when our children are adults

Parent Cafe
1

<p>On another thread- there are those who feel strongly that they should have say in whether or not their adult children get a tattoo & I assume that extends to other choices which have more impact on their life.</p>

<p>While I feel that the way we have raised our children, will lead them to make good choices for the most part & when they are adults we need to step back and have confidence in the person they have become and have confidence in that we have taught them the skills they need- I am also struggling, with how to interfere, when you don’t feel things are going well. When they possibly may be having mental/psychological issues, but still at a stage of denial.</p>

<p>How do we acknowledge that on the one hand, as adults twice their age, we may have a different idea of what they need to be doing now than what they want or what is appropriate, but on the other hand, what if they can’t recognize that they really need help?</p>

2

<p>I’m getting a tattoo once I turn 18. ;)</p>

<p>I already make better decisions than my parents. I’m not worried. They’re not worried.</p>

<p>The best you can do is try to make them aware of the consequences of their actions. The rest is up to them.</p>

3

<p>Ek,
tattoos aside, I hear you. I am having similar issues with an adult sibling. I keep pointing her back toward professional help. Sometimes that gets her angry and then she won’t take my calls for a few days.
I’ve been dealing with this for years and can only tell you how I do it. </p>

<ol>
<li><p>Repeat to myself that she is an adult and I can’t force her. </p></li>
<li><p>Tell her the truth even if she doesn’t want to hear it EVERY time I talk to her. </p></li>
<li><p>Take it one day at a time. </p></li>
<li><p>Repeat and breathe (a lot). </p></li>
</ol>

<p>I’m tearing up just typing this. Not sure that my post helps but it has been my way of dealing for a while now.</p>

4

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<p>Heh. Come back and read this again in 20 years.</p>

5

<p>I don’t expect my grown children (ages 22 and 18) to follow my advice. I do expect them to listen to my viewpiont. That’s just common courtesy. I listen to their viewpoints, too. Sometimes, they have better ideas than I do. They are more attuned to current events than I am, and they’re WAY more comfortable with technology. On the other hand, just by being older, I can draw upon a wider variety of experiences. I think that our different areas of knowledge complement each other.</p>

<p>With respect to the tattoo, if one of my kids brought up the subject, I would probably advise him or her not to get it on a part of the body that is visible in business clothing (including the types of garments worn in business casual offices in warm weather, which often have short sleeves and open collars, for people of both genders, and which often include knee-length skirts for women). Some employers object to visible tattoos. It would be a shame for a person to miss out on a job that he or she would have liked because of a visible tattoo or for that person to have to restrict his or her clothing choices in order to conceal a tattoo.</p>

6

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<p>I’m not your typical kid that wants to grow up and marry a woman (which would be kinda hard considering I’m gay), have kids (again, a bit hard), and live in a suburb in a big house with a white picket fence and create nonsensible American family morals and traditions. No no no.</p>

<p>I’m going to get a tattoo that has artistic merit and is meaningful to me. I don’t regret many things. I’ve thought about this for a long time, and I have no reason to regret getting a tattoo. Many of them are beautiful.</p>

<p>My dad is an alcoholic who has terrible judgment and my mom lets her emotions get in the way of everything. I’m much more capable of making decisions than them, and they admit to this. I don’t want to be like either of them, and they even say they don’t want me to be like them. lawl</p>

7

<p>If I’ve got an opinion my kids will hear it, but the one who is over 18 is for better or worse an adult. The only leverage I have is to refuse to pay for college. There might be situations where I could feel forced to use it, but certainly not for a tattoo!</p>

8

<p>Let’s do this…if you want to post about tattoos go to that thread. EK posted a heartfelt concern about an adult child…anyone want to weigh in on that?</p>

9

<p>“I am also struggling, with how to interfere, when you don’t feel things are going well. When they possibly may be having mental/psychological issues, but still at a stage of denial.”</p>

<p>If something life threatening is going on – which could be in the situation that you describe – that’s the time, I believe to interfere because the adult child could be incapable of addressing that situation.</p>

<p>That’s different than interfering because an adult child is doing something that one simply disagrees with.</p>

10

<p>

That is Advanced Parenting, and it’s a very tough class. I know how it feels to worry and wonder about adult children - who don’t want advice or, indeed, any indication that I think improvements could be made about any aspect of their lives. It’s a tricky situation - you want to keep the channels of communication open, so you can’t come across as being critical, but if it’s important enough to bring up, you want to make sure he/she knows that you are concerned.</p>

<p>I think it helps to separate out whether it’s an objective or subjective concern. Are they health or safety worries (drugs, smoking, carelessness in bad neighborhoods)? I think these are more understandable to bring up, and the adult child is more likely to listen, even if the response is just “Mom, you worry too much.” If a mother is worried that her 30-something daughter is running out of time in which to have children - well, maybe that’s a legitimate concern, but few adult daughters would want to hear it, and what good could it do?</p>

<p>Money and romantic partners are probably guaranteed to ruffle the young adult’s feathers. Or have in my experience, anyway. But I guess parenting never stops being a tough slog, and when we’re really worried, we just have to speak up.</p>

11

<p>northstarmom, even when you feel something may be life threatening, the options for interfering with an adult are limited.</p>

12

<p>Yes, they are limited, but one can try as best one can. A friend of mine had her grown daughter, who lived out of town, involuntarily hospitalized because the daughter had appeared to be suicidal. It ended up that not only was the daughter suicidal, but the D’s behavior was caused by a benign brain tumor. If the mother hadn’t interfered, the D may have committed suicide or may not have had the tumor discovered in time to be removed without causing severe damage to her brain.</p>

13

<p>Yes, I think if someone is suicidal you can intervene, but in most cases you simply can’t. I was part of an intervention to try to get my father to stop drinking, but it really had no effect. He was invested in it at all. The problem basically got solved by the fact that he lost most of his short term memory and we just oied about how much liquor was in the house and didn’t take him places where he would be a problem. </p>

<p>Similarly we ended up hiding the car from my in-laws. My m-i-l had lost her license and my f-i-l who didn’t like driving refused to stop her from driving. What we did was not strictly speaking legal, but I think it was ethical. </p>

<p>I guess what it comes down to, is whether the person is a danger to themselves or others.</p>

14

<p>I try to interfere only if I would have if they hadn’t been my child. For example, if I seem them doing something I disagree with, I try and respond as if they were maybe my sister, or a dear friend. Would I tell my best friend that I don’t like her choice of boyfriend? Would I tell my sister she should lose weight? Would I tell my cousin that she can’t have that third beer? No.</p>

<p>If they ask my opinion they will get it. Same as those other people close to me would have. But unsolicited, I would hope I respect their choices. I think that shows that I value the job I did raising them. My adult children don’t have a curfew, I don’t give them an allowance and I don’t interfere in their lives.</p>

<p>Now, if it were life threatening, I again, would try and treat them the same as I would a close relative or even my husband.</p>

15

<p>College age is tough for setting family rules & limits, you know as a parent that while it is your kids life, but if they make a big mistake your life, too, may be changed. Many parents are taking loans or sacrificing their lifestyle, even their retirement, for the kids education, those parents expect the kids to keep to the same rules as HS because the kids are not truly independent yet, despite their adult age</p>

16

<p>mathmom, I think you bring up a really good point, you are in the same tough spot with adult children and elderly parents. They are adults with the rights to live their life and make their choices, but we all know if they “screw up” it will be dumped on you to rescue them:</p>

<p>If your kid gets arrested; gets into drugs; becomes addicted to D/A; drops out of school; gets into an accident; has a health crisis; etc, you may very well be picking up the pieces and you probably want to do that to help them back on the “normal” track.</p>

<p>If your mom refuses help, loses too much weight, does not take her Rx properly, breaks her hip, etc; one of her adult children will likely have to be there to help pick up those pieces, too.</p>

<p>It is very awkward to force a decision onto some one who is not ready to hear it, yet it is horrid to wait for the crisis to force them to accept your “rules”</p>

<p>I do not know what the answer is, EK, but I know you have to keep trying everything you can to get through to a kid you fear is heading for trouble.</p>

17

<p>This topic hurts, because I hope I keep the same consideration for my mom as I do now D: A lot can change in two years… </p>

<p>Try to make sure that they have good enough judgment to have good, caring friends or a relationship that would take care of them. My boyfriend has sworn to take care of me through when anything happens, and I’m sure good friends would do the same. They could probably figure out signs also, and you could also discuss concerns with them, fostering a sense of trust.</p>

<p>However, my mom told me something important. No matter what, she still knew the most about me always. I found that very convincing, so if you definitely know something wrong is with your child and that you have a very good, not paranoid reason to, they should come around. </p>

<p>This second part is just parenting in general:</p>

<p>It’s very hard to be able to control what your kid can or cannot do, because some people learn the incredibly hard way, where they do mess up and can’t get themselves out of it. As an unfortunate side effect, it also can make the parents look bad if their kid does something incredibly dumb. </p>

<p>The only way I think can work is to start treating them like respectable adults and letting them make their own decisions - you have already done your jobs as parents for nearly 18 years, and have probably given the same useful advice time and time again. If your children are to the point that they know what to do right or wrong morally and can adjust, then you have done your job very well. Stressing out about this anymore than you need to just signals more stress for your S/D also. If they are so close to the age of freedom, the least you can do is stand back and treat them like who they are going to be. You just have to be able to show them that you’ll still be there when they fall momentarily, and only then. You cannot be a “Get Out of Free” ticket for everything.</p>

<p>I try really hard to maintain a good relationship with my mom, because she has given me the freedom of having relaxed parenting, so I try to work really hard in school, not make stupid decisions, and be open to discussion with her about anything. She has treated me like an adult ever since I was 9, and I try hard to not be influenced by others with bad decisions because of that. It’s only my fault if something bad happens, not because of other people.</p>

18

<p>Well I went to visit my D this past weekend- I don’t talk to her much- neither one of us is good on the phone and she often doesn’t respond to all the email.</p>

<p>I think part of my problem is that when I was her age, I was married, buying a house with a 2 year old. So in retrospect, I might have thought I was mature- but I actually had jumped into that life, without a chance to think about what was right for me.</p>

<p>We ( our family) all struggle with ADD/anxiety/depression & the fact that she hasn’t been working full time- only recently got any sort of health ins & also has been living with friends who are still at the going to school stage, ( they all have degrees from Reed- but are attending school to apply to tech programs).</p>

<p>I think I had been projecting a lot from my mothers generation, of what she " should be" doing at this point & that was what was worrying me.</p>

<p>I went to visit, to see their new house ( newer and bigger than ours), and to fix their yard. ( well after looking at it- I did some triage)
I ended up staying an extra day, so I could talk to her a little more- to get a sense of how things were going. It was difficult, because she always had friends stopping by.</p>

<p>While she isn’t working full time-currently, she is doing what she wants to do . Because she was employed through a child care non profit that has sites in different schools around the city- I had just been thinking " I sent her to a $40,000 LAC so she could work in * childcare*?". Which really did her a disservice. Not to demean child care at all- but it is so low paying that often times you don’t even need a high school diploma- let alone have to write a thesis :wink:
She has been employed since she was in high school and has been very independent. She has been the lead teacher-during the school year ( despite no formal background) and is now running science programs through the child care facilities that kids sign up for, so she moves to different locations. She also develops her own curriculum and is very excited about the progress she sees the kids making.</p>

<p>This has been what she wants to do for a while, she likes kids- but doesn’t want a whole classroom & she really only wants to teach science. ( but we did talk about how subjects overlap) She has been talking a lot with friends ( who are teaching in schools or in masters programs) and is working her way into getting experience toward teaching adults how to teach kids science.
( which I know is really needed- at least around here- education degrees, don’t leave much room for many math or science courses)</p>

<p>A serendiptous meeting Saturday night when I was in Portland, changed my thinking as well. I was just walking around when I saw that Duffy Bishop, a chanteuse who used to live in Seattle was performing. I stopped in to listen and was surprised by the small size of the venue & also that she passed a tip jar around after the performance. But she spoke about being a musician, & struggling despite constant work, just because of all the expenses associated with performing. ( no one pays for how many times you rehearse!)</p>

<p>She has been huge regionally, since as she says " Hector was a pup", and I decided that if she could do that , in her mid 50’s, that for my D to be doing what she really enjoys, in an area that she likes, with lots of friends, even if she wasn’t living the lockstep lifestyle I had been raised to believe you have to have- wasn’t really so bad.</p>

<p>I also think part of it is that- I have no kids this summer- my youngest is a counselor so gone all summer & at 26, my oldest is unlikely to ever move back home. She also is not the kind of kid that calls up for advice, she would probably Google it. ( and because she didn’t go through it in high school she is going through the " I am smarter than you" phase- it is subtle, but still there- I also think Reed had a hand in that).</p>

<p>Another thing- all I see are fat baby legs- lots of little kids- all adorable- all running up and giving their moms a hug- but vicarious is fun too. :)</p>