Who wants to...

[rockermcr]

<p>Grade my essay? :)</p>

<p>This is the from the first practice test in the blue book.</p>

<p>Statement:</p>

<p>

To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.

</p>

<p>**Assignment:**What motivated people to change?</p>

<p>Here’s my essay:</p>

<p>

When people alter who they are, their motivation to do so is always solely external. Though it may seem as though internal factors play a role, because some people choose to change, external factors are always at the root of change. Guy Montag in Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451 provides us with an excellent example of this, as does the bestselling novel The Secret, and a personal experience of mine.</p>

<p>In Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451, the protagonist, Guy Montag, is a fireman, whose job it is to burn books. The “utopian” society in which he lives is subject to extreme censorship to such a degree that Montag never feels any remorse for his book-burning. However, one night, on one of their raids, the firemen arrive at an old woman’s house where they discover a great amount of books. When they begin to douse it in kerosene, the woman refuses to leave, and chooses to die with her books. Montag, seeing this, realizes that books must be very valuable if someone would die for them. He resolves to never burn a book again, a change that was brought forth by the external factor of seeing a woman burn with her books.</p>

<p>The Secret, a novel that garnered widespread acclaim in recent years, preaches that we are able to change our lives by changing the way we think. Positive thoughts attract positive outcomes, according to the novel. After having read it, many have changed the way they think, and their motivation to do so was external, for, had they never read the book, they would never have changed the way they think.</p>

<p>In my freshman math class, Christopher, a student, always struggled to pass. From a very young age, he always regarded math as difficult and never did well in classes that dealt with it. In January of that year, after a particularly bad class in which his peers mocked him for his lack of mathematical skill, he spoke with the guidance counselor to find a solution. After hearing him say that math was boring and hard, and that he hated it, she proposed that he change his attitude towards the subject. He gave it a try and attempted to view math in a positive light, and his grades reflected this change in attitude. However, he would never have chosen to try to bring up his math grades were it not for that fateful day when his peers ridiculed him, which is, of course, an external motivator.</p>

<p>At the heart of every change is an external motivator. Guy Montag’s change in Fahrenheit 451 is caused by an external factor, as is Christopher’s from my freshman math class, while The Secret is a great example of an external motivator. Thus, change is always brought forth by outside factors.

</p>

<p>What do you think? I feel as though I used the word “external” way too many times.</p>

<p>I’m open to criticism, so feel free to be harsh.</p>

[rockermcr]

<p>No one?</p>

[uttaresh]

<p>9-10. Your examples were good. I really don’t know anything about the book. The story seems stupid to me, what kind of nitwits would make a book-burning club? LOL.</p>

<p>Not that I’m saying it’s a bad example, just that I think that their society was ludicrous.</p>

<p>You could’ve probably achieved a higher score by using a better vocabulary, as you yourself said you felt that you’d used the word “external” too many times. Admittedly, there aren’t many synonyms for external – but you could’ve still used phrases like: “leading from ungovernable circumstances” or something of the sort.</p>

<p>In the conclusion:

Thus, change is always brought forth by outside factors.

</p>

<p>Don’t know why, but I would remove either the “always” or the “Thus,”. Both of them don’t seem to go very well together in this case, or so I feel.</p>

[lolilaughed]

<p>^ If you use “Thus”, I think you should go with Thusly – it’s more grammatically correct from what I hear from some SAT scorers.</p>

[desperatechaos]

<p>The story seems stupid to you? Have you any idea how freaking famous Ray Bradbury and Fahrenheit 451 is? :P</p>

[wille2511]

<p>I think the 3rd reasoning is kinda weak. It seems hypothetical, in my opinion. And also dont try to mention anybody’s name when your explaining personal expieriences. My tutor said its a bad idea but I cant remember why</p>

[rockermcr]

<p>Thanks for the suggestions, guys. </p>

<p>By the way, “thus” and “thusly” are synonymous. “Thusly” is the nonstandard variant, and it’s frequently regarded as pointless. If it’s used, it’s usually for humorous effect.</p>

<p>Anyone else? Also, I would appreciate it if you could give me a concrete grade, like Uttaresh did.</p>

[wille2511]

<p>I’d give a 6-8. Your first example was good.</p>

[lolilaughed]

<p>^ Thanks for the correction; I didn’t know that. I’d give it a 10 or an 11 because of the clear and concise structure as well as the literary examples.</p>

[rockermcr]

<p>Thanks! Okay, so my score could be anywhere from a 6 to an 11. For my sake, I hope you’re wrong, wille2511, haha.</p>