When Parents Still Act Like They're in High School!!

Parent Cafe
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<p>My neighbor down the street and I have been friends since our boys were in 1st grade (they are now in 8th grade). Our boys were very close up to 5th grade when her son started hanging out with the “popular” kids. Time went on and her son would decline invitations from my son to come over. They continued to play in the neighborhod and were amicable. My son still see’s her son as a good friend and they’ve been going to each other’s birthday party since they met. Well, last weekend, I found out through another mother that my friend had over 60 kids for her son’s birthday party. My son was not invited and was not aware of it until he read about it on Facebook. </p>

<p>When I comfronted my friend about this, she said that she discussed this issue with her son before the party and he claimed that my son said something to him that was hurtful and didn’t want to invite him. So her reply to me is “What can I do. It’s his birthday party and his decision.” I told her that I was not trying to “force a friendship” between our boys but that I felt we had enough history, that she would at least attempt to have her son and my son try to resolve their problems. </p>

<p>This is not the first time this has happened. My son invited her son to the carnival with us, which she said he didn’t care for carnivals…and sure enough, we see him and her at the carnival with the large group of “popular” kids and their moms. And her story was, he changed his mind at the last minute…“you know these kids, they can never make up their mind.”</p>

<p>From the very beginning, my husband warned me of my “friend” who appears to him to be two-faced and is only befriending me to her advantage. As much as she puts down other parents and kids in the area who “can be so mean” and “plays games”…she will do anything to make sure her kids are with the “in group”.</p>

<p>So needless to say I have a lot of hurt & anger inside me towards her right now. But we are both in a circle of friends where we will see each other often and I don’t know how I can put up a “friendly” face with her. Is my anger justified? How do I deal with our friendship. We have both been invited to a happy hour at a mutual friend’s house tomorrow…and I don’t know what to do. Please help!</p>

<p>Sorry for the long “Dear Abby” post but all you great parents always come through… Thank you!</p>

<p>Thank you in advance for your help!</p>

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<p>What has prompted you to assume that the mom was responsible for your son’s exclusion from her son’s social activities?</p>

<p>It seems to me that eighth grade boys tend to choose their own friends. If her son is avoiding including your son in activities, it probably means that her son or his closest friends do not enjoy your son’s company.</p>

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<p>Sounds like a couple of different issues – the one between the boys and the one between the moms. I’m not sure you’ll be able to address the one between you and the other mom without getting over your hurt for your ds.</p>

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<p>Ginger, I know this situation is hurtful to your son, but I have to agree with Marian in that 8th graders are old enough to choose their own friends. It’s not at all unusual that kids who were close in elementary school or even early middle school find, as they approach 8th grade and then high school that they belong to different groups and just don’t have stuff in common anymore.</p>

<p>Yes, it’s awkward when you and the mom became friends because of your sons’ friendships, but just because your sons are different and like different groups doesn’t mean you can’t still be friendly. It doesn’t sound like the other mom handled things well when you confronted her, but it must also have been really awkward for her to be approached by an obviously upset woman who wanted to know why her son was excluded. (Believe me when I say that we are all Mother Bears and know how you must have been feeling.) </p>

<p>The best thing to do, in my view, is for you to encourage your son to get friendlier with other boys and actively invite other kids to come over to hang out and do things. Don’t keep trying to force a friendship between two boys who no longer seem to have much in common.</p>

<p>Good luck! This stuff is hard.</p>

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<p>Over the years I’ve met lots of people like your S’s friends’ Mom. Treat them like any other ACQUAINTANCE and you should be fine. Politely decline the unreasonable requests, and use your judgement on the rest. This lady is not your friend … but is also not your enemy.</p>

<p>As for your S, stuff like this is what makes Junior High School hard. But it’s really his life, and his choice. I guess that means I agree with Marian and NMR.</p>

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<p>Friendships of younger kids (through elementary school) are usually based a lot on convenience (live nearby, in the same class, parents are friends, etc.). Those criteria start to fall away in middle school. As the child of parents who tried to force me and my siblings to be “friends” with their friends kids all the way into adulthood, I have some sympathy for the other boy, too.</p>

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<p>I am aware that her son does not care to be friends with my son and I understand that kids this age go off on their own separate direction. But I feel that out of respect for our friendship (which she has often times mentioned how much she values our friendship) and both sharing all the trials and tribulations together of raising our sons that she would at least confronted me and explained the situation…instead of me finding out from another mother. What lesson has she taught her son by doing this? When you have a problem with someone, just throw that friendship away and move on? What happened to treating people with respect and compassion…and learning how to resolve conflicts. I already knew that both boys have moved on their own separate ways. It was how she handled the situation that hurt my feelings.</p>

<p>On that note, Youdon’tsay, yes…you are right. I am trying rise above the hurt and anger and am praying for strength, guidance and grace. There’s nothing worse than seeing your son get hurt. And knowing that ultimately, he is the one that has to “live and learn.” And, yes, middle school is a very difficult stage. And unfortunately it is the time when kids are defined as to “who’s cool” and “who’s not cool”. It is when the parents who contribute to this mentality that bothers me. My son may have a very small number of friends compared to hers but he has the “quality” instead of “quantity”.</p>

<p>I am dismayed by the lack of caring, compassionate and strong character today’s kids have. Through community service, church, boyscouts, I have always taught my kids to be caring and compassionate. To be the one to step up for the less fortunate. </p>

<p>If the table was turned and my son didn’t care to invite my friend’s son to his birthday party, I would have explained that they have been a very close family-friend to our family and it would be hurtful to them if he didn’t and insist that he try to resolve his problem with his friend. Am I really wrong here?</p>

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<p>By the time my oldest was in high school he had a whole new group of friends - only one was left from elementary school. Some did indeed go off to be with more “popular” kids, while my son happily found the other geeky kids. It’s not unusual, I think you need to get over it, and most of all stay off Facebook where all this junior high stuff gets exaggerated. Your son and this kid are no longer friends, no big deal. You don’t need to be friends with the Mom unless you like her independently of the kids.</p>

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<p>IMO little to no good comes from parents trying to direct teens’ or pre-teens’ relationships. Sometimes only harm comes from it.</p>

<p>Would you really want your son to be at a party mainly because the host’s mom forced the invitation? I would only want my kids (or myself!) to be where we are really wanted, even if that means I am in my house when others are partying.</p>

<p>I recall the attempted manipulations of the moms of my friends (the moms friends themselves) when I was a kid. Once when I was quite young there was a meeting in one mom’s living room and we girls were told nobody was leaving until we all were friends again. (I do not recally any meanness, just a growing apart as the kids took different directions.) The result I recall is annoyance at the mom who directed this session, and pity for her daughter. (That same mom, many years later, set her daughter up with a date for the high school prom, working through the mom of the target boy. The D was at an all-girls school so needed to be an inviter.)</p>

<p>With my own kids, my message was that they needed to treat **all **with courtesy. They did not have to continue friendships from preschool, but did need to **be nice **to everyone. That meant being polite and kind, not necessarily continuing to socialize with them.</p>

<p>Anyhow, whether you want to continue a friendship with this mom or not should ride on on its own merits, rather than a package deal involving the sons. </p>

<p>IMO</p>

<p>P.S. I think it is unrealistic to expect the other boy’s mom to have addressed this issue with you. It would have put her in the position of saying “My S does not like your S any more, and is not inviting him to the party we are giving.” Why should she have to inflict that hurtful experience on you? How would that have been better than your S simply not being on the guest list?</p>

<p>GREAT that your son has his own group of good friends, and I certainly agree that quality is more important than quantity. Let your S know how much you like his current group of buds. No need to put down anyone else. Do not give him the impression that you are disappointed with his not being included in the “cool” group. Why not let your S plan a fun event for his own group?</p>

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<p>Boy OP, I could write a very similar post. One thing that is hard to wrap you head around -esp. with the families that you’ve known since all the kids were babies - is that some of your friends’ kids might be little jerks. </p>

<p>The child of a woman I really like is a jerk to my child and a jerk to us. We just don’t like him anymore. The sad thing is that my friend really *likes *our child… but our child is very sweet to her, goes out of her way to talk to her, etc. Her child, however - who spent hundreds of hours in our house when he was younger - can walk past us 10 times at a school event and act like we aren’t there. I feel bad that I don’t like my friend’s child, but he’s earned it. </p>

<p>I just have to let the kid to kid interaction be what it is, and keep it separate from the adult to adult interaction. (Also, husband and I certainly don’t speak ill of the child to our child; our feelings are kept to ourselves.)</p>

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<p>“I am aware that her son does not care to be friends with my son and I understand that kids this age go off on their own separate direction. But I feel that out of respect for our friendship (which she has often times mentioned how much she values our friendship) and both sharing all the trials and tribulations together of raising our sons that she would at least confronted me and explained the situation…instead of me finding out from another mother.”</p>

<p>It’s a really awkward situation for everyone. Her son had a right to invite whomever he chose. I don’t think that his mother was obligated to explain the situation to you. It was her son’s party, not a party that she was throwing for herself. If your son became upset about being excluded, it would have been appropriate for your son to have followed up with his friend.</p>

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<p>It happened to me and my best friend, my second daughter and her daughter. We were best friends and very good family friends. We traveled together as families, spent holidays together.</p>

<p>My friend’s daughter decided to branch out 3rd or 4th grade. She wanted to be in the popular crowd. My daughter liked some of them, but didn’t like many of them because they were mean. Friend’s daughter started to ignore my D2 in front of people sometimes, and D2 would be hurt. To keep the friendship going, I told D2 to over look some of her friend’s behavior. I was tempted to say something to my friend, but I knew it wouldn’t help the situation. </p>

<p>One day, D2 over heard her friend telling people she wasn’t really friends with D2 (I think they were trying to get this girl to make a choice). My daughter was very upset, and cried for hours when she came home. We talked about it and I asked her what she wanted to do. She told me that she couldn’t be friends with someone like that. I thought she was just saying it out of anger and would get over it. It has been 8 years. From that day forward, she never said another word to the girl in school.</p>

<p>I am not going to lie, I was very angry at my friend initially. I wanted to tell her what a rotten kid she has. After I calmed down, I realized that I need to keep my relationship with her separate from my daughter’s relationship with her daughter. I didn’t want her to make her daughter be my daughter’s friend. Aside from our kids, my friend has been a good friend to me. So I said nothing. We continued to be friends, but I tried to avoid any get together with our daughters. But we have had a few family get togethers, and the girls have been civil to each other.</p>

<p>My friend’s daughter is turning out to be a difficult teenager to her parents. She is having a lot problems with the crowd she is running with. D2 is not part of that crowd, but is friends with some of them. She’s got her own group of friends at school. They don’t party(with alcohol) and most of them are focused on their ECs(sports, performing arts) or schoolwork.</p>

<p>I am glad I didn’t say anything 8 years ago. I maintained my friendship, and D2 got to make her own choice as to who she wants to be friends with without my interference.</p>

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<p>I get the impression that it’s mom, not son, who is hurt. That impression is based in part on the fact that the mom didn’t find out about the party from her son, but from another mother. </p>

<p>Sorry, OP, but I think you’re very much in the wrong here. 13 is old enough to make your own friends. It’s not up to mom and dad to decide who they befriend. And the truth is that if your son HAD gone, he’d probably have a rotten time. Why? because the popular kids who would be there and don’t want to be his friends are unlikely to have included him in the social scene. It’s also probable that one or more of them would ask “Why did you invite __?” and get the answer “My mother made me.” That response would probably have gotten back to your son and would have hurt more than not being invited in the first place, IMO. </p>

<p>Exactly what “problem” is it that you think the other mom should have for forced her son to “resolve” with his “friend”, your son? Imagine one of these scenarios:</p>

<p>“Look, I like the cool kids in class and they don’t like you all that much. You know why? Well, you aren’t all that great at sports, so would you spend 20 hours a week practicing and grow 3 inches before my party next week?” or</p>

<p>"You need to get a whole new wardrobe; you dress like a ____[fill in derogatory term here.] or maybe</p>

<p>“Look, I think you’re okay, but the other guys don’t and I’m afraid if I spent too much time with you, they’ll dump me. But my mom’s made me see the light so I’m going to give up all my other friends to be friends with you.” </p>

<p>This isn’t a “problem” you can resolve. I doubt very much it’s a problem the other boy’s mom can resolve. And, why you may not want to think so…your son MAY really have said something “hurtful” --along the lines of “I don’t like the guys you’re hanging out with.” </p>

<p>Let it go.</p>

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<p>Here’s an idea if you want to salvage the relationship with the woman: Can you talk to her at the happy hour (or some other time) and say, “Ya know, (insert name here), I just want you to know that I understand that our boys have grown apart. Your son has his friends, and ds has his as well. But I did find it hurtful when you made an excuse not to come to the carnival with our family and then we saw you there with others. I hope in the future you can just be straight with me, OK?” </p>

<p>I do sympathize. Except I didn’t care for the moms of ds’s “more popular” friends in elementary. And they seemed to not care for me either. The good thing was I didn’t care in the least what they thought. I could see the writing on the wall very early. Eventually, ds switched middle schools, and that was the end of that. I still see some around, and they are as stuck up as ever. There are stuck-up moms at ds’s HS, but I just avoid them. Who knows why people never grow up? Or why it’s so difficult for some to just be kind and inclusive. But we can’t change them, only our reaction to them.</p>

<p>BTW, I’m not sure I could pull ofl what I wrote in the first paragraph, mainly because I wouldn’t want to remain friends with someone like her. Are there enough people at the happy hour where it’s not like you have to be bffs?</p>

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<p>My D’s best friend dumped her for the “popular crowd” when they were in 7th grade. It really hurt my D’s feelings, but I do not blame the girl’s parents. They were and remain friends of mine. I even still have a cordial (if somewhat distant) relationship with the girl, who was in my scout troop through senior year of high school. Seems kind of “high school” to me that OP is unable to separate the actions & friendship of a middle school boy from his mom’s…</p>

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<p>Of course, as I’m reflecting on this post, I’m remembering a couple we’re pretty friendly with, and *my *three kids think that their three kids are about the oddest kids on the planet (and I would tend to agree.) I wonder if they are secretly ticked that our kids aren’t friends with their kids.</p>

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<p>Actually, something sort of similar (but different, too!) happened to us. We were having a family birthday party (and by family, I mean grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins) for my older D’s 11th birthday and during the party, the phone rang. </p>

<p>It was a neighbor whose daughter played with mine. "Um, is there something you forgot to tell us?’ she said, when I answered. Confused, I asked her to explain. “Did you forget to invite my daughter to your daughter’s party?” she said.</p>

<p>I gently explained that this was a family-only party and the other three kids she saw were my D’s cousins (my two nieces and a nephew) and that no other kids were invited. I then invited the little girl to come over after and share some cake.</p>

<p>That seemed to mollify the mom, but I have to say that I was shocked that the mom would actually call that way! I guess it’s just not something I would have done. If the mom felt her daughter was left out, I guess she could have talked to me privately later. But to be honest, I would never even do that. One thing I have taught my kids is that you cannot and will not be invited to everything. That is just the way it is. In elementary school, most teachers have rules about not handing out invitations at school and such, but once they get to middle school and up, the kids do talk about the parties (or they post pics on Facebook) and hurt feelings abound. But this is life. You can’t be included in everything.</p>

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<p>"One thing that is hard to wrap you head around -esp. with the families that you’ve known since all the kids were babies - is that some of your friends’ kids might be little jerks. " So true, Missypie!</p>

<p>My ds had a neighbor buddy and they were incessantly together. When I would invite other kids over he would inevitable show up to join in–and I always let him because I didn’t mind. It didn’t work in reverse at all though. I remember being exasperated because this kid showed up for every party–even family celebrations–and he was always welcome–but then he would be very mean to my son and sometimes tell my son to leave when the other neighbor kids were over.</p>

<p>And then it occurred to me:</p>

<p>Why do I want my kid playing with a kid like that anyway? </p>

<p>It was clear from the beginning that this kid was going to be popular. He’s a terrific athlete and he had that swagger, attitude, and a very sharp, frequently cruel, sarcastic wit. He was the social terror of his class. </p>

<p>That isn’t what I wanted for my son.</p>

<p>It’s especially bruising when you realize that you’ve raised your kids to be kind only to send them out into a peer environment that doesn’t always value that. It’s excruciating to see them be hurt, but here is what I did:</p>

<p>My ds was coming home saying that this kid was being pretty mean to other kids at school–and he would also blow my son off if anybody was around that he thought had higher social status. My ds had always hung with this group, only now he was discovering that it was less and less fun.</p>

<p>I said," Pay attention to your gut. If you’re around people, and you feel nervous or fearful that you’ll be ridiculed, those are not your friends." </p>

<p>He came home the next day to announce he’d been hanging with some very nerdy guys–and he was so much happier and relaxed.</p>

<p>Friendships born out of shared motherhood experiences can be great, but sometimes they don’t survive transitions like this–and it gets very messy when the mom’s friendship is affected by the kid’s friendship. </p>

<p>You may feel like it would’ve been better for you to hear it from her, but it would’ve still been upsetting, and though it hurts to see your s hurt, he’d probably get hurt a lot more if he kept trying to hang with that kid.</p>

<p>It’s too long to post here, but the neighbor kid did continue to show up here when he had nothing better to do, and my ds was always happy to have somebody to hang with. After a particularly ugly and mean episode at the other kid’s house I finally told my ds,
“You may still be willing to go back for more, but I am not going to let that go on. You are done with that kid.” A few months later the kid apologized on Myspace to my ds, which was nice.</p>

<p>You can’t force someone else to value the same things you do in raising your child. I know you’re baffled and hurt about your friend’s attitude–but some people actually really want their kids to be popular and don’t particularly worry if they have good friends–just lots of friends.</p>

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<p>She called DURING the party? Wow…that’s pretty nervy. Did they bring a gift?</p>

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<p>Oh and one more thing. I had a “friend” who was really mean to me in 7th grade. Three or four years later she apologized to me. We had gone our separate ways by then as far as friendship was concerned, but were still in Girl Scouts together. Sometimes it’s just temporary - looking back it’s pretty clear to me that the meaness came out of jealousy. (I’d been moved to the honors track, she hadn’t been.) Sometimes junior high behavior really is just a temporary aberration.</p>

<p>I like jonri’s suggestion. Just be straight with the Mom about how YOUR feelings were hurt and you’d prefer honesty from her, that you realize the kids have grown apart.</p>