<p>Good moves to unfriend him and not respond to the apology text. I’d give it a couple of days and see if he takes the hint. If not, then the male relative telling him to knock it off, accompanied by a notification to your campus security force, would be my next step. I tend to think it’s a little early for a restraining order and it might not be granted anyway, but you have some intermediate steps to take. I’d try to do the least confrontational things first (ignore him), then move up the ladder (male relative call, followed by your talking to his senior firm people that you know, followed by the police). But keep records of EVERYTHING.</p>
<p>Hopefully he’ll take the hint, and it will all blow over.</p>
<p>Kudos to your D for listening to her gut and not trying to handle this on her own.</p>
<p>Please be careful before you decide to call his employer. If you interfere with his job he could sue you and make this whole situation worse. If you decide to go to the “authorities”, go to the police, where at least you are protected and you can tell your story based upon all of the information you have gathered. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of his revenge (both psychological and legal). Good luck!</p>
<p>We are counting the days for her to leave for school without any more drama. It has been unsettling for a few weeks. She has saved all messages. Great feature of iPhone, you could actually keep a a whole thread of conversation, rather than one message at a time. I was very close in sending an email to him this weekend (polite, not overly threatening, but firm), but we have decided to wait and see There has been nothing for a day.</p>
<p>This whole incident got me thinking about how some kids have a sense of entitlement. This young man has had a very privileged upbringing - good school, good job, a trust fund, pretty much everything he has ever wanted. He felt by spending money on my daughter, it gave him the right to treat her like “a little woman” that didn’t know better, and afterwards couldn’t believe she would say no to him. My daughter was actually wondering if she had done anything wrong to provoke this type of reaction from him. </p>
<p>Thanks for everyone’s input. I feel a little bit better that I am not going crazy. Anyone with daughters out there may want to take the opportunity to have a talk with them before they go back to school.</p>
<p>Comments from D (age 21): Do not reply to any Facebook or text messages. In my d’s opinion he should get the message, although it may take a bit. D said similar has happened to friends and an apologetic text from the young man would be replied to with the generic “sure, no problem” type of return text - which in effect exacerbates the situation rather than ends it. Most girls/guys are conditioned to be nice and reply. Obviously in this situation no reply what so ever from here on out is the appropriate way of handling the situation.</p>
<p>D feels that the Facebook and text messages are harassment - of a sort, definitely unpleasant. However, she also believes that a month or so of no reply will probably end the problem. Some guys just have a harder time than others stopping when they should.</p>
<p>She did mention being concerned if he showed up places where your d is or if the text messages continue past the month or so - a whole different level of harassment. If the texting is not dying off after the month, then a parent should call the young man (preferably Dad).</p>
<p>Oldfort, I don’t know if your post #18 was in answer to my question #16, but I did not ask, “what does your daughter want?” I asked, “what does your daughter want you to do?” </p>
<p>There are three very distinct possibilities when a kid reports a problem to a parent:
The kid just wants to vent. (They want an empathetic ear)
The kid wants advice on how to handle the problem on their own.
The kid wants the parent to intervene.</p>
<p>From what you have said, I haven’t seen how you have gotten to #3. That’s why I posed the question.</p>
<p>calmom - when she first started coming to me a few weeks ago, she wanted my advice on how to handle the problem. She wanted to know if she had done anything wrong to solicit that type of behavior. When she woke me up a few nights back, I think it’s because she didn’t know what to do. My daughter does not play “dame in distress” very well, so I took it as her asking for help. I am torned on having her dealing with it on her own, or to intervene. I have asked her if she would like us to take the next step, she is opting for wait and see.</p>
<p>ignatius - yes, I do agree with you that most kids are brought up to say “sure, no problem.” My daughter tried that a few times, just not to add fuel to the fire, but then next time there is the anger.</p>
<p>Exactly. My d said that the only reply that will work with this guy from here on out is NO REPLY to anything for any reason. When she read your original post, she knew immediately that your d had responded quite nicely, never expecting to add fuel to the fire. Unfortunately, with this type of guy, any response fuels his behavior - he has her attention. The only way to realize this - unfortunately again - is to have it happen. Most guys would accept the kind words and move on.</p>
<p>“My daughter was actually wondering if she had done anything wrong to provoke this type of reaction from him.”</p>
<p>I have known too many women who, in their late teens/early 20’s, were involved with controlling men, which is what this guy sounds like. They would always guilt the woman into taking the blame when anything went wrong - part of the controlling part. Please be sure your daughter understands that she did nothing wrong. This is not her fault. She doesn’t deserve anything that is happening to her. It is not normal. I’m sure you have told her that, but please reassure her that not one of us, no one, would think this is her fault. What an intuitive young lady to recognize and listen to her instincts. You are right to guide her through this. Better to err on the side of caution, in my opinion.</p>
<p>Your D must be attractive and therefore must learn to dissuade ardent suitors–firmly. In this age of ‘hooking up’, four expensive dates is two dates too many, for example. </p>
<p>You can teach her how to dissuade firmly–but thoughts of direct intervention are molly-coddling and potentially infantilizing–for your D.</p>
<p>Let her handle it. Let her make her own mistakes.</p>
<p>Tell your D to also screen any new friend requests on facebook carefully and not accept requests from someone unless she is sure she knows who it is. My kids have told me that sometimes an ex will create a fake facebook persona and then request to be friends. These college kids have hundreds of friends, and most of them they barely know, so it’s not too unusual to get a request from someone and not really be sure who it is.</p>
<p>And be sure her privacy settings are such that her FB allows viewing of her profile to “only friends.” She could remove him as a friend, but if her privacy settings allow her profile to be viewed by “members of her network” or by “friends of friends”, he can still stalk her. Many don’t know that they have to change privacy settings to keep things private. </p>
<p>And I agree that she should not respond to texts or call in any way. No text back ever, at all, period. And if by any chance she uses AIM, have her set her privacy settings to only those on her buddy list. Otherwise, if she frequently leaves an away message, he can keep up with her comings and goings. And don’t just put his AIM name on the exclude list. He probably has more than one AIM name. Set the privacy to just those on her buddy list, and delete him as a buddy.</p>
<p>sunnyflorida, nice to see a tech-savvy parent! Too many parents have no idea how FB or AIM works. My brother-in-law can’t even figure out how to text. Kids communicate via electronics these days, and parents who don’t keep up with the how the technology works aren’t able to parent effectively, and aren’t able to advise their kid in situations like this.</p>
<p>A bit shocked at F.O.LTS’ post, especially the implication that because a guy spends $$$ on a young woman he is “entitled” to something of a relationship or physical nature. Seriously? No way!!! HPY did get something, the pleasure of your D’s company for four evenings AND he insisted on paying (in the hopes of manipulating her apparently). Even wondered if F.O. is the HYP loser your D is being pursued by, is that a possibility?</p>
<p>One thought I had was that you do NOT want to warn him about the possibility of contacting people at his firm, especially by name - this would just give him an opportunity to talk to them first about the “crazy family who’s daughter I dumped” (not what I think but he could spin it to deflect the situation and make it look that way).</p>
<p>Please keep us posted as I am really frightened reading all this and want to know that things come out okay.</p>
<p>Seriously oldfort, stay with the absolutely no contact rule.Have your D tell people around her whats going on and keep her eyes open. If the guy is just slow to come around he should be gone in a week or so. If he is a serious nut case any contact at all will engage and enrage him. A 25 yr. old unstable man (or so) is not going to back off because “her daddy” called him.</p>
<p>sunnyflorida - just checked with my daughter. She has everything at the most restricted setting right now - only her friends could see anything. We also talked about not having inappropriate pictures posted on FB because they could be used by disgruntle friends.</p>
<p>I did pause at F.O.'s post. Everything just moves so much faster now. But I think there is a difference in going out with someone that you see regularly (like in a school or work setting) vs someone you only see on a date. When you go to school with someone, you have a pretty good idea what the person is like even before you go out. In this particular situation, my daughter really did not get an uneasy feeling until the third date. I think that’s what she’s beating herself up on too, maybe she should have been a bit smarter. </p>
<p>This may turn out to be nothing. The silver lining is it’s given us an opportunity to discuss various electronic vulnerability she may be exposed to as a young woman.</p>
<p>What people are saying about polite responses it too true- cut him off, no answering the phone and maybe just answer no calls, let them go to VM and call back the real ones, so he does not call from alternate numbers.</p>
<p>Any response goes in the WIN category for a stalker, so stop all contact and all responses now. Been there and it is not fun.</p>