Which intro sentence would be more attention grabbing?

<p>This is a personal statement. The first one is too vague I think and maybe sounds abusive. Also a mouthful. The 2nd sounds a little more interesting but would it be to college admissions? Which is more appropriate and effective? With the 1st I talk about discipline etc and the 2nd, having to deal with having no teeth in high school for 2 months, how that changed me etc..</p>

<p>I still argue with my father about whether making me cry on the piano bench during practice was the best way to instill discipline.</p>

<p>Dealing with all of the insecurities of being a teenager, the last place a girl wants to be is waking up face first on the floor of her high school hallway.</p>

<p>the 2nd one.</p>

<p>I like the second better. It immediately makes me want to ask what happened.</p>

<p>2nd one</p>

<p>(*** face first on a floor?!?! lol)</p>

<p>Well Ok I know the 2nd one is more interesting, haha, but someone said this and this is what I am worried about as well.. </p>

<p>"The second one grabs my attention much more than the first one does; however, the overall topic of that situation on the piano bench having later instilled self-discipline in you might work well at showing your strengths of character. If you choose the first one, try restructuring it a bit. Try to use the active voice more than passive voice."</p>

<p>The fact that I don't know if it is too high-school-y since I am a transfer from a community college.
I feel like focusing on how it was emotionally hard, just because of physical appearance etc is somewhat trivial when in context with the rest of the worlds problems...</p>

<p>I know this probably won't help you much but I love em' both. Whichever one you choose, make sure you convey how each experience has impacted and possibly changed a perspective etc. Any topic that allows the admissions officer to see growth and perception is an excellent one.</p>

<p>Good Luck
: ]</p>


<p>"I worked in admissions for several years, and unfortunately I have to tell you, neither is acceptable. What we look for in personal assessments/ statements are 1) the diversities you overcame in school (and by that we mean subjects- i.e.: "As a child, I struggled with reading, and throughout my high school years, I succeeded in conquering that hurdle by...) and the second thing we look for is the reiteration of your statement of purpose (i.e. ...and as I continued my search from university to university, I chose this institution because of my ambitions to...)
Hope this helps, and good luck!"</p>

<p>What?! How could you say neither is acceptable? It really depends on the school and the prompt.</p>

<p>If you're a transfer student, I would have to agree with the admissions officer. </p>

<p>If you were applying undergraduate, both topics would have been completely acceptable and I would have chosen the 2nd intro as the more interesting. However, as a transfer student, you have to prove why you deserve to get into the college. </p>

<p>Good luck on finding a good topic to work on. Essays are hard for all of us</p>

<p>2nd one for sure</p>

<p>second one has a noun-verb agreement problem...</p>

<p>It's not the last place that's dealing with all that crap, it's the girl....</p>

<p>That advice from a former "admissions officer" is suspect in the extreme.</p>

<p>I think you can cut out the first part of the second sentence.</p>

<p>"The last place a girl wants to wake up..." is a LOT more attention grabbing to me. I think the insecurities/teenage life thing is implied by the situation. Or maybe, "Waking up face first on the floor of her high school hallway is one of the last places..."</p>

<p>I think both sentences are kind of awkward. I'd choose the second one though based on a first impression.</p>

<p>The first one is awkwardly phrased--the syntax is confused because of all the words. The second is grammatically incorrect.</p>

<p>Umm, how much weight should i put on hypnoticx3c's comment? Neither of those fit my personal statement at all....</p>