<p>How do you know when to really step back and just let your child work things out on his own/make his or her own decisions? I am just at a total loss…my son has had a rough start to his freshman year at school, suffers from a social anxiety disorder, is very moody, very up one day and the next can be very difficult to get along with. Don’t get me wrong, he has good days and when he is engaged in his classes and did particularly well in his studies or a test, and has lots of interaction, he is very up but if he has a bad day, then its really bad. He also has a hard time sleeping but staying up entirely too late and this is throwing off his schedule. That said, I feel like I can’t be there telling him every day what to do, when to do it, how to do it. He tells me I call too much, text too much, to leave him alone and let him live his life BUT when he wants to speak, then it is on his terms.
How do I know how often to call or text? Should I cease completely and trust he is finding his way? My older child is very different, we have an open door policy.
My son is also getting over having smoked pot off and off during his senior year, not something I am proud to admit trust me, but it is the truth and part of his crankiness. I think he is also a master at “playing to his audience” and to me in particular, knowing how sensitive I am- he can lay it on pretty thick…I wish I had such thick skin!
I am just finding this all so difficult to cope with- I have a hard time letting go and letting him fall…I need some encouragement from others who can advise me on how I am feeling. Thank you.</p>
<p>Don’t sign on to AIM, don’t email, don’t text, don’t write, don’t send carepackages, and don’t call. Wait for him to be the one to make contact. When he does contact you, don’t harp on how long it’s been since he’s called. Just enjoy the phone call and repeat the steps above.</p>
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<p>I would say, oh, I know you and your son, but my friend’s son is a sophomore now, and this was their story last fall. My friend’s son called her and complained a lot the first half of his freshman year. </p>
<p>Within a few months, she figured out he just liked to be able to “complain to Mom” - she continues to provide a sympathetic ear but no longer worries about the fairly typical things he complains about or offers advice. (Any advice she offered he would quickly explain why her suggestion was impossible.)</p>
<p>He had a good year academically and made some nice friends. I am sure no one on campus thought he was miserable, although if anyone had read a transcript of the stuff he said he said when he called his mom, they would have thought he was having an awful time of everything.</p>
<p>Let him initiate contact, and don’t ask about anything specifically. Take your conversation cues from him. Share things that are going on in your own life. Refrain from any nagging.</p>
<p>Back in the days of dinosaurs, when I went to school, we barely communicated with our parents. We wrote letters here & there, and we called - from a pay phone - when we needed something. We saw them once in awhile. In the meantime, we learned to adjust on our own. Sometimes I think our current era of being plugged into each other 24/7 is a bit too much. We parents need to trust our kids to make their own way in the world. Yes, they may screw up. But they are adults, and they are legally able to make their own decisions (and suffer the consequences). Of course, I think it’s ideal if we can be a healthy part of their lives, offering support & advice. However, when they feel the need to push us away, we need to give them the space they need.</p>
<p>Oh … and as for your title … I agree!!!</p>
<p>Isn’t that what I suggested?</p>
<p>Yes. I am adding another voice to that suggestion!</p>
<p>I imagine that it’s especially hard for you to step back because of your son’s anxiety issues. You know that he has some difficulties to overcome in that regard, and you would so love to help him.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, I don’t think that there’s anything a parent can do, directly, to help a young adult overcome these kinds of things. Therapy can help, whether it be from school or elsewhere. But you should try not to feel responsible for his anxiety disorder. It’s not your fault, and you really can’t fix it.</p>
<p>I agree with the others who say to step back, but I might talk to him about it and tell him you really want to let him handle his own affairs, and you have confidence in him that he can do it. I think I would ask for two things: One, that he get in touch with a therapist, and set up regular appointments and go, and two, that he call you (and H) once a week, day of his choosing, to let you all know he’s alive and well. Then, let him manage his life. When he calls, let him tell you what he chooses to tell, don’t pry too much, give him newsy details from home and tell him you love him and to have a good week.</p>
<p>A young adult with a disorder needs a loving parent connection, so I would want to set up some kind of deal where he calls you. If he can do that, combined with the therapy, you can step back and let him succeed or fail, but you will have been there to support him, and he’ll feel your love without feeling too stifled by it.</p>
<p>Yes, you do need to back off from doing all the contacting. But I’m wondering if your son would be open to meeting you part way and maybe agreeing that he do the contacting and agree on contact you can both be happy. Let him know, not only is this his adjusting, but yours as well! </p>
<p>Maybe you can agree on something like, he contacts you once every other day (either by phone, email, text whatever) and then you stay patient and wait for his contact. That allows him to make the contact on his terms too - maybe when he’s happy, maybe when he wants to complain, maybe when he’s well rested. Whatever. </p>
<p>And make sure he is aware of people (professionals) that he can contact at school too if necessary.</p>