When you think you might need to get a lawyer involved (what to document, etc.)

Parent Cafe
1

I need some cooler heads to help advise me on a serious situation.

The short of it: My daughter was recorded in a bathroom stall by another student yesterday. DD was about to exit the stall and thus fully clothed. Her friend in the stall next to her was on the toilet when she was recorded by a second student. I do not believe the school is handling it well.

The longer of it (presented after much editing):
DD was upset and immediately reported it to her coach. (The two girls videotaping play the same sport but are on a higher team.) The girls admitted what they’d done and gave a lame apology. My husband, DD, and I decided we would not let this drop. If it had been boys doing it, they would have been arrested. DD didn’t feel any less violated by the gender of the offenders. Why should girls be allowed to just apologize? I called DD’s counselor (I trust her) and she said it had to go to a certain administrator. The coach had reported it to the Athletic Director as well.

Later today, the administrator pulled my daughter out of class and interviewed her - with the school resource officer - without notifying me. Later on I got a call from the administrator who said that during the interview, my daughter had admitted that this had happened to her before, only it was a different girl doing it and she had been caught with her pants down. So they talked to my daughter about “advocating for herself” and talking to the girl directly. The impression I was left with was that somehow this second incident is because my daughter didn’t stand up for herself the first time! I was stunned.

Later, the head coach had a talk with all the teams and said that if something like this happens again, anyone who does it will be kicked off the team. She then announced a mandatory meeting with administrators tomorrow and said that anyone who is late will sit out tomorrow’s game. One of the girls that videotaped my daughter yesterday then got pulled up from JV to play with Varsity. So, videotaping someone in bathroom stall = warning for whole team, reward for individual. Being late to meeting = benched. Victim gets labeled a snitch. (Although some are standing by her.)

Here’s the kicker. Earlier this year I brought evidence of hazing within the program to the athletic director. (They were stupid enough to videotape it and share it over group chat.) My daughter has no idea I reported this, and I truly believe that no one else knows it was me. The Athletic Director said he handled it, but the only consequence was getting lectured. IMO, he did not deal with the “culture problem” as he’d called it.

And since I know I’ll be asked - I don’t have any videos. What I do have is a screenshot from the big sister of one of the girls involved telling DD that she made her sister delete the video and apologizing for the sister. And oh, the other girl’s dad is a teacher. Apparently he laughed about it.

I’m at a loss. My husband thinks we need to write a letter with our complaints and have a lawyer look it over and send it. I’m sick to my stomach over all of this and I need cooler heads to help guide me so I’m reaching out to the parents here. All I want is an end to the victim-shaming and discipline for the offenders that is more than a slap on the wrist.

If you made it this far, thank you.

2

My head wouldn’t be very cool either. I’d pay a visit to my lawyer to explore the options. If police officers show up at the school to interrogate the offenders, I’m certain the dad won’t find that so funny.

3

Yeah, this is awful, and you’re right to be furious. I hope your daughter is okay.

4

If this happened to your daughter twice, it has happened many more times overall. There is truly a bad culture in that team and the coach and other school officials should deal with it very seriously. All involved should be off the team for the rest of the year, at a minimum. Instead, they’ve sent a message of sloppy enforcement and downright enabling to all the kids.

I don’t know what you should document, but document everything you can think of. Write down everything you can remember with dates and names as best you can remember them. Write down everything that happens from now on, with as much detail as you can. Keep the screenshot, of course.

Have a talk with your D and have her write everything down too that she remembers. Tell her she doesn’t have to show it all to you if she doesn’t want to (yet). There may be other things she hasn’t told you.

So sorry for what you’re going through!

5

Stop screwing around. Go directly to the Principal and then the Superintendent if needed. They have the power to make something happen. Getting a lawyer is premature at this point.

You don’t have the power to dictate punishment. You may or may not agree with it. As long as it’s somewhat reasonable you’ll have to accept it.

6

Document, document, document. Speak with the principal. Then the superintendent. Then (if your daughter is willing) maybe mention that you have a pal who works in the press. Odd how mentioning connections with the fourth estate can get adults to shape up.

Hug the kids involved. They did not deserve this #metoo experience.

7

I ALMOST agree with @yourmomma . Stop screwing around. Go directly to the Principal,calling the Athletic director and the counselor. Getting a lawyer and some advice is NOT premature at this point. But that appointment takes a bit of time. So get the appointment for the lawyer and get the Principal by the lapels

And don’t let them blow you off because that also happens in the moment. Take lots of long breaths and let THEM talk without you saying much once you outline the problem. Have it clear in your mind what you want out of them…apology not enough, lectures, not enough… where do you go from here ask them and then wait them out. I always regretted giving up WAY too soon when we brought to light something that should have had consequences. Don’t assume they are on the side of the student, because their first loyalty is to the school and protecting IT, not protecting girls in the school. Make no assumptions that once you explain it they will fix it.

Someone can be hazed to death as we all know. Yes, there will be victim shaming almost guaranteed, but your DD needs to know that even if she doesn’t want to be the one fighting this “culture” sometimes you just HAVE to do it; and you have her back otherwise.

8

I would be stunned too. It is not your daughter’s responsibility to advocate for herself to not be filmed in a restroom stall.

I agree with @esobay, the school officials are concerned about protecting the reputation of the school and their own jobs. Their primary concern will not be your daughter’s safety and privacy unless you make it clear that the reputation of the school and their jobs are on the line.

Don’t let the school minimize the situation by calling it girls will be girls, bullying, or even hazing. Taking photos and/or video of people in bathroom stalls is illegal. Remind the school officials of this fact.

Like @happymomof1 said, contact the principal, the superintendent, and even the school board if necessary. Request meetings in writing with a synopsis of the events so they can’t claim not to know the details. Document, document, document.

Hugs to you and your daughter. No one should have to deal with this. I’m glad some teammates are standing with your D.

9

Don’t have anything to add, but yes. Remind them it’s illegal. Remind them that you can report to other authorities if they can’t take care of it. (I couldn’t get the local gym to remove gum from a shower stall. “We looked but we couldn’t find it” and I’d sent them a photo! Then I finally told them I would call the Board of Health and it was gone."

I can’t believe they are trying to blame your daughter or that one of the perpetrators got promoted to the varsity team. I’d be livid too.

10

You need to do a written harassment complaint. Make an appointment and hand it to the superintendent of schools.

No more phone calls. No emails.

Put it on real writing.

You can have a lawyer review it first.

The school district folks are likely not in compliance with their own harassment policies.

Agree. Waste no more time.

11

Remind them it is illegal to to video anyone in the bathroom. It is a violation of their privacy.

I think at a minimum the violators should be suspended and have it in their school records.
Without proper punishments, people will not take it seriously.
I would be just as upset as OP.

12

Thank you all. The lack of sleep the past two nights is not helping me think any clearer unfortunately.

@greenwitch - I do think this is a “thing” that has been going on a while with multiple girls doing it. DD had said that she’d heard one of the Varsity co-captains had done it. And thank you for pointing out that DD needs to document as well. I was so focused on documenting my phone calls that I forgot about having her record her story. I’ve asked her to do that in study hall.

I’m going to be honest. I don’t trust the principal or the school board. The school board hired the principal under a cloud of controversy. He had been accused of mishandling money and changing students grades because he thought the parents might sue. He actually has a lawsuit against him moving (sloooowly) through the courts that he failed to protect a cheerleader from racism, hazing, and bullying from her teammates. I must give credence to those who suggest that the school is protecting itself and not my daughter.

I’ve gone through the school and athletic handbook and read over the codes of conduct. It all depends on how the school classifies this. Unauthorized videotaping of a student without their permission gets a Saturday morning detention. Pornographic materials warrent suspension. There is absolutely nothing in the athletic code of conduct that would cover this. Nothing linking school discipline with suspension from games, etc. That code of conduct has a limited scope and focuses on hazing and use of an illegal substance. But missing mandatory team meetings can result in being benched. So the head coach handled it by the letter of the law, so to say, and it’s possible we’ll see nothing else from her.

13

You should look beyond athletic code of conduct. Video taping someone in a bathroom is illegal. There is a difference between video taping someone in a hallway vs in a bathroom stall. The school needs to do more than asking the violators to apologize.

14

Maybe a group of athletes parents could show up at the next school board meeting and make a public statement. The local papers usually pay attention to these and it will get some attention. Just each parent get up and make a prepared statement saying that there is a culture in the athletics program of hazing, etc. which is supported by the AD and principal which the school board needs to address without giving details of any incidents. Would be great if you got some football parent to show up (whether you like it or not football talks in most towns). You can talk about how since the cheerleader incident (which I assume is public due to lawsuit), nothing has changed. The key to this working is to get a group of parents to complain publicly.

15

Just to clarify- the recording was video, not audio, yes?

16

Something similar happened at S’s charter HS a few yrs back. Parent went to the principal. Offender was kicked out of school immediately. Of course the charter could do that due to behavior contract. The point is the principal immediately took decisive action. I wouldn’t give the coach or AD an opportunity to “handle it” themselves. There focus is likely to not disrupt the team.

17

@jym626 - Yes. It was video. My daughter thought it had been pictures, but the girls confessed to video. They also shouted at the girls to stop, and the video continued. There is an univolved witness who was also in the bathroom, but we don’t know if she has said anything (or been interviewed).

@kiddie - The lawsuit against the principal is from incidents that happened at the previous school.

I do think there’s a cultural issue that needs to be addressed. Earlier this year when I spoke to the AD about the hazing, he said it was the second team he’d had to deal with this year. If there is any disciplinary action being taken, it is not obvious. I imagine there are privacy issues if a detention is issued, but there don’t seem to be any consequences as far as kids being benched or kicked off teams. I feel like that is passively condoning what’s going on.

18

Is this a public school or private? The blame the victim mentality is so familiar to me. This is how things escalate.

19

Is there no police department where you live? Call them. Report this.

20

Why not report to the police?