No words of wisdom here, but I just wanted to let you know that I very much empathize with this. You are not alone.
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Bunch of replies came in overnight – thank you all so much.
You’re right about having time to get the college essay(s) done. This was for a summer program application that is due tomorrow.
I used to be an admissions consultant (albeit for MBA applicants). For all the reasons you and others mentioned, we hired one who came highly recommended fairly early in the process.
Unfortunately…it’s been a bust. I’m realizing that we have a couple of problems:
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The consultant has a fairly rigid sense of timeline (and has actually injected more stress into the process.) I had to email him this week and tell him that no, we’re not going to be pushing S25 to “finalize his list” and meet with him weekly right now because S25 is struggling to get through his academic and co-curricular responsibilities and I need him to land the plane (and see where he lands it) before we figure out where he’s flying next. But also I’m realizing that
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Because of S25’s aforementioned not-liking-to-talk-about-himself issues (and a tendency of consultant to pontificate), they were meant to start/work on the summer essay for two sessions and got nowhere. So I had to parachute in and help. I do not want to do this for his actual college applications. We’re paying consultant a lump sum, not an hourly rate, so before I jump ship I’m going to talk with him about how this process went (badly) and see what he thinks will be different in the summer.
Yes. This is my guy.
And also this. + not wanting to play the game to get teachers to notice and like him. He claims that trying to get a word in edgewise or wait in line to talk to a teacher after class feels too competitive. So he doesn’t.
We have an exchange student right now who is his polar opposite – more of a people-pleaser, eager for attention, etc. (He loves to go to church with me and have all the older ladies fawn over him.) Mine attempts to get by in school with the bare minimum of attention from adults. He plays by the rules (although the exec function stuff is a work in progress) but I learned at parent-teacher night this spring that they absolutely don’t know our kid. I think all of them think he’s a smart kid who is probably coming to life in someone else’s class.
I guess I can answer this in a couple of ways. He was writing about an experience as an exchange student last summer in France, and this was in fact what he plans to write about for college essays eventually. But right now he’s not passionate or obsessive about anything. As a kid, he cycled through obsessions (dinosaurs, raptors, Pokemon, US states and capitols, various books and fantasy worlds, etc.) and registered as precocious and eager to share his enthusiasms. Now? not so much. I think this is really an unfortunate byproduct of puberty/growing social awareness. Some kids like that recognize how different they are from other kids and stop wanting attention for it and try to conform. Others don’t (/can’t). Mine used to be openly quirky and got teased by cool kids and dumped by some friends when they started middle school and I think it catalyzed this desire to be “normal” and fly below the radar. I have faith that if we can get him through adolescence in one piece (yes, “we” – ) he’ll rediscover the unique bits of himself and be more comfortable letting those emerge among mixed company. But right now I’d describe him as smack dab in the middle of an awkward phase.
He was evaluated in 4th grade when teachers started complaining about his inability to stay on task/keep stuff organized/get homework turned in. ADHD + highly gifted. We recently had him re-evaluated (partially to discern if there was anything we missed). The report didn’t change much. The ADHD is milder; his social awareness is greater; he’s still super smart.
I’m banking on this. Apparently my husband was an awkward and reluctant writer at his age but he became quite competent over the course of college and grad school.
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Lots of good advice here. A couple more thoughts:
*reluctance to write the kind of personal essay college applications often call for is not the same as being a reluctant writer in general…and, frankly, isn’t really a problem at any kind of college. It’s a problem for applying to college. I know you say that he’s a slow/reluctant writer academically, too…but I do just want to say that it’s a different skillset. One of them he’ll need no matter where he goes to school or what he ultimately wants to do…the other not so much. It’s okay to not like to talk about yourself…unfortunately, you still have to do it to apply to many colleges.
*college application essays don’t have to be a confessional, emotional journey into the depths of one’s soul. It’s okay to be funny. It’s okay to write about something that seems insignificant on the surface. There does need to be some kind of connection to a bigger idea that you want to communicate about yourself, but you don’t have to get there by talking about someone’s cancer diagnosis or that time you discovered that poor people exist or whatever. One of my kid’s essays started with a self-deprecating hook about the time he lost an acting award to a little kid (serious takeaway: it’s worth it to push yourself out of your comfort zone–oh, and by the way, I know my ECs look a little light compared to the rest of my app; here’s some explanation and reassurance about that for you). My current senior wrote a composite type essay about his D&D characters over the years (serious takeaway: I’m a creative person; let me explain in a creative way how my identity as an artistic person has evolved and continues to evolve)
I would, in fact, steer most kids away from writing about travel experiences, though of course there are exceptions. I still remember a professor from grad school who’d worked in admissions saying that he could sum up most admissions essays as either, “I traveled the world and realized everyone is the same” or “I traveled the world and realized everyone is different.” This was a long time ago, but my guess is admissions people are still pretty tired of these kinds of essays. My perception after watching my kids apply to a LOT of small LACs is that standing out from the crowd in the essay (and on the application in general) is hugely important.
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I also want to vote in favor of this view.
In fact when you really think about what the very most selective colleges say they are actually looking for in unhooked applicants, at a high level they are looking for a very, very unusually mature kid. For sure I was not that sort of person at that age, and indeed only got materially close as a result OF my college experience, and likely just some normal age-related development. The essays they are looking for are part of that, but it is really threaded through the whole application.
And not to get off on a tangent, but I note this is a known factor in why more girls than boys seem to be prepared for and competitive for highly selective colleges by the time they are HS seniors. Not always on an individual level of course, but at a statistical level more of them have matured to something like that level by that point.
In that sense, I truly would not worry about a HS senior, not least a HS senior boy, not necessarily being at the total-package maturity-level these particular colleges seem to want. Because for sure, the mere fact they are not quite there yet does not mean they will never get there.
And again a whole lot of great colleges will be happy to take kids, again not least boys, who are A/A+ academically but maybe a solid A-/B+ sort of maturity state. Indeed, they literally can’t get enough of them . . . .
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Yes, those sound like much more engaging essay topics than our hackneyed “I was scared to do something and it worked out fine” exchange student spiel.
The challenge I’m confronting right now is that I could probably elicit (at least in conversation) something more creative/interesting from my son but he’s genuinely averse to the process of self-revelation – he thinks it’s icky. And I’m not sure an external essay coach who hasn’t observed his quirky random walk through life will get this out of him.
Case in point – last night at dinner I was reminding him of how his favorite food is fesenjun, he devoured a very dense book on Iran-US relations (https://www.amazon.com/America-Iran-History-1720-Present/dp/0307271811
in case folks are interested), and recently at a Nowruz celebration was finally figuring out how to do a Persian snap (basically a two-handed way of very loudly snapping your fingers). Although he has a Persian last name, he’s always seemed a little indifferent to his grandfather’s heritage…until recently. Maybe this is something to write about? (and yeah, the “I now relate to my immigrant grandfather/parent” topic has also been done ad nauseum. But I can’t stress how hard it must be to brainstorm writing topics with this kid when you don’t know him. He does interesting things and then just…forgets. Poof!)
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In terms of process, I think in cases like this ideally the kid tries out a bunch of different ideas in different drafts, then gives it a rest, and then comes back. They might have an entirely new idea, they might have one of the old ideas they have a new idea about, but hopefully they come back ready to do a new round. And ideally they have enough time to do several rounds before finalizing their favorite essay approach.
In terms of actual time in front of a keyboard, this really does not need to take too much time, particularly once you understand the trial drafts do not need to be remotely in submittable form.
But it requires getting a nice early start, and as noted I could never get my own S24 to really bite on this idea. Oh well. But I still think it would likely have worked well if he had been willing.
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This may be the bigger issue regarding admission to highly selective LACs.
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I’m going to push back on the idea that because your son finds writing difficult, he shouldn’t look at LACs. As far as I am concerned, LACs may well be the perfect place for someone who needs more practice at writing…because he will get that practice and small classes where his professors will have the time to work with him and help him improve his writing.
As for the essays, short essays are (imo) the hardest ones to write. You have limited space in which a lot is expected. There is famous quote (not looking it up right now) where a writer apologizes for writing such a long letter to a friend and says, “he didn’t have the time to write a shorter one”.
The next several months are part of a process. Your S25 will get through this. He may become a better writer through this process, or he may fight the writing piece tooth and nail and submit mediocre essays. He will still get accepted to schools, even with [potentially] less than inspiring essays.
All my kids had some terrible drafts in their application process. And some hilarious misreads of prompts (caught and corrected well before submission time).
Your kid sounds great. During this process, remember that the schools who recognize how awesome your kid is through acceptances are the ones who see him as you do and see him as a successful match for their campuses. Love the kid on your couch and embrace him through this process. He is the one going off to college, let the applications and his responses within help those colleges see whether he is a match for them.
Some topics my kids wrote about in their essays (just to give more ideas/dispel the idea the essays have to be about a big topic):
An essay about wanting to meet their favorite romance writer for coffee.
An essay about quitting a prestigious EC and getting a job in retail during the Christmas season.
An essay about after school babysitting.
An essay about summer sleep away camp.
As essay about power lifting.
None of the topics were particularly ‘important’ and they didn’t feel weighty for the most part, but they allowed each child to share something about themselves. One of my kids is really funny, their essays showed that. One of my kids is natural networker, their essays showed that. One of my kids is driven and goal oriented, their essays showed that.
Good luck with this process, it can be overwhelming at times but we’ve all been there and know it does work out.
P.S. The Persian snap idea sounds like it could be a great essay, and could go into so many different possible areas of who your son is (always learning, curious, tactile, self motivated, etc, etc etc)
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Your kid and @MAmomto4 kid sound nearly identical to mine with respect to essay writing. Mine had a great admissions/merit aid outcome, so I think his essays were fine at least, and quite helpful for his apps at best. I’m making a long and detailed post just in case it might be helpful.
The common app essay was the big hurdle. The smaller ones weren’t bad. Supplementals could often be repurposed and he was in the swing of things so found those much easier.
The key to success was taking time with the process and keeping it chill. We had him start early knowing the introspection would be a struggle. The brainstorming phase was the most difficult.
In our son’s case, once he knew what he was going to write about, and figured out the general approach, the writing itself was a total cinch.
He’s a good writer but struggled HARD to write about himself. He spent way more time thinking about what he might write about than he did actually writing. He appreciated help with understanding the purpose of the essays and with brainstorming topics. That was the crux. It was smart to start that process early since it took several weeks to percolate. The actual writing was quick and easy for him, and he asked us to read them for minor proofreading and he wanted to make sure he wasn’t way off base. I believe he started sometime in August and apps were all submitted by early Oct.
He is autistic, and struggles to “read between the lines”. He appreciates concrete processes and facts, so we had to be explicit about the purpose of the essays. It was hard for him to wrap his head around the concept of trying to tell the AOs something about his desirable qualities, that isn’t obvious from the rest of his app materials, without bragging, in a way that strikes the correct tone, and is ideally not completely boring.
We kept it chill by saying that the essay just needed to be “fine” and hopefully not hurt his app. If it helps the app, great.
Here’s some specifics about what he did.
He read this form and filled it out (from common app website): https://www.commonapp.org/static/054154bf6444d4d44043991cc6f73986/FY_Essays_CAReady_2021.07%20(1)_0.pdf
He also read this (to figure out his traits/values):
And this (how to write “why us” statements, and good advice in general):
He wrote down his hobbies and interests (has some weird ones), any unique things about his upbringing (grew up in an unusual environment), stories from his past that stood out to him (mishaps, adventures), challenges he’d had (health problems/surgeries), some things he just loves (chicken sandwiches), qualities about himself that aren’t obvious from his app (super curious, digs in deep to esoteric projects), his core values (honesty, kindness, etc).
He has a great understanding of his weaknesses but a poor understanding of his strengths (beyond academics). He didn’t understand what some of his unique qualities are and why those might be admired: he never lies, he’s incredibly curious, he’s so kind and accepting of others, he’s not afraid to stand up for what he believes is right, etc. He felt weird about the whole thing and needed us to reassure him about the social/emotional part of it.
So he put all these seemingly disconnected things on paper, and then brainstormed ways he could tie different combinations into a cohesive narrative. One particular narrative combo stood out to him. He decided to write it up and it came together nicely. He also had an alternate in case the first one didn’t gel right.
He went back and forth adding a couple small additional elements after his first draft. I think he decided one element that he tried fit well and another didn’t so he cut one out.
He ended up writing about a funny mishap he had while working on one of his solitary engineering-related hobbies. He wrote about his approach to solving the problem and how he felt during the process. He also talked about another unrelated hobby he has. The main theme was his curiosity and investment in obscure and “useless” hobbies and details that literally no one else in his life cares about. He poked fun at himself for that, but talked about how getting buried in an obscure process actually could be useful. Like if you’re working as an engineer. He also tied it into some other things including being part of a college community (don’t recall exactly how).
I thought his common app essay was quite good. All his friends laughed out loud when he showed it to them. He only had ~10 short supplemental essays, and they were all fine.
If his personality had been different, it might not have worked to get help from us. But he really benefitted by getting help with 1) understanding the assignment, 2) understanding himself, and 3) understanding how one might meld those 2 things together.
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Very good point about the developing brain! My middle kid wasn’t a very good writer at 17, and boy, it was tough getting him to do his assignments. After his two and a half gap years, he ended up majoring in English (I can’t even remember why he picked that major). At 29, he is writing many, many articles for worldatlas dot com and overseeing several writers and editors! If you had told me 12 years ago that he would be doing this, I would have laughed at you!
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Perhaps he can do some of the many free essay brainstorming exercises on college essay guy .com? (also on their youtube channel) They are geared towards getting students to remember things, little things that are often the subject of the best essays.
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Fwiw, I have a junior who looks very strong on paper, academics-wise, and is a genuinely interesting person, and he too is put off by what he perceives to be the absurdity and even cynicism of asking 17 yo kids to package themselves into 650 word “narratives” that are supposed to reveal their personalities. And he’s right to feel that way. At times I’ve thought this was a psychological barrier that will be hard to overcome, though I’ve wondered if there isn’t a way to take the “game”-like premise of this – it’s not about self-articulation, it’s about performing an identity for someone giving your essay 30 sec consideration – and have fun with it. A hard ask for a teenager. I have tried to stress that having fun with these types of essays is fundamental, and that having fun with them – don’t take yourself, the essay, or the school too “seriously” – is the surest way to perform well. In any case, we should all agree that the personal essay component of the application, particularly the role it plays in selective college admissions, is silly and even a bit sinister, and when our kids show resistance they are not wrong for doing so, even if we stress to them that this is just one of many stupid games they’ll be asked to play from this point forward.
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High school English teacher here; I work with students on college essays, and I think this is great advice. You might find it helpful to reframe this stage as the idea-generating/testing stage rather than the getting-a-rough-draft done stage; encourage him to brainstorm out loud about several different topics & take notes on all of them. Repeat off & on throughout the summer. For many students, finding a topic that is authentic & effective is much harder than actually writing the 650 words. He might find it helpful to read several ‘good’ college essays–Connecticut College & Johns Hopkins publish examples of strong essays every year, & reading through some of these is a good use of time for a kid feeling stuck for ideas.
I understand the desire to get the common app essay done over the summer (I have a '25 kid & am feeling that myself right now). But if your kid doesn’t finish essay by the end of the summer, he isn’t necessarily behind. The summer before senior year is a time of growth & reflection for a lot of kids; many, many of my students who ‘finish’ their college essay in spring of their junior year, or even early summer, look back at that essay in the fall & feel like it no longer fits them. If he isn’t ready to write yet, he can also use the summer to tackle some of the more concrete items on his to-do list (filling out the activities & awards section on the common app, researching schools & preparing for interviews, maybe even completing a few interviews on Zoom) to free up more time for essay writing in the fall.
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I feel bad but also laughing here. I didn’t read the thread but just so boy typical. Years ago like 9 we were at an open house at Emory University. The AO said. “Boys have a hard time bragging about themselves and that needs to stop today. Just ask any girl how pretty they are and they will write you 4 paragraphs” 
This is a direct quote. Lol. She told all the boys they need to change their way of being thinking if they want any chance letting the AO know something about them that isn’t canned. In other words open up. Make a Bragg sheet to begin with. What’s on there worthy of a deeper dive. But I sympathize. It can be rather painful going through this process. Once we help to identify for our son a few topics then it became so much easier.
Good luck.
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I could probably hunt down some venting posts on here about D24 and her essay writing for college applications last fall.
Her writing style was so rigid on her first common app essay draft I was worried they were going to think it was AI or something. So my goal was simply to get her to write something that sounded like her.
She read examples of common app essay types and they just were not resonating at ALL. She’s a middle class American white kid from the suburbs, doing normal high school things. She was 100% opposed to any tugging on heartstrings, deep reveals, trauma dumping.
I did all sorts of interviewing techniques to see if something would come up that she could use. Asking about particular childhood experiences, what her motivating factors are, why she feels X way about Y. She must have painfully, excruciatingly, written 3 or 4 different common app essays before the first spark of something that would work was revealed.
It ended up being a wild ride from childhood to senior year, involving a lighthearted look somehow tying everything from bugs to outer space together with her activities. She even wrote a haiku. Was it weird? Yes. Funny, yes. Did it actually convey something about her as a person and sound like her? Yes and yes. Emotionally vulnerable? Not really.
In the end, I told her that if that essay alone was the reason she did not get in someplace, it probably wasn’t a good place for her anyway. Her intended major is STEM-y and she can write in a descriptive/evaluative/technical way just fine.
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An AO said THIS? How demeaning for the girls in the room.
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Yes! That part is so hard for so many kids…it was so frustrating trying to break my kids out of this weird, stilted “this is my college application essay” voice. Honestly a lot of their supplementals still ended up sounding very stiff, but they all ended up with authentic-sounding common app essays, and I had to be satisfied with that.
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Maybe I didn’t say it correctly. It was several years ago but the point was most girls seem not to have a problem talking about themselves but boys stereotypically do. Didn’t mean to offend anyone.
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It’s just a sore spot for a lot of us who weren’t pretty and knew it. I was at a women’s retreat this weekend and we discussed what low self-esteem most girls and women have. Most of us don’t measure up to what we see on TV and in the movies, at least when it comes to physical beauty.
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You didn’t offend anyone, but I do have some sharp words for that AO about what we should value in terms of girls’ accomplishments.
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