<p>This summer my daughter dated someone 4-5 years older than her. The young man graduated from a HYP school, has a job at a top tier firm. My daughter was unsure about her feelings about the guy, but went out a few times to try to get to know him better. Every time they went out, the young man made all the reservations and paid each time(my daughter offered to pay, but was turned down). Often my daughter wouldn’t know where they were going for dinner until the very last minute. I became uneasy because each time the date became more and more expensive. On their last date(4th) it became unpleasant because my daughter finally decided there was no point in continuing the relationship - they had different values and he clearly liked her a lot more than she liked him. The evening did not live up to his expectation, should we say. My daughter actually thanked him for their last evening out, even though he refused to speak to her on their way home. </p>
<p>My daughter was very angry of his behavior their last evening out, but was willing to let it go if he did not contact her again. As an experienced adult, I didn’t think it was going to end there. Sure enough, he started to contact(harassing) her through Facebook and text. He would go from being angry to apologetic. I have advised my daughter to unfriend him on Facebook (too much information for someone that’s not your friend) and not responding.</p>
<p>I am wondering if and when a parent should step in. My daughter woke me up one night (12:30am) because of the content of his text - this is a kid that would not think of bothering me even when she is throwing up in the middle of night. I have a bad feeling about this whole situation, but I am also wondering if I am over reacting. She is going back to school in a few days, which in my view also makes her more vulnerable.</p>
<p>I think it’s a really good idea for a girl’s dad to call the guy up in a case like this and tell him to back off. The guy needs to understand that she does have people protecting her. I think I’d also tell him that if he doesn’t cease and desist, you’ll file a police complaint against him for stalking. I don’t know what qualifies as stalking and if you could even do that, but I think I’d threaten it anyway so that he knows you mean business. In light of that, make sure she does not delete any texts, voicemails, emails, etc. from him.</p>
<p>You could also ask your D to let someone with the university police know what is happening…maybe even give them the guy’s picture.</p>
<p>He definitely sounds a little dangerous. I think your daughter is asking for your intervention in this situation. She has made it clear she is done with the relationship and he is not listening. This guy needs a wake up call. If he knows she is sharing with you the situation, he will be more likely to back off.</p>
<p>Threaten to get a restraining order against him. This kind of person wouldn’t dare to receive such a thing on his criminal/personal records… HYP working at a firm… He wouldn’t want his career jeopardized?</p>
<p>I agree with timely. Hopefully if the guy hears emphatically that your D wants nothing to do with him, he will back off. I’d also echo your suggestion that she un-friend him on FB and look into blocking him on her cell phone (not sure if that can be done.) If you’re really creeped out, she could change her cell phone number. Do not let her respond to him in any way (other than a family member calling him and telling him to go away).</p>
<p>Her school is 4 hours away, but the guy has been there before for parties. I do know a few senior people at his firm that would have a chat with him if necessary, but I would also hate to ruin someone’s career over a mother’s over reaction. This young man said, “I always get what I want.”</p>
<p>Even better…you can threaten to talk to the senior people at his firm if he doesn’t cease and desist! I think it would be best for her dad or another male to make the call, though. A hysterical mom just isn’t that scary. ;)</p>
<p>Oldfort, I don’t like the sound of your last sentence. I think it’s up to your family to let HYP know sooner-rather-than-later that he does NOT want your D. </p>
<p>If there is any continued harassment in the few days before she heads to college (I assume via phone, since the FB connection is cut), I chime in to let D’s college security people know about this. </p>
<p>I think it would take a few more texts and a few more rounds of “go away” from your D and your family before you’d resort to a restraining order. But if the harassment continues, HYP needs to know that you WILL get the restraining order if necessary.</p>
<p>Hopefully the 4 hour distance will convince him to look closer to home for companionship.</p>
<p>Sometimes a letter can be very effective, because he will see that you mean business. If you know a lawyer who is willing to be cc’d - even better. Use legal terminology like cease and desist, harassment, restraining order etc. but at the same time, try and frame it as unemotionally as possible. He may back off quickly once he realizes that you are serious and his behavior is serious. I wouldn’t go to his employer until you’ve taken other steps. Actually, it may be better to go to the police. If you say something to his employer that causes him to be fired (and it ends up being “untrue” - which if he’s smart enough he can prove that anything is untrue) you could have problems on your hands. Have her Dad call, send a letter confirming and do everything you can to prevent communication. As timely said - keep records of all communications/texts/FB comments etc. As a last resort, go to the police - probably a better option than his employer and if he’s really dangerous, a more effective one.</p>
<p>Maybe you can google the guy to see if he’s had similar problems with others in the past. I think that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to have a male give him a call.</p>
<p>I would email him to let him know you D is not interested and to back off. I would mention in the email that if he ignores your email, and continues to contact her you WILL 1] contact the college security about his continued harrassment, 2] get a restraining order which will not look good on his record and 3] contact a few senior people at his firm[ mention names so he knows you mean business] That way you have record of your contact with him, which can be used in the future if necessary. He will go away. I would not phone him.</p>
<p>CC parents, I was hoping you would tell me that I am over reacting. She was contacted again last night (apology this time), no response from her. She has unfriended him on FB, which is not obvious until he tries to look at her profile. She is wondering what his reaction would be when he finds out. She thinks the “normal” reaction would be to take the hint and move on. My husband and I think we will give it a few more days before we do anything. Thanks for the suggestion of contacting the campus security if necessary.</p>
<p>Wow, and I thought our family’s disdain for a loafer, no family value kind of boyfriend was a problem…
A threatening suitor should be stopped in his tracks.
A father would be a nice starter…of that doesn’t work, a call to his employer would hit him where it hurts.
The young man needs a wakeup call
I can understand not wanting to ruin his entire future
One has to wonder what lind of twisted logic he has,
But it should not concern your daughter any longer
You seem to have had a great influence on your daughter, not only for her to recognize that his behaviour is unacceptable, but that SHE doesn’t have to put up with and, and she can come o you for support and hel[</p>
<p>I think the best thing she–and you–can do right now is to not acknowledge or respond to his attempts to contact her in any way. With someone who can’t seem to take No for an answer, even negative attention is still attention. Having her dad call the guy, sending a legal-sounding letter, etc…those are all things that count as attention and response. Not in a good way, granted, but still, he may consider it better than silence. He might even enjoy knowing that he’s upsetting her and her family.</p>
<p>You really don’t have grounds for seeking a restraining order, so far as I can tell from your posts. A boyfriend reacting badly to a breakup is pretty mild to the police, especially if he’s doing it from a safe distance via text and Facebook. They don’t hand out restraining orders without pretty clear evidence of dangerous intentions. So threatening such a thing might accomplish nothing but enraging this guy, who doesn’t seem to be thinking all that clearly in the first place. Don’t throw fuel on the flames. Just save any messages, make sure she screens all calls, keep a log of any attempts he makes to see her, and be generally vigilant.</p>
<p>Recommended reading: Gavin de Becker’s book, “The Gift of Fear.” In particular, he talks about how to react to someone who won’t accept rejection, and why restraining orders often do more harm than good. The book also has some excellent examples of danger signs that ought to make any woman’s alarm bells go off, which is good info for any young woman going off to college to know.</p>
<p>I will get the book. My D has had a few relationships before, none has worked out (or she would still be going out with one of them). They have always ended with a bit of anger, sadness, regret, a bit of going back and forth for a while, but never apprehension or worry (I don’t want to use fear). Tonight on her way out to a friend’s house, I asked her to call as soon as she got there. There was no eye rolling from her. As I am writing this, I am also p**sed off that someone could make my daughter feel like that.</p>
<p>Daughter wants it to stop. She has never felt “uncomfortable” about anyone before. She is 19. I want her to learn to deal with it because I think it could happen again later when she is truly out on her own. Like some posters have said, we do not have enough evidence to do anything, but all her antennas are up. We are close, but most kids would not want to get their parents involved unless absolutely necessary.</p>
<p>oldfort, you are absolutely not overreacting. You’re getting a lot of good advice here and I hope it helps.</p>
<p>Your D is wonderfully strong and wise to bring this right to you. Many, many girls in her situation would worry that THEY were overreacting, but she has absolutely done the right thing here and I’m sure you’re proud of her. Clearly her emotional antennae are picking up danger signals and you’re both wise to listen to them. </p>
<p>I agree with the posters who’ve said that a call from her dad could be a very good place to start. If he gets the unmistakable message that she’s already brought her parents in, he is somewhat more likely to turn his attention to someone without such a strong support system.</p>
<p>I also agree that a new cell would be very wise. And that it would be good to have a talk with D about informing RAs, hallmates, etc. about the situation, if she’s okay with that. </p>
<p>Again I really want to salute your daughter’s strength and wisdom in listening to her instincts and bringing this straight to you, and YOUR strength and wisdom in listening to her and acting on her concerns. Bravo and good luck.</p>