when your child wants to go to a certain school for the wrong reasons...

<p>What does a parent do when they know their child is choosing to go to a school because their boyfriend/girlfriend is going to it... or near... rather than opting to go to a better choice that is further away from their "loved" one?</p>


<p>Especially if your child is a girl, tell her she should seek the best education available to her. Women should be encouraged to focus on personal goals and not assume that a relationship trumps everything else. That being said, there's no harm in choosing the good schools that are nearer rather than further from the beloved (of the moment). But remind her that many relationships and personal outlooks change when college expands your horizons. And this growth and development is necessary. If it is true love, it will survive. Better to explore many aspects of your self and meet a variety of people before making lifelong commitments.</p>

<p>you probably know all the arguments. the problem is your child is likely not to be able to really hear them from you. </p>

<p>its still early in the process - unless an ED application is at issue, it may be best to encourage applications to more schools to leave options open (i am assuminge your child is a hs senior?). a lot can happen to their relationship between now and when a final decision may have to be made - 1) they may have broken up; 2) they may be so committed that the decision you fear is even stronger; 3) they may still be together, but after seeing what other people are doing, be more able to handle their decisions separately, 4,5,&6 any possible combination of possibilities.</p>

<p>the harder you fight now, the more entrenched the decision may become before the showdown is necessary. do what you can to make your child aware of options.</p>

<p>if you know of an older student who went through a similar situation, your child may be more able to hear what they have to say than what you say. or an older student who was interested in what your child is and can help sell the importance of choosing a school.</p>

<p>good luck.</p>

<p>Is this the sort of school she'd love if BF dropped out, transfered, or dumped her?</p>

<p>they'll most likely break up in college so tell her not to follow him and think independently.</p>

<p>Of course I've told my child that it would be foolish to choose a college to be more near a friend... Of course I've given all of the important reasons to choose a school for the RIGHT REASONS... but you parents know the deal - don't you: As a parent, you can give your child all kinds of wise advice, tell them about other people's experiences, etc.... but they still do what they want! That is the problem... my child is being somewhat naive and immature. Luckily, the college of choice is still a great fit... but I know it wouldn't have been the first choice, had it not been for the friend.</p>

<p>All right, now I know many will disgree but I say LET THEM DO IT. Don't mess with love. It is their love and if this is what they want, support them.Whose to say what is a 'wrong choice.' Is it 'wrong' because this is what the child/young adult wants and not what you want? Maybe their priorities in life will be different than yours. Maybe family and children it the direction they are going in. There is NOTHING wrong with that. God bless them.Secondly, I don't know what you mean by the second part. I think it is TREMENDOUSLY important if you child wants ot chose a nearby college. Take it from one whose child went far away and then settled and married there. It is a great benefit for you and the FAMILY to have your student settle nearby. Don't discourage it because great heartbreak occurs when those you love the most move far away permanently. Unless that is, you can afford frequent visits.</p>

<p>It's September... are we talking about applications or reality?</p>

<p>If it's reality, it's time to drop it and preserve your relationship with your child.</p>

<p>If we're talking about applications, it's way too early to be this stressed. Encourage (perhaps even require, using "financial reasons" (or some other neutral territory) as your excuse) your D to apply to multiple choices and not make a final decision to May. She may surprise you yet.</p>

<p>I think we also need to let our kids make their own mistakes.
We frankly didn't have strict parameters- we did say we couldn't afford to pay over our EFC, but as long as she found scholarships/aid to cover the rest, I wanted her to be able to make a reasoned choice of schools.
I would have orginally prefered for her to attend a school in another part of the country- but I also didn't want to say" this is where you must live" for 4 or 5 years.
I know parents who have refused to pay for schools in another state and parents who have refused to pay for instate schools.
But as a high school senior/college freshman, they are adults or darn close and should know what their priorities are.
If my daughter was in the circumstance where she wanted to attend where a sigother was attending, I would have several talks about that, but unless it was totally unacceptble for other reasons, I would allow her to make that decision.
For the most part students on these boards seem to be pretty thoughtful young people, and I imagine they would consider what a parent says carefully, but I still think they should have the larger part of the decision, afterall it is their life.</p>

<p>My husband & I are definitely going to let our child make the final decision...especially since we do love the college and know it has many wonderful aspects about it... although we feel it shouldn't be the first choice. That said, I've learned that all a parent can do is give the advice, and then sit back and hope for the best. (As long as the choice being made by the child isn't dangerous).</p>

<p>Let her apply there as long as she applies other places as well. A lot can happen between now and May when final decisions are due. Also I have learned that when we as parents say something, our kids may loudly disagree but it does plant a seed and they do think about our input and consider it and often later, sometimes much later acknowledge it as true. They do hear us, as long as we don't push too much.</p>

<p>Also, my D chose her school mainly because it was in Ca near the ocean and offered her money. Not the best reason either but I do think all the other factors are thought about too and are parts of the decision. Hopefully your D will still visit other colleges and spend a night on campus.In the long run I'm confident she will make the right choice. I do know my D visited classes and liked having small classes and having students who actively participated in discussions. Visiting classes helps a lot. She went to one college where most of the students had not done the reading and it was a turn off for her.</p>

<p>lalaaellen - I think you're wise not to interfere with her decision. I actually think it's not unreasonable to take where her boyfriend is going into account at her age. You're lucky that the school she is talking about is a good fit! That's what's important in a college anyway!
I followed a boyfriend to a college when I was 18 - broke up with him as soon as I arrived! Then I transferred to another college where ANOTHER boyfriend, or "hoped to have boyfriend", was attending!!!
Haha. We're been married for 34 years!<br>
Granted, times have changed and attitudes about women have changed significantly, but I certainly don't regret my decisions. Even the first college was a good experience in many ways, as it was far from home and helped me discover who I was.
Emotional issues can't be, and shouldn't necessarily be, put on the back burner. As long as her education isn't suffering, wish her luck in her choice, and in her relationship!</p>

<p>If the school seems like a reasonable choice (say, turning down Harvard to follow BF/GF to Yale), I wouldn't get too involved. Many schools chosen for the "right" reasons turn out to be a misfit anyway. I once transferred to a college because of a particular academic program that promptly shut down. On the other hand, if it is something that could seriously impact your child's future (say, turning down Harvard to follow BF/GF to Florida State), you might need to be more proactive. At this point, you don't really know what the choices are (assuming your child is a senior). I think it is reasonable to insist that your child look at and apply to a reasonable number of schools so that there will be choices in the spring. Beyond that, you just have to wait and see. Maybe the relationship will change. Maybe the BF/GF won't be attending the expected school after all. Maybe some other school will offer a big financial aid package to one of them. Maybe you can bribe your child with the promise of airline tickets to visit the beloved (until it fizzles out). This last plan worked for someone I know who went to school on the East Coast, with the love object living in Europe.</p>

<p>I transfered to what was a better school but one I never would have thought of attending because my boyfriend was there. Best decision I ever made, still together 27 years later! Doesn't mean it's right for everyone, but not necessarily wrong.</p>

<p>I think you're handling it right.</p>

<p>Lelalellen - I think you are on the right track. The only thing that I would force is that I would insist that she apply to other schools - safeties and reaches, then I would let her make the decision. You sound as if the school inquestion is not unacceptable financially or academically - so forcing the issue will only make it worse, she will make the best of it if she is allowed to make the decision.</p>

<p>All good advice... thanks! :-)</p>

<p>Students make all sorts of choices for idiosyncratic and not really defensible reasons. The students and students of parents on this board probably engage in a more examined process than many. </p>

<p>I just footnote a disagreement with BHG: a student settling nearby is not necessarily good for the family. It may make the parents happier but that is not the same thing as the student developing his or her maximum potential.</p>

<p>texas137 is right--it depends how much "better" the better school really is. A good fit is a valuable asset in a college--hopefully the school in question is not too tiny so that if they break up they can branch out in other directions. Also, if it's somewhat less selective, maybe merit aid would be offered. </p>

<p>I also transferred to a better college that was also nearer a serious boyfriend. We broke up a year later and I was motivated to go Junior Year Abroad--that's where I met my husband. Now I live overseas.</p>