How is this relevant?
It’s good that you are considering your response in advance, instead of potentially blurting out something unfortunate at the wake or funeral. I agree with attending the wake. Avoid the funeral. If you know the wife and kids, then give them your condolences and keep the conversation to a minimum. Since this was an unexpected event, if necessary you can focus on words like “sudden” and “shocking”.
@HImom I have no problem with your response to a friend. I’m pretty sure you would have said something more circumspect to his wife or children.
It can be hard, we are in some ways bound by the old expression “say nothing ill of the dead” (the latin expression is better, but I don’t recall it well enough to use it). I tend to agree that when it comes to family and such, unless the family are a bunch of jerks as well, I can sympathize with their loss, and leave it at that.
It is never easy, I don’t know what will happen when my MIL finally passes away, on my part it isn’t dislike, it is absolute hatred (for a lot of reasons), and my wife is not exactly in love with her, either…fortunately we won’t have to deal with other people, there are no other family involved, and she didn’t have friends or anything either, but I am sure that I will have to deal with the emotional turmoil from my wife, but it will be all about her.
I always kind of like what Mark Twain said about this, “I would never wish anyone ill, but there have been more than a few people whose obituaries I read with pleasure”
My Irish grandmother always used the phrase “I am sorry for for your trouble” in times like this. The family can see int that statement what they wish. For some families the death can be a blessing, but in others it is the trouble.
I am not a good enough person to agree with the Twain remark that Musicprnt quoted, as there have been a few people in my life who I wished would have some ill fortune. I’ve also been happy/relieved to learn of a couple of deaths. In particular, when my rapist died of prostate cancer I was quite glad to hear that news.
My mother was physically and verbally abusive to me (and not to my brothers), and in later years she was abusive to my dad when he had Alzheimer’s and was helpless. After he died, she spread lies about me and played the victim role to the hilt. To dh, when I learned of her death, I said I was relived the witch was dead.
When it comes to people who have been jerks, I can sympathize with their loved ones and otherwise keep quiet.
@sylvan8798 , I assumed–perhaps wrongly–that the friend’s sexuality was at least partially the motive for the behavior. For some reason, to me that makes it even more repulsive.
@silpat:
I am not a good person either, when it comes to my wife’s parents especially, I would fail that mark, too, I could only wish the worst on both of them, if I could believe in a just god or karmic justice I would hope they are in hell or will end up there, but I doubt it, they got away with it in life, why not death, and were excused and covered up for by people whom I likewise hope meet a sordid end, if I met their families I wouldn’t be so kind.
Interesting thread. The world may be better off without the deceased but his children may not be.
Feel for his family.
But it sure sucks when the small town builds a memorial to a guy who was a tool just because he died young.
As a person of faith, I believe that I will stand before God one day. And I believe this is true for all of us. So when even a hateful person passes away, I try to think of this and to remember to be humble.
Honestly this is my feeling on this and this would be my wish.
If you didn’t care for me and respect me when I was alive please don’t come to my funeral and fake sorrow and compassion for my family.
It is better to not do or say anything and let the family mourn in peace instead of trying to keep up appearances.
Life is too short to hold on to anger and bitterness. What goes around comes around. Let that be positivity.
So many good responses. A friend commented on how nice it was her sister could come up with a nice obit for their mother. When their father died they did not bother with funeral stuff because, based on when their mo died (both 80’s), they figured there weren’t people to attend. When my 90 year father dies it will be a relief. If I’m on vacation will not cancel it.
Part of me was sorely tempted to write in the online condolences book about a stock broker whose death I read about in a small article in the local newspaper. The article mentioned some funny dealings, legal misdoings in his career in FL. The obit said nothing about his life/work back north- we lost money through his dealings and even gave depositions for the state. He left that state and started over in FL. So glad to not be a member of his family. Did nothing.
I figure if I die first people will come to my funeral for my H, if H dies first they will come for him. If any come- we can use the community clubhouse for free. Hopefully this will be decades from now and who will care then. Will have to figure out what to do with the ashes. We are not a religious/sentimental family.
OP- good to feel for the poor family (they had to live with him!). Now you can move on in your business world without him- hurrah.
I didn’t find out about my dad’s death until a month afterwards. My major feeling was one of relief. It was the day we were dropping D off at college for her first year and I decided not to tell her until she was settled in. At Thanksgiving Dinner, someone mentioned my dad’s death. My D said: “WHAT! Grandpa died?” and I realized that I had completely forgotten to tell her! She hadn’t seen my parents since two days before her 7th birthday. I found out about my mom’s death a year later, and only because H decided to call my sister to see if she was alive (I could not have cared less myself). Oops… I felt a bit sad about mom because she might have had a better life if she’d chosen a better husband. However, it’s now a family joke. When one of the kids goes away, the first they ask when they come back is, who died?
I didn’t sit shiva for my parents and I have not recited kaddish for them, either.
If my sister dies before me (assuming I find out about it), I will feel relief.
Hard to make that behavior even more repulsive, but I see your point.
OTOH, one shouldn’t make assumptions there. Is someone who is a jerk in public a saint at home? In reality, it’s often true that someone seen as a great guy is a jerk behind closed doors. How much more so the guy who doesn’t even hide his true self in public?
Louis Armstrong wrote a song long ago called, “I’ll be glad when you’re dead, you rascal you”. It was famously covered by Louis Prima, amongst others. I even found it on D3’s music list, covered by a young man from CA with a different musical take on it, but the same sentiment, lol!
Oh course Louis Armstrong is really nice about it, because he’s just always nice.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXm7FM7f1dU (LA)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsWCZ_wXjHs (LP)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dmfy_5nAH_U (Hanni el Khatib)
I think the OP’s post was really just a conversation starter because I think it’s pretty clear that the public reaction to anyone’s death should be a polite expression of sympathy or condolence. However, I don’t know if the OP’s question about how to “react” to the death included wanting advice on anything beyond words or if she was asking about actions such as attending the funeral (she said she didn’t want to pretend she was mourning his death) or bringing food to the family, etc. Actions are often expected in small towns. If that was the case, I guess if she was willing to attend the funeral, send flowers, or provide food for the grieving family it would be a very nice gesture, but I personally wouldn’t feel obligated to go that far.
@sylvan8798 , her being a lesbian likely * was * the motive for what he did…our friend certainly thought so, based on what he said as he motioned for her to walk over to his car .
It was a lewd act and he is lucky that she didn’t contact the police.