Greek membership can be important socially and for internship opportunities and for career connections throughout one’s working years.
Consider dropping down to the level of being a social brother if permitted. Many decades ago, I did this because I did not want to live in an all male dorm house. I paid the same dues, but was allowed to live in regular co-ed dorms.
P.S. I was just a pledge and my request was honored. Not sure why and not sure if it is a common practice, but, apparently, the brothers knew me well enough to be comfortable with that arrangement. (Also, I had already gotten the mandatory forehead tattoo.)
I would try to understand more about why he’s having a hard time and wants to drop. Was he excited about pledging this frat a few weeks ago? Does he like the guys in the fraternity and his pledge class, and is this a group he feels a fit with? Would he want to stick it out if he had more time/sleep? If not, drop and don’t look back. But, if the hard time he is having right now is more due to being overwhelmed by his schedule with academics and pledging in a short moment in time, then dropping may feel conflicting to him. This is the period of time during the semester where things feel overwhelmingly stressful for many students - especially freshmen - with lots of projects, papers and tests coming due all at once.
All that to say, there is no right answer and its perfectly okay if he decides to drop the fraternity, at any time or for any reason. And don’t worry about the friends/roommate thing. My kid who joined a fraternity opted not to live in the fraternity house and instead lived with friends he’d made who were actually in other fraternities. College is about meeting lots of different people and opening up to new experiences. He doesn’t need to pigeon hole himself into this one group if he’s having second thoughts.
I personally believe a lot of success in life is about being able to make quick decisions when warranted. Like sometimes a great opportunity with a limited window opens up in front of you, and you need to take it rather than letting it pass you by. But other times you have gotten into a situation where it doesn’t make sense to be there, and you need to get out without being held back by things like the sunk cost fallacy.
Of course you can’t be too quick all the time, can’t completely avoid commitments to things which sometimes require some chore periods, and so on. So as with all things there is a balance.
But I personally feel at least among generally intelligent and mature people, more end up too slow to recognize opportunities or react to bad situations than too fast.
If it is just a time thing and he likes the frat but needs more time to study, adjust to college, meet other people, he could ask to delay initiation for a semester. We had people do this for a number of reasons, including cost (pledges paid a small amount but initiation and active dues were more). If it is time he needs, he should talk to someone (usually there is someone in charge of pledges) and explain that he can’t attend every party or meeting. Again, learning the songs and history usually can be delayed.
I would recommend dropping out. I think being in a fraternity will be a red flag going forward. As women rise into more and more positions with hiring authority, and as people just become more aware how toxic frats are, being part of a frat will bring a lot of assumptions about his judgement and character, some inaccurate, but many very well founded.
and that’s just one reason, in addition to the fact that he’s at risk of hazing and 300% more likely to be a perpetrator of sexual assault.
but I think Greek life should be banned entirely, so I am obviously biased.
Every single thing on a resume needs to be truthful. But a new grad does NOT need to put every single thing they’ve ever done or joined on their resume.
HS clubs? Off. Many people include them thinking it makes them look “more interesting”. But you were an archery champion at age 16? Unless you are interviewing for a job with the International Archery Association (or similar) it doesn’t belong on your resume.
Purely social activities? Trust me, Bain doesn’t care that you were in Gamma Gamma Gamma, and being chair of the social committee doesn’t make your GGG participation any more relevant.
Etc.
You never passed the bar? Don’t call yourself a lawyer. OK to list- accurately-- your JD (if in fact you have one).
Dunno why I’m thinking about this particular resume quirk today, must be the news cycle!
My daughter joined a sorority and the time required for their activities was more than she wanted to put into it. Most of the other members still remained friends with her but a couple didn’t. Their loss. It was the right decision for my daughter and she never regretted it.
I was in a fraternity, and it was the correct thing for me. It was more of a “living group” as we maintained the house, did our own cooking (as a paid job within the house, cooking for 50 was an experience) We had some members that decided to quit. We would offer them to become social members and attend some fraternity events. Some did, some didn’t.
If your son doesn’t want to stay in the fraternity, then quit.
This is good advice to give your son without you making the decision for him.
There’s a difference between a fraternity intentionally engaging in sleep deprivation as a form of hazing (which is illegal and should be reported) and your son feeling the frustration & stress of what’s described in the quote above, which is likely being felt by every student going through Greek recruitment.
My daughter’s boyfriend pledged at a Greek-heavy SEC school. After a few weeks, he wasn’t feeling a connection to this particular fraternity and was thinking about dropping. He had the same concerns about being the only one in his friend group not in a frat, missing out on events, not finding a good group of friends, etc. Ultimately, he did drop and it had no effect whatsoever on his college experience. Funnily enough, his friends who went through pledging and became full members of their respective fraternities, all dropped at some point for various reasons (mostly financial).
My D was also in a sorority and decided to drop after junior year because she didn’t want to spend her senior year bogged down in recruitment practice and mandatory weekly meetings. I asked her several times during her senior year if she regretted dropping and she said, “best decision ever”. It also didn’t affect any of her friendships.
I’m hoping he is sleep-deprived because the load of Rush Activities + Coursework is just too much to handle. (IE, they’re not blaring loud music all night just to keep them awake… which serves no good purpose and would be a form of hazing…)
When I joined back in the Dark Ages, I had been away from home and on campus exactly something like 10 days. Yeah, like I really knew myself and which group I wanted to be a part of.
Sounds like it’s your son’s freshman year. I think joining a fraternity/sorority so soon upon arrival at campus is just stupid.
For the love of God, you should be cheering this decision and not discouraging it. If he wants to drop, you should be doing nothing but supporting this decision. This is his journey, not yours. He obviously sees there are other things more worth his time than a stupid frat (and I say this as someone that spent four years in a sorority).
Lack of sleep and overwhelmed? While they may not be intentionally sleep depriving him, they are conditioning him to not say no. Saying No is one of life’s most important skills. A friend was over today and her son is now sleep deprived and losing weight because he has to get up early to clean brothers’ rooms/ apartments and he is required to give them his additional dining swipes. In other words, they are training him to be their ■■■■■ and he’s paying for the opportunity. I wish he had the sense that your son does.
When I joined, I already had made two good friends during our first semester. But we weren’t getting into many parties (if we even heard about them…), and we knew that a fraternity could remedy that.
So while crossing Johnson Street in windy 0-degree temps in February, searching for yet another party we likely would not find (lol – we were dedicated!), we were eager listeners to the guy who hollered at us from a hundred feet away – “Hey, are you guys interested in joining a fraternity?!”
Why, yes. Yes we are.
And that was that. Fraternities have always been under attack for the actions of a relative few bad apples. Some fraternities clearly do have some poor traditions and let in some bad eggs. They need to change for the better. But, whether you believe this or not, ours was not at all like that/them. We drank, sure, but there was no expectation or pressure to do so – my best friend hardly ever did. We had a weekly meeting to discuss grades/school work, upcoming events, concerns, etc. There were leadership positions available, which provided valuable experience. And we engaged in fundraising and hands-on efforts for local charities. In short, it was honorable and awesome. I still talk to most of those guys.
If someone is having a rough time during rush, he shouldn’t stay in that fraternity – that is likely not the place for him. Just like colleges, no two fraternities (or chapters…) are exactly alike.
