When parents and student do not agree on the college

Parents Forum
21

I am sorta conflicted on this one. The parents evidently thought high enough about this program to first apply to it then second have their son do an overnight. Regardless of free ride. If it wasn’t in consideration then applying wouldn’t make sense. The son was willing and mature enough to do the overnight. My son didn’t want to do this but my daughter did

The rudeness doesn’t bother me as much as long as the administration, professors, learning specialist etc seemed caring. If not, then there’s a problem.

You can game on your phone and computer. My son doesn’t use his gaming console that much but joined and runs a online baseball league with random people on the internet on his computer . They asked him to be the general manager and since then they have won 3 world series in a row… Can my son use it for his resume how he manages strangers…? Lol… This is just a stress reliever for him. Funny thing is last year he had this serious desire to read novels. Like anything he could get his hands on… Maybe they mentioned something in his classes… Lol…

Also at most universities they have parent weekend schedule at about the 6 week mark. This is a researched time to have it. It’s when the kids need to have that connection with home. At my kids parents welcome weekend they spoke about it whether a big ten university or a small lac… Same message…

Also maybe reach out to an advisor with a question. and see how they respond to you. At my kids schools they are pretty quick to respond. They seemed caring when I had a concern… This was several years ago when or before they even started.

I also don’t have an ASD kid. Not sure how much that plays into any of this or if it does at all?

22

Some expreiences I have seen:

  1. one friends son was undiagnosed ASD and didn’t even make it until Thanksgiving.
  2. One friends son concentrated so much on gaming he was kicked out of Cornell

If your son has ASD then he won’t have the Executive Functioning skills to plan his school work vs video gaming.

23

First of all, I’m sorry you are going through this. It causes tremendous emotional and stress in the family and to you. I’ve gone through this process with 6 kids and it’s not always gone smoothly. What you are experiencing happens a lot.

I can give you my take on the situation based on what you have written, my personal options and experiences, and some outright facts. However how any advice you get is not going to be tailored to your specific situation. There is likely do much more than you have written, In sure.

I want to address your feelings about the employees and the interactions there. I get that from a lot folks about schools and places. It is true there is a vibe at some schools that is better than at others. Town/gown, employee/student and the general type of a student at a school does affect the atmosphere at any given place. However, it’s not always accurate to take a day or two at a place and then paint it by thst experience. I’ve known folks who had horrific visits and ride treatment at the very top schools, much worse than you experienced.

That your student has disabilities and is not able to gauge Social signs is going to be an issue most anywhere. In a small school if the winds of favor it blow favorably, it could work well. It’s not possible to hide in small residential schools like one can in the large, and it can go either way. I know the culture of a LAC pretty much saved one of my son’s roommates who had some issues that could have gone unnoticed. I’ve seen kids defeated by the cut thrust and intensity of a lot of students at schools known for that trait too.

What I see here is a young man who is grinch to be a legal adult who has gotten a full ride, you say, to a school of choice. He is not asking you to pay out of your money to fund this experience. He has a full ride , you say to go there. He is asking you to support his choice and come up with the costs parents of your means do as an add on when their kids leave home. He is not asking you for $80k for something you clearly do not want to buy for him.

I get your concerns, and you may well be right. He may go there and have to come home, commute to a nearby school, maybe after a hiatus to regroup. But he has earned that chance to fail and he wants to take it. A horse fighting its rope makes it very difficult for its owner, and this is a horse you are letting feee soon, hopefully anyways. Better to let him pick the way.

I wanted all of my kids within an easy day drive there and back, but it didn’t happen. The problem with forcing an choice or quashing it, is that when things go wrong, and trust me, they often do, it. Ones back to the parents who pushed a venue onto a recalcitrant kid. I make a huge exception to this when money is at stake, becsuse no one should be forced to pay a lot of money for something they absolutely do not want to spend.

Yes, it can all go wrong, in fact , likely that it will. But it’s HIS choice, his mistake, his opportunity.

24

@bopper. My sons current roommate is an ASD kid. Senior doing a double major in engineering at a known big ten school. Not sure how true that is but I also have no experience with it at all.

25

As a parent of an ASD child, our college choices were based on where we felt we would get the best support. My son is over 1000 miles away, but getting support with a school that has a wonderful program for ASD’s. We joke that his computer is his first love, but he is managing to do fine, abet a few bumps here and there. If he had gotten into our State Flagship which would have saved us tons of money, he would have been close to home but would not have made it past his first semester. There was another state school near by, and that was our backup plan, but so far he is doing fine. BUT and I say bit BUT, its not about the distance, but more about the support he is receiving . Will this LAC provide support for him. How is the DSS office? Those are things that you and your husband need to get on board with. How is it with the more local school?

26

I guess it boils down to what his needs are. Obviously, he’s self-reliant enough to go away to college. That could be good for him if he has a full ride scholarship. If he can responsibly function as an adult, then he’s better off than a lot of college students his age. Just be sure you can give him a way out if something goes wrong. If you have a bad feeling about sending him away, then let him know your concerns. You get the final say on where he goes.

27

I don’t have a child with ASD, but I know a LOT of ASD kids. And they don’t seem to fail to thrive any more than non-ASD kids do. One of my kids had an awful time for the first few months of college. For the first three months, it seemed that every day brought more texts of doom and tearful phone calls. She stuck it out and is happy now.

There are so many kids that have to deal with myriad issues: homesickness, loneliness, lack of motivation, excessive partying, financial troubles, medical issues, family problems, mental health problems, various learning disabilities, you name it. Yes, ASD is an issue, but in my opinion, it’s not vastly different or worse than other things that college students have to deal with. The point is that virtually all kids will face challenges when they go to college.

OP must have felt reasonably confident that her son could handle going away to college, or would have never considered it in the first place. I suspect that reality is hitting home and the “what if’s” are creeping in. The classic saying is “What if I fall?” “Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?” Let him fly, and if he falls, help him get back on his feet.

28

I also want to add that getting a full ride scholarship to a residential college is very rare. Highly unlikely he will get this deal again for undergraduate. It may be worth the try. Of course, I do not know the extent of his disabilities. I have one on the spectrum and it’s very touch and go all of the time. We’ve won and lost in taking risks that he could handle certain things.

29

The question is: Is he really self-reliant enough to go away to college?
Perhaps he is…but perhaps the parents are doing more than they realize for the student.
Does he do homework without prompting?
Does he know what homework to do?
Does he forget to write homework down?
Does he get up by himself?
Can he keep track of when he needs to do things? In HS, you go from one class to another. In college, classes are not necessarily sequential.
Does he remember to eat?

Just saying that in HS and at home there are usually people telling you/reminding you to do things but at college you are all on your own.

30

If his choice is affordable then he should be able to go.

But you could make it clear that if he is not successful there and loses his full ride, that he will need to come home and go to school locally.

Gaming can be a possible problem but it can also be better than other things they could be doing.

The fact that staff was rude might not be an indication that the school is not right for him.

31

My impression was that he will not receive the support he needs. I detailed some of the very rude behavior at the school on behalf of the staff. I think he will end up crushed emotionally. I do not think the staff will care. The staff really showed their colors and they would have to do a 180 to be the kind of people who would care at all about the students. They certainly did not care about the guests. It was the very rude behavior that was concerning, not the distance. But the distance makes it worse because when the staff is nasty to him, it won’t be a simple matter of bringing him home. I suspect that even if we lived near by, it would still be a very bad idea. He will forfeit a full tuition and fees scholarship to a closer college with nice staff and a supportive disabilities office if he goes to the LAC.

32

As a parent, I know how you feel, and I’ve felt that way too. I’ve watched my kids fail at endeavors that I knew were bad ideas.

The big question is whether it’s worth it to force him to go to a school he doesn’t want to attend when he has a full ride award to the one he wants. There is often fall out from forcing something line that. I’ve seen it many times when a student is resentfully going to a school because it is forced upon them that it does not go well. When there is financial aspect to the choice, it’s time young adults learn that people can choose to spend their money as the please, and if a parent feels that paying for a given school is not worth the money, that’s it. Many kids are going to colleges based on affordability.

Yes, it will be a loss of the scholarship to the school you prefer if he goes off to another choice. If things don’t work out at his choice, an affordable local state school is probably where he will have to go unless you are willing and able to pay for college. But that would all be on him that he is in that predicament. Let him know what the outcome is going to be in such a situation.

If he goes to you choice of school, and it doesn’t work out, you are likely to have one bitter son who has also lost an opportunity to go to the school he wanted.

33

It was staff. We dealt with rude students and rude staff. There were maybe three people working at admissions that seemed nice and trying, but the rest, including staff at admissions and the registrars office, were very rude. We only considered this college because someone we knew had a daughter there and claimed she loves it. That is it. He got a full-ride because academically, he is way ahead of the curve for who usually goes there.

34

This is my concern. It was an admissions visit that was starting within the hour and it was turning dark out and very cold out and they were very rude and told me I had to wait outside with my small child. If this is how they treat people coming to an event like this, I am guessing that in the long term, it would get worse. If it were never worse than it was on this visit, it will still be awful.

35

You seem to be assuming the worst possible outcome. I hope you’re not this negative around your son.

36

You’ve been through this 3 times. Parents can know what is best and I believe that you do in this case.
It’s great that you’re taking him back to the school he originally loved and that you think is a much better fit. Hopefully, this refresher will get him to see why he was so excited about it in the first place.

37

Admissions staff will never deal with him once he’s enrolled unless he goes to work for them. Who is the contact in Accessibilty and Disabilty Services- that’s who will be dealing with your son. Is a tutor or executive function coach available?

38

Anecdote: my sister was really unhappy about her daughter’s first choice school, a huge, competitive, urban school my sister thought wouldn’t be a good fit for this shy, anxiety-prone young woman who seemed intimidated by the big cities she visited.

My sister and her husband came up with all kinds of good reasons why the girl should pick a smaller, more out-of-the-way campus that also offered the girl’s sport as a high-level club, and a substantial scholarship.

They presented all their reasons, the girl heard them, but still picked the huge urban campus. Fast forward four years and she graduated summa cum laude, Phi Beta Kappa. She was still shy - but not AS shy as she was as a high schooler - and still somewhat anxiety prone - but clearly could control it well enough to perform superbly in college. She celebrated her graduation by going to Europe with several friends.

My sister listened to her gut, and was wrong. Her daughter listened to her gut, and was right. She felt the school would help her grow as a person, and boy did it ever.

So OP, I know you have a say as a parent, and as someone who will be paying. And you DO have valid reasons for your concern. But maybe this is a time to go against your gut and let your son make the decision. He may surprise you and blossom. And if he doesn’t - well, there are no guarantees. He may not blossom at the school of your choice, either.

Wishing you all the best.

39

The staff you met aren’t the people he will be interacting with. Go back and have meetings with professors in his major and the people who will be his personal contacts in student support.
As for the people locking the building, that is their job. If you go to a public library, for example, that closes at 5pm, and ask to stay in the building until your ride comes, they won’t do it either. They have families and obligations to get home to.

40

The OPs argument seems to be coming back to the rudeness she experienced. But OP never once mentions if her son feels the same, and if it bothers him. I feel as though OP is determined to dislike the school.

Check the freshman retention rate of the school. If students stay, that’s a much better indicator of what it’s actually like for students on campus. Unhappy students don’t stick around.