In my experience these arrangements are always suggested by people who don’t like to find gifts for people and who are obsessed with “having” to get something and whether or not it is “good enough.”
I say buy or make gifts for people as you are inspired to and can afford to, and don’t try to limit the pleasure of others in giving. Don’t worry about tit for tat.
We used to do a gift exchange among my siblings and spouses. Now, only our kids (the cousins) exchange gifts. As the kids have gotten older, it’s much less fun. They all want gift cards.
My sister and I continue to exchange gifts. We set a general limit and we both tend to go over a bit. Each year we choose a category - jewelry, clothes, household, experience, etc. - and select a surprise gift from the category. Some years I like the gift more than others, but it’s never something I don’t like. We both appreciate the thought and time the other spends choosing the gift and love the surprise.
Our family only gives gifts to those college age and under…extended family. No more gifts to all,the cousins and aunts and uncles.
I know lots of people object to,this… but we make a very substantial donation to charity in the name of our family members. The reality is…we do not need any more stuff. And others are far more needy than we are.
We also “adopt a family” for Christmas and have done that for about six years. We get a list of family members. Mostly they want us to get gifts for,the children, But we get something for the adults as well.
@thumper1, why do lots of people object to charitable donations? Seems as good a use of the cash as any?
Also, I wonder if what of the disagreements on this thread are grounded in regional or class differences.
@dfbdfb some people feel that a charitable donation given as a “gift” to them isn’t a gift at all, but a tax deduction for the giver that supports the giver’s causes. I would tend to agree, unless a person specifically asked for no gifts, but donations in his/her name towards a cause they support. Otherwise there’s no gift to anyone but the charity.
If I gave a charitable donation in lieu of a gift, it would only be to a charity that I knew that person supports. I can think of quite a few people on my list this year who would be appreciate of donations in their honor to Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, and charities supporting environmental causes. These gifts are on my list in addition to tangible gifts.
I totally agree with sseamom on this one. I’m all in favor of people making charitable contributions but I do not think it qualifies as a gift to someone else – unless the recipient specifically asked for donations to a particular cause in lieu of gifts. I’m not big on gifts, so it is not as if I want someone to buy me something. But I think people should plan their own charitable contributions and not try to pass them off as gifts.
I asked my kids to make donations to a couple of charities this year for me for Xmas. But I would never do it for someone else unless the recipient of the gift had explicitly requested it.
I have also asked for donations to non-profits instead of gifts, local organizations with bare bones funding and low overhead. My kids know what I support and I’d appreciate it. But not sure I’d do it for another, unless I knew how they felt.
What I’m wondering is, how many of the surprise gifts are really something we want or would like?
@lookingforward by “surprise” do you mean those gifts that are not the kind one can put a price tag on or might not be found in a popular store’s catalog, like the hand knit sweater mentioned above? I think some people would not only like such gifts, but would prefer them. If you know your recipient and what makes them happy, surprising them with something they’d enjoy isn’t all that hard.
I think most thoughtful recipients with half a brain would realize the hours of time and the thought that went into a handcrafted gift. I doubt anyone would “judge” it on the value of the raw materials. 
I meant, is that surprise gift something we would like? Or, something they wanted to give, but you didn’t necessarily covet. Or even like. Doesn’t fit, doesn’t match, etc. A lot of gift giving is about the giver.
Home made gifts are fine by me, if it’s what the recipient will like and use. Same for inexpensive gifts. But I often think the giver, even when he/she knows the recipient, gifts based on their own notions.
And I can hardly think of a $200 gift I want. Of course, the solution is to talk.
I do think different families have their own gift giving preferences and quirks. We’re a practical family so prefer to work off wish lists rather than worrying about surprises. It doesn’t mean the gifts are any less appreciated by any of us because they were something that was asked for. We don’t tie our feelings of love and appreciation to material displays so it works well for us. Different strokes…
@lookingforward yep…that’s the issue our family had with the ONE gift swap. We did it for several years. Folks got one gift at a certain price point…and believe me…most of them were returned…which was a hassle.
That’s why we went with the name of person, plus six or so desired gift options. But even that didn’t always work.
That didn’t work either. One year, I put that I needed a new wallet. I REALLY wanted a nice new wallet, and I needed it. Everyone in the family knew I wanted a wallet. I figured it would be easy for my gift buyer to get, and certainly was within the price point.
I got a set of flannel sheets. When I saw my gift Christmas morning (we were home alone that year), I quipped “I don’t think this is going to fit in my purse”. I should add…I hate flannel sheets!
We both have decent size families. Every year, we started hunting for gifts for them in January. When everyone got married and had kids, the numbers skyrocketed. Plus it all had to be mailed…and some out of the country.
I’m a 60 something. I don’t need any more STUFF. I’m trying to get rid of stuff. And I certainly don’t need stuff I won’t ever use.
No instapot here…please! I don’t have the egg thingy either.
I’m still struck by the idea that holiday gift giving seems to be for many, at core, an excuse to get more stuff without the guilt that some feel when spending money on one’s self.
My mother has taken to giving donations to the Heifer Fund in the names of her great grandchildren. It is something they can understand–a clutch of chicks, a goat–and as she says, they have and get tons of stuff.
Re:donations in lieu of gifts. The year someone very close to me died of cancer, and someone sent me a note saying that instead of a physical gift he gave to a cancer related charity, I thought that was very thoughtful.
Just donating to “any ole charity” maybe not, but his heart was definitely in the right place.
I am also HAPPY not to be receiving more STUFF from people completed to give something, so thoughtful charities work for me.
ETA - clearly we are way off original topic.