When I looked up some old posts on CC about student loans, a 2009 thread diverted to some topic about the match factor for a marriage.
A CCer posted the following:
“… In some culture they look for “match” or “equal” when it comes to marriage. Match includes family status, wealth, religion, education. It is believed if both partners are equal then the marriage has a greater chance of surviving. Money is usually the biggest source of conflict in a marriage, but often people do not discuss it until after they are married.”
Several factors were mentioned in the post. In your opinion, which factor could likely be more important?
I hate to use the term “match” factor. This is because it is conceivable that people could be “fit” well with each other (with some effort to overcome a certain degree of mismatch initially) without being perfectly matched at the beginning.
(Wonder whether the original poster could recognize his/her old post almost 5 years ago. LOL.)
My husband and I were close matches in terms of our education (lots) and how much money we had (very little), but we had grown up in different religious traditions. Our parents were concerned about this difference, but we weren’t because religion wasn’t important to either of us. And two kids and 38 years of marriage later, religion has never been an issue in our lives.
On the other hand, I know people for whom religion is central to who they are. If they married someone who didn’t share their religious beliefs and heritage, I don’t think the marriage would work out well.
I think similar attitudes toward money–saving and spending are important. I also think similar levels of education are helpful–college degree + vs HS or less. How much formal religion and/or cultural customs matters to each of the people in the marriage are also key.
I think match of intelligence or close to equal is quite important. Of course that said I do spend a lot of time on CC site so- that makes sense to me. Religion, financial background, culture background, and level of messiness and the differences were not an issue but can be huge in some relationships. I think it helps to grow together in an adverse environment to bond well.
Personal attraction, habits, and intelligence I would think are important for the long run. Going on 32 years of marriage.
I would be interested in hearing from divorced people what the issue was that lead to the divorce. (If there was only one.) IMO, that would be the or one of the critical issues.
I would say shared or similar values: values on priorities, committment, money, having children, raising children, etc. I think if there is that and a physical attraction, any other differences can be overcome.
What leads to divorce? Lack of mutual respect and trust are the two factors most often cited by my divorced friends. So those two (respect and trust) would be important in marriage. Match of intelligence is also important (not to be confused with formal education or diploma).
Wasn’t there a study recently that said the number 1 factor in a successful marriage was simply kindness?
I already have friends who are starting to get divorced. Most commonly, it is because they each wanted something different out of the marriage and they didn’t communicate well beforehand.
Yes and no. If both individuals have self-destructive financial tendencies then they will agree right up to the point where they are broke, and then they will destroy their marriage over the lack of money. Such individuals are usually better off with someone who has better financial habits and the ability to make them stick.
Affairs, too different expectations about what kind of life they want, not willing to resolve the differences, not willing to listen to the other’s concern, or to compromise.
In my experience, one of two things: communication, or desire.
Some marriages fail because the two people just don’t communicate effectively, verbally and/or non-verbally, and so the mistaken messages just eat up so much time and energy that there is nothing left. This is the kind of problem that therapists can usually fix, if there is not too much anger.
But another one is just that people find that they hit a point where (a) they each want different things and (b) they cannot equally accommodate. The classic example is the guy who wants to sleep with multiple women, even knowing all the risks, and the woman who does not want to live with a philanderer. This is harder to work out, because the only real solution depends on one or both parties making a bad value judgment which they can then be shown - if the philanderer can be shown that he really does value his wife and family more than he values sleeping around, then his part can be addressed… but sometimes the guy values the sleeping around more and then there really isn’t anything to do about it. The goal is always to work out these issues before the marriage, but some things go unsaid and people change over time.
How can a woman know a man will be a womanizer before marriage though? These men could be quite attractive: If a woman is attracted by a man, how likely will other women be attracted to him as well and how can she tell he is likely able to resist the temptation? Is the character or other morale standard or the value system important before a woman is committed to him then?
This can be a situation where the current tendency for young people to live together before getting married, often for several years, works in the woman’s favor. For most couples, living together implies exclusivity. So during that period, there might be opportunities for the woman to learn whether the man finds it a struggle to have sex with only one partner.
One of my (male, in his 50s) colleagues once mentioned to me that he would not want to do something that may hurt his spouse and his children. Even because of this reason alone, he would not want an affair. Not sure whether this would be considered as “kindness”. He also said along the line: His wife shared the “best” of her years with him and he should always remember this. (BTW, Steve Jobs would likely not be considered as a kind person. But I heard he expressed his gratitude to his first (but not married) girlfriend very late in his life time, because he thought she gave him several of his best years when he was young. Wonder whether he left an inheritance to her. He did reconcile with his daughter, Lisa. He must still have some feeling in this relationship otherwise he would not name one of his computer models Lisa, his daughter with this woman.)
The parents of DS’s college friends divorced when they were seniors in college. DS said that friend still felt deeply hurt. I heard the reason was because of an affair. the divorce was because the father had a new girlfriend - not sure whether they got married in the end but I heard that when his father and that woman (new step-mother if they were married) came to visit him during the parent weekend, all felt very awkward during their lunch at an expensive restaurant near campus.
The father and the mother (not the step mother) went to his S’s commencement. At one time, we all walked out of the dormitory, his father and mother walked far away from eac other. Both of them felt more comfortable to talk to us (the parents of his S’s close friend, and we had met twice only) than between themselves. I believe they did not say a single word to each other. His S walked by himself because it seems he could not decide to walk together with his mother or with his mother. It was sad. The step-mother did not show up.
Regarding: live in with the boyfriend.
Another friend of DS had met a girlfriend when he studied abroad. It seems that she really loved him but he did not return the same affection at least later on (too much differences between them especially the language barrier.) It is likely she did not live in with him but she lived with him whenever she visited him. DS said he sometimes felt sorry for her because, knowing his friend very well, he knew quite early on (but she might not know or might not be willing to accept) that his friend would most likely not marry her. They did separate after 2.5 or 3 years. This could be a case of an apparent “mismatch” from the beginning. DS thinks it would cleaner if his friend did not lead her on in the first place.
DS had seen many “couples” (in his circle of young men and women) who either divorced or separated before marriage. But among 4 couples who were more involved with the church activities, the success rate (so far) seems to be slightly higher: one couple broke up but three survived. Their ages were mid 20s to late 20s, i.e., they likely get married at a younger age. Do religious people tend to get married at a younger age?
I would say shared or similar values: values on priorities, committment, money, having children, raising children, etc. I think if there is that and a physical attraction, any other differences can be overcome.