First of all, I’m sorry you are going through this. It causes tremendous emotional and stress in the family and to you. I’ve gone through this process with 6 kids and it’s not always gone smoothly. What you are experiencing happens a lot.
I can give you my take on the situation based on what you have written, my personal options and experiences, and some outright facts. However how any advice you get is not going to be tailored to your specific situation. There is likely do much more than you have written, In sure.
I want to address your feelings about the employees and the interactions there. I get that from a lot folks about schools and places. It is true there is a vibe at some schools that is better than at others. Town/gown, employee/student and the general type of a student at a school does affect the atmosphere at any given place. However, it’s not always accurate to take a day or two at a place and then paint it by thst experience. I’ve known folks who had horrific visits and ride treatment at the very top schools, much worse than you experienced.
That your student has disabilities and is not able to gauge Social signs is going to be an issue most anywhere. In a small school if the winds of favor it blow favorably, it could work well. It’s not possible to hide in small residential schools like one can in the large, and it can go either way. I know the culture of a LAC pretty much saved one of my son’s roommates who had some issues that could have gone unnoticed. I’ve seen kids defeated by the cut thrust and intensity of a lot of students at schools known for that trait too.
What I see here is a young man who is grinch to be a legal adult who has gotten a full ride, you say, to a school of choice. He is not asking you to pay out of your money to fund this experience. He has a full ride , you say to go there. He is asking you to support his choice and come up with the costs parents of your means do as an add on when their kids leave home. He is not asking you for $80k for something you clearly do not want to buy for him.
I get your concerns, and you may well be right. He may go there and have to come home, commute to a nearby school, maybe after a hiatus to regroup. But he has earned that chance to fail and he wants to take it. A horse fighting its rope makes it very difficult for its owner, and this is a horse you are letting feee soon, hopefully anyways. Better to let him pick the way.
I wanted all of my kids within an easy day drive there and back, but it didn’t happen. The problem with forcing an choice or quashing it, is that when things go wrong, and trust me, they often do, it. Ones back to the parents who pushed a venue onto a recalcitrant kid. I make a huge exception to this when money is at stake, becsuse no one should be forced to pay a lot of money for something they absolutely do not want to spend.
Yes, it can all go wrong, in fact , likely that it will. But it’s HIS choice, his mistake, his opportunity.