Hugs rockvillemom
Thank you. I wish I could view retiring/relocating as an adventure, but it is a nightmare right now. I have a sister who lives in MO who has flat out told me she will not help. My parents are already laying on the guilt - stories of a 89-year-old friend in their condo whose adult daughter wants to travel and not help her - imagine that - what nerve! Every time I suggest that the friend needs to move to a retirement facility, my mother says, no, she likes her apartment and wants to stay put. So, we seem to be discussing the friend, but I think we are really discussing my mother. They have honestly not one shred of thought that I should have my life. They took care of their parents until the end, and moved after they all died, but people died earlier then!
@rockvillemom - hugs to you. I’m sorry you are in this position.
Here is my $0.02. Until a child is 18, s/he has no say in where to live. They go where the parents go. When a parent reaches a certain age, they need to go where their adult children are as a convenience to those adult children The problem, however, is there is not a clear cut age as there is with a child. It’s more a function of the parents’ needs, capacity, and abilities, which they may or may not recognize. Definitely more complicated. But if the aging parents need help, they need to go where their children want to be. What your parents expect (you to remain there until they die) is unreasonable and selfish. The fact that they took care of their own parents is not relevant to what you do. That was their choice; it doesn’t have to be yours. They can choose to come with you or not. Please do not let them burden you with guilt. It’s completely unfair to you.
Sorry if that is overly harsh. Hugs, again.
Edit - there is currently a thread going about whether parents who allow children to go OOS should expect those children to return “home.” My opinion is absolutely not. When I am in need of a support system from ds, I will go wherever he is.
I appreciate that. Just biding my time for now - basically waiting for my father to die (86 wuth failing heart) and then take it from there.
I don’t mean to derail a fun topic. Leaving my parents out of the equation, no real interest in remaining in MD. Expensive, heavy traffic and growing congestion. Hate the winters. But - here’s a thought - factoring health care into the decision? DH is 6 years older. Say he retires at 65 or 66 and goes on Medicare - I have no health insurance until I turn 65. Will be dependent on whatever govt program is available at that time - and MD being a fairly liberal state - might be better in that regard. Who knows?
But we like VA/NC/SC coastal areas. I love the beach and DH loves golf. It would be easier to relocate to coastal area in Virginia if my mother refuses to move - we could go back and forth more readily as needed. Get ourselves settled in, scout places for her and then move her when she has no choice. Argghh, I thought I said leaving parents out of the equation? Oh well, it is so on my mind. No escaping it.
It is so hard with aging parents. Mine have somewhat healthy bodies but increasingly need help that they will only grudgingly accept and only from family.
It is unfair to have to choose between your spouse and your aging and increasingly frail parents. H is turning 75 thus year and I want us to do some fun things while we are both still relatively healthy and able to travel. We both have health issues that are causing some issues and spend quite a bit of time with our personal medical issues and help with the folks’ med appts too.
Fortunately I have many siblings that CAN help and do in their own ways. As in the article, the women seem to end up doing most of the helping rather than the son’s. We travel without feeling guilty and let sibs know when we are out of town.
All of y’all live within a 5-45 minute drive if the folks. For some reason we are their favorite folks to ask for everything.
My folks could easily live another decade or longer, increasingly getting frailer and needing more help, getting increasingly confused. It is definitely a process.
@rockvillemom, you’re in a tough spot. Good luck.
We’re in the SF bay area and I’m sure we’ll never leave. House is paid for so, even though some aspects of life are high cost, those relating to housing are not. Plus, as someone said upthread, we’ve been here our entire lives and are used to it. Can’t imagine selling the house either as it’s perfect for aging. We didn’t think about it when we bought it with one 5 month old 26 years ago but the main floor has the master and common living spaces and downstairs are 3 bedrooms, a playroom and a bathroom. It was perfect for raising our family and I expect it to be perfect when/if I ever have son in laws and grandbabies.
We have access to great health care, restaurants, shopping along with SF and Napa and all they offer and our weather is pretty perfect. None of our friends discuss leaving.
Can’t complain but the one thing I miss is a beach with warm weather. I fantasize about beaches in Florida and Hawaii. Won’t happen. Since everything else is pretty ideal, I guess I can live with the beaches here with their cold water 
Ah, but Norcal beaches are wonderful walking beaches. I miss them so much! But yes, getting on a beach where swimming is in the equation feels amazing when you live where the water is too cold.
Rockville, I am so sorry for your dilemma as well. Your primary loyalty is to your H, IMHO, as well as your own financial situation. Parents sometimes need to move to where offspring live in their declining years, as Hoggirl so carefully states.
I want to be a snowbird. Winter in the beloved desert of my childhood where the hiking is good, and spend 6 months in the upper Midwest where my friends live and the neighborhoods are walk and bikeable. Not sure if I can afford to do so, however. But one can dream and scheme.
We have no intention of staying in CT even though our house is paid off. DH hates winters here, no family lives here, and friends will be moving too. But we’re not sure where we want to go.
DH doesn’t mind 4 seasons, but wants less cold and snow than we have now. He’d also like a college town so he can take classes, attend programs, etc. I want to be within an hour, or preferably less, of a good airport, live someplace walkable with public transportation and good healthcare. I also hate temps in the 90’s combined with high humidity - it can make me physically ill.
S1 lives in CA which meets my weather standard, but COL is high, we’d be on the opposite coast of the rest of our family, and, most importantly, he may not be staying in CA for more than another 2 years before he moves to Rochester, NY.
S2 lives in DC and isn’t likely to leave. Summers would be unbearable for me, COL is high (we’d probably look in northern VA), but it’s walkable, has good healthcar, public transportation and airports. Winters aren’t as bad as CT for DH.
We’ve been to Asheville, NC and liked the town, restaurants, activities and retirees we met there, but it’s far from a decent airport and, other than downtown, isn’t really walkable.
I’ve thought of moving to northern VA and renting in Rochester for the summer, but am not sure how that fits with our retirement budget, since living in northern VA will be expensive. Right now, being near an airport isn’t really negotiable since my 95 yo mother is in a nursing home in CT and I’d need to make periodic trips to see her, especially since I’m her only child.
We will stay in NJ. If we move it will be to a smaller home and within 5-10 miles of our daughter.
@rockvillemom, here is my take.
As long as your parents are living independently, you should go with husband’s job.
If you sell the Maryland house, can you buy/rent a 1 bedroom near the parents for when you visit? And then you will have a Maryland address for when you need government insurance when DH retires.
Once a parent needs assisted care, then you and sibs can discuss with them their relocation options.
@rockvillemom here is my take:
It’s your life. You have one life to live, and then it’s done. Do you want to spend that precious time “waiting for someone to die” ?
If you were my kid, I’d say go and live your life-do everything you want to do. Put me in a place where I can have my needs met without making my children my caretakers.
Hilton Head is gorgeous, fun, awesome, and waiting to be explored. Don’t miss out on it. If you feel strongly that you need to be near your parents, take them with you.
Much like @Hoggirl , I know this may seem blunt, but I feel like you are undervaluing your own needs and those of your husband.
Parents usually need to be part of the equation. I agree with rockvillemom about staying put for now because of her father’s health. Later, if her mother refuses to leave, she should feel free to move with her husband. My plan is to purchase a single story home so my mother can live with us if she chooses. Right now she is saying, “I will move into the care facility, where some of my friends have moved, when I can no longer live in my home.” She isn’t going to like any care facility, so I figure our retirement home will be her back-up plan.
^^She can fly up to check on her dad every now and then, and there are other siblings around.
I appreciate the input. I assume my father will pass by year end due to failing heart. My mother is close to legally blind and quite helpless. Father always handled everything. She will need someone, namely me, to pay her bills, handle banking and legal, take her to dr appts, take her grocery shopping and for errands, etc.
I did set up a driver for her - he’s a wonderful retired man in early 60s. Last month, she had a minor leg vein surgery and my father was having a bad week and unable to take her. I could tell she was very disappointed I did not take day off work to take her, but I thought this was a perfect use of the driver. He took her, waited with her, brought her home, etc. I think for drs she is familiar with - this is fine - but she has no ability to advocate for herself, ask questions, etc. She was raised not to question drs.
Their friends in the condo are dwindling - dying or moving to be near their adult children or to AL. She has two main friends at this point - both in their late 80s. Once they are no longer living there, moving her might be easier. But then there will be the issue of moving her away from cemetary…
I am thinking sbout a “2 state solution”. DH and I sell our MD house, move to HH - he takes job there - we rent initially. Mom stays in her condo - I arrange grocery delivery, pay her bills online, she has the driver for dr appts - and I fly back and forth every few weeks. I can stay in her condo - it’s 2br. In this scenario I will not be working. As she declines further, I could move her into AL - hopefully near us in NC. It’s not perfect, but this is my latest idea.
DH and I are planning another HH trip for the fall, so to be continued.
@rockvillemom Rock versus hard place. I don’t envy you and your choice. I wish you the best of luck.
I made a comittment to myself a very long time ago that I don’t want to be a burden to my kids someday. I know there are no guarantees in life and health, but I spend 1-2 hours in the gym (CrossFit) or I run 6-7 days a week. I want to be able to run/walk across that final “finish line.” And not be a burden to my family.
I live in the vicinity of Stanford and have no desire to retire anywhere else. The weather is perfect for me. And access to beaches, restaurants, trails, mountains, cafes, shopping, etc. are all nearby. I wouldn’t mind staying a month in Hawaii each year, but that’s about it.
We live in the Northeast and will probably head to North Carolina within five years. Our daughter is settled there.
My father also said he didn’t want to be a burden to his kids. He had 3 round the clock caregivers, but I still had to check in and supervised… he lived 3000 miles away and I commuted. To me, this was still a burden.
Told the kids, I would move near them when I am incapable to manage so they wouldn’t have to take time off to manage me.
Rockvillemom, have you considered hiring a geriatric care manager to help oversee care for your Mom and/or Dad when you are living far away? These are generally nurses or social workers who know the local care landscape, can help set up reliable services, make recommendations for what is needed to safely age in place, and can be your “boots on the ground” keeping an eye on things with periodic visits or coordination with other caregivers. We hired one as a consultant when my FIL passed away and MIL didn’t want to move.
Yes, I have heard of this, but not explored yet. I think that after my father passes, DH and I will explore resources - maybe even a group session(s) including my mother to navigate options - maybe an impartial person will help her to see that moving with us is her best option. I would absolutely choose housing with her in mind - either a single story home with a master suite for her or a large condo. I would not be working - so able to go to pool with her, to religious services, whatever she wants. I would prefer that to leaving her in MD.
She just has to be willing to accept change - leaving behind some of the 1960s furniture, her familiar doctors, etc.
One of my observations - and this is based on other family members and parents of my friends - is that elderly people delay moving too long. Better to relocate when you have more energy/stamina/mental faculties, not less. It only gets harder as you age.
I do appreciate the support here. No one seems to think I am horrible.
Interesting how my parents and younger sister have all just assumed I will take on the caregiver role. No one has asked me. Anytime DH and I mention an eventual goal to move - they automatically assume we mean “later”.
Anyway, good to talk through it. And now, I head out to visit my parents!