When does it get easier?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I am quite taken aback at how hard my mothers recent death has hit me.
Yes she was quite young I think ( she was barely 75 and I have friends who are in their late 60’s). But she also had suffered from poor health over the last few years, having TIAs ( whether they were diagnosed or not) and pretty bad asthma.</p>

<p>For a time I even tried to imagine how it would be after she died ( like Goldie Hawn in Private Benjamin). Although I was hit very hard when my maternal grandmother died, ( she was 11 years older than my mother), I saw her weekly, but I also was very busy with my young children.</p>

<p>But with my mom, I am really overwhelmed with a sense of loss. I felt like I was just getting to the point where I could prove that I have done something besides raise amazing children ( because that was 80% their own doing). She was always supportive of me, but it mostly was around how great my kids are, not that I have a large income/house, ( which
I felt she valued), although she often times did comment that I had my " **it" together ( she didn’t use exactly that phrase ) ;), as opposed to my sibs who have a very different outlook/political bent.</p>

<p>However… she apparently also gave that impression to my siblings. She would tell me for instance, she would want me to have a certain piece of furniture that she was storing at my brothers house, but when I would go to get it, ( this was totally unprompted by my request), he would say she gave it to him.</p>

<p>It is quite confusing.</p>

<p>When my father died, I was only 17, but I was able to compartmentalize the loss, by moving out, and consuming myself with my young adult life.
But when I had kids, I still had my mom, my grandparents for a short time and now, my kids don’t have that ( their paternal grandparents are not involved at all- by their choice).
That makes me really sad. </p>

<p>On the upside, while my latest book group discussion was taken over with the difficulties of caring for elderly parents with Alzheimers who live in Florida, when you live in Seattle, I found that my family is not as whacked as I previously have been led to believe.</p>

<p>I am always amazed to hear how messed up families that seem to be mainstream middle class USA are.</p>

<p>I guess that is why we have a therapy fund.</p>

2

<p>I’m so sorry for your grief, and for how difficult it is to get through. I think it can take quite a while, judging by how I felt when I lost my father (more than 20 years ago now). As I recall, it just seemed to happen one day, several months later - I heard a song by his favorite vocalist on the radio, and instead of feeling sad because of what I’d lost, I felt happy because the song reminded me of him and made me feel his presence, in a way. But I don’t think I did anything specifically to process the grief - like everyone, I guess, I just went through it.</p>

<p>I think you lost your mom at a particularly hard time - it’s just after the holidays, there’s even less sunshine than usual where you live, it’s a time when people frequently feel worse than usual. And I remember that you’d been working through a down period even before your mom’s death. It’s good to have a support network, like the book club. Around here, we have a free 24-hour helpline for people who need to talk about problems - of any kind. A friend of mine volunteers there, and she’s perfect for listening and comforting. I wish you could call her! :slight_smile: Hoping you’ll be feeling better soon.</p>

3

<p>It took about eight years after my Dad died. My Mom died four years ago and we still miss her … her grandchildren especially, all of whom lived in the same town. It will get better, really.</p>

4

<p>My dad died in 1998 and my mom in 2003. Both still hurt. I feel the loss of my dad most sharply on Father’s Day. Even though I’m a father myself and my kids do nice things for me, I associate the day with him. For me it’s a Father’s Day with no father. Mother’s Day hurts less for some reason, probably because I’m busy making sure the day is properly observed for my wife.</p>

5

<p>I lost my dad right after I joined CC. We had a conflicted relationship in some ways, but I can say that it took me the entire year to get back on my feet. It seemed to me that I needed to go through the seasons and all the firsts in grief and come out on the other side. But there are still sharp pings of grief and what seems to be a permanent sadness. Not depression, just sad that he’s gone.
I’m so sorry for your loss and will be keeping you in my thoughts. I’m so glad that we can be here for you in this difficult time. {{{EK}}}</p>

6

<p>Oh man. I was just thinking of this. I had a dream about her, and thought about how long it been since the last one. I cried a lot at first (not cool during patient sessions!), but it got better, I promise it did. I still feel like crying sometimes, and my mom died age 65, 15 years ago.</p>

7

<p>So sorry. I lost all 3 of my parents within a 2 yr period. The last about 5 years ago. I felt like I handled the emotions pretty well. The strangest thing is that over the last 2 yrs I have really felt the loss. Holiday time, her birthday. I have done some work on acknowledging my feelings and I think that made a difference. It is still painful.</p>

8

<p>My mother died 19 years ago tomorrow. I’m tearing up just thinking about the anniversary – </p>

<p>I was pregnant with my second child when she died – after a 3 year cancer battle. I was terribly busy with young children, and a widowed father, but as I recall it took several years to feel that ‘new normal’ … but as noted by my first sentence … I am not really “over it” and I doubt I ever really will be. You just learn to live with the loss.</p>

9

<p>I am sorry for your loss, emeraldkity. Some of the issue is being an orphan, not having anyone around who remembers us when we were little and cute. My mom has been gone for almost 24 years and my dad for 19, and periodically I am still struck with an urge to call and share something or ask something. When my grandmother died, I found it was comforting to immerse myself in learning more about her Creek heritage, and finding out the origins of many of her cooking traditions was very comforting and grounding. Perhaps there is something like that which would anchor your sense of family. </p>

<p>And yes, every family is a soap opera, no matter how it looks on the outside. </p>

<p>Hugs.</p>

10

<p>I lost my mom fifteen years ago. My older children were babies and she never met my youngest. I wish she were still here and I’m sorry that my kids missed knowing her, but what can I do? I still think about her all time, but in a positive way; not just in sadness. Over time the shock of your mom’s death will be replaced by your many great memories. It’s a very gradual shift and you’ll find that you can one day think about her without feeling sad. You can find peace in the fact that she was really proud of you.</p>

<p>Maybe your mom forgot who she gave the furniture to and she gave it to both you and your brother. Perhaps your brother assumed it was his because she left it at his house. It sounds like it was inadvertent, so try not to feel bad. This type of thing is very common. When I started working in my twenties, I gave my mom a set of china that she loved. I gradually added to it over the years so that it was a very complete set - service for 12 with all the serving pieces. My mother complained that I shouldn’t spend my money on such a thing and she wanted to make sure I got it back when she died. I told her that mom wanted it to go to my daughter someday. About a year after she died, my father mentioned to me that he planned to give “that blue china” to my sister. I couldn’t believe it! How could he not know that I had given it to him over the years? I was really hurt, but I managed to explain to him that I had given it to them and that it would eventually go to my daughter. My guess is that he’ll probably still give it to my sister, but I think that that she knows who it belongs to. And if it never makes it to my daughter, what can I do? Just let it go.</p>

11

<p>EK, I lost my mom when I was in my early 20’s, she was in her late 40’s. Her death was from natural causes but unexpected and she died within a week of the onset of her illness. </p>

<p>My experience was that grief came in waves, and over time the intensity & frequency of the waves subsided. It is o.k. to let yourself grieve --but keep in mind that it is also o.k. to be happy, to have fun, to let things go. I say this because I think that at first you tend to feel very guilty if you are laughing and having fun – but I think it is best if you recognize that your feelings are natural and grief does not mean that you have to be somber 100% of the time.</p>

<p>I don’t think you ever get over it – but certainly the pain goes away over time. But my mom died more than 30 years ago, and I still think of her quite frequently.</p>

<p>Keep in mind that every one of us has a limited time, but those who have touched others in a positive way live on forever in the impact of what they have given or shared. So as long as you and your children live, your mom lives on --just not with her physical presence.</p>

12

<p>Having lost my mom in elementary school, the hardest part for me was having my own kids.</p>

<p>I was probably a little too neurotic about them when they were little. Was I doing it right? How much therapy would they need? I was obsessed that I wouldn’t be around to help them through the important stuff. I wanted them to know all the things I had to figure out on my own and wrote down every silly thing they did or said, took a million pictures and basically hovered, alot. </p>

<p>I did relax a bit by the time D3 showed up, but one book helped me realize that I was doing okay “Motherless Daughters”. I can’t remember when I read it, but it made me laugh - and cry - and figure out how to be my own person, even though I didn’t have her to model to me as I got older.</p>

<p>The hardest part was wondering if I would live longer than she did. Now that I have passed that birthday (and then some), it all feels like gravy.</p>

13

<p>I lost my mom when my youngest was one year old. It takes time for the pain to go away. For me, it was like 2-3 years. I still treasure the jewelries that she left me. It reminds me of the joy she had wearing them.</p>

14

<p>My mom died 3 1/2 years ago at age 75. She died 4 days before she was supposed to have a radical and painful surgery that carried little hope of extending her life, so initially I felt relief that she had been spared that. In the beginning, I was so busy with funeral arrangements and getting my dad settled and then with being executor of her estate, that I didn’t have time to grieve. But, it hit me about a year later and hit me hard. I think it coincided with my oldest son’s college graduation and the fact that we had all planned a big trip east for it. Plus, I had spent much of my adult life living in a distant city and, as such, there were plenty of times I didn’t see her for months on end (although I spoke to her almost daily). However, I had never gone that long without a visit.</p>

<p>I guess what my story and the stories of others are about is that there isn’t one way to grieve such a loss as this. It comes in waves. I still reach for the phone to call her; I still wonder what she would think about different things. I miss her. I’m in my mid 50s and I don’t always feel like a grownup.</p>

15

<p>I am not sure if it gets easier. I lost my mom in 2003 and my dad in 1997. Both died suddenly and unexpectly. I miss them terribly and think about them daily. What makes it so bittersweet is that their generation of relatives are all gone now and we are the level that has moved up. All of my remaining family is scattered and I don’t feel the closeness of family as we once did. It’s like my world has gotten smaller. It’s just my daughter, husband and myself. We all make the best of life and move forward by putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving. What I really feel uneasy about is the fact that my daughter only has us.
Because I lost my sister when I was 4 and a brother when he was 22, both of them unexpectantly and suddenly, has made me very skiddish about things. My mind would always go to worse case scenario and I would hover over my daughter, fearful of things happening. It is no way to live but I’ve learned to let some of it go. Just cannot control everything in life.<br>
I can laugh and remeber some of the good times, but equally, I miss them.</p>

16

<p>My parents died months apart in 08 and my beloved older sister died in January a year ago. I think of them all everyday. It is bittersweet. At Christmas, I would see something that my sister would like and then it would hit me. I am not a strongly religious person but I do get the sense that everything is okay for them and that comforts me. The worst thing for me is that I really have no one who I can whine to about the remaining family members. Plus I lost my favorite shopping buddy- luckily one of my daughters is starting to step up to that position. :0</p>

17

<p>My father died in October of '04. I have yet to really be able to mourn him because my mother was such a wreck and I’m an only child. My mother never lived on her own; straight from her parents to my father (with a major move to the US), so at 69 she was practically helpless. </p>

<p>So I had to fly back to the “old country” (where my father died), deal with all the paperwork there, bring my mother home, deal with all the paperwork here. Then, although she thought I was mean and cruel, I made her learn how to live life on her own. Sort of, I still call every day, see her almost every day, look over anything she has questions about (her English is adequate for everyday reading, but not “official” things).</p>

<p>My mother is finally learning to adjust. I still don’t think I’ve processed my father’s death, I’ve gained another child in my mother and it’s hard not to feel resentful at times. She can’t help but act as if her loss is greater than any other thing in all of our lives. My “vacation” is when she goes back to Europe for 4-5 months in the summer.</p>

<p>I think when I lose my mom it’s going to be a double whammy; I will finally feel the loss of my father and she will be gone too.</p>

18

<p>A few years have passed, and there are still times when I feel that pain of wishing she was here and well to bounce things off of, and especially to see and share in good things that are happening.</p>

19

<p>My dad died in 1984 and my mom in 2003. I have a huge sense of unfinished business when it comes to my dad not because things were left unsaid but because he and my kids never met. My kids remember my mom so we have shared memories which is a huge help and comfort to me.</p>

20

<p>My Dad died in 1978 from lung cancer and he never smoked a cigarette. My Mom died a horrible death in 2004. My oldest child is named after my father and I hate that he and his siblings never met my Dad because he would have really had a blast with them. I must admit that I have gotten over my father’s death-after all, it has been over 30 years-but I’m not even close to getting over my Mom’s death. She didn’t deserve to die the way she did-who does?-but at least my kids have good memories of the time they spent with her. Condolences to you, EK, it does take a while. :(</p>