When you strongly disagree with your child's school choice

Parents Forum
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Another idea. Help this kid craft a varied application list. It should include one parent choice (that can be the Christian college), and one student choice (maybe OSU…assuming that is Oklahoma, right). No need for student and parent to agree on these.

Then find 6 -8 other choices that you all can agree on (both parents need to be on the same page). These colleges should be OK with kid and parents. Ideally, they should be places where the student will likely get accepted and costs are affordable.

Kid needs to research to find these places…except the parent choice.

Both kid and parents need to be open minded about all places where kid applies. All!

Submit the applications and see what happens. Final matriculation decision doesn’t need to be made until end of April.

Another thing to check is whether any of the schools will allow the student to defer enrollment for a year in case that becomes a favored option. Some schools do, and some schools don’t.

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Is it really about Greek Life? Or is it about her not wanting to be “limited” to a Christian School? Is she exploring her religion or lack thereof?

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As a parent, I find it harmful to compare my children to each other. They each have their way of living their lives that is completely different from their other siblings and it should not be used against them.

Our eldest is a very rules-oriented child. I know that if she’s given a task to complete, it will be completed immediately, efficiently and correctly. She gets impatient with things that aren’t done according to her standards and has burned a few bridges with roommates. She likes and lives by her rules. I can’t compare her to my other two.

Our middle child was always our 60s child. When she was in elementary school, we had to make sure we left the house 45 minutes earlier to walk to school. (The school was a distance of 10 minutes- so, the eldest left with a neighbor every morning). The middle child was so busy looking at flowers, birds, colors, etc. and appeared to be completely unaware that she was on her way to school. Rules and timelines just didn’t work for her.

Our youngest was/is quiet, efficient, and always wanted to be happy. He’s very methodical and is always trying to please his family and friends. This is a child who raced home, after school, because he had given his lunch to another child who didn’t have a lunch, so we had to pack him two lunches every day. He always received sports and academic awards for being kind, well liked and respected. He wanted to go to schools where he could be a help.

These personalities have stayed with them and all three receive and do things in their own manner. Each child has been successful because they learned how to work within their own system and we learned we couldn’t force anything differently.

The point is, each child cannot be compared. You’ve set up your elder daughter as the “goddess”, and the example, to which you want your younger child to aspire to, and that’s not going to happen. If anything you’re building resentment and that’s not fair to you and your children.

As parents, of “adult” children, we can’t control every minute of what happens once they leave our home. What we do hope is that the example we have set, in our daily routines, is some thing that they will use to judge right and wrong.

If our middle child had been asked, or limited, to our choices for colleges, there is no way we would have seen her thrive. The limits, that we gave to all three, were that they had to stay within the college budget.

Also, from my personal experience, the people who choose speech and language pathology, as a major, are really driven. This is a tough major because it requires lots of research and reading - daily, @thumper1 can attest to that. You make friends immediately because you have to work together to capture all of the information for this major. In other words, for this major, you have to hit the ground running. She will be extremely busy just trying to keep up with the workload.

I have to agree that you need to loosen the leash a little. If you give her an inch, she may take a mile, but she will ultimately have to take responsibility for her adult actions. Did she get the 18-year-old “adult” speech? The scary “whatever you do, over the age of 18, cannot be fixed by anyone but you?” It hits them with a dose of reality. Our high school offered it to kids and whatever parent wanted to listen to it.

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To the OP - - if you are of a religious worldview, and you want to encourage that in your child, I would say there is nothing wrong with encouraging or requiring a Christian college.
Have you seen what goes on in the Greek lifestyle? I personally would be very careful of that. Especially with a daughter who is young / immature / easily caves to peer pressure. Because a lot can go wrong there.
Just my opinion.

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I really appreciate all the comments, but we are getting off track here assuming that I am a mom who compares her kids and worships one and belittles the other and that’s where the problem is. Too overprotective and not trusting? May be. But if you only knew how many reasons she gave me for this in the last 6 months. I am aware that I am not at my best right now either and I am working on this. I do see my kids as unique individuals. Of course, I am aware of the differences between them and I am proud of D1 accomplishments (how could I not be), but I am just as proud of the younger one. There are many things D2 is better at than her sister. Better athlete, a talented singer, very perceptive at times, lots of personal characteristics that make her a lot of fun to be around when she is in the good place. But she is also my extremely sensitive and anxious one. I really don’t care that her GPA is 0.2 lower than her sister’s. I don’t care she is not in IB, because she is in AP and dual credit instead. I don’t care she is “just” (not my words) in the top 13%. I don’t care sister was a straight A student and the younger one got a couple of Bs in high school. But she cares. She is in an extremely competitive ISD and those kids know how to do psychological warfare on each other. The reason the older one chose a women’s college was because she was feeling deficient and put down by her male classmates in spite of all her accomplishments. So, yes, there’s definitely a self-esteem problem, but it is not coming from me. And yes, she is in treatment and therapy. D2 had a very difficult time with the whole COVID situation. Social isolation is not something she deals with well. That’s why I am hesitant about a gap year. She is really at her best in a group of peers with similar values. She is really not herself right now. That’s why I hesitate about going with what she wants right now. Hopefully, when she goes back to school, it will get better. That’s the reason why I want a Christian college for her - she does not need the additional stress of dealing with social pressure right now. And I do believe there’s pressure associated with Greek life. She’s just not strong enough for it right now. I completely agree that the only way for her to mature is to try it out on her own and make her own mistakes. But I would rather have that happen in a safer environment of a Christian college. I was not thinking like this a year ago. I was ready to let her go, but now with everything that happened in the last 6 months nobody could blame me for being too overprotective and hovering. And she is going to apply to other colleges. It was never a matter of “it has to be a Christian college or nothing at all” deal for me. But I would like to see a little bit more thought going into it than just listening to other people when she is in a such fragile state. @thumper1 Yes, our local public university is within commuting distance and there’s even a reputable speech pathology program there. She’ll apply, but I don’t know if her scores are good enough to get it and she’s not really excited about it anyway, but we’ll at least try. It actually would be the most affordable option. And we are definitely going to delay the decision until later.

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@Dream25 That’s exactly where I am coming from. Thank you for understanding.

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Have her apply to many schools. If the most important thing for her is to do in person classes, it may be that she wants to attend one of your choices as they have in person classes and OSU is still remote (or limiting living on campus options). We’ll all know more by next spring. which schools can offer on campus, or maybe the college near your house has in person classes but no living on campus. Who knows.

Your kids sound like me and my sister. She was tops in her class and looked at Smith, MHC, and at first attended Middlebury (she later transferred to U of Wis- turned out she wanted the big school too). I wanted none of that. I wanted a big school with Saturday football and it turned out I wanted the sorority too (didn’t know it at the time, but really enjoyed it and still do). I really didn’t care that my sister was smarter than me (really didn’t) but I wanted to pick the college I thought was right for me too. I wanted big, fun, exciting, lots of friends.

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Be careful not to get into a vicious cycle of increasing parental control and increasing teenage rebellion.

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You mentioned that the older daughter is in therapy. Is the younger daughter also? I would repeat the suggestion that I made earlier that you yourself might get some help from a counselor. Difficult times for all of us right now, and I found a therapist helpful for the transition of one of my kids. As I wrote before, there are Christian therapists. The Psychology Today “find a therapist” site has a filter for that :slight_smile:

I would ask: what is the worst that can happen if your daughter chooses a college that makes you worry? What are your specific areas of concern? Alcohol, sex, lack of focus? You don’t have to answer here. Some of us have had a kid or two that struggled or bottomed out, but things worked out. I just hope you can find some kind of bottom line feeling of safety.

I always think about the Amish custom of sending their kids out into the world, where they can experience freedom, and then choose to stay out of the community or choose to come back. Maturity involves internal motivation. Your daughter may or may not redefine her religion. But in some sense parallel to that Amish custom, she will have to leave the safety of home and decide who she is.

Kids learn as much from mistakes and failures, and gain resiliency that way. it is a hard road for everyone. But there is just no other way to grow up.

If you think she needs another year, there are gap year activities that can help her mature. If COVID allows. Many churches have service missions. I know young people who have worked in orphanages in Costa Rica, done wilderness training with NOLS, or driven a jeep for Frontier Nurses in Appalachia. Or she can work locally.

COVID is so hard on young people- well on all of us. I hope that a therapist can help with this situation. I think that with privacy concerns, it is hard to tell us many details and since we don’t know you, it kind of becomes beyond the scope of the forum.

Your concerns are well-founded and shared by many parents in different ways. The question is whether they should limit your daughter’s choice, or whether you should loosen up and honestly I cannot tell on this CC thread !

It is clear, however, that she is lucky to have you.

Good luck!

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While I personally chose a school that did not have greek life, I have also heard friends who spoke of their sorority’s wonderful volunteer and other community activities. Many sororities have the same values of community service that you may have in your religious beliefs. Better to be open minded, IMO, or you might drive a wedge between you and your daughter. Sure, you are paying for her college experience, but don’t hold that over her head as your right to make the decision. Use it as an opportunity to discuss and problem solve together.

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Encouraging is very different from requiring @Dream25 and your view on Greek life is pretty reactionary and smacks of scaremongering. I personally am no fan at all of Greek Life, but there is something to be said for the vast majority of people who go through the Greek system and emerge just fine, or more than just fine.

My understanding is that, aside from frat parties, the main goal of the Greek system is to, according to a well-known Greek Life school, “Strengthen the scholarship of our members, Promote brotherhood and sisterhood, Develop leadership and Engage the college with community service.” By and large, that is what Greek Life does.

In addition, it leads to future networking connections that help with careers, and it fosters lifelong friendships. My 83 year old dad is still friends with his “brothers” from college. I am friends with not one single person I went to commuter college with. Anyway, this isn’t to defend Greek Life, but to let the OP know that it’s not some big, bad boogeyman. There are plenty of kids in Greek Life who are Christian and go to church.

OP, I’ve read your response and this is what I’m hearing: “Yes, I know, but I want her to go to a Christian College. I’m worried, even if she isn’t.” This sounds to me 100% about your worries, not hers. Maybe this time we live in right now has made her want to live a little more. Maybe she realizes this is who she is, not who you want her to be. Why is that a bad thing? At the very least, let her choose other colleges if you won’t let her go to OSU.

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I know parents who chose to delay the college decision. For many of them, some final straw incident drove the decision, but they were wavering and concerned all during that last year

The kids seemed to have no interest in academics, just sticking with a standard line of plans, showing no effort in researching options. Academic performance waning. Cutting class, getting into trouble, showing lack of maturity. My cousin was really worried about spending what was going to mean financial hardship for them, on a kid who was looking at going away to college as social event and getting away from parental and high school constraints. So when said kid got into trouble , breaking rules, and senior report showed little effort and interest, they painfully pulled the “go away to college” option. Cousin told me she was doing all of the work in that area. She wanted son to want it, work for it, earn it, and realized she was enabling otherwise. He did take a gap year

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Glad there is a local affordable choice. It’s an option.

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Some alarmism here? Sheesh.

I don’t disagree with looking for a “soft landing” for her girl while she matures a little more. Not throw her straight into the fire.

She knows her D. Why can’t this be as simple as she feels some environments might “eat the kid alive?” Why does that make her Bad Mom?

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I understand where you are coming from. The desire to protect, especially an emotionally fragile kid, is strong. I really liked the idea of having the student do the research and come up with a spreadsheet and keep an open mind. let the student do the work and feel in control of their situation. I mostly have a few tidbits re: Greek life from our journey with my two Ss.

H and I are anti-frat and have made no secret about that. We are familiar with the big school frat party scene at our big public uni. However… Then older S went to a small LAC where ~90% of students are involved with Greek Life. I also did not want him to be a loner. So, when he decided to join one, we let him. I told myself at his school they seemed tamer, and according to S, his was not one of the bigger party frats. I’m sure they did party, but he kept his grades up. And, it was through his frat connections that got him his internship junior year. And it was from there that he sought out and got his job after graduation. And, it was also a frat connection that drove him 3 hours each way to help him buy his first suit. (H and I no nothing about real suits. H has owned 3 in his adult life, all from Penney’s that he wears to funerals and weddings.) He is also now rooming with a frat brother that helps keep his expenses reasonable in a high COL area. Being involved with his frat was definitely a positive move for him.

OTOH, younger S is at a large public, much like my own. It does have a reputation of being a party school. H & I did NOT want him to join a frat, but when we told him that, he balked. Of course, that would make H dig in harder, so I had to have him butt out and go away. Upon further discussion, S said that he just wanted to keep his options open. I told S that we would not let him join his first semester. If he came home with a 4.0 or close to it, we would talk. Fortunately, after his first semester he found his friends and had no interest. I really don’t think he would have joined. He just wanted to feel in control of his life.

The other piece to our personal puzzle is that we have a pot of $$$ to cover roughly 3 years of in-state public school. The kids knew that any $$$ left over was theirs to keep. Frat $$$ comes out of that pot. Older S was fine with paying for it. He still got a good chunk of change upon graduation, and is very good at earning his own $$$ in weird ways. Younger S isn’t as good with his earnings, but I think he wants to optimize his $$$ after graduation. I’m sure that was a big incentive for him.

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Have you considered a smaller state school, for example, UNT? I absolutely adore Denton and UNT seems to attract nice, well-rounded students. It has Greek life but it’s not nearly as pervasive as at OSU.

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quote, immature, who changes her mind a lot (and then tells me I should have been firm and made her do what I thought was right) and who is easily swayed by other people opinions (just not parents’ opinion).

[/quote]

Why not let her take a gap year? She could look for a job and/or volunteer. That would give her time to mature.

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The way I look at it is we get to raise our kids for 18 years, giving them the skill sets for them to make their own decisions when they are adults. Sometimes we need to trust them that they know what they want in adulthood and to support their decisions the best we can. Kids will thrive at many different types of colleges, let her make her own decision(s). I’m sure she will be just fine. It’s not easy but we as parents need to “launch and let go”…

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I will say my D’19 who was very stubborn about college options and easily swayed by the shallow and shiny, really changed a lot over senior year and came around to the school that I made her keep in consideration. It literally met her entire wish list and budget. But she was resistant to it for a long time, mainly because it was semi-local. She kept coming with new ideas but the majority were too expensive or didn’t meet some key component of her list.

She wanted Christian, but they were over budget. We did check out religious options at each campus. She was briefly interested in sororities, and on one visit we asked a local pastor about the Christian sorority on campus and he sort of advised against it- not like it would be an awful thing but his personal opinion would have been to not join. Now where she’s at, a small public, she goes to church and has a Bible Study group. And a circle of friends to play Wii and board games with (no partying necessary). After being on campus she has no interest in sorority life.

Just saying my D was insistent on a lot of things at the stage your D is at, that she totally changed her mind on later. I’d just listen, be practical when you have to, keep an open mind for now.

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Just to add, my sorority experience definitely included partying but also, all these years later, absolutely amazing connections. My closer group gets together each year, traveling from all over the world. I wouldnt ever trade it.