house) facing the world together. Her own mother died less than 3 months before my Dad. Mom never remarried. She was a church secretary. We got by on he salary and Social Security. She never let on how hard it was for her. I always felt safe and loved. Looking back, I don’t know how she did it. I once heard her say that I (at 12) was her reason for living. </p>
<p>She died in Dec. '03 at 78 yrs. old. The strong cord that had tethered me to earth for my entire life had been cut loose and left me adrift. For years, I couldn’t talk about her without my eyes welling up with tears. </p>
<p>It has gotten better though. I can talk with my sister,brother, aunt about Mom and not get upset.
My sister (10 yrs. older than me) looks more and more like Mom every time I see her…weird. </p>
<p>I’ll miss my Mom forever but I’ve stopped crying. I know she wouldn’t want me to cry and be sad all the time. I wish she could see the fine young men my S’s have become.
I like to think that somehow,she can.</p>
<p>EK, you are not abnormal. Just feel what you feel and know it will get better.</p>
<p>My Dad has been living with cancer for several years and it has been untreatable for a while, so you woudl think we would have adjusted, but really, lately he has turned a corner and now he is dying of cancer, not living with it. Frail, slender, fatigued, he is just not going to keep on that much longer.</p>
<p>It is difficult for my kids who are away at school and for siblings who live far away and only recently has my mother begun to acknowledge that he is really going to die soon.</p>
<p>Any one have anything to share, things they wish they had done or been able to do the last weeks or months of some one’s life? Any suggestions of things to make the process go best? I know about death certificates and getting many copies and am trying to have my mother review all the bills so she knows what is going on, but am wondering what I am missing?</p>
<p>When my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor, she had lost some of her speech so communication had become a problem. We had to scramble to have papers in place for her Power of Attorney and Health care Proxy. I had to start getting her finances in order and organized. She was so independent that we didn’t know where things were, what kind of insurance she had, where the will was, what assests she had in the way of her retirement. The best thing to do is help your mom prepare. Make sure the will is in order and that his last wishes are carried out. Is your dad able to communicate his needs and wants? Now might be a good time to find out how he wants to spend his days. My sister and I took turns caring for her at home and we had many family members visit he while she was still with us. we also had pastoral people come in to say prayers with her and give her communion. i think these were all comforts for her that she appreciated.</p>
<p>ek, my mom passed away 6 yrs ago at 70. She was a vibrant woman until cancer took hold of her. It gets easier over time - believe me but the simplest things bring back sadness. For me it’s sitting in church for special occasions. Yesterday, we were at a baptism and all I could think about was her. </p>
<p>My sister did the same thing your brother did with her possessions. It was her way of dealing w/loss and she just wanted it all. My way to deal with it was to let her have it. Mom hated it when we fought so I wasn’t about to fight over her things. Now, she’s slowly passing things to me. I have all of the pictures and that’s what’s special to me. </p>
<p>somemom, so sorry to hear about your dad. My mom was terminal for a few months and she wanted to keep things normal. I wish I had wisked her off to Europe on a whirlwind tour - it was her dream that wa never fulfilled. I wish I wasn’t in denial at the time - it would’ve meant so much to be able to just sit with her to talk. </p>
<p>Paperwork, arrangements, your dad’s wishes - it’s a good thing they’re being taken cared of. </p>
<p>Take it one day at a time and take care of yourself, too! You’re in my thoughts.</p>
<p>Other than all of the obvious “housekeeping” mentioned by others, I would suggest spending as much time just sitting and talking. My mom was terminally ill for about a year and we spent hours talking about almost everything - stories from her childhood, family dramas, her hopes for everyone. She was in bed most of time time during the last few months, and one of my happiness memories during a very difficult period was sitting on the bed with her and chatting. Sometimes the whole family crowded into her bedroom (we moved her bed to a more convenient room downstairs). My oldest daughter was only three and she would set up a “tea party” on the bed and join right in.</p>
<p>When my mom was diagnosed, the average time for survival was three months with her particular type of cancer, so we had an several months longer than we expected. I learned more about my mother during that period, and I’m grateful that we all had the extra time together.</p>
<p>Even though I first experienced death when afriend and neighbor killed himself when he was 11, it seems like it has taken my mothers death combined with my now middle age , to feel mortal. ( especialy since with most of the deaths, I had never seen their body, until a friends funeral at 19, which had an open casket, it was easier to think they were just “away”)</p>
<p>I also think that as a self protective measure, we only let in what we can handle.
I’ve been reading some books that have been recommended on CC , especially ones by Forrest Church, and while I have always tried to be aware of what sort of legacy I would
leave, I am even more aware now that I may not die neatly in my bed at 95.
( which reminds me of the joke about wanting to go in your sleep like your grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers)</p>
<p>I got to tell my mom everything I would wish now that I had said to her. I thanked her for everything. I acknowledged all she had done well, and was very specific. What a blessing for me as time goes on that I had that chance.</p>
<p>One thing that might be cherished is some video (or at least audio) recording of loved ones and conversations. This can be a legacy and help with family history & memories (like Public Radio StoryBoard project).</p>
<p>My husband and I are about the only people our age that we know who still have all four parents/inlaws. But here’s one thing a neighbor shared. Your support group - friends, people at work and church, treat the death of your parent (really any old person) differently than the death of your spouse or child. If it was your husband or child who had passed, you would receive tremendous and long lasting support. With a parent, people tend to think you’ll “get over it” quickly, so they make a passing comment of sympathy and that’s it.</p>
<p>EK <em>hugs</em> to you. My mom died a year ago. I am surprised at how long and the intensity of my grieving for her. There are times I can hear her talking to me. I know just what she would say in certain situations. My girls know this too and we laugh about it.
She loved Julia Child and I spent the whole movie crying thinking of my mother.
Funny thing is - we never had a close relationship. I had 4 brothers and I always thought she was meant to be a mother of boys. One of my SIL’s actually talked about this - she was the one who brought it up.</p>
<p>My mother was sick for a long time and gave some jewelry to her granddaughters. Never gave me anything. When she died my brother took off her wedding rings and I took them. I have no idea what to do with them though.</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. It is hard whenever we lose someone, but I find it is making me so much more concious of time.</p>
<p>Since my sister has done much geneological work , I have been having a great time reading the history, it is really interesting to see ribbons of names through the generations.</p>
<p>My maternal grandfather was named Emil and my mothers name was Emily( or Emily Ann when she was in Missouri). She never liked her name and was amused when it became popular. My husbands paternal grandfathers name was also Emil ( but pronounced differently) and we gave our youngest daughter Emily as a middle name, to honor them - plus now her college roomates name is Emily and she has two friends from high school named Emily , and while it isn’t quite as popular as Sarah is around here, it isn’t an indication that it must be a great aunt.</p>
<p>I wonder about people who have difficult relationships with their parents and how they grieve. My DH’s parents are not nice people and have caused a great deal of pain over the years. I am wondering if he will miss them or actually miss the potential to ever have a good relationship with them or perhaps not really miss them???</p>
<p>Well I didn’t have a great relationship with my mom. She would say one thing and then do whatever my brother wanted.</p>
<p>She didn’t value some of the same things I do , but while she was alive what I mostly saw was where she was lacking in my
opinion, after her death, I am able to appreciate that she had some very good traits and that is how I am going to remember her.</p>
<p>Unfortunately when my dad died we were both young ( I was 17 and he was 44), that I didn’t get to know him very well.
However I have used techniques like writing letters or talking to him that can be helpful to say things that didn’t get said.</p>
My husbands paternal grandfathers name was also Emil ( but pronounced differently) and we gave our youngest daughter Emily as a middle name, to honor them - plus now her college roomates name is Emily and she has two friends from high school named Emily , and while it isn’t quite as popular as Sarah is around here, it isn’t an indication that it must be a great aunt.</p>