When Parents Still Act Like They're in High School!!

Parent Cafe
41

<p>

LOL I could have written this, including the fact that both S1’s used to be friends but drifted apart, while S2s are still friends. Husbands are both profs at the same school and see each other frequently - but I have to admit the main thing we Moms had in common was gardening. We both used to have part time jobs and did more chatting at pickup time. </p>

<p>I actually find it sort of interesting from a sociological point of view - figuring out the Venn diagrams of who socializes with whom when. With above couple we are on the B list - invited to some parties but not all. :)</p>

42

<p>Here is another perspective from a party giver. When D1 was a junior in high school, she decided to have a murder mystery birthday party. She had a group of a few girls (in her scout troop) that she had been good friends with for years, but two were “best friends” (and had excluded my daughter from many activities on this basis that just the two of them were doing whatever…), and one had gone pretty boy crazy and on an academic slide in high school. The three of them often also shared activities (movies, etc.) and did not invite D1 many times (although sometimes they did). D1 didn’t have a birthday party every year leading up to this, but she had invited these girls each time she had one over the years, and she had been to many of theirs.</p>

<p>D1 decided that for the mystery theme party, a different group of friends would be a better fit with the theme (some theater kids, a couple of friends from our old neighborhood, etc.). And there are a limited number of “roles” for the party, which limited the guest list. So she had a party and did not invite those original 3 friends.</p>

<p>The girls who weren’t invited found out about the party later, and were angry that they were not invited. They collected photos from over the years of them all, made up a scrapbook, then left it on the doorstep at night with a note about what a bad friend she was, rang the doorbell, and ran. One of their mom’s helped with this. They didn’t speak to her for several weeks. Eventually they got back on civil terms, but their friendship never really recovered.</p>

<p>Given how often they left D1 out of their activities (and she never held it against them in spite of being hurt by it), I found their behavior obnoxious. D1 had plenty of other friends, so she did not suffer greatly. D2 still takes flak from the younger sister of one of the girls (“your sister is a bad friend” comments). </p>

<p>My take on this is that once kids get to middle school, they are entitled to invite the friends of their choice (within reason, no bad behavior or troublemakers welcome) to any activity they want to, and are not obligated to invite someone just because I want them to or because that person invited them to something. My kids are instructed to be discreet (no conversation about the event around those who are not invited) to avoid hurt feelings. But parents who encourage their kids to behave badly when they don’t get an invitation are also teaching their kids bad behavior. As an adult, I don’t expect to be invited to every party or dinner or activity my friends engage in. Why would I teach my kids that they are entitled to ANY invitation except maybe for immediate family events?</p>

43

<p>

Oh, yuck. Your d is several steps ahead by being done with this bunch!</p>

<p>I’ve seen no good at all come of mothers involving themselves in teen girl disputes. (It is kind of fascinating to watch, though. The mothers make themselves look pathetic.) I wonder what was going through the head of the mom who decided to “help” with the scrapbook. Do you think it ever crossed her mind that “I’m setting a really bad example for my child … and, oh yeah, I’m way too old for this.”?</p>

<p>My d had a frenemy in hs whose mom was probably a major reason behind the girls’ problems in getting along. I remember the time the d asked my d and another friend, at school, to join her limo group for the junior prom. The next day she told my d that she had counted wrong and already had a full limo. (You know how hard it is to count to 12. :rolleyes: ) No big deal, especially because the girls were in different social groups at school and only really knew each other through their dance studio. This girl subsequently asked other people to join the group. It was obvious the mom had vetoed this girl’s choice when her d got home from school and told her whom she’d invited. There were dozens of similar episodes - we still smile about this one.</p>

44

<p>

</p>

<p>IMO instances such as this make the thread title ironic – does anyone else think it is **the parents who are getting so involved **who are the ones acting like they’re still in high school?</p>

<p>By the way, I do NOT mean this as a dig at the OP, who IMO has been very receptive to feedback and to examining her reactions. But the story about the mom who helped prepare the photo album to be left on the party-giver’s doorstep made me think this.</p>

<p>Also gets me thinking about the Megan Meier case. “The mother from down the street told police that she, her daughter and another person all typed and monitored the communication between the fictitious boy and Megan.” [FOXNews.com</a> - Mom: MySpace Hoax Led to Daughter’s Suicide - Local News | News Articles | National News | US News](<a href=“http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,312018,00.html]FOXNews.com”>Fox News - Breaking News Updates | Latest News Headlines | Photos & News Videos)</p>

45

<p>It is good when a child feels comfortable enough to tell parents about their social life and various interactions they have with their friends. It is a good opportunity to help them sort through their feelings and hopefully they become more mature and stronger with each ups and downs. </p>

<p>As I was very close with D1 in high school, I was often her sounding board. There were a few times when I had to hold her back on “getting back” at people. There were a few times when I had to tell her to stand up for her rights and not cave in to peer pressure. There were a few times when I’ve been amazed at her maturity.</p>

<p>D1 was a very liked girl in HS, often center of attention. At the risk of sounding conceited, there were a few girls in her group who were jealous of her, but they tried not to show it too much. At th end of D1’s junior year, she was admitted to her school 2 most highly regarded societies, which no one from her group were admitted. Maybe out of jealousy, those girls started a campaign to completely shut out D1 (no invites, no FB messages, no text) the whole summer before senior year. It was the longest summer for all of us because she was looking forward to senior year as her best year. The whole summer she kept on saying she’ll have no one to hang out with and she’ll be an outcast. I suggested a few things to help out - make new friends by inviting some people over before school starts, call some of her old friends to see if they were still friendly. She declined all my suggestions. As the first day of school approached, she became calmer and stopped talking to me about it. I dreaded it and my stomach was in knots that day. I asked her about her day as soon as she came home. She told me that she had handle it - she marched right up to her group of “friends” and gave everyone a big hug, telling them how busy she was over the summer “hoping they haven’t been trying to reach her becasue she’s been traveling.” Everyone hugged and kissed, even the mean girls. The boys(clueless) all said they have missed her, how upset they were abou not have seen her at their get togethers. What followed was everyone updated her on all the upcoming parties and they all hoped she could come.</p>

<p>It was a calculated risk on D1’s part to pretend nothing was wrong. She said that her heart was pounding when she walked up to the group. I also asked her why she would continue to be friends with them. This is what amazed me…She said, “I have been frends with them for years. They didn’t stand up for me when they should have, and I now see them for who they are. I don’t think I would really trust them again. I could decide my pride is more important and have a miserable senior year, or I could go with the flow and finish high school with a good note.” </p>

<p>After that incident, she took upon hersel to always step in or help out whenever someone got picked on. People in her group were surprised on how vocal she was a few times about telling people to stop saying negative things about other people behind their back. I admire her for taking control of the situation and not let people push her around, I don’t think I could have done it. Business politic pales in comparison to HS social politic.</p>

46

<p>Another one who’s been there. It’s hard to see your child hurting ( they get over it), but I never considered it as anything between the other mom and myself. We remained friends and the girls ended up hanging around in separate groups but friendly to each other.</p>

<p>This happened back when the girls were in 5th grade. I hold no ill will toward the other girl. I refuse to judge an 18 year old college student based on one incident half her life time ago.</p>

47

<p>Oldfort’s story about how D1 pretended nothing was wrong, and greeted everyone who had been unkind to her with a smile and a hug, is the wisest advice on here.</p>

<p>Even if we have a conversation with those who have excluded us, they will probably not share the truth (as Jonri pointed out with her various conversation scenarios). More than this, even if they were able to download their real reasoning on the subject, you still would not get the full story. This is because how we feel toward people is often complex. It isn’t always as cut and dry as who is and isn’t popular, or who said something that is unkind. </p>

<p>Basically, we can never really know why we are included here or there. If we wish to increase the odds of being included more places, there are tricks to winning at that game. Still, we can never really know, all the time, why some relationships continue and some fizzle.</p>

<p>The best thing we can do is teach our kids that they really have no right to know what other people think of them. They also should not, beyond what is prudent, care what other people think of them. </p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Taking care of oneself, and making choices about how one wants to spend free time, is not the same as being selfish. Everyone has a right to socialize with whomever they please. If a person chooses to be offended because they are not invited, that does not mean the host did anything wrong. We cannot control other people, nor should we want to. We can, however, control how we react to things, and this is where emotional maturity comes in. </p>

<p>It is an important social skill to learn that we should appreciate it when we are included, and let it roll off of us when we aren’t. Having our moods tied to other people’s actions like that is simply not a good habit to get into (at any age).</p>

<p>All of this is, of course, easier said than done.</p>

48

<p>I was reading this thread and agreeing with all the moms who said that it’s up to the kids to choose their friends, and that if the OP’s kid had been invited due to the mom’s insistence it would be miserable for him, until I re-read the part about this party having 60 kids. SIXTY. I gotta be honest, it’s one thing to drift apart, but a childhood buddy from down the street doesn’t make the cut of the top SIXTY friends? Ouch. That is a slap in the face, no way around it. Then again, the carnival flip-flop should have told you all you needed to know about this family.</p>

<p>That said, I still agree with the other posters, but I have considerably more sympathy for the OP. If I were her, I would pretty much write this other mom out of my life. If you have to socialize where she is, think of her as a DISTANT acquaintance and do your best to avoid her (don’t avoid the event, just the person at the event). Don’t be outwardly rude, but don’t linger next to her at the buffet, either.</p>

<p>Let your son find his own friends. It doesn’t sound like he wants to be friends with the kid down the street, and if he does you might ask him why he’d want to be friends to someone who slighted him like that.</p>

<p>My D went thru something similar. Her best friend in middle school came on vacation with our family, twice. But when h.s. started the two girls were in different EC’s (partly because they both tried out for a team, D made it and the friend got cut. Then they both ran for class officers - not the same position - D won and the friend didn’t.) The friend got into the popular crowd and for whatever reason D, who had been solidly in that crowd, was suddenly shunned and the victim of rumors. She held her head high, ignored it all, and found new friends. Soph year the former friend and D became “friendly” again in school, although they didn’t hang around together at ALL outside school. The friend had a Sweet 16 for 100 kids, and D was not invited. She was the ONLY person out of all of her friends who was not invited. A guy who was friends with both D and the other girl saw her the Monday afterward and asked if she was sick all weekend, since she wasn’t at the party. She told him matter-of-factly that she wasn’t invited. His jaw was on the floor. I was furious over the whole situation. But you know what? I’m so glad she and the girl are not friends any more. The girl had a minor in possession charge, and 6 months later was taken by ambulance from a concert due to alcohol. D’s new friends are great, and they don’t drink. My situation was easier than the OP’s because I wasn’t really close to the girl’s mom, although we had travelled together with the girls when they were in the same EC. I had never really thought about whether the girl’s mom should have insisted that D be invited to the Sweet 16 - but I’m just as glad she wasn’t, because the cops ended up there too (the birthday girl wasn’t charged, but the older boys she invited were. The girl’s dad actually called the cops on the older boys and the party ended early.)</p>

<p>And D learned many valuable life lessons from the whole thing. Painful, but so worth it.</p>

49

<p>wow, it’s amazing what a head trip jr. high did on all of us moms. this was a very interesting post for me to read, as i too, feel like i’m pretty much now recovering from horrible 7th grade… now i have two daughters, one off to UCLA in two weeks, homeschooled her so she never went through all that junk that happens in Jr. high, and another girl starting 7th grade in a brand new school/state next week. she is having her first taste of being excluded and feeling left out (she was hs last year), BUT, i am the one who has some growing to do this year, i believe…i’m doing my best just to give her a safe haven and sounding board for the pain, and let her know that “if ya peak in high school/jr high you have nowhere to go but down”…but i’m going to just try to stay out of the politics and let her make her own decisions and grow from it…it’s tough, ladies, to sit by and watch it unfold, but we all get though it. and from my experience, mean little girls grow up to be mean women, and when us moms moms get involved in jr high politics we just screw it up even more…</p>

<p>no answers, just feeling your pain, mom who originally posted her dillemma…</p>

50

<p>The thing about this mom who helped with the scrapbook is that she has been one of my best friends for 15 years. Like many friends, we have some things we agree to disagree about. This (and politics :slight_smile: ) are among them. I told her right after the incident that I thought it was immature of the other girls (juniors in high school, not middle school!) to have behaved this way, and that they did not have any exclusive right to be invited to every get together my daughter planned. Especially since they had many outings that did not include D. (“Yes, but it was a BIRTHDAY party”). I stood my ground respectfully, and that was our last discussion on the topic. Our family still does things with their family sometimes (we all went out to dinner just a couple of weeks ago). The mom and I meet regularly for coffee, etc. But the girls do not seek each other out outside those family get togethers any more.</p>

51

<p>intparenet–that is just obnoxious behavior by a mom!</p>

<p>One of the most important things my DH ever taught me is that it’s an honor to be disliked by some people. The other is that people believe what they want to believe. I agree that such a huge party could have included old friends, but some old friends we are better off without.</p>

52

<p>The thread title is so perfect for what many of us see all too often: parents who have never left high school. Meddling in friendships is what moms sometimes specialize in. I have seen moms who befriend other moms just so their younger kids can have the right friends. </p>

<p>I have also seen moms cleverly bad mouth kids who are in their child’s way - I have seen this so very often. The method is to bring up a story under the guise of needing to share or “concern” about the other kid. Things (gossip) are mentioned which make the other child look bad, so that parents are wary. </p>

<p>I have even seen a parent get camp administrators to move a girl out of a cabin if when she was in her daughter’s way. Despite the fact that the other girls in the cabin wanted her there, this child ended up with girls she hardly knew. And she never even knew how it happened. Mainly it is kids who end friendships. There are, however, some very clever predator moms out there who are so hyper focused on their kid’s popularity and so conniving that they can bring a kid down single handedly (and not get caught).This stuff, by the way, makes me sick.</p>

53

<p>The ripple in the relationship pool when one parent personalizes the ever-changing friends group of his or her 10+ yo child can affect the other parent as well.</p>

<p>At my S’s private, dads were responsible for covering a lot of events and providing a lot of assistance. That meant that over time you would make friends with another dad while you and he were engaged in these activities and the moms were some where else. More than once, dads who had developed a friendship would have their wives get in a “snit” over the kids’ change of buddies.</p>

<p>Some wives actually tried to pressure their husband to break off the friendship with the other dad. A variety of “I won’t be your friend, if you are a friend of ______.” I meet every 6 weeks or so with a small group of the dads (of now college juniors) I connected with while my S was in school. One dad still doesn’t tell his wife that “Fred” is part of this group because of some dust up that dad’s wife had with Fred’s wife over the friendship of the sons back in junior high.</p>

54

<p>LOL - Didn’t realize dads get dragged into this also.</p>

55

<p>I can’t believe that this has happenned to so many people! One of my closest friends just cut me off and her daughter cut my daughter off…they were very close. I asked the mother if I had done anything to offend her in any way ( I do believe in dealing with things head on) and she gave me the, “Of course not…just super busy!” which to me was insulting. They just left town a month ago without basically telling anybody and people all over town were calling me saying, " She dumped me years ago but you were close. Where did they go?" and I had to laugh and tell them that she’d dumped me, too! We all had a good laugh and head scratch about it. My daughter got over it more quickly than I did, ironically. This is a family we spent T’giving and XMas Eve with. Very odd.</p>

56

<p>This is a fascinating thread, particularly the many references to the “popular crowd.” My kids attended small gifted magnet schools, so the social dynamics were not quite typical and all their classmates were strong academically. But there was definitely a “popular crowd” who had matured earlier, were dating earlier, were good looking, athletic, and were also using drugs and alcohol earlier. </p>

<p>Grades 5-8 are probably the worst for hurt feelings while sorting out the social groupings. My guess is that Facebook makes things even more difficult, since kids can now see all the pictures of the parties they weren’t invited to. But overall, once past middle school, most kids just naturally gravitated towards the group they fit best.</p>

<p>These social divisions seemed more important to the girls – there has been plenty written about “mean girls” but not so much about “mean boys.” I remember my son and his friends laughing about the term “popular crowd” since their own crowd was actually larger and arguably more popular; but it was never an issue – kids just hung out with the group that suited them best and there was no animosity. There was definitely more drama involved with the girls and the boys seemed happily oblivious.</p>

57

<p>When my girls were in elementary school, there was a school phone book, that had some “filler” pages with useful facts, inspiring quotes, etc. One of the items was a list of the popular girls’ names, and the popular boys’ names for that year. Meaning, which names were most COMMON in the general population. But my (very young) daughters were dismayed to find their names weren’t on the list, which they thought was a list of the most popular kids at their school.</p>

58

<p>Thanks again everyone for all your insights, advice and personal stories. I drew strength in all of your posts before heading out to our little mom’s get together last night. I thoroughly enjoyed the evening and managed to be friendly with my neighbor friend. </p>

<p>My son did ask my friend’s son why he didn’t get invited. His first answer was because someone coming didn’t want him to invite him, then he changed his story to because sometimes my son cuts him down when they’re with a group of other friends. My son apologized for any hurt feelings and explained that it was just friendly joking. They both agreed that all was good and that they’re still friends. As much as I wanted to give my son the old age saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” I bit my tongue thinking he is the one who has to stand at the corner bus stop with this boy every school day for the next 5 years…and instead, told him I was very proud of him for clearing the air and handling an awkward situation with grace. Immediately after our conversation, he was back to his normal goofy self, hanging out with his close friends.</p>

<p>Spideygirl - your last post about “clever moms” pretty much described my neighbor friend to the T. Did I mention how she was a captain cheerleader in high school? This is by no means a general dig to cheerleaders. My best friend was a cheerleader and she is a beautiful person inside and out. But this neighbor friend fit the typical stereotype who can cleverly find the means to get her way. </p>

<p>I have to wonder if genetics have role in this. Is there a “popular” gene? Guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree after all. If that’s the case, my son makes me proud for the young gentleman he is becoming. </p>

<p>IloveLA - that school phone book story was great! That put a smile on my face…Thanks! It was a nice way to end this crazy week!</p>

59

<p>

</p>

<p>Sounds like he did just that. Two thumbs up!</p>

60

<p>Thanks for the update and feedback, Ginger40!</p>

<p>Sounds like both you and your son handled this with class in the end. Congrats! :)</p>

<p>We can’t control how others behave, only how we respond.</p>