<p>mommaj, love the letter. I will certainly be passing that along, along with many of the other suggestions posted here. </p>
<p>I can’t tell you how great it is to feel overwhelmed about something, be able to post it here and to have so many people share their views and suggestions in such a positive and supportive way.</p>
<p>And, momsquad, as far as I understand, the girl has some unhealthy behaviors (excessive drinking, hooking up, etc.) and has few friends. Not sure what, if anything, the precipitating event was to her attempt (definitely not something like a break up with a fiance) but she reached out by texting many people including her mother, her roommates, etc. It is thought that this was a cry for help and attention (just a guess–no one can know for certain) and the mother wants to now act like it never really happened and wants everything to back to the way it was.</p>
<p>Have to agree with MommaJ. If the girls don’t draw the boundaries now, I fear there may be more edicts from the mom and headaches for the girls down the road. I’d have them deal with issue immediately…</p>
<p>It is a perfectly natural reaction for the mother to do this. It is actually a perfectly natural reaction for a mother to do just about anything in the face of a daughter’s attempted suicide. There is no rational reaction to this.</p>
<p>But, I can’t imagine any professional would advise this girl be put back into this situation unsupported. I imagine the docs told the mother what the girl needed, assuming she would be the one to provide it. And she brought that set of instructions home and gave them to the roommmates.</p>
<p>Of course, this in no way makes the roommates responsible or even, frankly, capable of handling this situation. It’s hardly as if this young woman is now stable.</p>
<p>Good luck to your daughter and her friends. They are right to understand they cannot handle this, even if they don’t fully grasp that this is what it is they are feeling.</p>
<p>I am with those who say this situation is way beyond the paygrade of the other three roommates and the mother is WAY OUT OF LINE to suggest they be responsible for her daughter’s safety. </p>
<p>Especially considering a situation this serious is one for medically trained professionals, suicidal daughter, and her parents, not roommates or even friends who aren’t trained, experienced, or IMO should be expected to be responsible in such severe situations. </p>
<p>Worse, the mother of the suicidal daughter has already exhibited a sign she’s happy to offload what is essentially her responsibility to the roommates…especially considering she signed her suicidal daughter out of the hospital. </p>
<p>Roommates need to draw up boundaries ASAP and get assistance from the campus mental health services, dean, and their own parents to at the very least…get the overly bearing mother to understand that it’s not a responsibility they can or more importantly, should feel obligated to assume.</p>
<p>Love Momma J’s letter. To put this in perspective…my niece lives in an off campus apartment with three friends. Last semester one of them was very depressed and told his parents he felt suicidal. The parents drove all night to come and get him. Took him home where they could get him treatment and monitor him. This is the appropriate parental reaction to this type of situation.</p>
<p>I agree with all of the great advice here. Clear boundaries need to be set. I don’t believe the girls can keep her safe, even if they were to do everything the mother suggested. She needs professional health. A suicide attempt is a VERY BIG DEAL! This is outside the scope of three young roommates.</p>
<p>She needs a “safety plan” and the roommates need professional guidance if she is to stay in the apartment. I believe the roommates can be supportive, BUT they cannot be responsible. There is a very big difference.</p>
<p>I also love Momma J’s letter. I think this an area where you should feel comfortable intervening and contacting the school and the parent.</p>
<p>Her housemate’s formal responsibility ended when she reached hospital IMHO - after that point, she becomes the responsibility of the hospital (and her mother, given that her mother pulled her out of hospital). Of course, they have a moral responsibility to keep in touch with her and ensure that she is not socially isolated, but they can’t be expected to provide some sort of pop-up psychiatric hospital in their own house. </p>
<p>I’d suggest getting in touch with whatever pastoral services the college has. They must have a duty of care towards all four students, and they need to be informed of what is going on for the ill girl’s sake too. They may also be able to provide some practical support. </p>
<p>FWIW a very close friend and housemate of my own has had his own mental health issues. Never attempted suicide, but he needed help to take that first trip to the doctors, and a lot of emotional support too. But if he did ever attempt to physically harm himself, then that would be way beyond what I could cope with.</p>
<p>They’re young and it’s their senior year, they should not be forced to have that much responsibility for one person. She should take some time from school and get some help, because thats really serious. A roommates responsibility should be for things like making sure they get home alright and making sure they’re safe. </p>
<p>My sister had a friend who has a few emotional issues and would always try and go out and be friends with her roommate, but the girl was a little crazy and she’s very difficult to hang out with. She had this meltdown because she thought she was all alone and had no friends at the school so she left during thanksgiving break and didn’t come back. She’s now getting help and getting her life together and is going back to school this fall. </p>
<p>I really think this girl just needs to go home with her family and get help from a specialist. This is too much for the roommates. Things could get really awkward and stressful and may even make things worse.</p>
<p>Was going to suggest putting something in writing to this mom. She is living in fantasy land for sure.</p>
<p>The sample letter is well written, but one suggestion-- the roommates do not have to cancel their spring break. They can make it clear that the plan to go on their senir spring break, but that if the other roommate chooses to go, which the other roommates should suggest is probably not wise given her difficulties at the moment, that the girl is going to attend at her own peril, and that the roommates or others will not accept responsibity to be her attendant or chaperone. The roommies should write/suggest that if mom wants the roommate (her dau) to go, mom can chaperone her own kid. Sheesh.</p>
<p>Compassion, yes, but these demands by the mom are completely out of line.</p>
<p>I certainly don’t think the roomies ought to tell mom the girl can’t go with them on the trip unless and until they tell the girl herself that. I don’t think they should do that because she is fragile and that could push her over the line. Indeed, I don’t think they should express an opinion as to whether the girl should go in the letter to mom; they should just say she’s welcome to come but if she does, they won’t be monitoring her behavior.</p>
<p>I think they should be sure to tell the mom that there will be drinking (I assume there probably will be) on the spring trip, AND they will not be responsible for monitoring her daughter.</p>
<p>To not, on some level, discourage this girl from coming with them for a week of partying is asking for serious trouble.</p>
<p>They should leave no room for misunderstanding. Completely agree with Jym.</p>
<p>Any update, collage? I hope that mom got a good talking to. She needs to get her head screwed on straight. Pulling her kid out of treatment prematurely and not wanting her to miss her senior spring break trip could end very badly. She wants her kid alive. She can look back and hopefully realize that her kids safety and well being is more important than senior spring break trips. And the roommies can be caring, but should have NO responsibility to parent their roommate. The mom needs to get a CLUE.</p>
<p>Put a call in to the university and turns out that they already knew. Meeting set for tomorrow with staff (I’m assuming from the counseling office), the roommates, mom and the girls. Will see how it goes. Apparently someone from the school has met with the mom to set more realistic expectations. Hoping for the best for everyone involved tomorrow.</p>
<p>I’ve been reading this with disbelief that a mother would react that way to her daughter’s suicide attempt. I believe the university will have to insist that the girl take a medical leave from school. Just seems like a huge liability for the university. Good luck tomorrow.</p>
<p>Certainly what I’d like to see, AlohaTM, but I didn’t get the sense from my phone call today that that was a certainty by any stretch. But, I agree: what university wants that to occur on it’s watch? (I don’t mean to be insensitive–I really do believe this girl needs professional help and, truly, wish her good health.)</p>
<p>Good luck to everyone tomorrow. I hope the mother wakes up to reality and starts caring for her daughter more appropriately, and that this young woman gets the help she needs. I’m glad the school is being proactive.</p>
<p>Stepping back a little, this is a good opportunity for the roommates to start learning the limits of responsibility for other people, and how to set appropriate boundaries. An intense way to learn, yes, but there may be some very helpful life lessons here.</p>
<p>I would be surprised if the university doesn’t ask her to take a medical leave. I have two friends whose daughters at separate times suffered breakdowns. Both attended Ivy schools and both were asked to take medical leaves. And they didn’t even get to the point of suicide. To the credit of one of the schools, the dean was extremely kind in explaining that the student’s health and well-being was more important… that when they commit to a student, they stick by their commitment… so that when the student was ready to return…her spot would still be there.</p>
<p>On the contrary, I don’t think she has enough. If she were a lawyer (or, for that matter, anyone with common sense), she would know that she can’t shuffle legal responsibility off on three other college students.</p>
<p>I am confused??? Who leaves his child at school that just tried to commit suicide? That in and of itself begs to question the mothers mental health!</p>
Who at the college did you call? Who is coordinating this meeting and wht is the goal? Its surprising that the school would get involved in discussing the boundaries of the mothers expectations of the roommates and their rights or responsibilities. Issues regarding the fragile roommate, the school’s policy or expectations, etc would be, IMO, private and would not include the roommates in this discussion.</p>