<p>I cannot quite seem to find my footing here. If I were advising myself, I know all the answers. But I cannot figure out how to advise the person holding the two degrees and lots of options. I am not sure if I should just listen quietly and support, or, if I should offer firm, clear advice.</p>
<p>What do you do when the adult child asks for advice, or wants to talk through career choices - how do you decide when to lead, and when to get out of the way?</p>
<p>So far I have just been listening, and not offering anything concrete back…</p>
<p>I think the advice need to mimic how we help them pick the one college to go to after all the acceptances are in: listing the pros and cons; going with the gut!</p>
<p>I rarely can ‘just listen’ but I tend to play Devil’s advocate. I counter a positive comment with a consideration of a drawback, and mention a perk to counter a negative observation.
It’s not real guidance but it does lead them to their ‘gut’.</p>
<p>I think the answer is yes, and yes (not to be confusing). There are times when it is appropriate (with their explicit or implicit approval) to give advice, and there are times when it is appropriate to just listen.</p>
<p>Since this seems to be an ongoing issue for many parents and adult children, it’s often helpful, when the child opens the door for the conversation to just be direct, “Sounds like you’ve been thinking about this some more. I’d love to hear what you’ve been thinking, or what’s changed in your thinking since you talked to me about it last time.” Then listen. After they’re done, then ask, “I’m more than willing to be a sounding board for you if you want, or I can just listen and let you vent.” And in the back of you mind, you remind yourself that most of us, when given the chance to say our peace out loud, and hear ourselves talking, generally come up with our own game plan. We just need the venue for that talking in such a way that forces us to string our thoughts together. I have found that when my kids genuinely want my advice, they will ask me directly what I think.</p>
<p>I think listening is the best option. There is nothing better than talking to someone who really cares to listen. My own mother’s actions taught me that.</p>
<p>I’ll bet being a sounding board is very helpful, being able to run some ideas past you for you to notice any red flags or otherwise point out things they may not have considered sounds good. For me, talking to someone about a plan and its pros and cons is helpful, I’m thinking as I’m talking and it helps me organize my ideas/feelings. This reminds me of reading about introverts and extroverts who see a counselor- the extrovert will talk a lot and thank the counselor for solving their problem when all the counselor did was listen, another scenario for the introvert.</p>
<p>^^Makes sense. My daughter is uber-extrovert - gives me way too much detail, so, I just let her talk. Sometimes I have to wait an hour or two to get a word in anyway lol. </p>
<p>She isn’t having any particular problem, just not making enough money, and, while she is doing an excellent job managing her life (IMO), I see some train wrecks coming. </p>
<p>It’s hard for me to try to decide if I should warn her, or if I should let the trains wreck…the issue being, ah, it seems like she’s smarter than me - she has been right more than a few times when I would have strongly advised otherwise…</p>
<p>I’m not at all sure she wants to know what I think. I think perhaps she just wants to talk…</p>
<p>My mother will never, ever give me advice even when I ask very directly for her opinion on some really serious life issue. She always responds that she won’t tell me her opinion because then I might resent her later. Well that’s just a risk I think she should be willing to take. I actually am very resentful about the refusal on her part to offer an opinion when asked and I have told her so. She still refuses to give advice (and only marginally listens, which may be part of the problem).</p>
<p>I have been so bothered by my mother’s approach that I am always free with sharing my opinions. It hasn’t seemed to be a problem–my kids feel comfortable just taking that as one more item to consider–in part because it’s a frequent occurance and therefore not a big deal. Here’s my opinion, here’s H’s opinion, here’s xyz’s opinion–do with it what you will.</p>
<p>I think it’s best to not give too many opinions, even though that is difficult for me. I usuall take the devil’s advocate approach mentioned above, thoughI might advocate more (or is it against?) one position.</p>
<p>One thing my father said to me more than 20 years ago, when I asked him for advice about my first semi-professional job, was “You’ve made really good decisions up to this point. Just do what you think is best.” I count that as probably the greatest compliment he’s ever given me. Showed pride in my previous accomplishments and trust that I had good judgment. He is not one who is effusive with the praise, so those words were like gold to me.</p>
<p>I handle my kids differently, based on what I see as their strengths and weaknesses. My oldest, the “brain”, has to be encouraged to go with his gut. My second, “the artiste”, has to be reminded to think things through. H and I try to offer them our vantage point from 30 years out, but with a reminder that youth brings it’s own advantages, and not to discount their own thoughts and feelings.</p>
<p>If I saw a train wreck coming, I know I wouldn’t be able to keep quiet about it. It might depend on the severity and certainty of the wreck, though. I’m willing to let my kid make different financial decisions from me, for example. My oldest recently informed me that I shouldn’t ever expect him to get wealthy because his heart is in public-sector work. That’s fine with me, if he’s happy. My second is a musician, so we’re not counting on wealth anyway. :)</p>
<p>My MT D2 has repeatedly told us that anything above living in a cardboard box will be considered a success. And I spend many days concerned about her future. She stayed on campus this summer as she was cast in a summer musical theatre summer stock her school offers every summer (she also got an office job on campus). This week, she began a two week nighttime bartending class at the only licensed bartending school in the state. I had very mixed reactions about her choosing to do this - we’re talking about a kid who was a NMF and was hugely successful with her SAT and ACT (please, any bartenders on this forum, please do be offended by my opinions!). Most parents would be thinking medical school/law school/any professional school… EXCEPT bartending school. But, I have to trust she has gotten this far with good instincts, AND the ability to recognize a bad decision and make the best out of it.</p>
<p>Youdon’tsay has the perfect anecdote for this situation, and I’ve used it myself with my kids. I never heard anything like that from my parents, and wish I would have; it took me well into my late 30s before I began to see that for myself and learn to tell it to myself. I want my daughters to learn it much younger than I did.</p>
<p>LTS-- I have been following your other thread for a long time, and, like others, am totally in awe of your strength and the fabulous relationship you and your daughter have. So, it’s ironic that you are feeling uncertain how to advise her at this moment. I am sure you will find the right words, or the right ears. I would not say that to everyone, probably not even to myself, but she and you seem to be on the same wave length. We all have rough patches at times. Yours happens to be a whopper, but she is there for you, and as tough as she has been on you, with a huge dose of well-meaning in there, you can be the same to her. Honesty seems to work best for everyone, and your daughter seems to be a beautiful example of handling big decisions. How did the big “affair” with the gorgeous dress go?? I think everyone on CC has you in his/her heart at the moment; you and your daughter are some amazing team!</p>
<p>teriwtt, I can’t tell you how much those words meant to me. I was the first in my family to go to college. Dad dropped out in sixth grade and mom in eighth grade. I think he felt like he’d advised me as much as he could and that I was entering worlds he’d never dreamed of. It was a bittersweet moment.</p>
<p>LTS- I agree w/many others have stated, it is now our job to enable our kids to make their best decisions. When my Ds call for advice, I do not tell them what to do, but I do point out all the pros & cons I can think of, sometimes I will editorialise of tell of decisions I made that did or did not go as expected, but I try to keep it balanced.</p>
<p>I have faith my kids can make good decisions, but it does not hurt to bounce things off some one more experienced to ensure one is fully considering all aspects of the option.</p>
<p>Sometimes I disagree with D’s decisions, but at least I know that much thought has gone into them.</p>
<p>I would be likely to point out potential train wrecks. I always tell my kids you don’t have to worry about all the good things that could happen, any one can live with the upside, it is living with the downside that is hard, so look at what could go wrong, are you willing to risk that and live with those consequences? Then I tell them to go with their gut.</p>
<p>Sometimes they also practice the words of a conversation with me- if it is likely to be difficult or stressful, esp D2 likes to hear it all said out loud and figure out how to best represent herself without sounding immature.</p>
<p>LTS, your gut has worked pretty well all along, I suppose we should tell you to go with your gut now But you gut does not seem to be your best friend this past week! :D</p>
<p>Thank you very much for all of the responses. I am still thinking this through. I am not worried about my daughter, but, it’s hard to choose to sit quietly and listen. I suppose, though, that we all made career missteps in the beginning - sometimes in multiples. </p>
<p>Franglish, we are very much on the same wavelength, even in matters outside of career. We had a chance to talk about the presidential election last night, and I was intrigued to discover that we are going to make our decisions about who will get our vote based on the exact same decision methodology. (I am pleased that she is evaluating this carefully.)</p>
<p>The graduation - it was wonderful. </p>
<p>Binx, my style is more to let the train wreck happen, believing it’s better to learn from it. Of course, if the anticipated damage looks as if it may not be reversible, that’s another matter…</p>
<p>^^ Yep. She turned down a promotion offer at work, because she does not want that particular career path. I think that’s o.k. - but it’s a small train wreck. IMO she should have taken the promotion for the resume value, and, it’s kinda goofy to turn down more money when one is barely scraping by…</p>
But you gut does not seem to be your best friend this past week! :D</p>