Today our small town was rocked a bit by the unexpected passing of a local community member and fellow small business owner. We once belonged to a business association that he was active in. We ( husband and I ) didn’t see eye to eye with some mutual projects and as a result , we cut our ties with the group. He was a big reason why we left the organization , both for professional reasons as well as something he did that crossed a line that could have landed him in a heap of trouble legally ( he exposed himself in a sexual manner to a close friend of ours , who happens to be a lesbian )
I feel bad for his wife and two children , who are college age…but I don’t want to pretend that he was an upstanding citizen and that we mourn over his death .
I don’t ever recall being in such a situation…how are we supposed to react publicly ?
React to the loss experienced by the family. The wife lost a husband and the children lost a father. Center your comments on concerrns for their well-being.
You can express your condolences to his survivors. They probably held him in higher regard than you did (let’s hope!) and are mourning their loss. If asked directly, it’s fine to say “we had our differences but he meant the world to Wife and I can only imagine how tough this is for her.”
@austinmshauri is right. You are not showing respect for the deceased. You are showing sympathy for the remaining family and people who knew the deceased. To some extent when someone dies we all remember our own mortality as well, and show respect for the sanctity of life and the inevitably of death.
Agreeing with all of the above. Your sympathy and heart is with the family. You don’t have to fake-praise the deceased- just redirect the conversation to the survivors if it comes up.
I had something slightly similar happen to me recently. A friend forwarded the obituary of someone who was instrumental in my being fired from my company after 22 years. I responded - too bad, so sad it didn’t happen 11 years ago. My friend said that he hadn’t realized I was still so angry; neither had i.
In the OP’s case, I would probably skip the funeral and the wake or the shiva unless I can’t for business reasons. Then, I would go, pay the least amount of time possible and say only “I am sorry for your loss.”
Small town life…sigh. I wondered why you even considered this situation as a problem until I read your post again ans noticed the “our small town” part. I agree with ^^. If anything is said that requires a reaction, just repeat what you said in your post: “I feel so bad for his wife and children”. Those are true and kind words.
When Jessie Helms passed away and she was asked for her reaction Hilary Clinton said " Its always sad when someone dies."
But seriously expressing sympathy for his family makes the most sense.
A bully who physically beat me died and my HS classmates were mourning his death. I hadn’t known until one of his buddies asked me wasn’t I sad and I only said I’m sorry, I have hard time mourning someone who beat me physically and made my life miserable for many years. It was definitely not the reaction that was being sought but it was all I could think of of say on the matter. I did say I was sad another classmate died, as he was always a good and kind person.
I don’t recommend my response but it was my only honest thought and feeling, then and now about that person.
^I had the same reaction when a HS classmate passed away from cancer in his mid-20s. What a mean bully! Fortunately, nobody ever asked me my opinion about him after he died.
It is always appropriate to express and feel sympathy for the survivors. Unfortunately I only felt relief and no sympathy and hadn’t had time to come up with a polite response to the bully’s passing.
Sometimes it’s a relief for more than one reason. FIL had a difficult brother, and he was miserable for the last few years of his life. Too bad he made it his job to make everyone else even more miserable (something he had worked on for his whole life, or so it seemed). We all breathed a sigh of relief that he was finally “at peace”.
When my mother died all I felt was relief as did my brother and his wife.
It was tough when I received condolences from friends–and one who knew better and I called her on it–.
In particular, a neighbor friend of my mother’s send me a letter telling me what a wonderful
person mom was–when all I had heard for years from mom was criticism of this friend (more
my age than my mother). I simply could not respond in any honest way so left it alone.
She was a good friend and guess I should have just said that to her.
I agree with sticking with the sorry for the wife and kids–that is honest and true.
In this case expressing sympathy for the family seems right. However, sometimes if you have nothing good to say, then it is better to say nothing at all.
I can recall a case of someone dying when I quietly in private to myself sang “ding dong the witch is dead”, but to other people said nothing.
Personally, I don’t feel either of you have anything to apologize for or regret if the deceased caused caused a serious degree of pain or violently assaulted you.
If nothing else, it’s honest…especially if the one asking knew of or should have known the deceased was a violent bully or caused one serious problems such as losing one’s job.
There was an account of relatives carving an exceedingly honest appraisal of the deceased:
http://www.pressherald.com/2017/02/14/brutally-frank-obit-gives-dad-what-he-deserved/
I think it’s fine to be ambivalent about someone’s passing. However, I cannot imagine taking delight in someone’s death. I can see finding relief when it’s a difficult personality who you cannot avoid like a parent.
I would not mention the differences at all. A simple " I feel bad for his family" will do.
As for attending the services/funeral/shiva , showing up (even briefly) means a lot to the family, I would go.
This is not a situation specific to small towns. I live in a suburb of a large city and this situation has happened to me. It can be someone in a workplace (as mentioned upthread) or a neighborhood, or really any group of people who know each other well.
@rom828, I’m glad you have lived such a pleasant life.
Some of us are less fortunate. We have encountered people whose deaths we would relish. But we wouldn’t say it in public, and the thought emphasize in this thread – that the death is a very difficult experience for those closest to the person – is legitimate.
Actually, @Marian assuming I’ve had a pleasant life would be just that - an assumption. Rejoicing in someone else’s misery has never brought me joy. I’m not judging anyone who feels differently and clearly YMMV.
We experienced this with my MIL’s passing. She was abusive on many levels to both DH and me. DH didn’t mourn and didn’t do shiva. This happened a few months after I was diagnosed with leukemia, and I told DH that his lack of reaction was telling the kids things about mourning that weren’t necessarily appropriate to their level of understanding (they were 10 & 11 at the time and had never experienced their grandmother’s wrath), esp. since both were actively thinking about the subject.
He wound up explaining to them some basics about the relationship he had with his mother, and that it was OK for them to feel scared or worried about me, but that we would face whatever happened as a family.
There have been times when I’ve made a shiva call out of duty. I’m ok with that. Shiva is for the surviving family. I just process my emotions outside of the funeral context.