I just dropped off my daughter at school last Saturday and she is having a rocky start. She is in a suite room with 3 other girls, two were friends already and are pretty tight and never ask her to go anywhere. Her roommate doesn’t want to do anything with my daughter and doesn’t really talk to her much besides necesssary conversation.
She doesn’t know anyone else and is having difficulty meeting other students in classes or at other activities. She attended a club fair and may be okay once the ball gets rolling on some club meetings. She doesn’t have any friends going to the same school and it is the 2 largest school in the nation. She hasn’t met her RA or had any other dorm activities.
She calls crying at night about how hard the social part is. She wants to come home this weekend but is afraid if she does she won’t go back. She said the only relief she gets is when she is in class.
I don’t want to be a helicopter parent, but I am concerned. My college experience was very friendly right from the get go and I don’t know if I am being overly protective or too Pollyannaish to expect that after 3 days she should have had some positive experiences. She has to go to the dining hall alone and eats by herself. Any ideas?
It’s hard to understand because my experience was that you can’t move the first three boxes into your room without meeting 5 people and having two proposals to do something later. It’s surprising how prevalent similar complaints are on here.
Maybe this is a consequence of the (relatively) new intimate relationship some kids have found with inanimate electronic objects?
Some kids mistakenly feel like their roommates automatically will be their bffs. In reality, they only need to co-exist. If she doesn’t feel like any of these three girls are going to be a realistic social outlet, she needs to find a group/people who will be. Lots of other people are in her situation; she just has to find them. Tell her to keep going to club events and trying to find her peeps. Arrange a study group. Study in a common area where she can strike up a conversation. It will get better, but (((hugs))) to her mom.
Residence life and the RAs are paid to help with these situations. Perhaps you could call residence life and find out who your daughter’s RA is, then call the RA and ask her to make contact with your daughter and help her to build social bridges. Your daughter may be so overwhelmed, albeit very likely temporarily, that she is a bit stuck.
Just one dad, my experience was similar to yours, which is why I’m concerned. Youdon’tsay, I’ve told her the same, that rooming together doesn’t mean you will be buddies or friends. Thanks for reminding me that there are others out there in the same situation, and thans for the hugs…I needed that! This is turning out to tougher than I thought. I was prepared to deal with the empty nest, but not these types of struggles, especially after telling her how great college was going to be.
Do not let her come home for the weekend. Have her talk to the RA. There may be other lonely girls she can connect with. Suggest she study in the lounge or other public area.
Northern Mom, I contacted her dorm office and was given the usual speel about joining clubs. I asked if her RA could pop in and connect and was told dorm floor meetings would be coming later this week. Hopefully soon!
DO NOT let her come home. I hope by the end of the week, she will have found some girls on her floor and will have some plans for the weekend. One thing I learned from both my D and S. Sometimes they would call when they were ‘down’ and I would be filled with worry. They didn’t always bother to let me know when things had improved.
When she goes to the dining hall, have her look for another girl (or guy) sitting alone. She could ask to join her/him. Also, I think she should seek out her RA. She should be a friendly person to help.
KK mama she feels uncomfortable approaching her RA since he is a guy and she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing her feelings with a college guy she doesn’t know, as she hasn’t even seen or met him yet. I am going to encourage her to study in a common area. Her visit home is complicated by the fact that she has jury duty on Monday that they will not excuse her from.
Has the school already had sorority recruitment? If not, have her sign up. She may not want to join a house, but she’ll meet other students and at least get some ideas about activities at the school.
Another option? Get a job. Even a job for 8 hours a week will introduce her to other students working in the same place. There are often jobs in the library, coffee shops, Subway, department offices. Or even in her dorm. It will get her out talking to others, even if the talk is only about how much they hate the boss.
It is distressing to hear this from a child. My non-drinking, somewhat nerdy D ate her meals alone for most of her first semester, usually just finding someone else eating alone and asking them if it’s OK to sit with them. She eventually started making friends about half way through the semester, bonding over academics in her classes. Join study groups. One big plus is that most of her friends are great students. I guess a minus would be that not many could navigate a fraternity party. Now a soph, she couldn’t wait to get back to campus to see her friends.
Lots of kids show up with either a prior social group or an automatic one - marching band, sports team, greek rush, something to put them in close contact and share an experience. For others, it takes time and a little social effort. As long as she continues to be receptive, she will be absorbed into a sphere. It’s easy to be jealous of the queen bees and social butterflies, but, with hindsight, it usually works out. Support and love her, but she will be fine.
Wow,@mcm1985, seems strange that those dorm meetings don’t happen right away, the first night, so that these common struggles can be addressed. Sorry to hear that. Pushing clubs, and encouraging her to study in common spaces or the library may help.
If she comes home for jury duty, make not returning to school not an option ahead of time.
How has she not met the RA yet? How many students are on his floor? I cannot imagine that he did not come around the first day to introduce himself. IME RAs generally only have about 20-30 kids on a floor.
Is D a bit of an introvert? It’s hard to explain to an introvert (and I am one) who is waiting for someone to invite them to dinner that SHE could do the same to someone else. It honestly never occurred to me to make the first move like that.
Those are my thoughts exactly…I’m really surprised the RA hasn’t been around or had a floor meeting. Walked by his door about 5 times during move in and no sign of him. When I was in school, the dorm meeting happened the first day and I met my RA the first 1/2 hour I was there. Still haven’t got a definitive date for a floor meeting just sometime in the first week. My D is an introvert, which does make it tougher. And I agree on jury duty I thought being a full time student was an automatic exemption. I think I may have her come home Sunday night around 5, so she can experience the weekend activities. The more she puts herself out there with no results, the harder it is to get her to continue.
That RA experience is so counter to my kids’ experience, one at a LAC and one at a uni.
You said the school is the second-largest in the country … would you mind just naming it? So many people here have so much experience with so many colleges. Maybe we can get specific ideas from the group. If the school is that big, there’s little chance she can be identified.
