<p>Thank you, everyone. Lots and lots of good words for me to mull. I just keep worrying that we’ve been “uppity” and that really isn’t our intent. We see this as a great big collective effort involving DNA, effort and most of all luck. Life always surprises. Now everyone go have an excellant “rest of holiday.” I <heart> CC!</heart></p>
<p>mammall,</p>
<p>Congrats to your D.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Is she happy about the admission?</p></li>
<li><p>Are those who are 1st in line to write the check her parent(s) happy about the admission?</p></li>
</ol>
<p>3.Will you have to go hat in hand to any of these people to pay for Yale?</p>
<ol>
<li>Will any of them be going off to college with your child?</li>
</ol>
<p>If the answer to questions 1 & 2 are yes and the answer to questions 3 & 4 are no, then why do you care what they think?</p>
<p>You know that old saying: either put up or shut up. Let them know that you D will attend any school that she is happy to attend and they are willing to pay for over the next 4 years.</p>
<p>This will keep them quiet.</p>
<p>First of all, I have NO idea if the following could be the issue with the OP’s family.</p>
<p>I took a seminar featuring “A Framework for understanding Poverty” by Ruby Payne. She makes the point that moving up in socioeconomic level (and higher education is one way to do this) whether from poverty to middle-class or middle-class to wealthy involves leaving some of the values (and maybe some of the people) of your prior level behind. This is a real issue when trying to understand why the parents of some children don’t seem to be enthusiastic about supporting their academic success. According to Payne’s theory (which, by the way, is disputed by others- this is not gospel) they may feel that a higher level of education will lead to those children LEAVING. And they don’t want this loss.</p>
<p>A similar dynamic may be taking place in the family of the OP. If no one has ever gone to an Ivy, they may be feeling threatened by the loss of a family member.</p>
<p>This is a vastly overly simplified summary, but I can see that happening in some families. The “getting uppity” remarks could be translated as “no longer fitting in with or being satisfied by your family.” And that may be scary for grandma.</p>
<p>mammall,</p>
<p>Our experience was identical to yours when our D was admitted to Harvard. Our kids are younger than their cousins, and we had supported their families when they were going through the trials and tribulations of applications and acceptances. So it was quite hurtful to us when their reactions to the news of our daughter’s acceptance were negative or subdued. I am certain it is due to jealousy and insecurity/regret that perhaps their children might have reached higher, although their kids all attend/ed outstanding universities. It does make it difficult when you want to share your excitement with your own family but feel it is not welcomed. My H and I talked about it and decided we would just randomly crow and marvel about it to each other in private, which we do and usually end up laughing our heads off over it. Congrats to you and your D, you deserve it!</p>
<p>
Well, that is not entirely true. We do take a bit of getting used to.</p>
<p>They might be reacting based upon where your D’s first cousins attend college.
Some families like to imagine a kind of equity across the cousin generation. </p>
<p>When your family gathers again, be sure you and your D ask ample questions to and about your nieces and nephews, all of their activities, endeavors, friends and so on. Show ongoing interest in the entire generation of cousins.</p>
<p>I’m sorry they didn’t show enthusiasm to echo yours. She deserved a big cheer. Over time, however, I’m sure you can show your pleasure in every form of accomplishment
within a large family. They’re looking to you for demonstration that nobody’s changed here.</p>
<p>Crabs in a bucket. They all want to get out but when one shows the initiative, the others pulls it back down. Then they jostle a bit and eventually all fold their legs quietly.</p>
<p>^^^^ What an apt metaphor.</p>
<p>I’m sorry your extended family is not being supportive. They should be! There are many possible psychological explanations that other people have covered. Hopefully, you+husband and any other direct family are making up for the lack of encouragement, enthusiasm, and praise from the relatives by being more supportive and effusive yourself. Besides, if your HS has a grapevine anything like mine, your D will have been congratulated hundreds of times over by friends and even total strangers in the hallway.</p>
<p>Feeling much better now - thanks wise and wonderful CC parents.</p>
<p>Maybe this falls into the same category as when kids are all trying out for something (let’s use the example… cheerleader), and some make it, some don’t, some get onto the elite squad, some barely make the JV squad, some end up in the pep club. If you were the mom of the girl who makes everything, you would probably be a little more careful talking to the mom of the girl who makes nothing. It might be one of those ‘touchy’ subjects, even though you’re ecstatic and have a right to be so. Just one of those sensitive Emily Post things. Life’s not fair- some people don’t get what they want, and others do- but then have to watch out what they say.</p>
<p>We had a similar situation in our family in that our kids got into their first choice U easily, and their cousin did not. It was a heartbreaking situation for their cousin. Conversations around this subject was/is something we just avoid. Not that we don’t talk about what the kids are studying, etc.; we just make sure not to talk much about how much they love it, how happy they are, how glad they got in, how lucky they are. I know that thread of conversation would be painful for my niece, and I don’t want that.</p>
<p>A generation ago my aunt and her family climbed to the highest socioeconomic level by virtue of attending Ivy League schools and thereby obtaining high-level occupations and living in one of the wealthiest communities in the country. To be honest, it did cause a permanent change in the family dynamic, as they held themselves apart, moved in different circles, had different interests. They were almost like the relatives we really didn’t have except on a superficial level. Ironically their grandchildren are now not gaining Ivy admission and are feeling disappointment because they’d been raised to expect it. </p>
<p>So, yes, relatives may fear being left behind. Be patient with them while you celebrate your child’s success.</p>
<p>Mammall, is this totally out of character for your family? Or just more of the same?</p>
<p>What an interesting discussion this is. I am so glad you brought it up. I have had similar reactions from friends and family members–my son just go accepted at an Ivy and is the first in the family to do so. Already, some family members are saying it is too expensive, too much sacrifice, etc. Others are very happy and supportive. People can be so strange–you’d think they’d all be proud!</p>
<p>On another interesting note, my son has decided not to tell anyone at his school and refuses to put a bumper sticker on his car, etc. He’s already gotten some negative reactions from classmates–pretty sad!!!</p>
<p>
But this is anecdotal and isn’t a cause and effect of attending the Ivy. The same wealth attainment could happen if the kid attended any of many other schools and the same thing might ‘not’ happen if they attend an Ivy (not all Ivy grads end up wealthy). For those who do attain wealth not all of them hold themselves apart.</p>
<p>My dad was a professor at a small state university in the midwest. This university is not well-known outside the state and its biggest draw is in-state-tuition. As one born and raised in the university town I was ready at age 18 for something different. For me, that meant a Big 10 college hundreds of miles away. Fortuneately, my parents supported me. I learned later that many “friends” and “colleagues” of my parents criticized them for sending me to a school outside the state. They thought we were snobbish. My parents heard comments like “Isn’t the U of ___ good enough for you?” Mammall, I sympathize! I guess 30 years doesn’t change things. For some people, any decision or opportunity outside of the norm (whatever the"norm" is!) must be wrong. Ignore the response and move on (easier said than done…) Congrats to D and her parents!!</p>
<p>I love the “crabs in a bucket.” Brilliant!!</p>
<p>EDIT: misread, sorry.</p>
<p>Someone told me once that true friends are the ones that would celebrate with you when you have success, not necessary the ones that would stand by you when you are down.</p>
<p>^like if you win the lottery?</p>
<p>In that case, you would want to hide.</p>
<p>OP, congratulations. You should be very proud. I would be telling everyone and doing a little dance at every family gathering.</p>