My son is a pledge at KU Lawrence
He is having a very difficult time and is wanting to drop out of the fraternity.
Any advice on what to tell him?
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If he wants to drop out, he should.
My son did. It was academic and men/women but heavy partying. It wasn’t for him.
He let them know, it just didn’t fit with him. He thanked them for allowing him to join and moved on. There was nerves, seeing people at first, but it was fine. He said no one ever said anything about it when they saw him.
In the end, if it’s not right for him and he knows it’s not right, well he’s a consumer - so why would he spend your hard earned money and feel this pressure.
There might be initial oh crap - but it’ll dissipate soon enough. They have plenty of other pledges to torment 
I think it’s good he has awareness. I’m assuming he’s worried about the aftermath - but I doubt there will be one. If there is, that’s not his problem.
Good luck to him.
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Tell him to trust his gut. If something feels off, it probably is.
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Difficult time with what - academics, finances, people? Dropping out shouldn’t be a problem. He should find out if he is eligible to receive a full or partially prorated refund of local or national dues.
KU students divided on the value of greek life experience (3/6/2025)
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One thing I tell my kid is that if we spend a lot of time and energy on people or situations that are not great fits for us, we have erased all that time and energy from spending it with people and situations that do feel right for us.
All the time he spends with the people in the fraternity is time taken away from him meeting and spending time with other people that he may feel more aligned with. The time spent at the fraternity takes his time away from doing other things that he may want to explore.
If your son stays it’s a choice - and there’s no right or wrong! But staying removes his time and energy away from finding the people, and activities, and situations that do feel right for him. Does he really want to continue to give away his time and opportunities to the fraternity if he’s not enjoying it?
What I’m hearing is that he tried it out, and decided it wasn’t for him - I think that’s great. Why? Because he tried something new, and he’s figuring out what is and what isn’t right for him, and he is willing to listen to himself about what he wants, rather than going along with the crowd around him. Good for him.
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There is no downside to dropping out, and great many to staying. I don’t think he needs a reason to stop any more than he would to drop out of any other thing. Trust him and his judgement; in retrospect I wish I had heard my college kids more, and done that.
Said as a person who was hotly courted by a sorority, pledged, activated, and then quit.
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I was involved in greek life both as a member and later as an advisor. It is not uncommon for people to drop out during pledging, nor is it uncommon for people to drop out after becoming full members. In my experience, this is a personal decision made for many different reasons, and it should be respected by the group. Just let him know that in life, we don’t always know what a decision entails beforehand … if we decide it’s not for us, it is okay to make a change.
TBH, I have always been opposed to the common belief that kids must finish what they started. It leads to young adults feeling that they can’t leave a situation that they have committed to … like a fraternity. If your S expresses a sentiment like that, assure him that he’s not quitting. He’s choosing to do something else with his time and energy.
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I dropped out – deactivated was the term – of my sorority. I thought the rituals were stupid, I thought the pranks were stupid, there was huge discrimination against girls who didn’t fit the “profile,” and I didn’t particularly like the girls.
My life went on. I’m very proud of the fact that even at that tender age, I knew it wasn’t right for me.
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Nothing wrong with dropping, but I would have a conversation with the president or similar first.
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Clearly if you are asking, you think there are some negatives to dropping out. What are your concerns about dropping out?
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I’m worried about him being lonely or not ending up with good roommates.
He feels confident about meeting new people though.
Also, his fraternity is known for a high average GPA and is supposed to be focused on academics. He said he is way too sleep deprived and has to put a lot of focus on fraternity work such as memorizing history/songs/names etc. and he feels Iike he is falling behind academically.
Is your opinion that your son may connect better with the frat kids than with kids who are not in the frat? Why is that? Clearly staying in the frat is extra work that your son doesn’t have the time for.
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He wants out - so it’s up to him but why force him to be where he doesn’t want to be. It’s funny, kids get mad when someone Greek life is just buying friends. And you insinuate that. Clearly it’s not working for him. You aren’t reievant in that part of the discussion.
Hmmmm yeah that’s a big thing sleep deprivation. He doesn’t have the time or interest. Why would you hold him back. He’s clearly studious. So he helps the Fraternity get a better GOA. It doesn’t mean they would be helping him.
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Sounds like he doesn’t want to hang out with these people, though. There are many ways to meet friends and roommates outside of Greek life, without (what he considers per your description to be) the downsides.
Even better.
Let him take the lead on this.
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Doesn’t sound like he’s finding his people in the frat. There are lots of ways to meet like-minded people outside the Greek system – encourage him to get involved in his major, find new clubs and activities, get involved with new areas of interest (performances? intramural sports? student publications? community service?). There must be lots of ways to find your people at a big school like KU, and even though it might take time outside the structure of the Greek world, I’m sure he can do it. He may not know what he wants quite yet, but he knows what he doesn’t want, and that’s a start!
ETA: Sorry, meant to respond to the thread, not specifically to @SJ2727!
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I’ve heard that in the absence of traditional hazing (which we all know is still going on in many places anyway), sleep deprivation is a new form of physical trial that frats impose on pledges. I don’t teach at a college with a Greek system, but my husband does, and some of his students who are pledges have complained about this (confidentially) to him. It can be a form of torture.
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It’s also the endless empty “tasks” assigned pledges, purported to promote bonding. Who needs “friends” like that? Pledging is an ugly business, and once you are inside, things don’t necessarily improve.
I would definitely NOT speak to the chapter leaders. Their job is to coerce pledges into submission and adhere to traditions from higher up —- and keep the money.
Support his good judgement on not wasting time and emotional energy on an expensive club. Plenty of ways to make friends.Also, “doesn’t like it” could be his way of signaling abuse or fear that he doesn’t want to disclose. Give him the out, please. (I live in a college town, you would not believe the things frats do and get away with)
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He is an adult finding his way in the world. It’s time to allow him to do it himself. Trust him.
My D attended a school with a very active greek system. It dominated social life, but she was not interested. She found friends through interest groups, and she also made connections in the community outside of school. She was very content, and she excelled in school without the test bank that often allows greek groups a leg up in studying. My S was not interested in social life at college at all, and he didn’t really make friends at school (acquaintances, yes - friends, no). He did well academically and wasn’t worse for the experience.
We have to have faith that our young adult kids know themselves and will figure it out. Just like we did.
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University of Kansas reports that only 13% of freshmen join fraternities, and 36% of freshwomen join sororities. So most students there are not in fraternities or sororities.
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