Seriously, she can’t get out of jury duty?! How far away is her school? That doesn’t sound right.
For some reason, it is so painful to think of your child eating alone. I went through this with S. He had a rough 1st semester. The holiday breaks - even Thanksgiving was what he needed to regroup and go back ready and fresh. He graduated in 2014 and remains super close with a few guys he met that first year through all the turmoil.
Do whatever you can to get her to stay through this weekend. Call her, text her to help her through, encourage her to take a walk on or off campus, go shopping, get ice cream - whatever it takes to distract her and get her through 2 days - really, just a couple of days - she can do it! Each day of class will help her move along.
Speaking from my own experience a million years ago, Do Not Let Her Come Home! Lots of bonding and acclimating will go on those first weekends. Suggest she get out of her room and study, read, watch tv, etc. in common areas and make eye contact with people who go by. Say hello to the kids sitting near to her in classes and the kids in line with her in the cafeteria. The big thing is to not lock herself up in her room. She needs to get outside and go to the library, workout facilities, coffee shop, bookstore, anywhere. Joining clubs or getting a job can help. Hang in there, it will get better for you both.
She should be able to defer jury duty until winter break or the summer. A call is in order.
This is also my son’s experience. He had a single and when he got back to the dorm dinner time, most everyone has left. He didn’t eat in the cafeteria for many meals for that reason, instead he got “food” from the machines. I lost a lot of money on his meal plan. He called every night to say how miserable he was, very homesick. He couldn’t come home… school was on the opposite coast. We went for Parents Weekend, he came home at Thanksgiving and Christmas so we saw him every 6 weeks or so.
However he never said he wouldn’t go back.
Second semester was much easier, he found people with common interests, made many friends, joined a fraternity and never looked back.
It is very hard to see your kid start school like this, but be encouraging, listen to her problems, offer suggestions but I wouldn’t go to her school to pick her up. She belongs there and she will adjust, give it time.
You have time to contact the jury person in charge and explain that your D lives out of town and cannot come home at this time. She can at least get an extention. Explain that you need to understand how to have your D make contact to either get an extension or to be removed and that she did not understand.
Then, I suggest, that you go over on Sunday with homemade goodies and you two explore the dorm together.
Personally, I would call a lawyer to get her out of jury duty or at least ask what to do. No way should she have to travel out of town (I am assuming here) to attend jury duty. And what if it last more than one day?
My D cried for weeks 3,000 miles away at a school that I knew she would hate. Then she pulled herself together and transfered at semester and had the most amazing next 3.5 years. She would sit next to the furnace down in the basement when she called.
:(( But it all ended well (ha ha–going to THE school I had picked out of a book when she was a Junior and refused to apply to–but the transfer was her own idea and work).
What suffering we parents go through… hoping things take a good turn soon.
Hi Everyone…thanks SO much for all of your ideas and support. Things are better today, I called and got her postponed for jury duty until winter break! She went to the movies with her roommate and her friends and ended up sitting next to someone sitting by themselves and took the initiative to talk to her and now they are friends. Also talked to the roommate on the way back to the room and that went well too. Still hasn’t seen or met the RA, but they have a floor meeting tonight. Had a nice call yesterday and she sounded so much better. You all really helped me through a low point, I was ready to go get her that night and you talked me down, so thank you! So nice to hear that what she is going through is normal and will get better!
That’s great! There is nothing worse than having a crying kid on the phone and not being able to get to them. I hope things continue to improve. Sounds like she’s over the hump. Great that she took the intitative to talk to the girl who was alone.
She is adjusting to college life…there is something to be said for doing something new. I am surprised they didn’t have floor meetings already, with freshman that usually happens the first night after moving in, you meet the RA and so forth. Likewise, the school usually has events for the kids, socials and parties and movie nights and such, and those are worth going to.
I think the biggest piece of advice I would give the D in question is nothing happens by osmosis, and she has to be the active one, even if she tends to be shy or whatnot. One of the suggestions above was a good one, seek out others standing alone, and say hi, often great friendships happen like that, and they likely will be grateful to have someone to talk to.
I actually think the kids who go with friends from school end up with something of a handicap, while having people around you know can be comforting, it also can be crippling in some ways, and in many cases those kind of friendships seem to disappear.
I am glad to hear your D is doing better, I think she will be fine. It is still very early, once it really gets into the swing of things I am sure she will be fine.
How can you move into your dorm room and not meet your RA? How many students does one RA have to supervise that after 3 days on campus the RA has not shown up in person to speak with each student??!! This is what the RA gets paid to do. Not their job to hold your hand all semester, but a student who doesn’t even know who their RA is after 3 days?? Yikes!
Reading here on cc over time helps you realize that academics is only one part of choosing the best college for any particular child. Some schools have summer orientation on campus, others offer a week or more of “mini” classes to give you a better feel for the campus and let you meet other incoming freshmen.
PARENTS: help your child before freshman move in day have some kind of pro-active plan for meeting people. Scope out the clubs and intramural sports teams, etc. ahead of time. Explain to your child how they haven’t had to make new friends in a long time, but this is starting over with the very basics of personal interactions. Things they took for granted before are going to be as hard as, or harder than, the actual college classes.
Hugs to Everyone dealing with sad and lonely freshmen. If only we had the power to unite all these lonely kids with one another!!
My daughter was in the same boat and voila, the 4th day of class, she decided to be brave and try and strike up a conversation with a few people in her class. A few people brushed her off but she persevered and ended up with 3 new friends as of last night.
Just try to encourage her to remain positive and talk to people! I am POSITIVE that on that big of a campus, there has to be others that feel how she is feeling. She just has to find them. She can go up to people, post something on their class’s Facebook group, talk to people in clubs or class. Talk to others eating alone in the dining hall. It’s super scary at first, I’m sure, but it will be great once she opens up and makes some friends.
“Take me home, oh muddah fadduh, take me home, I hate Grenada
Don’t leave me out in the forest where I might get eaten by a bear.
Take me home, I promise I will not make noise or mess the house with
other boys, oh please don’t make me stay, I’ve been here one whole day.”
…
Wait a minute, it stopped hailing,
Guys are swimming, guys are sailing,
Playing baseball, gee that’s better,
Muddah Fadduh please disregard this letter!"
I am not trivializing the experience of going away to school and being lonely, but I thought this was apprapo to what kids go through going away, they may be 17 or 18, not 7 or 8, but same thing:)
mcm1985, so glad to hear that things are improving for your daughter. The coping skills and resiliency she is developing will serve her well.
On the other hand, my niece moved into her school (only 2 hours from home) on Friday. She missed home, her boyfriend, and the familiarity of her old routine. Classes started on Monday. Things didn’t improve. By Tuesday, she decided she didn’t like her dorm, roommate, classes, food, etc. Yesterday, my brother went to get her and bring her home - permanently. She lasted 5 days. She’s not my kid, but I keep thinking that most likely things would have improved if she’d given it some effort and time.
Sometimes things improve for kids and sometimes they don’t. My D was all the way across the country and had a horrible roommate situation in addition to not liking her choice of school as it was not academically what she wanted. We encouraged her to stick it out for the year, but for various reasons she decided to come home at Christmas. She was very down on herself for leaving, but for my D it has worked out well in the end. She is starting at UCSD next month as a transfer student and is happy as could be.