<p>Lizschup:
It does not have to be an either/or proposition. Perhaps your D will feel that she ought/wants to stay at home. And perhaps she won’t.
I know it would not have been right for me or my kids to stay at home, apart from the financial picture. I would have felt deprived of adult company and they would not have enjoyed my “child improvement” campaigns.</p>
<p>I see too many sides of the issue to be either/or. Ten years ago I would have said exactly what the mom said in the article. It was absolutely true for me - I couldn’t divide my attention enough to do a good job at both. But thankfully I’ve mellowed with age and experience.</p>
<p>lizschup – Luckily, or unluckily, whichever way we advise our kids they will just make their own choices. We know a graphic artist who has lost his jobs in advertising multiple times over his career, and now is driving an hour and a half each way to work in the only place he could find. His wife doesn’t work, has raised two kids, and does art. BOTH of their kids insisted on majoring in graphic arts or design.</p>
<p>In today’s YDN, two young Yalies take issue with the substance of the article:<br>
<a href=“http://www.yaledailynews.com/article.asp?AID=29951[/url]”>http://www.yaledailynews.com/article.asp?AID=29951</a></p>
<p>I am very happy with the job I have done as a female architect with children. My boys are more or less on track (never say never) with educated intellects, creative spirits, good friends and big hearts. My career/business idles-- or runs on eight cylinders–depending on my interest/willingness. </p>
<p>At the end of the day, and not by accident, my skill level is at the top of the game. Clients seem quite willing to sign me up–whether or not I take six weeks holiday–or take off such and such a day to attend to my boys or shift to idle for a few years.</p>
<p>I never tried to be the ‘best’ mother. I hate that kind of baloney. I tried to give my boys the ‘best’ upbringing I could muster, according to MY definition of ‘best’ and ‘upbringing’. As I tell my mother, “I realize my parenting is something of an experiment–as yours was. But you must (?) realize that I have done my parenting deliberately, dear mother. Very deliberately” ;)</p>
<p>I gave up trying to be a ‘famous’ architect; ie ‘best’; when I came to my senses, age 35 or so. What a rat trap that is. Yuck. I’ve hardly bothered to photograph my work and I avoid the press like the plague. Still, the most amazing clients seem to find me–no matter where I am in the world. Surprising, really.</p>
<p>It can be done and it is fun. It is fun to try and combine work and family but it takes the right sort of work, the right sort of environment, the right sort of family–and husband.</p>
<p>I had my children earlier than most of my peers. As my girlfriends and cousins got pregnant, I told each of them that when the baby was born, they would know if they WANTED to try to combine work and family. Some women CANNOT do both. It isn’t in their make-up. They cannot divvy up their lives into compartments. </p>
<p>Fair enough. Don’t torture yourself, girls. Do what feels right for your heart and your life. </p>
<p>You will know what that is when your baby is born. Believe me.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.yaledailynews.com/article.asp?AID=30067[/url]”>http://www.yaledailynews.com/article.asp?AID=30067</a></p>
<p>For someone who values a stay-at-home mom, I think the two years mentioned in the article is underestimated. In fact, I bet that moms who have been with their children for their first two years are not going to want to leave them during their formative years. I’m glad I was able to work part time in my profession (pharmacy), but I’m even more glad that I didn’t have to work full time. My sister teaches, and although she loves her job, she absolutely hates to leave her three small children every fall.</p>
<p>An interesting follow-up. I found this quote disturbing. Wonder what the emails said…“how dare you disagree with me?”</p>
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<p>I find now that my kids are a bit older they seem to need me more now than they did when they were tots…They like to bounce ideas off of me…about friends, activities…we talk about all sorts of things now. If I were working I KNOW I’d be too frazzled to multitask…too distracted. That’s just my personality and knew early on (and told my husband when we were still dating) that I wouldn’t be working outside the home, no matter how much (or little) he made. Seems like there are so many logisitics with them now…is anyone on the phone alot with other parents figuring out “are you chaperoning this? Can I have my kid ride with you to that? Are we expected to blah, blah, blah”…the list goes on and on…maybe its just me. I do appreciate that I’m able to stay at home with them (financially) but I notice that so many women just take it for granted. In fact, they complain that they’re so overworked at home! (no, they all have housekeepers so its not housework)…My sister in law’s a faculty wife. They have 4 kids and very little disposable income. They do without but she’s committed to being an at home mother. I’m not saying everyone should do without the way she does but I give her alot of credit.</p>
<p>and as far as the white shoe law firm that made accomodations for a working mother of young children? I’m with jrpar on that one. The one I worked for could have cared less about their personal lives. I specifically remember one pregnant attorney having to be hospitalised because she was working a case until 3am daily…no thanks.</p>
<p>I’m afraid the employers who make accommodations for workers who have family obligations (aging loved ones or youngsters who need more time with parents) are few & far between, regardless of the gender of the employee.
My firm told me that litigation (which was the focus of the firm) was very bad for marriages and parents & many of their collegues marriages were imperiled (amongst those who were still married). They suggested considering alternatives such as working for the government. I did switch to the government briefly & then decided to stay home with my kids & later return to my career. It worked well for our family & I recognize that many folks do not have the luxury of such choices.</p>
<p>I think girls should watch Mona Lisa smiles, the movie. My mom says it was very much like her time in school. </p>
<p>I saw this article before- what is Many? no stats, no numbers, just some anecdotes. Not for good research. </p>
<p>And many women are doing the career path, postponing marriage, if ever.</p>
<p>And some men- I have seen many stay at home dads too.</p>
<p>That article was not well written or researched.</p>
<p>Many- what does that mean- 10 of 20, 10 of 100, what</p>
<p>Anytime adjectives are used without stats, there usually is an agenda…to get attention, to make a point…</p>
<p>Just met a young thirty-something female surgeon with double specialties-- in cardio and neuro surgery. Nevermind that, her husband claimed she willingly drove 25,000 kilometers off road from Jburg to Nairobi–sleeping with him in a tent on top of the land rover.</p>
<p>I don’t know where young women are going but some of them appear to be cut from Wonder Woman cloth.</p>
<p>**No kids yet but they are still young.</p>
<p>On Point- NPR radio covered this topic and article today- Very interesting! <a href=“http://www.npr.org%5B/url%5D”>www.npr.org</a> or <a href=“http://www.wbur.org%5B/url%5D”>www.wbur.org</a></p>
<p>Cheers:</p>
<p>A couple we know, both physicians, have decided to cut on their hours. They have two children, not yet school-age. The wife has decided to go for a 9-5 job, the husband to see fewer patients. Not quite Wonder Woman and Superman, but sensible.</p>
<p>Interesting post. I remember when I was a student at an Ivy in the 80s I attended a discussion about how to “have it all - career and family.” I was sure I would do both and do it well. After law school, I was an ambitious lawyer who owed a lot of money for my education. My husband and I found ourselves with child, quite ahead of schedule. We had no choice but to work, since we owed close to $800 a month in educational loans. Over the years we both made decisions to move to less stressful jobs and take a cut in pay in order to be emotionally and physically available to our three kids. I want H to be happy and to be fulfilled and I am happy to make more $$ so he feels less pressure. I agree with many of Marite’s comments. It is a big burden in today’s society to be the only breadwinner at a comfortable level. Some are lucky enough to do it = but probably at some cost on the family front. I feel our kids are all the better for having two parents who both made compromises to find balance. We also had to compromise our standards along the way = i.e. our house is a bit unkempt at times, we don’t entertain, and we barely get through the day, really…but we are there for our kids and we have decent jobs that pay the bills and we are pretty fulfilled intellectually (although as soon as the kids are all in college I am ready to work on that!). My point … I guess, is that it is an individual choice. Most, are not able to make big bucks, be there for their kids and spouse and be stress free…something gives. That said, I was troubled by the article and the attitude. I find it a bit bizarre to script out life so absolutely before the roles have been assigned.</p>
<p>Add me to the list of women who didn’t ‘script’ out a life. Got a few curveballs thrown in; ie surprisingly pregnant at 27. Uh oh. </p>
<p>Curve balls help though. I wouldn’t have started my own firm at 28 if I didn’t need to be my own boss to get a huge salary, flexible hours and six weeks paid vacation ;).</p>
<p>Slight diversion from OP: Any of your daughters telling you they never want children? My d has always told me she’s not cut out to be a mom. I remember not wanting kids until 5 years into marriage, so I realize this feeling might change one day for her. Anyway, I’ve always told her that it’s absolutely fine to not have children. What bothers me, however, is that the women I know who are childless in their 40’s and 50’s are all, without exception, rather “high maintenance” and moody. I’ve heard you never really grow up until you have kids. Anyone have an opinion?</p>
<p>Is being “high maintenance” and moody a purely female consequence of childlessness? I can think of a few men who qualify for those descriptions.</p>
<p>I agree (lol !) I probably shouldn’t have narrowed it to only the female gender! Let me rephrase: From what you’ve seen among friends & work acquaintences, do you see any corrolation between childlessness and people that seem to have intolerant personalities? I should add that I’m not intending to pidgeon-hole folk, only wondering if anyone else notices a trend, at least.</p>