<p>How do you advise your young adult children when they have leadership positions that place them in the difficult situation of disciplining friends when they commit rule violations (serious ones)? When the leadership position can be in jeopardy if they don’t stay committed to ethics of the position? It is really easy as a parent to say, “just do your job” but we are big enough to realize that it will potentially harm those bonds of friendship if the discipline occurs. But loss of the position if it doesn’t.</p>
<p>Would love some feedback. Thanks…CS</p>
<p>What I told D1 last fall: “A true friend will not make you choose between friendship and what is right”. </p>
<p>She was in a similar position and the ‘friend’ turned on her for doing what was ethical and bad mouthed her. Needless to say they are no longer friends, however, she strengthened ties with other people in the organization who are now her closest friends and will likely remain so after graduation.</p>
<p>I told my kid that she should be prepared for this…and that her job would have to take precedence over the friendship. As it happened…she didn’t get the job, but she understood that she would have been responsible for enforcing the rules first and foremost.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, this situation is part of growing up. I suppose it might depend on how big an infraction it is, and how prevalent rule violations are in general. They shouldn’t treat friends better or worse than others. Can they approach their friend(s) in private and explain their behavior is putting them in an awkward position, and warn the friend(s) they will be forced to address any future infractions? If they give their friends a warning, they should give anyone else the same warning. Another tactic: ask their friends if the tables were turned, how would they handle it? Perhaps they could ask their friends what disciplinary recourse is appropriate under the circumstances?</p>
<p>If they are going to accept the leadership position, then they need to follow up on the responsibilities. If they feel the rules are not inherently fair or enforceable, then they need to address this. If they are not able to carry out the responsibilities, then they need to step down from the leadership position.</p>
<p>We’ve been there. My kid took the high road and held her friend accountable. Fortunately the consequences were only emotionally painful and somewhat embarrassing, but didn’t have any real long term impact. The friendship was on the rocks anyway because of the poor behavior - so really, not much changed there.</p>
<p>I often choose to pass on the glory of the official leadership position because I feel I can best use my strengths, get a higher level of enjoyment, pick and choose where I want to be involved, and “lead” in a more gentle, indirect manner without the title. What do you really want to be doing and which responsibilities do you want to have are a couple of the questions to take into consideration before accepting the position.</p>
<p>A lot, to me, depends on whether the “rules” are actually meaningful, or just dumb and punitive for no good reason. If the latter, I’d work on changing them. Enforcement must always be evenhanded, though.</p>